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Mothering › Groups › July 2012 Birth Club › Discussions › Deciding when to tell

Deciding when to tell

post #1 of 69
Thread Starter 

How do you decide when to tell? Esp curious for those who have had early m/c's. I kind of enjoy keeping a secret, but at the same time, am anxious to discuss with people.

post #2 of 69

I'm struggling with this as well, because of early losses. I'm waiting for my blood test results and then I still don't know when I'll tell. I suppose what happens will happen regardless.

post #3 of 69

I had a mc at 10 wks so won't be telling anyone til Christmas when I'll be about 14 wks.  My mom is going to KILL me for not telling her sooner, but I just kinda want it to be mine for a little while, yk?  Right now DH and I talk about it secretly and we share smiles across the room and it's very special.  <3  The kids are going to FLIP out with excitement, and I'm thinking of wrapping an empty box for them to open on Christmas morning, and DH and I will explain to them that they'll get their "gift" in July.  :D



post #4 of 69

I love the Christmas gift idea! Wish I could wait that long! I think we will tell the girls and parents in the next week..I will try and hold off as long as I can, if I start feeling sick I want the girls to know why Momma is being a slacker ;) So I want to wait until 8 weeks to tell...I guess that mean waiting 2 more weeks...we'll see! I told everyone as soon as I found out the last 2 times, however after the ealry mc,im reluctant!


post #5 of 69

We are hoping to hear the heartbeat at my first prenatal right before Christmas. If we hear it, we will make it a Christmas gift for the whole family. I haven't quite decided how yet -- unwrapping a giant gift with pink and blue balloons inside? I'd love some suggestions!

post #6 of 69

We have shared the news with some good friends and medical practitioners, but we are waiting until Christmas to tell our families.  I am trying to come up with a creative gift idea to convey the message to our parents.  I like the empty box idea, but it would be even better if we had some sort of grandparent-themed gift to give (and it would knock a gift off my list!)  Does anyone know of a cool grandparent gift/book/? that fits the bill?

post #7 of 69
Thread Starter 
Our plan, assuming we can make it is to have our kids open baby themed books in front of everyone. There is one that says baby makes five and that is what we will be.
post #8 of 69

We told our parents and siblings and now they are pressuring my to tell my grandparents, which I am just not ready to do yet.  


I think that at Thanksgiving (8 weeks)  we will tell most of our friends and family.  We want to keep it off of the social media until 12 weeks which is right before Christmas for me.  It's nice that even though I'm not telling anyone yet everyone is still looking forward to Christmas too.  So it's not strange that I'm so anxious for the days to pass.  


I teach first grade and I am most excited to tell my students, which I wont be doing until we get back from break in early January.  

post #9 of 69

We live communally with another couple and their wee boy so we've told them partly because we were so excited and partly because there was no way they wouldn't figure it out with me not taking part in Friday night beers! We've also told two other close friends and my Aunt and Uncle who I've lived with since I was about 12 and have more or less parented me. Of those two friends, one's a midwife so it was great to get advice from her and the other is my best friend who I also work with and it's really nice having that support at work. 


We weren't even going to tell my Aunt and Uncle at first, but when we got the inconclusive HCG reading I knew that if I miscarried I'd really want their support and with my Aunt having been through multiple IVF attempts I knew she'd have a good idea of where I'm coming from. Basically we decided to tell those who we'd want to know/get support from if we did miscarry, so that was our guide. 


As for everyone else, I think we'll do a Christmas gift type deal, too (thanks for the inspiration ladies, and omg Christmas is sooo close! eep!), I can't wait to tell them. Charliemae, I'm a teacher as well and I'm also mostly really excited to tell my students. I know they'll freak and I can't wait to see their reactions!

post #10 of 69

I'm going back and forth on this too. We told my MIL and FIL right away, because they live on the back part of our property and I see them almost daily. They love wine and I typically tend to have a drink with them on Friday's or Saturdays... and I didn't feel like lying to them.


We'll tell my Mom/Dad/brother at Thanksgiving. I just went to the fabric store yesterday and I'm going to make a shirt for DS that says BIG BRO and just let them figure it out when they see him OR we'll ask if they have any 4th of July plans yet... :)


For your mamas with early miscarriages - did you have any signs that you look back now and realize that you were maybe miscarrying or did they come out of the blue?

post #11 of 69
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by WendyJo410 View Post



For your mamas with early miscarriages - did you have any signs that you look back now and realize that you were maybe miscarrying or did they come out of the blue?

My miscarriage was 4 years ago this month. I found out I was pregnant on Sunday and miscarried on Thursday. We weren't keeping track of anything so I don't know how far along I was but guessing no more than 5-6 weeks. The night before the miscarriage, I had a terrible headache - like a migrane. It was so bad I vomited. (Fortunately, none of my pregnancies have included morning sickness so vomiting was very strange.) The next morning, I woke up feeling fine but when I went to the bathroom some "thing" came out. It was reddish. It was probably whatever embryo was developed. I hadn't even had my first prenatal appt. I called dr. right away and went in for u/s. I pretty much expected them to say right away that I miscarried, but they were very non-committal and I got all confused and hopeful. By the afternoon I was bleeding heavily and a little crampy. It was nothing different from a heavy period. Dr. is totally up in the air about cause but I'm pretty sure it was because I had not continued Metformin after (+). I have PCOS and this was the first time I was using metformin. I conceived my first on Clomid, but metformin has lower risk for multiples. I did get the green light to get pregnant again right away which I was able to do about 2 weeks after re-starting metformin and 6 weeks after miscarriage. I continued metformin through 1st trimester and had healthy baby girl. I am on metformin again and feel like I should feel better about the whole thing since I know to stay with it, but I'm still nervous for miscarriage while being anxious to tell people.


As an aside, only DH knew about pregnancy before miscarriage. I ended up telling my mom after the fact. I didn't tell many others about the miscarriage until after I had my DD.


post #12 of 69

I'm here to chat because I don't want to announce IRL yet :)  My mom and my sister know.  My parents live close. . . actually  in our neighborhood, and I see my mom frequently enough that she'd probably guess because I get pretty sick and really tired.  Plus she'll totally help me out with the kids when I'm feeling crappy.  And my kids won't know until I'm ready to tell the whole world!  I'm dying to tell them though.  They're going to be SO excited.


I had two very early miscarriages between my second and third, so I'm hesitant to announce anything too soon.  Both of mine were probably what they call 'chemical' pregnancies.  Both times I got a +HPT before my period was due and then started bleeding around the time I would have had a period.  If we hadn't been actively TTC, I probably wouldn't have even known about them.  This time I got pregnant on the first go, which is a huge surprise for me. . . it's always taken me several months.  My IUD was pulled on the 12th and we got pregnant on or around the 22nd.  I'm almost a week in from my positive test and holding my breath that everything will be okay.  Plus I'm already really sick, so that's a good sign.   


I don't know how we'll announce.  We did a cute little card with a family picture announcing there were FIVE people in the picture last time.  I've got some extended family struggling with infertility, so I don't like to make big group announcements at family events. . . I'd rather they have some privacy to process (been on that end of things myself).  With being sick already and with the holidays coming up, this one might just get a cute Facebook status announcement ;)  There was a thread on here several months back that I need to dig up because it had some cute ideas. 

post #13 of 69

I have had two early miscarriages...this time we arent telling until christmas. i will be 11 1/2 weeks then , thats close enough to 12 weeks for me. We are getting a pregnancy announcement photo shoot done. So we are going to frame the pics and give them to DH's family in France, and my family here for christmas. Then we will email the pics to friends and family to announce. My closest girlfriends know now, the ones i get together with once a week at a local cafe. I would like the support during the first trimester.

post #14 of 69
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by LemonPie View Post

I'm here to chat because I don't want to announce IRL yet :) 

This is exactly how I feel!!!

post #15 of 69

Originally Posted by WendyJo410 View Post


For your mamas with early miscarriages - did you have any signs that you look back now and realize that you were maybe miscarrying or did they come out of the blue?

 I had "implantation" spotting with my mc, but not my "real " pregnancies.  I also never got sick.  At 10 weeks I started bleeding, went in for u/s and there was an empty sac.  Supposedly blighted ovum. 


I'm really really hoping to get sick soon so I can know everything is "ok" this time around.  (Please remind me of that when I'm complaining about it!)  Right now I have to stop myself from eating constantly, I'm hoping it's just my body gearing up for being really sick and unable to eat through the next few weeks.  :) 

post #16 of 69

I have told some people, some close friends, some acquaintances. Just told one of my clients bc I called in sick today. Told my mom when she called bc I was sick then too. We haven't told our two children yet. I don't have set plans for a big reveal. I doubt I can wait til Christmas to tell them. They knew about my three previous pregnancies that ended in mc and took it all in stride. We will be having Thanksgiving with friends that we don't see often. I don't know if we will tell them then. We announced last Thanksgiving to the same group of friends and I miscarried the next day. I'll be 8 weeks by then. I think having and early ultrasound will reassure me and help me decide when to tell.


I have had three miscarriages: Nov. '10 at 6 weeks, March '11 at 10 weeks, and June '11 at 6 weeks. With all of them I knew because I was bleeding. The first and third showed no sac on the u/s so I had already passed it or it was a blighted ovum. The second pregnancy consisted of an 8 week size fetus that had stopped developing. My symptoms with that pregnancy had disappeared around the time the fetus stopped developing but I didn't start bleeding until 2 weeks later.

post #17 of 69

I think I will wait until Thanksgiving. That's all I can stand with family. I'm holding off because I don't think I'm going to tell work until after the new year. I've seen a few others pregnant in our system and I am not very pleased with how they are treated. I'm actually kinda dreading it.

post #18 of 69

We have told our oldest son because we wanted him to feel part of the situation. He was the only child for 10 years. He handled my m/c very well. My mother knows but only because she helps me with my little one when I am nauseous. Other than that probably not till after Christmas. I think my second trimester starts Dec 27th. We go for the u/s Dec 1st. After the heartbeat though, I can't promise anything.

post #19 of 69
Thread Starter 

Even though my plan is to wait till mid December to tell my kids, I already ordered and received the books i'm going to incorporate in telling them. I just hid them in my desk at work. I have so little patience!

post #20 of 69

We told our parents and very few close friends. I had a MC last year (this same exact time) so at times I still get nervous that it might happen again. I'm still very early and I won't be past my first trimester until after Jan. 12. As soon as that date comes, watch out FB and Twitter...I'm telling EVERYBODY joy.gif

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