Widowers and children... advice?

[kblackstone444]

I met someone.  We're just really good friends, both promising to take things slow (especially since we both have children involved), but I met someone very interesting.  I'm relearning what it's like to be happy again.  And so is he, he tells me.

I have a 16 year old son (who's "Dad", my former Husband, randomly left, taking his stepsister, who he was raised with as his sister) and a 9 month old son (who's father was an abusive psycho stalker we had to get away from), so I'm very cautious by nature when it comes to my kids these days.  My guy friend has an 11 year old daughter, a 7 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.  Their Mother died suddenly of cancer about a year and a half ago.  All our kids seem to get along pretty well and his little daughter is becoming quite attached to me.

There is a possibility that things may evolve with my guy friend so that I am officially in this forum again.

We're taking things slow, of course, but his kids have gone through an unimaginable loss and so has my older son, in another way.  Also, I want to make sure I'm the real deal for him, not his rebound.  I want to be an addition, not a replacement.  Also, I'm beginning to become attached to his kids, especially the little one (she won't leave me alone!  ), but losing my stepdaughter two years ago when my Husband left me... it still hurts.  I'm afraid to get attached to another child (or three) and risk losing them, or them losing me, if things don't work out with me and their Dad.  Is there any advice I should know about, when it comes to becoming involved with a widower, especially one with children?

[Mummoth]

I don't know about a widower specifically, but a break-up doesn't always mean never, ever seeing the kids again. When DH and I got together, I recognized that he was going to be a very significant part of their lives and decided that if we didn't work out I'd have to suck it up, be a grown up and allow their relationship with him to continue. My only big concern was that he might dump the kids too, if we weren't together anymore. Once I felt confident that wasn't going to happen, it was a lot easier to move forward in the relationship. I think there is great value in taking things slow until you feel comfortable, though.

He probably sees the benefit of his daughters having a woman to talk/relate to, as you will probably like your son to have a man to talk/relate to when he's a little older... one of the first things DH taught DS was to do a cat walk with his bike, and how to bunny-hop... I didn't know what those terms meant, let alone how to do them! There are things that the two of them find hilarious that I think are... totally stupid. The kids both (re)learned how I should be treated by seeing DH speak to me respectfully and show me kindness. If you and he are mostly a good influence on the others' children, and you believe you'd both be capable of managing it, it would be worth it for the kids to commit to being a part of their lives permanently, regardless of your relationship status. maybe that's a bit idealistic, but it's something to aim for, anyway.

[PoppyMama]

After what you've been through you must be the most cautious person around. I know you can recognize the warning signs for a psycho but have you been able to pinpoint anything from your stbxh? I have no widower advice but i know y'all must all be super tender and i also know that you and your family deserve everything good in the world. Best wishes.

[kblackstone444]

I haven't really heard from my good ex, or from my bad ex's lawyer, so that's gotta be good news.  As for my widower friend, he seems to be on the up and up, and I like him alot, but there is that super cautious part of me.  I don't want myself or my son to end up hurt again and his kids lost their Mother and I'm very aware that his kids will become very attached to me.  If I could get over my hangups about that, I do see a possibility of a long term commitment, but I want to eliminate as many, if not all, obstacles as I can before I go there.  He makes me happy- for a while, I had forgotten how to smile.