"Assertiveness training" for a 2 year old

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

My 28 month old is a very social, stubborn, extremely verbal and self-assured little girl. She loves making friends, knows exactly what she wants at all times and generally has the makings of a very strong personality. Which is why it shocks me to see her freeze up in conflicts with other children.

A couple of weeks ago at the park an 18 month old was hugging her, and as we all know, at that age often a hug is a tackle. She didn't like it, but instead of walking away, saying no, or calling for me she just stood there and cried. Of course by the time it got to that point I scooped her up to rescue her from the over-affectionate toddler. Then two days ago we were running an errand, I turned my back to fill out a form for 30 seconds, and in that time another toddler ran up and bit her on the cheek, totally unprompted in any way. She didn't do anything! She just stood there and looked sad and confused.

Generally speaking I want her to figure out her own way to deal with situations and don't interfere unless she's being hurt or is being too obnoxious with another child (stealing toys, throwing sand, etc.). But this is just weird. I've tried talking to her about standing up for herself with other kids but it's not sinking in.

So how do I teach her to be more assertive with other children?

[lovepickles]

Hmmm. In my opinion it is better that she pauses in conflict than overreacting or becoming physical. I think the concept of "standing up" for oneself is kind of weird to a kid. There is really no one to stand against. Kids want everyone to be happy and the tears may be from realizing that asserting herself may make someone else unhappy. They are just beginning to develop an understanding of what it is to be an individual with separate emotions.

After the incident is over I would just ask her how she feels. Maybe start by pointing out the obvious one by saying something like. "Are you sad baby? You are crying. Tell me why." After she says something just keep exploring it with her. Like if she says she doesn't want to be hugged ask her what she could say or do next time she doesn't want to be hugged. Really encourage her to use her own words and talk it out with you so she becomes more confident about expressing herself. You never know, she may be crying over something else entirely.

The goal would be to express herself during the incident but it will take time to get there. But I would strongly caution against training her or introducing the idea of defending herself. The idea of needing defense is an adult idea that is very scary to children. Children need to see each other much more innocently. Keep discussion of these interactions in the realm of "a misunderstanding" or "so-and-so doesn't know any better" or they are "learning how to do x" rather than imposing more complex adult concepts of conflict.

[cyclamen]

With my DD, we talk about how others don't always know that we want something or don't like something unless we tell them.  So when she comes to me and tells me, 'Those kids pushing me [on the bouncy car] and I don't like it".... we talked about how she could tell them, "I do it myself" and "thanks, I got it!" 

Usually she practices these things on me first, I mean literally, one day I told her, "You can tell someone, no, don't touch me," if you don't want them to touch you.  Then a few hours later, I put my hand on her head to guide her away from something and she looked up and said, "You can't touch me, mama!"  I had no idea she had been paying attention that closely!  But whenever it is safe and reasonable for me to respect that, I definitely make it my goal, and I will say, "I am sorry, I would like you to walk closer to me."  Etc.

Anyhow, I do now hear her telling other kids, "I got it!" or "No, you can't!"  etc.  And she seems very happy to be able to say those things.  So I guess it is working for her.