9 year olds - help getting out of upset space

[meemee]

so how do you help them? i am looking for more ideas.

so when dd is upset i am there if she needs me. but usually she prefers me giving her some space to just sit and cry and then i go in a little bit later. we talk (mostly she is upset with me) and she cries some more - in and out of crying - and then i start talking about other random things. i'll just throw it in there - a random piece of information. if she is done with her upsetness it branches of into a whole different conversation and she is sad no longer. otherwise if she is sad she just ignores my random thought or protests against that thought.

what do you do. i notice dd tends to linger on stuff and keep on crying and moaning about it and builds it up in her head and it goes crazy from there.

[Mummoth]

I do the same, give him some space to calm down. I'll offer a hug at some point, so he knows I care even if I'm angry too. I think it feels good initially to him to reject me, LOL! When he's feeling a bit better he comes over and says "Can I have a hug now?" so I don't mind.

If he's had a few episodes like that throughout the day, I'll suggest that sometimes he feels better after a shower. He'll usually tell me he doesn't want a shower... and then 5 minutes later tell me he's going to take one but not because I suggested it, he just noticed some dirt in his hair. Then I'll hear the water start up and a few minutes after that I'll hear him singing :) When he comes back out, he invariably tells me he doesn't feel better. I say "Oh well, at least you won't have to do it later now, maybe you'll have time to watch a movie after supper." or something like that (grumpy days are usually good ones to zone out in the evening around here!) After all that, he goes back to playing and often he IS in a better mood for the rest of the afternoon.

[K1329]

If it's an actual problem, I take a different approach, but, when dd, 8, has seemed to be bogged down in a negative place for too long, I have talked to her about how easy it can be to focus on the negative, &, to forget to remember the positive. How important it is to remind ourselves about the positive. (I do believe, for me, a negative thought pattern can become habit.) Since she was 3, we've been filling our "love cup" (corny, I know) with good things. I'll name a few good things that happened to me that day, or, things I'm grateful for.
I'm rambling a bit I think, but, I'm actively trying to help my dd form a positive thought pattern and not get caught up in the trap of negative thinking.
I worry about my moody girl, too! What other techniques for "squashing the funky mood" have you found or tried?

[meemee]

well most of the time dd gets v. angry. that upsets her. and she sits and cries the poor me theme.

she rarely gets into the sad place. and when she does its a kind of mourning. its got a different feel altogether. and it seems to me to let dd be there for a bit. there is something - oh how shall i put it - something profound in that grief, something very special that needs to be respected. she usually remembers her gparents and pets. if she allows me to hold her i do quietly and just silently sit with her. if she wants to be alone i get her some water to drink and a blankie and leave her alone. 

however the angry one i need to nip it at sometime, otherwise she loses control and makes it worse, and then its all out of control. 

i have never found a sure shot way that works every single time. anything works sometimes. and yes i had forgotten. just like mummoth's son, dd feels much better after a bath or even shower. it works so well for her that sometimes she herself goes and gets into the shower. 

now dd is an intense child. and she picks up on moods and attitudes around her and is extremely socially mature and has always been so. what has worked for her is understanding life is full of choices. that whatever you choose you let the other choice go. her most important coping skill has been - realizing that one can be sad and happy at the same time. that there is happiness and sadness in the choice you make. That sometimes its so hard to make the choice. for her discovering that this is life (should i take the icecream or cupcake) that sometimes choices are hard to make really nips this in the bud. 

we've been having that talk since she was 5. after she got over her 5 year phase she really got it and as time went on she understood it more. another thing was talking about people and not to take their words at face value. when they said no, how do you take that no. do u take it that they dont love you anymore or that they have a huge amount of laundry to do and so cant help. also what helped was separating the person from their action. just because he did a silly or dangerous thing doesnt mean that's who he is. 

however she has always been a thinker. and that's why talking helps her even before she reacts.

but alas she goes thru spikes of emotionality. what might be ok in one moment might not be so the next moment. 

since dd has anxiety AND 'too much' imagination she can really twist herself into a pickle. until she develops her own coping strategy i have to figure out how to help her without letting her soak in it till seh has got it way beyond worse (the other day - say mama you hate me. just say it. for 5 mins she couldnt hear what i wanted to say. so i asked her to take a shower. and then we would discuss it. her mood completely changed when she came out. 

and grasping a little bit that life happens - has made her deal with her situations better. so things that would upset her before dont that often anymore. 

[stik]

The hormonal surges of early puberty can be unpleasant, both to live with and to live through. 

I don't think there's anything profound about these moods.  When my 10yo goes through them, I check to make sure she has eaten recently because her moods are really responsive to her blood sugar.  But that is exactly how much I am interested in respecting the profoundness of that emotion.  Adults in my family are responsible for managing their moods so that they can work cooperatively with other people as needed to keep the household running smoothly.  Kids are responsible for learning to manage their moods for the same reason.  We all need some alone-time by ourselves now and then.  I say, "I love you.  Let me know if I can help," and then I back off so she can practice her management skills.