How do you refer to your step-kids?

[VocalMinority]

Please respond to the poll, then explain what your circumstances are and why you answered the way you did.

I was surprised the other night, when I referred to my DSS as "my step-son" and my Mom exclaimed (to me, privately) that she can't believe I still call him my "step-son" (after he's lived primarily with us for the last 4 years).  She assumes it must hurt DSS's feelings and make him feel like he's not really my son.

Well...he's not.  He's really a full part of our family!  I really love him.  But I feel if I told everyone he was my son, both he and his mother would feel I was trying to take her place; and it would increase confusion among his teachers, school friends and their parents, who, with rare exception, have only ever met me and tend to forget that he has another, actual mother, out in California.

I do refer to all our kids as "brothers", never "step" or "half" (even though they are).  But calling your step-brother "brother" doesn't interfere in any way, with calling your full brother the same thing, and it doesn't really confuse anyone.  I feel like it's not the same, with "mother" and "father".  People tend to assume you only have one.

Or, am I wrong?  Tell me what you think.  

I chose the last option, in the poll.  Then I realized I should've allowed multiple answers, because the 3rd option is true for me, too!  But I don't know that you can edit a poll, once you post it.

[Mummoth]

I answered for my DH, he calls them his son/daughter and only explains the details if there's a reason to do so. I've been more inclined to explain, but I'm stopping because DD gets mad when I do. Our circumstances are different from yours, though... the kids don't have a relationship with their birth father. The kids decided to switch to using DH's last name when we got married and DD gets upset when I have to use her legal name now, too.

[4midablemama]

I have strange circumstances; when I married my ex, he had a six year-old and a two year-old who had no contact at all with their bio-mom, so I became mama. I never considered them my step children; I was raising them, there was no other parent to be offended, they were always referred to as my son and my daughter. I actually shocked a few of their teachers when something came up and for whatever reason, I had to clarify the relationship. Seven years in, dh became xh, the older children went to live with him, and for various reasons, I had to start referring to them as "step". It was very hard for me to do, because it felt like I was betraying the relationship when in reality, I was fighting tooth and nail to hang on to it. 

[aricha]

I use "daughter" almost exclusively, but clarify if I need to. Even when we lived in the same city, our circle of friends rarely knew mom and and we rarely interacted with mom's circle of friends, so there was no one really to confuse. Now we live far apart, so it's not really ever an issue, but I clarify if I need to... but it is rare that I do. Honestly, I don't feel the need to clear up confusion for very many people. Close friends and family all know the intricacies of our family, so I don't feel I need to clarify for them. People who don't know she's not my child by birth don't often need to know. 

My step-daughter prefers to just be referred to as "my daughter" and DEFINITELY doesn't want to be singled out when all the kids are around ("This is my oldest son, my youngest son, my daughter, and my step-daughter" would make her feel horrible). She refers to her parents the same way-- "my mom" and "my dad" for bio- and step-parents alike, using "step" only if there is a reason she needs to clarify. I was (and still am) the same way with my blended family. I think the only person I am obligated to worry about is my step-daughter, so I follow her lead.

Of course, on this board I always specify because clarity around all the relationships matter in these discussions.

[jstpmm]

I voted #4 but really it is a combination. I generally use 'my kids'. Or I just call them by name. People who know us know the situation and there is no need to clarify, and if there is a need I will use 'step' .

[incorrigible]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

I answered for my DH, he calls them his son/daughter and only explains the details if there's a reason to do so. I've been more inclined to explain, but I'm stopping because DD gets mad when I do. Our circumstances are different from yours, though... the kids don't have a relationship with their birth father. The kids decided to switch to using DH's last name when we got married and DD gets upset when I have to use her legal name now, too.

This....only, my kids opted to have their names legally changed to his when we married, so the only upset is when someone refers to their bio-dad as Dad, instead of dh. They call their bio-dad by his first name always. They call xh Dad when talking about him and sometimes when speaking directly to him. About 90% of the time, they call him by his first name when speaking directly to him. Once or twice, he referred to them as step-kids when we were figuring out names...and they were devistated. It felt like NO-ONE wanted to be their dad. If your kids have a bio-mom that cares for them, I doubt it would be a big deal. You might want to just ask them, though.

[LionessMom]

i clarify DSD on here and other forums just bc i like people to know the specifics. but out and about i always call her dd. we have custody and her bio mom hardly sees her. she calls me mom. we only clarify the relationship for people who need to know and even then it is just a clarification of biological relationship not our emotional relationship. i have been with her dad since right before she was born. they had broke up right before they found out she was pregnant and there was no fixing it. we got custody when she was 3 bc her mom was drinking and some other mental health issues. her mom also lost her sisters who all went to live with their own fathers. when i talk about her sister (here and all over) they are sisters. she knows about half and step and stuff but it is easier to just say sister bc what is the point differentiating. it was different when she lived with her mom. she would still call me mom but she wanted me to call her step daughter. i am not sure if that was her or her mom though.

[Lee'sGirl]

My DSS will officially be that in less than a week, but DF & I have been following his lead on what I should refer to him as.  We asked him flat out when we told him we were getting married if he wanted me to call him my stepson or if he preferred to just be called my kid.  (he had been playing Tarzan or something & saying "me stepson" "you *his nickname for me*").  He thought for a moment, then decided he didn't want me to call him my stepson because he felt like it sounded like he & I were less family.  He decided he just wants me to call him my kid, no step involved.  I still refer to him as my stepson when clarification is needed, though.

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

This....only, my kids opted to have their names legally changed to his when we married, so the only upset is when someone refers to their bio-dad as Dad, instead of dh. They call their bio-dad by his first name always. They call xh Dad when talking about him and sometimes when speaking directly to him. About 90% of the time, they call him by his first name when speaking directly to him. Once or twice, he referred to them as step-kids when we were figuring out names...and they were devistated. It felt like NO-ONE wanted to be their dad. If your kids have a bio-mom that cares for them, I doubt it would be a big deal. You might want to just ask them, though.

We're about to go back to court to get a bunch of odds & ends dealt with, one of them being the legal name change (XH refused to sign forms, there's a way to do it without his consent but we're waiting because the updated order will probably make it more straightforward) I think my kids feel much the same as yours... when we got married, DD said "Now you're really, really my real Daddy!!" They both did the 'my dad' thing when talking to other people, but I was surprised when about a week after we were married, DS came up and told me he really wanted to call DH dad, but if felt sort of funny and sometimes he forgets. I asked if he wanted help remembering and then just made it his job to "Call Dad for supper." for a few weeks... that's all it took to make it stick.

I agree that just asking is a good idea, just keep the topic comfortable. Though, if you don't see any indication that he's uncomfortable he's probably okay... we knew we had to talk about it when the kids friends started asking "Who's that?" or "Is that your dad?" and they didn't know how to explain it, so for us it's been an open topic from close to the beginning.

[incorrigible]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

We're about to go back to court to get a bunch of odds & ends dealt with, one of them being the legal name change (XH refused to sign forms, there's a way to do it without his consent but we're waiting because the updated order will probably make it more straightforward) I think my kids feel much the same as yours... when we got married, DD said "Now you're really, really my real Daddy!!" They both did the 'my dad' thing when talking to other people, but I was surprised when about a week after we were married, DS came up and told me he really wanted to call DH dad, but if felt sort of funny and sometimes he forgets. I asked if he wanted help remembering and then just made it his job to "Call Dad for supper." for a few weeks... that's all it took to make it stick.

We didn't have consent either, but mine is a funny story. =D XH had been dead for almost 2 years when we applied for the kids' name changes. The death certificate wasn't enough. The laws treated it like I just didn't know where he was. I still had to prove I had attempted to contact him, give him like 2 months to respond...then sit in court all day, just in case he showed up on the court date to contest! lol

[aricha]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

We didn't have consent either, but mine is a funny story. =D XH had been dead for almost 2 years when we applied for the kids' name changes. The death certificate wasn't enough. The laws treated it like I just didn't know where he was. I still had to prove I had attempted to contact him, give him like 2 months to respond...then sit in court all day, just in case he showed up on the court date to contest! lol

Isn't bureaucracy fabulous?  Thanks for my giggle for the day, picturing you "trying to contact" an "waiting" for someone who clearly wasn't going to show up. These systems seem to be the exclusive domain of people incapable of thinking outside a pre-drawn box. Wow.

[csekywithlove]

I call my DSS my son all the time. At the moment, he is three and hasn't seen his mother in over a year and before that her contact was sporadic at best. She doesn't make contact or try to be involved in his life in anyway. I'm the only person he calls Mom and he started that on his own at 9 months. I've never corrected him and don't see the need to. One day he will by my child in the eye's of the law until then, he already is.  I only make a point to say that he is my step son when I have to. If I ever do have to make that distinction one day to where he understands, I can almost bet that it would make him upset. I am the only mother he has ever known or has memory of.... I wouldn't want to hurt him by making him feel like he wasn't a major component of our family unit.

[violet_]

My friends mostly know me as having a young daughter, so it's confusing to suddenly talk about older kids. So I usually use "step" when talking about them. I think if we lived closer and they were with me more it might not be that way. When they are here, however, I never say step. The kids hate it and think of themselves as son and daughter so that's what I say. If my friends are confused when meeting them, oh well, as the kids' feelings come first there.

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

We didn't have consent either, but mine is a funny story. =D XH had been dead for almost 2 years when we applied for the kids' name changes. The death certificate wasn't enough. The laws treated it like I just didn't know where he was. I still had to prove I had attempted to contact him, give him like 2 months to respond...then sit in court all day, just in case he showed up on the court date to contest! lol

That's just... wow! 

[lyra2007]

Well, I go back and forth...I will say I have two daughters (one bio, one step).  When she was younger, DSD would correct people who called me her mom--"She's my stepmother."  That was when she was 3 or 4.  Since then I think she has a clearer understanding of what a family is, and she doesn't mind when I call her my daughter.  People who know us, of course, know she's my husband's daughter.  Usually, I just call them "my girls."  They both seem to like that, and it covers all bases.

[VocalMinority]

I have to admit, seeing so many people choose, "I always call him/her my son/daughter, without the step" is enlightening!  I expected that to be a minority choice, not a tie with the answer I chose.

However, from the comments it seems like "son/daughter" is more common for those of you whose biological counterpart is not in the picture.  Incorrigible referred to her kids being devastated when her DH used "step", feeling that "NO ONE wanted to be their Dad".  Well, that's easy to understand, if there is no other Dad!

Aricha's comment (as usual!) really has me thinking.  You have a long-distance situation like I do and feel like there's no reason to clarify the "step" since no one in your community knows your DSD's mom.  I realized that a significant part of my instinct to use "step" is, perhaps, place-holding for DSS's mom.  Very few people in our community know her, either, even though she does come here to visit a couple times a year.  But she makes no effort to meet DSS's teachers, friends, their parents, etc.  It's common knowledge that she looks at his whole life here as a temporary situation, until he turns 14, testifies that he wants to "go home" to her, moves back to California and never returns.  I guess I keep thinking that, as time goes on (or, if DH winds up keeping custody while DSS is in high school), that DSS's mom might start behaving in ways I consider healthier, like getting involved with his education and friendships or even moving back here.  It's hard for me to imagine a mother never breaking down and doing those things.  Regardless of all the issues of pride and awkwardness, that's her only child!  

So, in a way, I guess I'm looking at this as a temporary situation, too:  I don't assume DSS living with us is temporary, but I hold out the possibility that me doing the vast majority of the "mothering" jobs may be temporary.  Maybe I remain aware of that out of respect for DSS's relationship with his Mom.  Maybe it has more to do with me not letting myself get 100% attached to my current role, such that if it changes, I won't grieve quite the same way as if I were "demoted" in my role with my biological children.  And, just as I've put that into words, I realize how silly it is.  If my current role with DSS changes (after 4 years getting used to it), nothing could shield me from grieving over it!

Anyway, DSS and I discussed this.  I told him my instinct has been to use the "step", not because I love him less or feel like he's in any way a lesser part of the family, but simply because I know he has a mother and I don't want to sound like I'm trying to replace her.  But I explained that plenty of other people look at it differently and don't use "step", so if he'd like me to do it differently I'd be happy to.  He didn't address the idea of whether or not he (or his mother) would worry about me sounding like I'm replacing her.  But he very quickly piped up that I am his step-Mom; that's what he calls me; and he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, or feel bad about it.  So, we're good!

I have to be honest, as I've thought about it, despite my positive relationship with my older sons' step-Mom, I wouldn't want her calling herself their mother.  I know she includes them in phrases like "our sons" (referring to her DH's sons and their sons together, without distinguishing who's whose).  Of course, I do that with DSS, too.  But for her to run into a friend while shopping with my sons and introduce them as "my sons"?  Or for her to meet their teachers and introduce herself as "their Mom"?  That would rub me the wrong way.  And, to be clear, I understand the value of my kids' relationship with her to the extent that I offer her parenting time, if my ex has extended work conflicts and can't see them for awhile.  But I still don't see her as a completely equal parent.

[VocalMinority]

Quote:

Originally Posted by incorrigible 

We didn't have consent either, but mine is a funny story. =D XH had been dead for almost 2 years when we applied for the kids' name changes. The death certificate wasn't enough. The laws treated it like I just didn't know where he was. I still had to prove I had attempted to contact him, give him like 2 months to respond...then sit in court all day, just in case he showed up on the court date to contest! lol

As you sat there in court, were you tempted to have a friend dress up as a zombie and show up as a gag, pretending to be your ex?

(Obviously, I have 2 teenage sons who were really into zombie movies, this Halloween!)

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by Jeannine 

Quote:

As you sat there in court, were you tempted to have a friend dress up as a zombie and show up as a gag, pretending to be your ex?

(Obviously, I have 2 teenage sons who were really into zombie movies, this Halloween!)

Ha ha! Or a Ghostbuster... just in case.

It sounds like the way your doing things is just right for your circumstances. Ours is very different... I often have a hard time relating to some of the parents here, when I read statements like "You can never replace the child's biological parent." DH hasn't only replaced XH, he blew him completely out of the water... if he ever tries to re-enter their lives, the kids will be comparing him to their (step) dad, not the other way around. And there is no way he'll ever measure up, that I'm certain of. DS has already expressed that, actually... DH let him put the trailer on the car by himself, and as he instructed DS to take it slow, DS rammed the back bumper and dented it. DH was just like "Oh well, I guess that's why they call them 'bumpers'. Next time try it a little slower." and let DS finish the job. A week or so after that, DS and I were walking to an appointment and he saw a car exactly like ours, except with no dent in the bumper. When he said that, I reminded him accidents happen, no one is mad at him & the car already had a few dents anyway. There was a loooong pause and he  said "If that happened with my birth dad, it would have been bad." I acknowledged that it might have. )XH probably wouldn't have had him out there trying in the first place, but if he did that would have caused a screaming, insult-riddled freak-out.) DS replied that he's really happy that we have his Dad now. I think things are almost simpler for the kids when one parent disappears completely.... it's not necessarily easier, but a lot more clear.

[wanderinblues]

i have trouble with this issue!

DP and i are not married but i do a lot with his daughter and am always at a bit of a loss as to how to refer to her when talking to other people. if i have to, i will call her my step-daughter. "my boyfriend's kid" doesn't quite measure up to our relationship i don't think.

i would never call myself her mother because her mom is  very much in her life and important to her. DSD has a mom and she doesn't need another one.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

Ha ha! Or a Ghostbuster... just in case.  

...I think things are almost simpler for the kids when one parent disappears completely.... it's not necessarily easier, but a lot more clear.

I think this depends 100% on the child's relationship with the NCP.  In your kids' case, perhaps it's true.

When my DSS's mom had custody, she clearly thought along these lines.  But her sense that DSS would benefit from the clarity of having only one parent truly disregarded DSS's attachment to his dad, and the quality of their relationship (which was very good).  She was superimposing on DSS her own feelings about her ex, and her need to believe everyone recognized her as the "better parent".

Now that my DH has custody, I really have to guard against looking at things the same way!  There are so many aspects of DSS's mom's parenting that I disagree with, ranging from arguably trivial matters of taste (teaching him to value image and superficial, material things over substance); to deeply significant things (increasing the pressure on DSS to choose between his parents, instead of letting the pain of losing custody open her eyes to the hardship for her child of being torn between his parents, and separated from either one).  Sometimes I feel it'd be healthier for him - and FAR less confusing - not to have his mom's messages juxtaposed on DH's and mine.  Yet, there is no denying she is his mother and he is attached to her.  He loves her, no matter whether or how much he recognizes the damaged or self-centered parts of her.  All things considered, I assume losing her altogether would be even worse for him than the confusion of two vastly different parental approaches, and the separation.