How do you refer to your step-kids? - Page 2

[Mummoth]

You're right, it is better for the kids to have both parents if possible. I can appreciate how hard it must be to have to try and cooperate with someone so misguided.

In our case, when XH took me to court (after not bothering to show up the first time around, and realizing you have to pay child support even if you don't wanna) the Judge asked him to commit to a regular schedule when he could see the kids... he wasn't going to get whatever he asked for, but what was his availability? His answer was that he couldn't answer that. XH's plan was to let me know when he'd be in town and 'meet the kids for coffee'! The reason I left him was that he assaulted our son (he served an 18 month suspended sentence) I was asking for professionally supervised visitation, once or twice a month for about 12 visits, and then to reassess what sort of visitation would be appropriate for them. The judge told him to reapply when he can assure the court he was able to commit to visitation with some sort of predictability, and ordered that a report be done. The report would tell the judge what sort of therapy or anger management XH had taken during his sentence, and what kind of visitation would be appropriate. He has email & phone access now, which he doesn't use... he's sent both kids one email, and responded to one of DD's emails in which there wasn't even a "Hi!" to DS. I could say okay to his drop-in 'plan', but I'd be bypassing the court to do it... and if he ever hurt one of the kids again, I'm pretty sure DCF would blame me as well. Right after the assault I was told that if I went back to him (ha!) the kids would be taken from me, and if the court gives him access please call and let them know about it.

[incorrigible]

You know, I never thought of having anyone show up to court in costume...but I did seriously consider having a seance and including some kind of proof with my docs. lol I didn't because after everything xh did to us, it doesn't really feel completely impossible for him to haunt us too. ;)

Jeannine - It sounds like your instincts were spot on. I'm glad he felt the same way about it. =)

Mummoth - My story is similar to yours. When he first left, ds was 4 and his prayers that night were thanking God for making xh leave, and to please find him a "good" daddy. That was part of his prayers every night for years. It wasn't until after we'd all completely given up hope that I ended up w Beast. What unnerves me is that the kids don't look much like xh, but they look SO much like Beast. We had a neighbor go on and on the other day about how she's never seen kids that look SO much like their parents - and the Crash and Spritely are just the exact perfect combination of Beast and I. We didn't say anything, but we all had a good laugh when we got home. The kids told me that's "proof" this is the dad they were supposed to have all along. (I feel all manic, like equal parts sadness and joy when they say things like that)

[Mummoth]

Awww, well I'm glad your DS's prayers were answered! DS took the masking tape & taped up the gate in the yard so XH couldn't come back... that broke my heart. We've had the same thing with people thinking DD looks like DH... they have the same hair colour/skin tone/etc. DS looks a lot like me. I know what you mean about feeling manic. I'm glad they have a great dad now... but little kids weren't meant to appreciate their parents. The comments about how good their dad is --that they don't take him for granted--  underscores the fact that they've had to face some very sad realities in their lives.

[autumngrey]

Originally Posted by lyra2007 

DSD would correct people who called me her mom--"She's my stepmother."

People mistake me as mom a lot (DSD looks about as much like me as her mom to be honest). She almost always responds this way and has since she's been old enough to talk. I haven't given her any guidance to change, but she is slowly starting to let it slide more. I assume it's because she's getting old enough to know in what situations it's not worth explaining.

When we're with people who know me, it usually means they know DH, and so I refer to DSD as DH's daughter. When we're with people who don't know me, like at the grocery store, if someone assumes I'm mom, I just smile and accept the compliments of how beautiful/smart DSD is. We only see DSD every-other-weekend for most of the year, so I could see it being a little different if we had closer to 50% custody or more. At the same time I think I would have the same tendency to reserve a spot for mom, if we had primary/full custody.

[LittleBlessings]

I replied "For convenience, I use "son"/"daughter" with people who don't know us (like store clerks); but with people who do know us, I clarify the "step". She is not not "daughter" or I say step when around people I know and I use the word daughter around people I don't because I do not feel the need to explain myself

[bella00]

Edited by bella00 - 2/6/12 at 3:14pm

[onyxravnos]

Dsd will point out in her step mom if I call her my daughter in public (not that she doesn't like me or anything but it is the correct term) so I chose the last option but # 3 also applys :)But yes I also always refer to siblings as brothers or sisters never as step or half.

[bella00]

  I am both a stepdaughter and a stepmom. I don't see anything wrong with the word step, so I say stepdaughter when referring to DH's daughter. Thats what she is to me and it does not feel like an insult to her. She has a great mom and I want to respect that. I believe in respecting her family history and the truth is she has 1 mom, 1 dad, and 1 stepmom. Me marrying her dad did not make me a mother to her. SD lives with her mom except for every other weekend so that also factors into why i say stepdaughter as I am only with her weekends. Another reason of why I use stepdaughter probably has to due with my own stepmother. She treated me like a piece of dirt (badmouthing my mother, sending nasty emails to me, excluding me from family) during my teen years, yet now wants to claim me as her daughter. She has actually screamed at me that I am her daughter and that i better get used to it. She can't force me to think of her as a parent or a mother and I never will no matter how many years she's married to my dad. The past is the past and we can move on and be friendly but I will always consider her to be my dad's wife. She gets so angry about the word step, tells me its a dirty word, ect. I have a mother that raised me almost entirely on her own with little help from my dad and my stepmother was so horrible to me during my teen years so I find it very insulting of her to claim me as her daughter. If I were her "daughter" she would've never treated me the way she did. However in my own family now, if my stepdaughter ever expressed that she didn't like being called stepdaughter and wanted to be called daughter I would do as she wished. Its all about the kids comfort level not the adults. If they want to be referred as daughter/son thats great. But if they prefer to make the relationship known as stepdaughter/stepson which is what it is I believe in respecting their wishes. I wish my stepmother respected my wishes of referring to me as her stepdaughter, but she never will. She's very pushy about pushing this happy blended family, when the truth is she and I have almost no relationship at all. I seriously believe that if it weren't for my dad we wouldn't communicate at all. He's the only thing we have in common. Maybe thats a reason why she pushes "my daughter" cause she's trying to pretend to people that we are closer than we really are.

[Maren78]

Well after reading several of the posts here I feel awful LOL I ever really call my DSS "stepson" much less "son" for that matter. Usually when we are out and about and with people that we know I just say he is "my husband's son", and also to him I'm "Dh's name wife" he doesn't even call DH dad, DSS came into the picture not even 2 years ago, I don's even think he consider me something of his, I do like DSS he's a great kid but I'm still getting used to this, it's been difficult to adjust.

[ehooper]

When DH and I got married, my DSD and DSS asked if they could call me mom :)... however, their BM quickly put a stop to that, and she continues to make the children feel guilty for liking me. My DD's bio-father died when was 5, so she calls my DH dad.  We also have a 4 mo old son together... and not only has their BM told them I AM NOT and NEVER WILL BE their mother of any kind, she has told them that our son is not their brother.

To ease conflict and in attempt to keep the Skids from feeling even more like crap, I told them to call me whatever they want to, which is usually just my name.  Sometimes SS slips and calls me Mom, but he is quickly corrected by his sister.