No longer homeschooling, Upset.

[Incubator]

I'm just venting more than anything, I don't have anyone to talk to who doesn't see it as a good thing.

I've wanted to home-school our kids from the start, but hubby was dead set against the idea. I applied for DS to go to a Montessori school last year but he wasn't drawn in the lottery and so didn't go. I convinced my husband to let me home-school in the mean time and he agreed.

Last fall DH came home from work and seemed to have embraced the idea of homeschooling. He said he thought we should do it, and that he didn't like the attitude of the public schooled kids he'd seen among various other things. I was thrilled! So we did a bit of home-school last year, and then we started some kindergarten home-school this year.

Things are going well. We had a home-school room and we'd sit down for about an hour a day and do some phonics work, DS would start asking questions or pick up a book and get interested in that. He can read almost any word up to about 5 or 6 letters. He can read all of his BOB books and the two primers I bought for him. Lately we've only been "doing school" for about one day per week. Between this horrible summer in the south finally being over and the loss of our school room when some family moved in, I've been letting him spend most of his time the past month playing outside.

So DH comes home on Wednesday and tells me he wants to send DS to a public school. I was crushed. He says he doesn't think I have the patience to do it for twelve years and that he doesn't think the good of home-school outweighs the bad. So He'll be going to kindergarten at the public school starting Monday. DS is thrilled. He hasn't gotten to experience the great things about home-school yet. For one thing he's in Kindergarten, the public school looks really appealing to him right now. We also don't have a second car for me to get them out of the house and go places.

I just feel like I had the rug yanked out from under me. I never got a chance to try. I've bought years worth of school books, I've been looking at curricula for first and second grade, I've made manipulatives to help me teach him some of the more tricky abstract ideas. I just feel like he seemed all gung-ho about this just a few months ago, I felt like we were on the same page and now my son is going to be subjected to the cookie-cutter anyway.

We've toured the school, and it's fine. It's not personal against the teachers or anything. There is a dress code. DS has to cut his hair. I just hate it. The first thing they do is make him look like all the other kids. I just feel crushed. It upsets me to take my child who I've worked so hard to allow him to be his own person, and have the freedom of individuality, to let him know that it's ok to be different, and the first thing the school is going to do is take that away from him.

I did at least get DH to agree that if DS decided public school is not for him that he can change his mind. I believe that DS will change his mind eventually, I am just worried that it won't happen until he's several years down the road and he's already in the mindset that school isn't fun anymore. Of course school looks fun right now, that's the point.

It just makes me upset, DS is going to love public school, but I am distraught at the idea of subjecting him to all those things I wanted to protect him from.

[sonuptosondown]

Hi there,

I wanted to say I can understand a lot of the feelings you're describing.  I've been homeschooling our kids for 5 years--my oldest is 10, then I have an 8 year old, a 5 year old dd and a toddler.  I just started our 5 yo dd at kindergarten two days ago.  I registered her, along with my older boys, to homeschool at the beginning of the school year, but made the very hard decision to put her in K just recently.

I, too, am worried that she will get a bad impression of "learning"--like that it's only something to be done at school, or only if someone tells you something is important, and all the other common "cons" of traditional schooling.  But she's such a busy little girl and I just can't provide all the activities and materials and KIDS that she is getting at K.  She was bored here too much of the time for my comfort.  I haven't been able to find other hs little girls for her to bond with.  She kept asking to go to K!  So, all this combined to my deciding we should give it a shot.

When I get too worried about the long-term impact of this decision, I remind myself: "it's only kindergarten.  They're playing and coloring and honestly having a fabulous time."  I want my dd to try new things.  And I am allowed to change my mind!!  Just because she's going to K doesn't mean I have to send her to 1st.  I will pull her out against her will if I don't think it's the best place for her.  My boys would have been a K teacher's nightmare--they didn't want to color, cut, paste, sing, dance...what else do they do at K lol??!!

But yes, both grandparents are so excited.  It hurts my feelings that, even though they haven't been negative about hs'ing, it's obvious they think this is the "right" thing to do:(  And I miss my dd so much during the day and can't wait to pick her up again and hear all about her day.

So my advice, to both you and me;-) is to look at ps K as another choice or tool available for learning and living.  Continue learning at home and out in the world and giving your ds all the wonderful enriching opportunities you would even if he weren't going to ps. Take it a day at a time.  Volunteer if possible at the school, too.

Oh, and btw, that's a total bummer about the haircut!!  I don't mind uniforms, but making him get a haircut would tear me up, too.  I guess it's a chance to say it's what's on the inside that counts?  The ps here has no uniforms, etc.

Hope that helped.  It helped me a bit to write it out, as I'm looking for the same sort of support!

[AAK]

Well, I am sad for you.  It doesn't sound like you and your dh had an actual discussion, but rather like he 'laid down the law'.  

However, your son will likely be fine in K.  Be excited with him.  Later, if he needs to return home, plan on a bit of deschooling.  I agree with pp that you should still take him on adventures.  Keep learning fun at home.  

Is it part-time or full-time K?  My 5 yo is in part-time K.  I still have mixed feelings about it.  She will likely be home next year as our troubles always came with the whole day thing.  To be fair, there are days (like today) when I want to scream and put them all in public school.  Oh well, one day and one year at a time. 

HUGS to you momma!  I hope he wasn't too attached to his hair--that would bother me a bunch too.

Amy

[Incubator]

Thank you for your kind comments. I'm still pretty upset about it. He doesn't understand why he has to wear certain clothes and cut his hair, but he is really excited about going. I am excited too, but it still bothers me. Mostly I am a bit angry at my husband, and worried about what kind of messages DS might pick up while he's there. I know he'll be ok, but I just don't like it.

It's a full day Kindergarten, Amy. 7:50 AM to 2:50 PM. It seems like such a long time. They play movies during lunch, we met his teacher and saw his classroom, they gave him a tour of the entire school. I just wonder how the first day is going to be for my little free-range, untamed little boy.

Anyway, thank you again, ladies. It's nice to have some sort of feedback other than my husband being mad at me for being upset about it.

[kittywitty]

So he just told you what's going to happen? That wouldn't fly by me. You're the one doing the work. Why does he get to make the decision? Don't you have a say in your own life and your son's?

[AAK]

Originally Posted by Incubator 

It's a full day Kindergarten, Amy. 7:50 AM to 2:50 PM. It seems like such a long time. They play movies during lunch, we met his teacher and saw his classroom, they gave him a tour of the entire school. I just wonder how the first day is going to be for my little free-range, untamed little boy.

Ouch, that is a long time.  Our full day program is 9:10-3:10 (an hour less).  However, our school skimps on recess and has a short lunch so maybe that is where the time difference lies.  He may need some down time when he gets home; I know that when my older girls were at the ps all day, they needed about 1/2 hour to themselves when they got home.  

Good luck, I hope it works out well for him.

Amy

[Incubator]

Originally Posted by kittywitty 

So he just told you what's going to happen? That wouldn't fly by me. You're the one doing the work. Why does he get to make the decision? Don't you have a say in your own life and your son's?

On the other hand, It wouldn't be fair for me to tell him he has no say in his sons' upbringing either. That works both ways. My usual tactic is to give him what he wants until he understands that he's wrong. It doesn't help for me to tell him he's wrong unless he believes it.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by Incubator 

On the other hand, It wouldn't be fair for me to tell him he has no say in his sons' upbringing either. That works both ways. 

He should have an equal say in his sons upbringing.  Equal say means you both discuss it until you come to some sort of compromise or consensus and that did not happen. 

[westslope]

I would keep at your husband gently.  If you truly believe in HSing then keep communicating how you feel while trying your husbands way.  Maybe he will come around, some people take more time to become comfortable with unorthodoxed ideas, which HSing may be to him.  Also, in the mean time you can evaluate how you are feeling about the public school system and, if you aren't impressed, you can use those points to state your case with your husband.  Also remind him that it is possible to integrate back into the public school system should things not be working out, and that your child will need to be reevaluated as he/she grows to decide which schooling model is best at the age/stage. 

He is probably scared, and compromising might mean objectively looking at the child to determine best scenario.  It sounds like you are dedicated and your heart is in it, so that might mean that you are truly the best choice teacher for your child.

I went through this too, and with gentle, honest, persistant communication, and time, I was able to convince my husband that I wanted homeschool more than he wanted public.

Another tactic might be to find major flaws in the public school system and say that you would compromise with private.  Apply for scholarships and if they are denied then that leaves homeschool as option number 2, superior to public school. 

[Incubator]

At this point my son has to agree to leave public school. He's not as thrilled as I honestly thought he'd be, but I still think it's going to take him some time.

He came home yesterday and couldn't remember a thing he did. He said first they did school, then they played for awhile, then they went to the lunch room. At lunch he couldn't find the spoon for his yogurt and didn't get to eat it, then they made him throw it away, despite the fact that I asked him to put everything back in his bag when he was done with it and bring it back home. He got in trouble for running around with some other kids. The teacher said nothing to him about the school lunch line, even though we applied for free lunch. He remembered the cartoon they watched at lunch and told us all about it. He said they did go to the playground, and they went to the gym.

Apparently the school is taking an extreme approach to fighting childhood obesity because he said his legs were sore from gym. All he said about gym was that he was asked to stand there and "do what she did". (ETA: My son is in no way obese, btw. He wears a size 6 in the legs and a size 4 in the waist. He is also in no way whatsoever inactive. I can't imagine what type of physical activity would make him sore.) He got sent home with homework. Five "decodable words" meaning the phonics studies we've done he can use to read them and fifteen "sight words" he's just supposed to memorize. That really got me.

Any sort of consensus between my husband and I is not going to happen right now. He's currently angry with me for being mad at him for being disrespectful. He's upset that I've got nothing but negative things to say about the school. I asked him if he honestly expected me to feel any other way about it. He told me to shut up.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by Incubator 

Any sort of consensus between my husband and I is not going to happen right now. He's currently angry with me for being mad at him for being disrespectful. He's upset that I've got nothing but negative things to say about the school. I asked him if he honestly expected me to feel any other way about it. He told me to shut up.

sorry you are having this sort of difficulty.

[Incubator]

Boy came home from school yesterday with his lunch still in his backpack. Uneaten. I ask him what he ate for lunch and he says he had yogurt and string cheese. Apparently he totally forgot that his lunch was in his backpack, and ate the yogurt and cheese that was left in his cubby overnight. I don't understand why his teacher did not remind him to put his lunch with the other lunches by the door, seeing as how she knew it was only his second day of school. Whatever.

He started crying when I tried to sit him down and read his homework words. He didn't realise that public school also involved school work, just like homeschool. He never cried about it when we homeschooled.

DH and I are no longer fighting, he apologised for being a jerk. We had a talk about the school. DS is waffling about staying in PS or not staying in PS. DH and I decided to let him finish out the week and then see how he feels. We'll probably pull him out after this week. It's not worth all the crap that comes with it. Especially having to worry about a teacher that isn't even helping DS to get settled in and make sure he actually eats something at lunch time.

Today I didn't bother sending his backpack. I don't see the point in toting an empty backpack back and forth to school if it's not even going to be opened to get his lunch out. Instead I put his lunch in one of DHs' extra lunchboxes. Since the only thing he carried to school is the lunchbox there is no possible way he could forget that he has it. 

[Fairy4tmama]

((((Hugs))))

Dh and I went through a similar thing this fall after my husband was on the recieving end some really neg comments about hsing from co workers and distant family. I think it was harder for my husband to get these type of comments because he was not as solid on homeschooling as I am. So we compromised and sent our first grader to music and third grader to PE at the local PS, DH was totally annoyed by every thing about it and we didn't have uniforms and the like. It was a total PITA on my end but after 6 weeks we dropped it and DH feels like we sussed out what he *thought* the school would be like. He is now much more solid on HSing than he was before.

[elizawill]

hugs. i'm so sorry. i can see how disappointed you are.  i pray your son loves public school and does really well or that your husband will recognize sending your little guy was a mistake. i can only imagine how hard it will be for you, as i have never had my children in school. but there are good teachers out there, he will make friends, hopefully it will be a good experience for him.  if going to public school is the only option, do your best to put on a happy face and keep positive. it will help your little boy with the transition too. hugs.

[Incubator]

Wednesday the Boy comes home and says he got in trouble for not taking his (empty) backpack. Thursday morning he wakes up crying and throwing a fit. Ten minutes until the bus arrives and I still haven't been able to get him dressed. DH and I decide it's not working, Boy stays home. We have a great day back to the homeschooling, very little fuss from the boy over it. Now I just have to go to the school and withdraw him.

So our fabulous adventure into public school lasts a grand total of... three days. He doesn't seem upset at all about staying home now, and DH is back on the same page. We had a talk about what he expects out of homeschool and what he wants to see.

[Fillyjonk]

reading this I'm kind of assuming that you have some strong , I assume religious beliefs about your husband's right to make decisions for you and your son?

All I'd say if so is that please, in future, do consider the effect on him of knowing that his normality could be pulled from him at any time, on his father's whim. Fair enough kindy it doesn't matter too much, but once you are established with HSing this would be a big deal. Does this happen in other areas of his life too?

I think homeschooling fathers can be very equivocal about it for a number of reasons, not least that they tend to lack our support groups, but at the same time, I think its fair to ask him to compromise, look at options, ask him to research (and you to research local schools etc). If you've chosen to give him the right to send his child to school whenever he wants, against your wishes (this is very different from raising an issue and working towards a compromise), then I do think you have to own the consequences.

If you are not coming from a religious standpoint, can I ask you, very gently, if your husband is normally a controlling man? Because, honestly, if you haven't made an agreement with him to give him this control, this really isn't normal behaviour, from either of you. Normal behaviour is working towards a compromise. I don't think most men would just demand that their child was put in school within a few days (maybe in the heat of the moment, but not seriously expecting to uproot a child that fast), and I don't think most women would aquiesce, if they strongly felt it wasn't in their child's best interests. I apologise for saying this, I do know it isn't what you want to hear.

"He's currently angry with me for being mad at him for being disrespectful. He's upset that I've got nothing but negative things to say about the school. I asked him if he honestly expected me to feel any other way about it. He told me to shut up.". TBH, its not ok to talk to you like this. Its disrespectful and dismissive. Fair enough we say things when we are angry, but thats something you do, realise, and then apologise profusely. It sounds tough for you atm, and I'm sorry about this, but please, in future, remember your son, and what he is seeing.

[Incubator]

Originally Posted by Fillyjonk 

reading this I'm kind of assuming that you have some strong , I assume religious beliefs about your husband's right to make decisions for you and your son?

All I'd say if so is that please, in future, do consider the effect on him of knowing that his normality could be pulled from him at any time, on his father's whim. Fair enough kindy it doesn't matter too much, but once you are established with HSing this would be a big deal. Does this happen in other areas of his life too?

I think homeschooling fathers can be very equivocal about it for a number of reasons, not least that they tend to lack our support groups, but at the same time, I think its fair to ask him to compromise, look at options, ask him to research (and you to research local schools etc). If you've chosen to give him the right to send his child to school whenever he wants, against your wishes (this is very different from raising an issue and working towards a compromise), then I do think you have to own the consequences.

If you are not coming from a religious standpoint, can I ask you, very gently, if your husband is normally a controlling man? Because, honestly, if you haven't made an agreement with him to give him this control, this really isn't normal behaviour, from either of you. Normal behaviour is working towards a compromise. I don't think most men would just demand that their child was put in school within a few days (maybe in the heat of the moment, but not seriously expecting to uproot a child that fast), and I don't think most women would aquiesce, if they strongly felt it wasn't in their child's best interests. I apologise for saying this, I do know it isn't what you want to hear.

"He's currently angry with me for being mad at him for being disrespectful. He's upset that I've got nothing but negative things to say about the school. I asked him if he honestly expected me to feel any other way about it. He told me to shut up.". TBH, its not ok to talk to you like this. Its disrespectful and dismissive. Fair enough we say things when we are angry, but thats something you do, realise, and then apologise profusely. It sounds tough for you atm, and I'm sorry about this, but please, in future, remember your son, and what he is seeing.

We are not religious, I am not the sort to believe that it is my "duty" to obey. I just know that my husband can be stubborn. As I said before my usual tactic is to give him what he wants until he sees that he's wrong. What good does it do me to argue with him?

As far as DS going on days' notice, that bit was my decision. DH wanted to put him in for next school year, I told him I'd rather do it now. If he chooses to stay in PS he's got time to adjust BEFORE 1st grade, and if he chooses to come back home he's got more time to arrive at that decision before it starts to impact his attitude about school.

Typically, no, my husband is not controlling, just hardheaded and stubborn. I've come to know when it's a good time to argue the point and when I should just give him enough rope and see if he hangs himself with it. I agree, his attitude and disrespect were unacceptable. Like many people, DH says things in the heat of the moment that he comes to regret later. He's a man, not a saint. As I said previously, he did apologise for being a jerk. Don't believe for a moment that he did not regret that remark every single second from the time he said it until he apologised.

ETA: I believe I should also add that DS wanted to go to a public school. At the point that the whole thing happened, I was the only one in the house who wanted to continue homeschooling. It' s not about choosing to give him that right. When it's my choice versus their choice, I believe they have the right to give their choice a shot. Either DS would do well and enjoy it and I would be outvoted, in essence, or they would change their minds and we'd all be back on the same page. Yes, I own the consequences for agreeing to try it, that doesn't change my feelings about the issue at all, which is what the OP was about. 

Edited by Incubator - 11/12/11 at 9:23pm

[westslope]

Hi I just wanted to say that I am glad that you are getting to homeschool again!  It is hard to not be able to homeschool your child when that is what your heart, soul and brain want to do, and know is best.  Blah to the discussion about control and power struggles and battles, it is great that your dh came around so quick!  3 days must be a record for PS career lol

[CariOfOz]

Despite the rocky road to getting there, congrats on being back at home :)    My boys (7 & 9) went to public school this year due to family circumstances... my 7yo has thrived like nobodies business and loves it.  My 9yo has had the worst year ever :(    He has been ostracized, picked on, bullied and quite obviously labeled as a problem by the principal.  His grades were 'ok' (meaning C's/average)  but he is capable of much much more than that.  The arbitrary rules of the school really bothered him as well, we suspect he has aspergers along with adhd (diagnosed already) so he's very black & white about things and didn't get why this was ok in this case... but NOT when he did it.  

All that leads to.... he's back homeschooling as of 2 weeks ago!   MUCH happier kid!

[MissBright]

So happy for you that you're HSing again. Congratulations! I know that relationships in marriage are so complex and filled with compromises, giving in and not giving in, and bartering in various ways to find workable solutions that I can't possibly be aware of all the nuances between you and your husband. So I won't even remark on that! I have NO right to speak, with my track record! ;D

Something nobody else has mentioned occurred to me, though. You wrote, 

Things are going well. We had a home-school room and we'd sit down for about an hour a day and do some phonics work, DS would start asking questions or pick up a book and get interested in that. He can read almost any word up to about 5 or 6 letters. He can read all of his BOB books and the two primers I bought for him. Lately we've only been "doing school" for about one day per week. Between this horrible summer in the south finally being over and the loss of our school room when some family moved in, I've been letting him spend most of his time the past month playing outside.

Could it be that he was worried about the lack of time spent on homeschooling? Maybe he was thinking there'd be more to it than that. Crafts, learning games, math and science play? If he was mostly playing outside (don't get me wrong—I believe in tons of play time; I know it's how kids learn) for a month...maybe he got worried that things were being run too loosely. Is that possible? 

It might have made me start worrying... Unless you're doing more unschooling than homeschooling. If so, I guess that would change everything. It sounds like you've done a ton of planning for the coming years. Did you put a lot of thought into this year? 

Just thinking out loud! No criticism meant or implied. It just crossed my mind that I would have been concerned if I'd been him.

Best of luck, and sincerely happy that you're back on track with your own style and plans! :D