DD always prefers daddy - mama sad....

[Katc8910]

Fr the last few months, my DD (2) has been really into daddy. When daddy is home, it's like I don't exist. We both work but I get home by 2:30 and spend most of the day with her. My husband often gets home after she has gone to sleep. He tries to spend time with her in the morning and on the weekend. Also, we cosleep and for the last few months my husband has taken over night parenting so that he can have more time with her. We both agreed that this was good for DD and my husband really loves it. I don't know if this has anything to do with DD's preference for daddy or not.  I don't know if she somehow feels now that i don't want to be there for her at night.  But I spent the first 14 months of her life being the primary caregiver to her day and night. I wore her every day.  I put her to sleep for naps and at night. I felt that we were very close and very bonded. But these days I feel like I lost much of that closeness. It's not jealousy exactly that I feel. It is more like sadness. I miss her and it really hurts when she asks for a hug or to be held and I try to give her one and she pushes me away and reaches out to daddy. This kind of stuff happens all the time. She follows my husband around all the time. When he's not there, she asks for him or asks to call him. This is not the case when I'm not there. At night when she wakes up scared she calls for daddy to hold her. If daddy is tired and I try she cries and pushes me away. 

I know kids go through phases of preferring one parent over the other, but this has been going on for so long and it's so extreme (at least it seems that way to me).  It leaves me feeling so sad and rejected. I love her so much and my life revolves completely around her. I plan all her meals, outings, play with her, basically take care of all ner needs, but I feel like it doesn't mean anything to her. And maybe at this age it doesn't - all she knows that her needs are met as they should be. 

The other thing is that my husband is a bit of a pushover when it comes to discipline. We follow gentle discipline, no rewards or punishments, etc. but there are clear boundaries. They are clear with me, but not so much with him. For example, he cannot put her down for a nap or down for the night without major drama, lots of crying, etc. She won't go to sleep for him without him being actively involved in it. He often has to lay down with her in bed for her to fall asleep. This follows many requests for books, watching Thomas or Cailou on TV, being held, etc. When I put her down for the night, there is no drama, no repeated requests for things. We do not believe in crying it out so it's not that I just let her scream. It's just that I make it clear that it's time for sleep (this is since she's been old enough to understand, not when she was a baby - back then I did all kinds of things to get her to sleep like wearing her, rocking, holding, snuggling, etc.) so she knows not to keep asking for this or that.  She does that with my husband and it can take him 2 hrs to get her to sleep - so he almost never puts her to sleep.  With him she knows there are no boundaries or limits and she knows he will do whatever she asks for. With me she knows there is a routine and there are boundaries. And our bedtime routine is peaceful and lovely. I enjoy it in fact - esp the hugs and kisses. 

So I don't know if it's the fact that she knows she can get him to do whatever she wants or that he takes care of her at night or the fact that she doesn't see him that much during the week or the fact that he is very silly with her (i am too, but it doesnt come as natural to me as him - he is great at silly play that makes her giggle) that's the root of the issue here. But whatever iit is, I can accept it intellectually, but my heart still aches and I'm left feeling so very sad. I don't know how to deal with these feelings (I'm not angry at her, maybe angry at him at times, but mostly just sad). 

[LittleBirdy]

I don't remember where I read this, so forgive me for not providing any sources or links, but the theory is that natural child spacing generally puts children about 2 years apart which is why many children go crazy for daddy at this age - they are biologically hardwired to do so as there is often a new baby who needs mom's attention right at this time.

My son is 15 months old and my relationship with him is very similar to your relationship to DD.  I am his primary caregiver and the "preferred" parent, so I can imagine what you must be feeling with this new found preference for her father.  It must be really hard, even though you know it's just a phase, to feel rejected like that, especially with how much time and effort you put toward her development.

I had two thoughts when I read your post.  One is that perhaps this is a good time for you to take some "me time". You've been working really hard at mothering your daughter for the past 2 years.  It sounds like she is needing you a little less, and you find yourself with a feeling of being unfulfilled.  As if all your efforts are now going un-noticed.  Perhaps the thing to do is to scale back those efforts just a bit, and channel them into other activities which bring you joy - perhaps some things that you used to enjoy prior to becoming a parent that you haven't had time for recently.

The second thing that crossed my mind is about the sleep.  We began to have similar problems about a month ago.  Whenever I would try to put DS to bed it would take hours.  DH can give him a bottle and a few snuggles and then into his crib where he goes to sleep without a peep.  If I try this he screams and cries - I have to lay with him in the bed until he is very deeply asleep at which time I can put him in the crib.  For us, I don't think it's that I'm less firm in setting boundaries - I just think that he fights sleep when I'm around because he wants to stay up and spend more time with me (even though he's clearly exhausted) - this going back to the "preferred" parent thing.  So DH puts DS to bed every night for now.

Just my .02!

[Katc8910]

I remember reading somewhere about taking advantage of the extra time to take some "me time." I think that's a good idea. I haven't read a book just for pleasure since before DD was born. Everything I read these days is either about parenting or children's health or holistic living. I do miss having "me time," so this may be the time to get some of it back.

I think that the biggest issue for me is that things aren't balanced with me and DH. I do the vast majority of house-related work (in addition to having a job) and I have to do it all with DD around.  I do get her involved and she enjoys it, but it's still folding laundry, putting away the dishes, vacuuming, cooking, etc.  It's not fun silly play.  I don't have much time left for that after the house work. DH doesn't really do much around the house and his time with DD is one on one fun silly play.  So mommy is boring and daddy is fun.  I am also much clearer with limits and boundaries and DH has almost none and is very permissive.  I think we need to balance things out a little better so that DH has more responsibilities (and DD gets to see him in that light more) and I have more time for fun silly play.  And DH needs to stop catering to every wish and whim and set some clearer limits esp. around bedtime.