Am I Anxious, Or Just A Loving Mother? - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

This was me when ds hurt his toe and his forehead.  I was crying rather hysterically and my neighbors happened to be present for both incidents and were worried about my emotional instability.  I would think it would be obvious that a pregnant woman is going to react more strongly to these types of situations.

Not only that, but it happened to your youngest. Your "baby". Hello, people! Oh well about what others think. You love your kid lots and that's what they saw.
 

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

There was a woman on this Mothering.com forum who wrote a thread saying her baby daughter died from strangulation with blind cords... and the image is burned into my mind now. It makes me want to cry when I think of it. Even very careful loving parents can forget to tie something up or babyproof this or that and it's just an accident, you know?

I read this same thread... how is that?  I think it popped up on the homepage and I clicked on it, otherwise I don't normally lurk in the Grieving Forum!  I feel like that was a long time ago, too.  How strange.  But yes, I had the same reaction.  I balled and then thought about all the times that I have let my kids nap without the monitor on, on their beds that are up against windows that have blinds... with cords that are not safely secured in anyway.  I got a bit crazy about the blinds after that one.  But you know, then ds has escaped out the front door and has been hurt in many other ways, too.  We don't have a gate at the top of our stairs and I'm worried that one of these days ds will try to walk down it instead of getting down safely.  But there really is only so much you can do!  In other cultures nothing is baby proofed and toddlers play with knives and around large pits and don't get hurt (anyone else read that in the Continuum Concept?).

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Railings!! No!!!! I am terrified. And stairs. One thing I really wanted in a house was no stairs. And we ended up in a three level house. I am up and down a million times a day. The baby's room is on the third floor with mine. I am already so paranoid about carrying him up and down all day. And of course there is a railing up there so I am worried I will trip and drop him over it. I'm sure this thought has never crossed dh's mind.

Railings.  OMG.  I'm so glad we live in a one level house!

[KayPea]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

 

 But there really is only so much you can do!  In other cultures nothing is baby proofed and toddlers play with knives and around large pits and don't get hurt (anyone else read that in the Continuum Concept?).

I remember reading this and thinking that I was WAY too paranoid a parent to be practicing Continuum Parenting.

I am absolutely the same way, envisioning worst-case scenarios. I actually kind of use it as a barometer of my mental health - when I start to worry about DD breathing in the night (she's 2.5) I know I have to pay attention to my other thoughts too. I think I'm getting pretty good at being able to tell how much is TOO much anxiety. I had Postpartum Anxiety (and depression) with DD, and I was OBSESSED with her falling out of bed. We had the crib sidecarred to the bed, so one side open, and I was literally UNABLE to leave her by herself in it. She was the kind of baby that needed to be touching someone to sleep, but whether this was her natural tendency, or a result of my total falling-off-the-bed neurosis we'll never know. Regardless, she never slept alone - I made sure either DH or I was in bed with her at all times, so 3 naps a day when she was little, and at night before we went to bed too. Talk about interfering with life! And at the time I totally didn't recognize it as a solvable problem. I was also extremely anxious about cosleeping safety - I didn't use a blanket at all for the first 4 or 5 months, slept on the very corner of my pillow, did a 100-point check of the sidecar, the crib mattress, our mattress, the tautness of the sheets... every single night. And I always made sure she had proper air access and circulation in every carrier and in the stroller. I'd still probably do this - I still get all antsy when I see parents totally smothering their babies in carriers, or putting heavy blankets or coats totally over carseats.

So I am going to be aware of these kinds of thoughts with this new baby. I know I will still be anal about safety things, but I hope that this will just help me to search for solutions, and beef up our safety setups, instead of changing how we live to accommodate my anxieties. 

I do think it's kind of crazy how some people are more "relaxed" when it comes to carseat safety. My in-laws had an older car, and it didn't have the hookups at the back for the carseat - the ones that are legally required. They were like - "Oh, it'll be fine, we aren't going far. We never needed that when we used carseats before." And they are so paranoid about other things! Like they sent me a very serious e-mail about how they were concerned about how we let DD play naked in the co-op with the other kids, because you never knew what kind of perverts were about!

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by KayPea 
 She was the kind of baby that needed to be touching someone to sleep, but whether this was her natural tendency, or a result of my total falling-off-the-bed neurosis we'll never know. Regardless, she never slept alone - I made sure either DH or I was in bed with her at all times, so 3 naps a day when she was little, and at night before we went to bed too. Talk about interfering with life!

I don't know if this will help or hinder your thought process, but I have let both my kids nap on their own in adult beds from a very young age (I know, total no no) and yes, both of them fell off the bed at least twice, but we lowered our beds for this reason and neither were ever hurt, just scared. 

[TalkToMeNow]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

I don't know if this will help or hinder your thought process, but I have let both my kids nap on their own in adult beds from a very young age (I know, total no no) and yes, both of them fell off the bed at least twice, but we lowered our beds for this reason and neither were ever hurt, just scared. 

Both of mine slept alone in my bed, too. I always had the monitor on and they seemed safe. And they both fell out of the bed more than once, though not during those naps usually! 

And I still check to make sure they are breathing before I go to bed. How silly is that? Mostly my little one who insists on sleeping with a comforter over her head. 

[Krystal323]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

I don't know if this will help or hinder your thought process, but I have let both my kids nap on their own in adult beds from a very young age (I know, total no no) and yes, both of them fell off the bed at least twice, but we lowered our beds for this reason and neither were ever hurt, just scared. 

Uh, yea.  I have had all my babies in twin beds (mattresses on the floor, no boxspring) pretty much from birth.  

At risk of sounding flippant, I think the more kids you have, the more mellow you necessarily have to be about the stuff they do/get into--otherwise you're setting yourself up for an aneurysm every time you go to the park.  Some kids are also just more daredevil-ish than others, and I am big on not stifling that natural impulse as much as I can possibly avoid it.  

My 2nd baby was climbing higher than my head-height on big-kid playground equipment by 18 months or so.  It made me nuts, and I hovered like crazy--but she LOVED it, and grew confident and savvy about climbing high at a very young age.  I think that trusting kids more often generally results in kids who are more sure of their own abilities--or rather, who have a more realistic assessment of their own abilities.  They're the ones who are less likely to do something risky when mom's not around, or if their friends are there pressuring them--b/c they have an internal concept of what they're capable of, rather than an external set of warnings and rules about what they should and should not try to do.

Now, things like carseat safety, I am more of a stickler on.  My 9yo's still in a booster seat, for example.  Or just random stranger-danger things--yea, who doesn't worry?  We live in the country, but my kids still don't really venture out of our yard alone.  

I absolutely refuse to watch the news or read all the stories of kidnappings, murders, rapes; however.  I think it's waaay too much focusing on bad/negative energy, and will make you paralyzed/crazy with fear.  I refuse to live in fear.  My parents, FWIW, took the opposite approach and told me every gory/sad news story involving kids or women from a very young age.  These things were burned into my mind from a young age, and scared me horribly.  I refuse to carry on that approach with my kids, or for myself.  

[KayPea]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

I don't know if this will help or hinder your thought process, but I have let both my kids nap on their own in adult beds from a very young age (I know, total no no) and yes, both of them fell off the bed at least twice, but we lowered our beds for this reason and neither were ever hurt, just scared. 

DD was a major roller from about 4 months of age, and to me, that was just too little to be falling out of beds, even low ones, which our bed was (though it was higher than a mattress on the floor.) I think I was especially sensitive in this area because of knowing a family that suffered a falling-out-of-bed tragedy. 

I'm not 100% sure what we'll be doing with this baby, but I don't currently have the same kinds of thoughts as I did at that time in our lives. I was using those actions and feelings as an extreme example of how it looks when anxiety is getting the better of you, so that everyone else here knows just how normal and fine their thoughts are. 

Originally Posted by Krystal323 

I think that trusting kids more often generally results in kids who are more sure of their own abilities--or rather, who have a more realistic assessment of their own abilities.  They're the ones who are less likely to do something risky when mom's not around, or if their friends are there pressuring them--b/c they have an internal concept of what they're capable of, rather than an external set of warnings and rules about what they should and should not try to do.

I totally agree with you, as contradictory as it sounds. I had much difficulty in reconciling my rational beliefs with my anxiety disorder (and worrywart tendencies, generally.) DD was a big climber/risk-taker as a small toddler (she was climbing on top of the kitchen table before she could walk) but I let her explore as much as she could, because I believe it to be so important. But how it manifested for me was that I felt the need to be within arms length of her at all times, which meant that other things were necessarily affected - like housework and food making. At 2.5 this has made her very aware of her own boundaries, and of safety in general. She's confident, but cautious when she needs to be. So I don't think my neuroses affected her too much, at least I hope not, though I recognize looking back how unhealthy they were for me. This is all stuff I'm working on for when this new baby is born. I really want to work on not letting fear control my life, though for some of us it's an uphill battle.   Heh, little worried person. 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

I don't know if this will help or hinder your thought process, but I have let both my kids nap on their own in adult beds from a very young age (I know, total no no) and yes, both of them fell off the bed at least twice, but we lowered our beds for this reason and neither were ever hurt, just scared. 

My daughter has rolled out of our bed a few times, but like you said. It's low to the ground and we have thick carpet.

[Viriditas]

Originally Posted by KayPea 

 My in-laws had an older car, and it didn't have the hookups at the back for the carseat - the ones that are legally required. They were like - "Oh, it'll be fine, we aren't going far. We never needed that when we used carseats before." 

Are you talking about the top tether? I know that's legally required in Canada but not in the US. We have never had a top tether in either of the cars we've owned (we aren't rich enough for newer cars that have them and they don't install them for free here, since they're not a legal requirement). We didn't even have latch in our last car. It was that old. But I can't imagine what it would have cost to get such custom alterations done.

I'm not saying at all that the top tether doesn't matter. I'm sure it makes the setup safer. But I'm also sure most people in the US with cars more than 5 years old don't have a top tether and don't give it a second thought, whereas you, and probably most other Canadian mums, wouldn't dream of securing your child without one. It's interesting how individual cultures shape our idea of what's safe and unsafe, isn't it?

And this is totally OT, but what is the deal with "mom" and "mum" in Canada? I lived 2 years in Toronto, go there twice a year, and all my in-laws are Canadian. I hear them used interchangeably, and half the time someone will write "mom" but say "mum." Is it just one of those weird, hybrid English-American spelling/language things that happens in Canada, like my MIL calling napkins "serviettes" sometimes and "napkins" other times?

 

 

[KayPea]

I didn't know that the top tether wasn't used everywhere - the carseat we have seems like it would be really unsafe without it. But that's probably my cultural bias, you're right. 
 

As far as Mom/Mum, and other Canadian English peculiarities, I actually have no idea. I absolutely do the same with Mom/Mum. I would say it is very likely the dual influence of American and UK English that happens here. We have a lot of regional variations in word usage too - cottage/camp/cabin, or sofa/couch/chesterfield for example. But that must be the same in the States too.

Originally Posted by Viriditas 

Are you talking about the top tether? I know that's legally required in Canada but not in the US. We have never had a top tether in either of the cars we've owned (we aren't rich enough for newer cars that have them and they don't install them for free here, since they're not a legal requirement). We didn't even have latch in our last car. It was that old. But I can't imagine what it would have cost to get such custom alterations done.

I'm not saying at all that the top tether doesn't matter. I'm sure it makes the setup safer. But I'm also sure most people in the US with cars more than 5 years old don't have a top tether and don't give it a second thought, whereas you, and probably most other Canadian mums, wouldn't dream of securing your child without one. It's interesting how individual cultures shape our idea of what's safe and unsafe, isn't it?

And this is totally OT, but what is the deal with "mom" and "mum" in Canada? I lived 2 years in Toronto, go there twice a year, and all my in-laws are Canadian. I hear them used interchangeably, and half the time someone will write "mom" but say "mum." Is it just one of those weird, hybrid English-American spelling/language things that happens in Canada, like my MIL calling napkins "serviettes" sometimes and "napkins" other times?