Struggling to feel the bond I have with my other kids, with my youngest....what am I missing here?

[DeChRi]

I have 3 girls, 12 yr, almost 4 yr and 17 months. My youngest two have eosinophilic gastrointestinal disease. My 4 yr old less severe....she was able to BF until she weaned at 2.5 yr, and does ok now avoiding most normal food...she eats about 30 things that don't make her sick, and supplements with amino acid formula, our GI prescribes. We have challenges but we manage fine. Enter number 3. Blissful natural birth. Breastfed like a champ. Went down hill at 4 weeks. She is much more severe and despite removing nearly all food from my diet, she is unable to have any protien chains at all, without being violently screaming non stop with chest and stomach pain, vomiting, and damaging her GI tract. By 8 months I was refusing to believe I could not nurse, I was starving down to nothing, she was screaming 20 hrs a day, it was awful. We have failed every food and at 17 mnths she lives on the same amino acid prescription formula my older child supplements with. She has caught up almost every way. She has one of the most severe sleep disorders they cannot figure out and have been able to help...so no one sleeps, she is angry she can't eat and so sick when she finds a bit of food on the floor another child has dropped. She feels bad a lot. She is tired a lot. I am totally unable to comfort her. She hates being held. She won't cuddle even. She thrashed, screams, cries. When she is happy she is glorious. But she frustrated all the time. She seems angry at me. She is very physical and I feel like I am always having to hold her so hard to keep her from hurting herself, or have to grab her tightly to keep her from banging her head on something. My other two were very active not cuddly kids...but the felt so attached and gentle. My youngest in feel so physically hard with....not in a rough or mean way...but she is strong and hard to manage and she is like that night and day. Ive lost nursing as a closeness. I can't ever calm her little soul. She loves me. She wants me all the time. But every moment with her is almost a beating. I find myself holding her when she does sleep, just to get that release on warm fuzzy with her. But I want Her to feel that and I feel like something is broken because I can't. She is such a funny kid. When she is happy, there is not a spirit like her....she lights a room. But I feel like something is wedged between us, or broken. I adore her....but what can I do to nurture the softness and connection between us? I wish I could explain it.....she is either happy with the world, or raging at me. Never happy with me it feel like. I want to be able to bring her peace and comfort, but all I do is manhandle her until she crashes at night. We do OT and such and sensory work doesn't help. She was just screaming in pain vs cuddling and bonding for 13-14 mnths before she felt better. I cant figure out how to go back and fix that.

[Shantimama]

 I am so sorry that the two of you are suffering so much. I don't have any solutions for you, just the observation from your post that there is clearly a huge amount of love between the two of you and also  that you are getting no rest - either of you - and that has to be a big part of why it feels this way. I wish I could offer something that could help but I don't know what that is. 

[pumpkingirl71]

Sending hugs to you and your daughter.  That sounds so hard.  I have an adopted daughter who suffered pretty significant trauma before coming home to me.  It sounds like your daughter may have medically induced trauma/attachment issues.  My only advice would be to maybe post this question on the adoption board.  The moms there are amazing and alway have good advice

[karne]

My only advice is that, IME, it's helpful to seek support.  I think, so often, moms of kids with issues, any issues, become used to being the problem solvers, the advocates, the strong ones.  It can be hard to be on the other side and get our own needs met...or at least it has been for me.  I wonder if your pedi could give you some ideas for a therapist specializing in pediatric attachment issues, or just a really good therapist, in general.  It might help to go in and just lay out your concerns and your feelings, and see where that takes you.

Good luck.

[ASusan]

Would you consider floral essences? A member here, Panserbjorn, consults and does custom blends. I do think they might help each of you.

http://www.pediatrichomeopathy.com/p/about-elisabeth-taylor.html

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

  It's a little different situation, but my oldest ds, he's 12 yr old now, is on the autism spectrum.  He's very high functioning.  If you passed him the store or even spent a couple of minutes with him, you wouldn't even know anything is different.  If you spend a couple hours in the same room with him, you'd realize that he was not neurotypical. 

When he turned 10, things got really bad.  He started acting out horribly.  It got to a point that we couldn't even leave him in a room alone with his brothers for fear he'd get angry and hurt them.  It was ugly and it was hard, and I beat myself, because, well, there were days, when I just didn't like him.  I loved him like crazy, but I was exhausted, up all night worried about him, tense all day wondering when he'd fly off the deep end, then beating myself up for the way I was feeling.  2 years later, and I'm not saying all is perfect, far from it, but we've connected in a different way.  We go out for coffee when he gets home from school (OK, he doesn't get coffee, but we call it that because it makes him feel grown up!).  We talk about more adult stuff.  I can do more things with him, like take a long walk in silence with him.  We can listen to music together.  We talk about his homework and we actually exchange ideas and thoughts on things like the cycles of the moon.  He's studying it in science and I use that to talk to him about my spirituality and the connection it has to the moon phases.  We just talk about older things and I love him for it. 

So basically, what I'm saying, is that as kids grow and change, I think it's natural to become frustrated, to feel at times unhappy with the way things are and even though you love your child desperately, there may be moments when you don't necesarily like them.  It may be in a few years that you're connecting wonderfully with your dd and connecting to her in a special way. 

 I remember my doctor saying to me when ds1 was born, "remember this and remind yourself of this moment when he drives you crazy, because he will.  You won't always like him, but you will always love him!"  I remember laughing at the time, but now I realize how true her words ended up being!

[Erin77]

Second the reco to get support. A really good therapist could help you with perspective and relieve some of the bad feelings about how things are going. You are really tough and brave and deserve lots of help.