(cross posted Preg. & Birth Loss)
4 years ago we started trying to make a baby. After fertility tests (but no intervention) we discovered we had a very minimal chance of succeeding, so we stopped trying.
November of 2010 my much loved grandmother died. 2 weeks later my miracle baby came into existence. Maybe, "my grandmother pulled some strings" I liked to say.
It was a long and exhausting pregnancy. I was eating non-stop. I couldn't seem to get enough protein or any sleep. My bony self went from 116lbs to 160lbs. My work week was shortened to about 10 hours. It was such a hot summer that my regular walks became impossible. Braxton-Hicks were frequent.
My husband dreamed early on that we had twins on the way. At 28 weeks my midwife recommended an ultrasound as twins did, indeed, seem like a possibility. The scan showed we had one big healthy baby in the 75th percentile for size.
She would have been born at home, but we had reason to transfer to the hospital, so we did. They said everything looked good. I could proceed to birth my Baby, pain-killer free. No c-section needed. My birth partners were amazing (husband, sister, & midwife). Hypnobabies played in the background. Despite the Hypnobabies there was pain, but with Hypnobabies I managed it.
Perhaps 15 minutes before she was born they lost her strong heartbeat. I believe they switched to a new monitor. With her head partially out they said they need to put the electrode monitor on her (this was our only warning). Before the nurse could walk across the room I pushed Baby out. She never breathed. They tried to resuscitate her and they did get a heart rate of 30. We named her in those 22 minutes then asked to hold her so she would die with us. Of her whole existence only those 22 minutes was she not in my belly or in my arms. Just before her heart stopped she squeezed my husbands finger. (Believe it or not, my sister got a stunning picture of this.) I often told Baby that I was looking forward to seeing her daddy hold her, her lifelessness and the anguish on his face was not part of the image I expected.
49 days after she was born I had bleeding and cramping. I passed what looked like a 5 week old embryo. There was no possibility of my having become pregnant in those 49 days. It seems our sweet Baby may actually have had a twin.
Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since my daughter died and 2 days since my "dearest darling" grandfather died. Three dear ones lost in a year.
I am grateful that: the weather is good today; my husband is so strong; and that we have such supportive family and friends.
I am sad that: our arms are empty: our beautiful Baby Girl is gone; we will never know her favorite color; and that I am posting on Mothering but I have no Baby.