re-posting - Page 2

[pumpkingirl71]

My daughter was preverbal then too.  But her behaviors were manipulative.  At 23 months, she was already able to target our other child.  I even remeber her biting herself to get what she wanted.  It was hard to believe and scary.  Honestly, if someone told me about a kids just like my daughter before I became her mom, I would have thought the parent was crazy because no kid could be like that.

Sadly, it took us five therapist to find a helpful one.  We have to drive very far, since there was no one local.  But now things are improving : )

About your relatives future child, I assume they are waiting for a placement since you gave an age range?  Hopefully the children will have no attachment problems, but if they do, I would personally advise against a nanny.  We hired a friend to babysit.  My daugher was an angel for the babysitter.  It is really common for kids with attachment problem to be angels for everyone else, and that is really hard on the parents.  I don't think it is healthy for the child either.  But every kid and family is different.  I guess my point is just that knowing what is right is a responsive thing.  It is so hard to know before the child comes home.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by fosterparent 

actually no one has really shared a situation that seems to fit.  they spoke about not being able to parent their foster children in the way they may have wanted or that they felt the children were better off in daycare (which i am sure in some cases is true) but no one has told me about their actual experiences using AP for a very young foster child (other than one person who said they could not wear their baby in a sling,maybe that was you).  i am looking to hear if people have had success with AP so i can ask more questions and find possible resources (like good books, articles) so i can pass them along.  please stop attacking me for my inquiries. i am not judging anyone for their parenting decisions i am simply looking for applicable information that i can pass along.  again i thought i was on the experts forum, obviously i am not and i will try to re-ask my question there.

My first foster child (who is now my adopted son) came to me at three weeks of age, totally  healthy. I parented him pretty much the same way i did when my bio child was a baby, i carried him alot, i "bottlenursed", i coslept with him (which, technically, was not allowed so i did have a crib set up in my room), he was not left to cry if i could help it. Basic AP stuff. He responded well to it. He was never in daycare and now at 3 (nearly 4) he has transitioned to Head Start preschool very well. He is appropriately attached.

I had another foster child, a little girl 11.5 months at placement, that i had for two months before she went to relatives. She could be aggressive, bite, pull hair, push my son over. She was charming, aggressive in her insistence on physical affection (which was on her terms only), and yes, i'd say "manipulative" in as much as a one yr old can be. I suspected she might have some attachment challenges or be at risk for them in the future. She was totally content to be in a high chair or exersaucer or wherever, and left to her own devices. I tried to cosleep with her once, and she went rigid and kind of seemed confused and uncomfortable. She didnt mind being held i guess (hard for me to remember, it was a couple years ago!) but def. wasnt on the same level in terms of attachment as my son.

I've read a little bit about internationally adopted children who may not be used to the type of 1:1 close contact that occurs in families, due to being in an orphanage setting. Yes, AP practices are important in trying to facilitate attachment, but i've read time and again that you have to go at the child's speed. Some children cant handle eye contact while getting a bottle, they can't tolerate lots of physical contact at first.

Is this a pre-adopt placement or just regular foster care? Is it likely to be permanent or temporary? Is this a situation where "we are approved to adopt up to three kids ages 0-3" or is there a specific group of children they know, who will be moving in shortly?

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

I don't think they like the expert either- from what I see they rarely ask her anything.

I hope you can find some resources to help this family...I would think basic AP books would be helpful for them too.

I guess i generally find the "been there done that, here's what i'd do differently" advice i can get from other adoptive parents to be more helpful than the advice of a therapist i've never heard of and know nothing about. Nothing against the therapist, its just the advice i'm looking for is more of the "how did you handle this aspect of parenting" vein than something more psychological. Sometimes the best "experts" are those in the trenches, living it. I have a question or two though i was thinking of asking, i just havent gotten around to it.

[APToddlerMama]

I'm not an adoptive or foster parent but I am a social worker who has worked in adoption and foster care and have seen families who have practiced attachment parenting. It has definitely not worked well for all kids, but my opinion is that it has been beneficial to the majority of kids.  Also, while attachment parenting and attachment therapy are not the same thing at all, there are some seriously different schools of thought related to attachment therapy.  I have seen a really wide range of attitudes from different attachment therapists...some of them seeming completely cold and un-AP (which has ironically worked for some kids I've seen) to those who are much more nurturing in their approach. 

I scanned through all the replies so I'm sorry if I missed this info, but is this family member planning to adopt this child?  Has a TPR been done or is the plan reunification?  I ask because although as a mother, attachment parenting is very important to me, I think in some ways if reunification is the plan, it can set kids up for a lot of trauma when they return home. For instance, I'm pretty opposed to sleep training/CIO, but if I had a foster child who was returning home, I would probably do it knowing there was a substantial chance that this is what the child would experience when returning home and also knowing how stressful it can be for some parents to listen to the crying, etc., at bed time.  I would want the child to be able to be placed in a crib and fall asleep with a minimal amount of fussing, etc., because really that would reduce the stress on the child's parents which is a good thing for that child.   I also didn't notice the age of this child...are we talking infant or preschooler? 

I don't know what to suggest to you in terms of daycare because I think the outcome is going to completely depend on this specific child's needs.  Personally I do think that the majority of children I have worked with in the foster care system have done better when they were either in a one-on-one (nanny) type of child care setting or with one of the foster parents.  But, if a loving family is willing to provide foster care, I would not try to place any additional significant demands on the foster parents.  For one thing, a foster child can be returned home or placed with a relative with almost no notice, and then that foster parent is left with no job if you push him/her to reconsider daycare and quit working.  Even if this isn't a big financial burden, I can imagine it could be a large emotional burden.  There are seriously so many terrible foster homes out there, that regardless of whether or not this child is in daycare, chances are, he/she is going to be lucky to be in your family member's home.  I wouldn't want to jeopardize that by making your family member feel like staying home is a requirement if he/she wants to provide foster care.  Just my two cents... good luck to your family.

ETA... They are taking three children at the same time, correct?  Because as I think more about that, I realize what a huge change going from 0 to 1 was for our family and I also think about what a huge massive impact having three children placed in a home at the same time has on the majority of foster parents.  My experience has been for the most part that it puts a tremendous strain on the foster parents...tremendous.  Being able to continue working allows that person to a) have a break from parenting and b) maintain some of their identity, routine, and pre-child life.  I think that is even more important for individuals suddenly parenting three additional children than for those parenting one.  Reality is that there are an awful lot of foster parents who take on three children with the best of intentions and push themselves to be perfect and then totally crash and burn because it is just too much.  Going back to the idea of burdening them with additional requirements/responsibilities, as I think about them caring for three children, I think it is even more important not to pressure them.  We've done respite for sibling groups and a few days in I've been about ready to go to sleep and hibernate for three years.  More important, IMO, than not being in daycare, is being able to remain with siblings in the same home with parents who aren't at their absolute limits, without the concern that the parents will request the children be removed because it is just too much.  Changes of placement have a far greater negative impact psychologicall and emotionally. 

Edited by APToddlerMama - 11/11/11 at 1:50pm

[APToddlerMama]

*psychologically...won't allow me to actually edit.

[fosterparent]

7

Edited by fosterparent - 11/15/11 at 2:06pm

[quantumleap]

We're AP parents, and we went from 0 - 2 foster kids with our very first placement. I *thought* we were prepared - I'm the oldest of my siblings, some of whom are a lot younger than me, I'm also the oldest of all my cousins, I've been baby-sitting since I was 11, I taught a wide age range of children, had been a camp counsellor for many, many years, etc, etc. I really was not at all prepared for the strain of an instant family. When you birth a child, you go from pregnant to parenting a newborn with very basic needs, and then that child slowly grows in to a mobile infant and a moving baby, etc, etc. There's time! You figure it out as you go along. Anyway, daycare saved my butt with our foster kids. I worked very hard to connect with them when we were together, but their daycare was a consistent thing from when they first entered care (before then? I don't know). It let me keep my job(s), it helped me keep my sanity, it helped me be a better parent when we were together. They aren't mutually exclusive! I've seen foster parents parent in a very AP manner, have the child attend daycare, and still help the child work through attachment issues in a healthy way. Daycare does not preclude AP, and it isn't necessarily going to cause or exacerbate attachment problems. 

I think the comparisons between foster care and international adoption are very much unfair. The whole point of foster care is reunification. The whole point of international adoption is a permanent member of your family. You approach the two in an entirely different way. Your emotional investment is completely different. I'm not saying you invest less in a foster child, but you do invest differently. The example a pp gave above about the CIO is definitely relevant. One example that comes to mind for me is self-care. With a child I had adopted, I would likely use self-care as a way to bond. I would "baby" the child a little more. I would, for that initial period and if she was receptive, wash her face before bed, or help her get dressed, even if she was capable of these things because it's a good way to establish that bond. With a foster child, I would encourage as much independence as possible. It would be more along the lines of skill acquisition and being able to do all these self-care things themselves. Just because, while reunification might mean that their parents have become awesome parents since their kids have been in care, it might also mean that kids might need to be able to do a few more things independently than other kids their age. I don't know how to say that without being offensive. I know some kids in care are in care for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with neglect, some needlessly, etc, etc. Just, in a large percentage of cases, they could probably be well served knowing how to cook a few healthy meals, practice basic hygiene, etc, with minimal parental involvement. Oh dear, I'm just going to stop writing now before my hole becomes a bottomless pit.  

[MommyKelly]

We got youngest ds when he was 2 weeks and 2 days. We tired to co sleep. NIGHTMARE!!! He freaked out every time until I put him in his crib. He also would scream when I would try to rock him. You cant force these kids into a AP situation and think everything will be okay. He wasn't out of my care for 2 years. One day I ended up paying a friend that had experience with mental illness watch him a couple days a week for 4 hours. It was the best thing for the both of us. Also I choose to not home school him as he has a plate full of issues and needs full services. The break honestly all day has been wonderful for the entire family.

I was of the AP foster mom camp that I could "fix him". He was conceived in chaos, grew in utero in chaos, then spent a nightmare 2 years in chaos. He doesn't understand things the way my bio kids do, and he doesn't like it. It makes him really uncomfortable. I am not going to push my ideas onto him for AP. 

We also got one of our dd at 2 1/2. She was very parentified and could tell you she didn't like something. She did not want to co sleep and wanted to be in her own bed ALONE. She also didn't want to cuddle and would hug you on her terms. She is 7 now, and cuddley but not overly. 

You need to understand that odd's are these kids were abused. Some even sexually. Forcing them to an AP lifestyle is not comfortable for them and will most likely backfire in the end.

[fosterparent]

8

Edited by fosterparent - 11/15/11 at 2:07pm

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

I don't think they like the expert either- from what I see they rarely ask her anything.

I hope you can find some resources to help this family...I would think basic AP books would be helpful for them too.

I don' t know the expert. She's never introduced herself or joined in a conversation. I don't know her qualifications in the area of foster care and adoption. We have a psychologist IRL who knows my family and my son's birth family. She's the one I go to for that type of advice. I come here to talk about what it's really like to foster and adopt. It is condescending to assume that foster and adoptive parents can't have a job outside of fostering and still do the job well and meet the needs of the foster child AND foster parents.

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 
ETA... They are taking three children at the same time, correct?  Because as I think more about that, I realize what a huge change going from 0 to 1 was for our family and I also think about what a huge massive impact having three children placed in a home at the same time has on the majority of foster parents.  My experience has been for the most part that it puts a tremendous strain on the foster parents...tremendous.  Being able to continue working allows that person to a) have a break from parenting and b) maintain some of their identity, routine, and pre-child life.  I think that is even more important for individuals suddenly parenting three additional children than for those parenting one.  Reality is that there are an awful lot of foster parents who take on three children with the best of intentions and push themselves to be perfect and then totally crash and burn because it is just too much.  Going back to the idea of burdening them with additional requirements/responsibilities, as I think about them caring for three children, I think it is even more important not to pressure them.  We've done respite for sibling groups and a few days in I've been about ready to go to sleep and hibernate for three years.  More important, IMO, than not being in daycare, is being able to remain with siblings in the same home with parents who aren't at their absolute limits, without the concern that the parents will request the children be removed because it is just too much.  Changes of placement have a far greater negative impact psychologicall and emotionally. 

 

That is absolutely true. My son's sister was only able to stay in her first placement as long as she did (about 14 months) because she was in child care during the day. And then her subsequent move (and being cutoff from everyone she knew) was very detrimental to her.

Originally Posted by fosterparent 

i can see how an infant would fair better in this situation. a women i know that adopted a child from china when she was 2 used to wear her but unfortunately the child was later diagnosed autistic which is obviously a whole other issue and not something babywearing can remedy.   anyhow i wonder why international cases are treated a bit differently, why are the adopted parents in these situations being urged to do this but not in foster care cases here in the US?  i realize that some of these orphanages are terrible (as was the one this child was adopted from) but i would think that some homes here in the US may be just as damaging.  interesting.  anyhow thanks for sharing your experiences.  it seems like couple i am speaking of already has a family lined up.  i am unsure as to whether it would lead to adoption but i would think it would if it became available. again thanks :)

Foster care and adoption are two separate things. If the foster parent is able (and willing) to stay home, it's wonderful (I did it for quite a while) but if it's not what is right for the individual foster parent (and child,) then it is what it is. There is high quality child care in EVERY state. You just have to look for it. If your friend decides to put the children in a child care center, she's welcome to PM me. I can help her find a great program (as can the child care resource and referral agency in her region.) Hiring the RIGHT nanny is fine but she may be under a lot more scrutiny caring for a foster child (as in the case in some places) and the cost is likely to come out of the foster family's pockets. I'm not saying to put the kids in child care or not put them in child care. It's just not something to do without a lot of thought.

Originally Posted by selkat 

We're AP parents, and we went from 0 - 2 foster kids with our very first placement. I *thought* we were prepared - I'm the oldest of my siblings, some of whom are a lot younger than me, I'm also the oldest of all my cousins, I've been baby-sitting since I was 11, I taught a wide age range of children, had been a camp counsellor for many, many years, etc, etc. I really was not at all prepared for the strain of an instant family. When you birth a child, you go from pregnant to parenting a newborn with very basic needs, and then that child slowly grows in to a mobile infant and a moving baby, etc, etc. There's time! You figure it out as you go along. Anyway, daycare saved my butt with our foster kids. I worked very hard to connect with them when we were together, but their daycare was a consistent thing from when they first entered care (before then? I don't know). It let me keep my job(s), it helped me keep my sanity, it helped me be a better parent when we were together. They aren't mutually exclusive! I've seen foster parents parent in a very AP manner, have the child attend daycare, and still help the child work through attachment issues in a healthy way. Daycare does not preclude AP, and it isn't necessarily going to cause or exacerbate attachment problems. 

I think the comparisons between foster care and international adoption are very much unfair. The whole point of foster care is reunification. The whole point of international adoption is a permanent member of your family. You approach the two in an entirely different way. Your emotional investment is completely different. I'm not saying you invest less in a foster child, but you do invest differently. The example a pp gave above about the CIO is definitely relevant. One example that comes to mind for me is self-care. With a child I had adopted, I would likely use self-care as a way to bond. I would "baby" the child a little more. I would, for that initial period and if she was receptive, wash her face before bed, or help her get dressed, even if she was capable of these things because it's a good way to establish that bond. With a foster child, I would encourage as much independence as possible. It would be more along the lines of skill acquisition and being able to do all these self-care things themselves. Just because, while reunification might mean that their parents have become awesome parents since their kids have been in care, it might also mean that kids might need to be able to do a few more things independently than other kids their age. I don't know how to say that without being offensive. I know some kids in care are in care for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with neglect, some needlessly, etc, etc. Just, in a large percentage of cases, they could probably be well served knowing how to cook a few healthy meals, practice basic hygiene, etc, with minimal parental involvement. Oh dear, I'm just going to stop writing now before my hole becomes a bottomless pit.  

Absolutely true. A big part of the job of fostering (and it is a job as well as a joy) is trying to decide what's right for each INDIVIDUAL child's situation. DD was really happy here with my family but she didn't FULLY attach until I went away for a weekend (to our state's foster and adoptive care conference.) She NEEDED me to go away to be sure that I'd really COME BACK.

[Polliwog]

There's some great books in the resource sticky. You might want to look there. I'd also suggest that your friends (and you) join the message board at www.fosterparents.com. It's not where I go for the crunch but it's a good place to get the nitty gritty of fostering and foster/adopting from the people who are doing it or have done it.

Originally Posted by fosterparent 

i wonder how they would know if the child had an attachment disorder being that it might be only 1-2 years old.  i am sure there are symptoms (i know what they are in older children) but where would they get an assessment?  an attachment specialist?  do you think an early assessment would be beneficial? 

[lauren]

I think that the best practice approach these days is to practice "attunement" to your particular child, not to utilize a one size fits all approach that includes a predetermined menu of strategies. It's also important for foster/adoptive parents to really know themselves: what their triggers are, what pushes their buttons, and to examine their own attachment histories so as not to muddy the waters when parenting children with difficult histories. Developmental trauma (which is one of the new thoughts about what an attachment problem really is) can manifest in many different ways. For some children there will be certain kinds of needs, for other kids, other types of needs. It depends a lot more on their attachment pattern and how they "do family."

I think one of the reasons that the moms on the adoptive/foster parents board are not so quick to unhesitatingly recommend 'AP' is because they have lived with more atypical children, more children with abuse/neglect/sexual abuse histories, and as they have said, AP is not always the way for each of these children. Here are a couple of other good places to look, in addition to looking at all the resources in the Sticky.

http://www.danielhughes.org/

http://www.traumacenter.org/products/publications.php

I hope you won't misconstrue folks questioning and disagreeing with anything other than good wishes.

[fosterparent]

9

Edited by fosterparent - 11/15/11 at 2:08pm

[Polliwog]

I would assume that the foster parents have thought through their decisions but an article or two might be ok to share with them. I'm going to assume that they've already been matched with a sibling group, probably as a possible adoptive placement if parental rights are terminated. Because, that's really the only way that I can see a nanny situation working well. Most nannies (and I've been a nanny so I know many,) want a stable job. A good nanny is less likely to accept a position that might last one day, one month, or three years.

Some foster infants/toddlers are lucky enough to be with a stay-at-home foster parent who is able (and willing) to be there all day and meet everyone's needs. This is not the reality for most foster infants/toddlers and most do fine.

[lauren]

There are also  many wonderful home child care providers that take just a few children, that might be willing to be a part of the solution and to practice strategies that would enhance attachment. The quality of the care they choose will be critical. A large child care center with lots of staff turnover would be much less healing for the child than a warm, attachment focused home provider, for example. I like to see child care providers as kind of a 3rd leg to a stool when they are needed.

[lauren]

Originally Posted by fosterparent 

I agree that attunement is definitely the best approach.  In doing my own research I have come across a few articles that discuss "developmental trauma" as well. I found this article from AAP very useful in understanding this.  http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;106/5/1145.  This particular finding is interesting "Separationsoccurring between 6 months and about 3 years of age, especiallyif prompted by family discord and disruption, are more likelyto result in subsequent emotional disturbances. This partlyresults from the typical anxiety a child this age has aroundstrangers and the normal limitations of language abilities atthis age."  One of the children this family will be fostering  will be in this age bracket which again is why I question the use of daycare and the introduction of more stranger into the young child's life if other arrangement can be made (which are not impossible in this case).  Perhaps an older child with better communication skills and less stranger anxiety may adjust just fine but i still question the appropriateness of a typical daycare for an at-risk child in this stage of development.   Again my feelings on this are sort of irrelevant as the couple needs to make their own decision on what works best for their new family.  All I can do is pass along information that might help them to see the situation from a different perspective. My perspective comes from working with many older children with attachment disorders and seeing what type of environments worked best for them.  I have been fortunate to work in several different types of therapeutic settings and I would say the settings where the therapists and other staff members used attachment-based therapies (not attachment therapy that is different) were more far more effective. 

I'd love to read that AAP article but it is coming up 'page not found.' Can you try linking again?

[Polliwog]

I completely agree. It probably wouldn't be easy to find that person (in this situation,) but if the parents can find her, it's a great solution.
 

Originally Posted by lauren 

There are also  many wonderful home child care providers that take just a few children, that might be willing to be a part of the solution and to practice strategies that would enhance attachment. The quality of the care they choose will be critical. A large child care center with lots of staff turnover would be much less healing for the child than a warm, attachment focused home provider, for example. I like to see child care providers as kind of a 3rd leg to a stool when they are needed.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by lauren 

I'd love to read that AAP article but it is coming up 'page not found.' Can you try linking again?

There is a period at the end of the link that shouldnt be there, if you click on the link then delete the period it works.

[dogretro]

The more posts that are being made to this thread, the more irritated I am getting.  Fosterparent, have you ever BEEN a foster parent?  You asked for the opinion of others & they are giving it to you, but you keep on circling around to your own original statement of wanting this mother to stay home and care for her foster child.  Her hypothetical foster child, who might be 2 year old, and who might be two months old.  It seems to me that no matter what anyone else has said, you are determined to convince this woman to quit her job to care for the kids.

Number one, in foster care, the goal is reunification.  The kids may only be with the family for a few months.  Why would anyone quit their job in that situation?  Number two, the state will pay for state licensed child care if both parents are working.  They will NOT pay for a nanny.  Number three, foster parenting is HARD.  Taking care of three kids is HARD.  It's not a big deal if you want to pass on a book or article, but the reality is that people who are not foster parents do. not. understand.  You are at the whim of the county, people in and out of your house all the time.  Appointments left and right.  An awkward co-parenting dance with someone who you may come to not like very much.  A list of rules a mile long and just as wide.  You assume the baby will have/may develop an attachment disorder while the reality is that all three of them may already have one.  If that is the case, holy shit, I would send them all to daycare!

I am a stay-at-home mother and have been since our first was born three and a half years ago.  We have had three foster placements over the span of that time w/ us taking 2 years off in the middle to have a second child and take care of my gravely ill mother.  All three placements were newborns.  Our current dfd is six months old & was placed w/ us at birth.  Two weeks later, she went back to mom.  Two months later, she came back to us & has been here since w/ no signs of returning.  DH and I are her primary caregivers 24/7.  She gets two visits per week with her mother & she has a babysitter who watches her for a few hours twice per week, once so that I can attend Bible study sans children and once every other week so that I can take my other two girls to our Morning Garden class.  My husband travels for work every other week, so during that time Bible study and dfd's visits with her mother are my only break.  Did I mention that CYF in our county has insane rules about what your babysitter must go thru to watch your foster child alone?  It includes getting a physical and taking a TB test.  I am present in the building during Bible study, so that is okay, and dh works from home, so the sitter can only come every other week during Morning Garden.  When dh is out of town, I take all three girls w/ me, not only to school, but to everywhere I go.  Our CYF-listed "substitute caregiver" (our dear friend who actually went thru the approval process for us) has two little kids of her own now and works.  Oh, and she cannot watch dfd in her own home b/c that process is even more invasive & the family is not willing to do it.  Basically, this means that dfd is with me at all times.  DH and I cannot even go out to dinner alone b/c of CYF sitter requirements.  Telling a foster mom, "I think you should become a stay-at-home-mother," can be an even bigger commitment to that child than if she had her own child!  When the time comes that we do receive a child with special needs, I cannot just call up a friend to watch said child, even if I desperately need a break.  The best I could hope for would be to go outside in the yard while someone played with the kids inside.  Same for my husband.

DH and I are committed AP parents.  For foster babies, this means babywearing & bottlenursing with us being the only ones feeding and changing lo until we feel proper attachment has been established.  Cosleeping is not allowed, which is okay with us, but we do not do CIO.  We carry dfd A LOT and are as responsive as we can be with three little ones to care for.  DFD is bathed and lotioned and groomed and fussed over non-stop.  These are all things we would do even if I worked outside the home and our kids went to daycare.  It may come to pass that your relative decides that she and her family will be better off if she, or her husband, quits work.  They may decide that they bit off more than they could chew and the kids move to a different placement.  NOTHING in foster care is written in stone.  Not a thing.  For parenting, I would suggest any of the books by Sears.  They are all about forming good, attached relationships with your children.  The magazine Adoptive Families http://www.adoptivefamilies.com is the only print magazine I have encountered that even talks about foster care & it is really good.  It will be nice for your relatives to have supportive people in their lives, but giving unsolicited advice is quite rarely appreciated, no matter what the topic.

[Polliwog]

Dogretto, I would die if things were like that here. Most sporadic babysitting here falls under "prudent parenting" guidelines (people the foster parents trust) or friends of the foster child (who don't need to be background checked.)

But, I totally agree about not knowing what it's like to foster until you actually do it. In many situations, it's just like having a bio child in your home. But, often it's not. And taking in THREE children at one time is a HUGE undertaking.