Thinking of sending son to boarding school...

[tankgirl73]

Yes, I'm actually contemplating the idea of sending my son away to boarding school.  But not in a "can't stand him, need to get him away from here, need to punish him with excessive rules and rigor for his delinquent ways." It's not THAT kind of a boarding school.  ;)

But, it *is* a very traditional kind of school, so that's why I'm interested in opinions and thoughts.

Okay, DS is 13, is "in" grade 8 right now.  He has ADHD and mildly Asperger's, which basically means he's extremely bright but has had various difficulties along the way.  We have used a very relaxed and creative-based approach most of the time.  This year he is really 'catching up' in terms of academic skills, as he is approaching adolescence and his brain is making those developmental changes.  We do standardized testing each year, and while his day-to-day work is often somewhat lacking (executive function disabilities), he tests in the 90-99th percentiles pretty consistently.

We've found that he thrives best with a pretty strict schedule of list of expectations.  So I sometimes wonder if the rigours of a school setting would actually be good for him -- although the expectation of independent work has so far been beyond his abilities.  But he's getting there.

About this school... it's a school for grades 6-12, with day school and boarding options.  It's in another town, a couple hours drive, so we'd probably consider the boarding option.  It's CRAZY expensive so it might not even be possible for us -- but there is financial aid, so who knows.  

For their senior school programs, you can enter in either grade 9 or grade 10 for the "pre-IB" courses.  Then for grades 11 and 12 they offer the IB program.  

My son is highly musically gifted and is considering music as his career.  This school has all the IB Music courses, which he would love.  It has many school band ensembles as well as musicals, dramas, choir, etc.

It has small class sizes, and they say on their website that they do welcome kids with learning differences and difficulties and reward effort just as well as actual achievement.  They have formal served lunches where students and faculty sit together "as a family", and start each year with a reminder of proper etiquette and table manners.  There are lots of sports activities (which my son needs).  And yes, they wear school uniforms.

So on the one hand... All that strict discipline with dress codes and mealtimes and study halls etc might be really, really good for my son who thrives on structure and knowing what to expect.  His lack of internal intrinsic motivation might be spurred on when he is surrounded by a couple hundred other kids who are, most likely, over-achiever types.  (We've seen this sort of thing before, actually... when he goes to summer music camps he takes off, for instance... he very much follows the mentality of the 'crowd' he's with, for better or for ill!)  He might really love the advanced science courses and the opportunities for hands-on real lab work.

On the other hand... the expectation of time committed to academics might be too much for him.  Maybe the writing would be too much for him, although they would likely make allowances since he does have an official dx for his ADHD/Aspie.  Maybe the lack of freedom to pursue his own interests in his own time would be detrimental to him.  (ie, the science courses, while excellent, are standard, and don't include marine biology...)  Maybe the separation from us (we are a strong AP-believing family) would be harmful in a time where he needs our guidance and connection the most (ie adolescence).  

Now as good homeschoolers I'm sure you're all thinking "do what's best for your family" and "talk to your son about what he wants".  :)  So I'm not looking for "advice" as such... just... thoughts.  Help me with my pros and cons lists.  :)

As for what he thinks... well, right now he doesn't even want to go to the local high school.  No interest whatsoever.  So I doubt that going away to an even stricter school is even on his radar!  But he is also 'young' for his age... at 13 he's socially and emotionally more like 11.  Next year he could be a completely different person.  If we considered a grade 10 entry point, for instance, 2 years from now -- so much can change in that amount of time.  He will be taller, probably voice changed, well into puberty, a real 'young man' rather than the 'old child' he is right now.  

And so *right now* I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be at all interested.  I'm just thinking ahead, charting possibilities for a couple of years down the line, when he's older and might actually be interested in something like this.  For the record, I would NOT send him to this school if he's not himself keen on the idea at the time.  

I know *I* would have *LOVED* a school like this as a child.  But, I'm weird.  ;)  And he's very different than me.

So.... thoughts?  Obvious 'cons' I've missed?  Personal experiences with kids who've done well in boarding schools?  Or done poorly?  Would you ever consider something like this for your child if the option presented itself and they were interested?

[Mom31]

I would love to be able to send my son to a school like you just described. He is gifted with some emotional type issues and I think the structure would be great for him. Of course he is only 8.

I would look into how often you could visit and correspond with him

How it would impact your other kids

How many kids with his issues are currently there( are they really experienced with asp. or just say they welcome it)

[Linda on the move]

We homeschooled until the kids were 10 and 12. They currently attend a fabulous private alternative school which they both love. It's not a boarding school.  At our school, a 3 day visit is standard before admission. It gives the kid a chance to really see what the school is like and it give the staff a chance to see what the kid is like. After the visit, there are meetings with the kid and parents to help determine whether or not the school is a good fit for the child, and also to get past labels to what a child will need to be successful at the school.

If you decide the school is a real possibility, ask for something like that. Although it isn't a standard thing for all private schools,it is a very reasonable request.

[moominmamma]

I have a good friend whose dd (who is also a good friend) went from unschooling to academic boarding school with a strong fine-arts focus at the Grade 9 level. She's now in her 2nd year of university.

She feels it was a fabulous choice for her. It was entirely driven by her desire for academic rigor and a new life away from home and parents. However ... she also feels she was a year too young when she started and wishes she had had another alternative that wasn't quite such a change from life at home for that year. She was grade-advanced (so started there in Grade 9 at newly 13) and exceptionally mature for her age, but still felt like the shift from living at home into this rigorous academic life was too abrupt. She found it stressful and overwhelming. She was very burnt out by the end of Grade 9 and had very mixed feelings, to say the least, about returning the next year. She did, and eventually settled in. As a 14-year-old she was entirely through adolescence and very much a young adult in terms of her self-concept and social confidence. She felt she would have been better equipped at that age to deal with the transition.

The other issue: though her school was definitely very strong in the arts and music, they could not match the level of music instruction and experience she had been able to pursue privately and as an unschooler. She didn't have nearly as much time to practice her instruments, and the choral, chamber music and piano instruction she was offered, while very robust for a within-high-school experience, paled compared to what she'd been able to access privately out of school by seeking out high level teachers and ensembles. For logistical reasons (time, location, school rules) she wasn't able to go off-campus for lessons. Her progress in piano slowed dramatically and she ended up taking a year after high school (while enrolled in a liberal arts university program) to beef up her music studies with more appropriate private instruction to the point that she was then able to get into the music performance program she wanted.

She doesn't have any regrets though. She had been feeling very socially and academically alone in her unschooling prior to boarding school, was dying for a change and views the limitations and adversity of her choice as having been opportunities for growth.

I was skeptical, but it seemed to work out just fine for her in the long run.

I do think that it's best if maturity and motivation are there in spades before proceeding. It doesn't sound like that's the case at all with your ds, but as you say, it's hard to know what he'll be like in a year or two.

Miranda

[serenbat]

school can sound just GREAT but no where in your post did you describe any negatives really regarding his private life/family life- is your son being immature at this age ready to be away from the family for this period of time (even in two years)? not like this is just like being at camp - what about private space, I take it it would be at least a shared room? does he value time alone and not just sitting alone but a door to close?

how much will that over shadow an even wonderful GREAT school?

many can cut the school but far fewer can cut the ties at this age, many can't even make it at the college level

this would be my 1st concern the school a distant 2nd

[tankgirl73]

Thanks Miranda, that's a very good point about the level of musical instruction.  That's certainly something I'd want to investigate fully before deciding to send him there.  He's currently taking private lessons in classical guitar, percussion, and oboe, and does piano with me (I am a professional pianist and music teacher).  He's not at a very advanced level in any of them yet (except percussion) - he was a 'late bloomer', only really discovering his musical talent a year and a half ago (not coincidentally, it's when we started meds for his ADHD).  But since discovering it, he has EXPLODED, and is progressing much more quickly than the average.  He's able to play everything he picks up -- he's also playing saxophone and electric bass in school bands (they let him participate yay!) and he composes and improvises and plays a little flute at home just for fun (after starting it at a beginner music camp this summer).

By the time he's 15 he will be miles ahead of where he is now, honestly looking back it's hard to believe it's only been a year and a half, given how far he's come.  If indeed the level of instruction would merely be "better than the average high school band experience", if he's not able to pursue ALL the different instruments he's currently interested in at an appropriately challenging level, then that's a deal-breaker right there.  Right now we can work his schoolwork AROUND all his music practice, instead of the other way around.  :)

Of course, if it is equally excellent music instruction to what he could get here (which is quite excellent, we're fortunate that this city has a very strong arts community), then it's still a possibility.  I'm fascinated by these stories of unschoolers who transitioned to academic private schools and flourished  - and the bit about the age/maturity level is duly noted.  I highly doubt we'd consider a grade 9 entry for my son.  If we do this, it would pretty definitely be the grade 10 entry.

[McGucks]

Not to be a scary mom, but the statistics about sexual abuse in boarding schools are kind of scary.  Children with disabilities are more prone to be abused, in general.

Just a quick thought.

My fantasy as a child was to go to boarding school.  I was being abused at home, so take that for what it's worth.

Good luck in finding the right path for your child, and congratulations on having a child so talented!  It sounds like you are doing a great job exploring options and taking all factors into account.

[lmonter]

It sounds like this school really could be a neat opportunity for your child!
I'd call and talk to the admissions folks and see if they have any visiting weekends or anything.  Where you all could go explore the campus together, and then maybe he could stay there for a day or three and shadow a student during classes and such (if he wouldn't be a big disruption).  Then you would definitely get a feel for the reality of it, you know? 
But again, since this isn't going to happen next week, you have lots of time to save up if need be, and to keep the school on your radar.  Get to know some folks who send their children there and get their reviews, whatever other (unpublished) info you can dig up.

[tankgirl73]

They are having an open house later this month - I got a card in the mail about it, which is what got me looking into it in the first place.  Even if he's not totally into the idea right now, checking it out would give him a better idea of what to think about down the line. 

I actually got a scholarship from this school years ago -- not as a student there, but their Foundation offers a very few, but very large, university entrance scholarships for anyone in our province.  Had to do a big application, write an essay about 'why I deserve this' haha... I think there were 4 winners, and they had a big celebration dinner for us and for winners of another prize for something (I forget what, it was a long time ago), so there were a dozen of us and our families and school officials and foundation administrators and it was all very formal and actually, very cool.  :)  So this school was already on my radar in terms of knowing it existed and knowing it rewards academic excellence.  

I don't know if my having previously received one of their scholarships would help my son get in!  :)

Anyway, I have emailed their admissions officer about what they would like in terms of documentation... their admissions policy is to include the most recent report card as well as reports from the previous 2 years... As homeschoolers, we have nothing like that -- though I do have some standardized test results.  Anyway, I couldn't see any formal policy for homeschoolers on their website so I'm just asking to find out.

Thanks for your input everyone.  :)  I think we're going to get more information and keep it on the radar...  Although I'm thinking it's unlikely that we would actually end up doing this (either for financial reasons,, musical reasons, or just 'he doesn't want to' reasons), we'll get all the necessary info ready just in case, and if things line up and it looks like a good idea, and he's mature enough to handle it, then we'll do it and not feel 'bad' about it.  :)

[Greenmama2]

Replying as someone who went to boarding school for a year (9th). I won a bitterly contested scholarship (and I do mean bitter, one of my classmates had an older sister who won the same scholarship and parents who told her they would have to remortgage their house if she didn't win it also - she wasn't very nice to me) but I gave it up after a year and left because the school wasn't meeting my needs. Everything sounded good beforehand but in reality neither their music nor their science programs matched what I had previously had access to. That might be immaterial though, what I wanted to address is the actual boarding part...
I was 13 turning 14 and it was really a very good time for me to experience a little separation from my immediate family. I was only two hours away though and on the rare weekend that I didn't go home I was actually closer to both sets of grandparents, one of whom would usually take me out for a Sat/Sun afternoon. I actually really liked a lot about boarding, what I didn't cope very well with as a PP has already pointed out was the lack of personal space. At my school year 9 boarders where in rooms of 2-5, usually 3 girls and year 10 were in even bigger rooms. Then the two final years had private little cubicle rooms with a bed, desk and wardrobe and not much room for anything else. I always wanted one of those rooms just so I could occasionally shut the door and sit quietly.
I can really see the appeal for a child who thrives on structure but I'd caution you that day to day life in a boarding house has a lot of expected knowledge, implicit rather than explicit instructions that a child with executive function struggles would likely find very difficult.
I like the idea of a three day visit, I wonder if you could include a night in the boarding house in that?