I need ideas about how to get him to stop putting the kids

[mami2f3]

in the middle. We have just started the legal part, but he wants to ask our 3, 8 and 10 year olds where they want to live. I am desperately hoping he doesn't just ask. I told him it is emotionally detrimental to them, but he doesn't believe me. I told him to read about it, but he says he won't (he never likes ot read books). I told him to talk to a counselor (hates them). I told him to look online (won't). How do I help him see this is bad? I don't want the kids to be put in the middle and I for sure don't want them to take on the burden of where they are!

He will say things to them like, "come here" (meaning to where we used to live). I hate that! It feels so unfair to ask them to do that when they have no control over where they are. Does he want them to hitch a ride? I've told him that but he doesn't seem to get it. I just don't want this on my kids. 

[Imakcerka]

My parents asked us while standing in the drive way.  Mom was by her car dad was by the house.  THE WORST THING EVER!  I felt like I was betraying my dad by going with mom and my brother felt like he was betraying Mom by going with dad.  We talked about it that morning sitting in my room and my brother told me to go with Mom and he'd stay with dad so that they won't be so sad.  We were 9 and 7.  About the same age my girls are and I could see them doing that if we did that to them.  Holy crap that's a horrible memory.  I hated that we did that but we chose our fate and didn't let them choose for us.  I have to tell you though my heart literally ached for the first couple of years.  I missed him so terribly.

[Imakcerka]

I'm sorry that wasn't an idea more of me saying you're right it's a horrible thing to do.

[mami2f3]

I need that kind of support as well. I don't want to be a nut about letting this upset me, so I need outside assurance that I am not putting too much weight on this. The one thing that triggers me the most is how he won't protect them emotionally. I try to let a lot go, but that one makes me furious. I even used to tell him (when things were ok with us) how hard that was on me when my parents did it when I was a kid! Everything I read about how to do this right is not what he is doing and I can't get him on board. It is so frustrating. 

[tccandlsccmom]

Stand your ground!  Like my ex, sounds like yours is more about himself than the kids.  

[floss&ferd]

You may need to find a counselor for the kids.  

My xtbxh does similar things.  Tells them he doesn't want the divorce, wants to come home, etc.  He says he is "just being honest" and "promised the kids he wouldn't lie to them."  They are 8 and 9.

[MissLotus]

Yes, it's horrible when exes purposely put children in the middle.  It shows how much they don't care about the kids' well-being. 

I know your kids are different ages, but just keep reassuring them that they don't have to decide no matter what Dad says - that really in these cases the grownups work it out for the kids -  that you're working on the plan that will be best for everyone in the long run.  Tell them it's nice that of course Dad wants to spend time with them, but that he will be able to get used to the new schedule, and how you're trying to make things as stable as possible for them.  (Of course the older ones will understand this better, but they're probably also the most affected by your ex's emotional selfishness.)

It's highly likely your ex is saying those things to get to you, so try not to respond.  Clearly, asking him to stop isn't working, anyhow.  Stick to your guns and don't let him sway you.  Your kids really are too young to make such a choice, anyhow.  Keep reassuring them that you BOTH know how much they love you and that they will not have to decide anything, that they will still have time with both parents!