I have to vent!

[pregnova]

I'm sorry for the long post, and I really have no idea if this is the right forum, but it has to do with unassisted pregnancy and birth and my DP. 

So, I recently went through a natural miscarriage at roughly 8 weeks +. It was a really long drawn out thing, (I even posted on this board about it) and I wasn't sure I had actually miscarried completely until well into what would have been my 10th week. The week prior to the actual miscarriage event, I began spotting light brown with some fairly awful cramping. I held on to hope that things would work themselves out and as the week stretched on, I actually began to think I might NOT be miscarrying. Then, one night of contractions, passing of large clots and some heavyish bleeding (but still nothing compared to most people's descriptions). I dealt with this at home, by myself after having sent my DP and ds out. I continued to spot ect... for the next three weeks? and watched carefully for signs of infection or incomplete miscarriage. 

About a week ago...maybe a little more now, I began having noticeable swelling on my left side along with some minor pain. Over the course of the next three days, a bump appeared on the left side of my belly button that was tender. A swelling bump also appeared directly beneath my left rib and became more and more tender. (By this point, I was visiting my in-laws trying to relax and recover from everything with a change of scenery) I finally freaked one night when the 'discomfort' crept into my back, and I felt a sharp twinging feeling in my left shoulder, and I had my mother-in-law take me in to the ER. Everything checked out fine through bloodwork, and I was told not to worry about it and that there was no sign of infection from the miscarriage. I also kept my midwife's appt. that had been planned for the next day and received the same news. Which, has been relieving, and gradually the swelling/bumps and discomfort have dwindled although I still occasionally have a twinge here and there. 

I should mention, that this entire time, we had been planning a UP/UC. And, by the time my ER visit came up, I would have been nearly 12 weeks. So, a considerable length of time from the start of my miscarriage ect...

Fast forward to today, and my DP is now adamantly against UPing, and says that he will not be ready to try again (irregardless of when I feel ready) until I have found the necessary support for a next pregnancy because he can not/is unwilling?? to provide that. Obviously, I asked for clarification, and by this, he means that he is not willing to help me diagnose any concern I might have in a pregnancy. In simple terms, if I want an unassisted pregnancy/birth, then I will be doing it entirely by myself and will not be able to discuss any concerns or complications that come up with him. He doesn't believe that is something that I should do or am capable of, so he is strongly suggesting that I find a midwife for a next pregnancy and birth. 

Keep in mind, this same person was fully onboard for a UP/UC, and apparently still is, so long as he is not expected to be involved in any way...which is coming as a shock. 

I love my DP, but right now, I'm literally fuming. We have both agreed for years now that we feel this is the best way to bring a child into the world. And now I'm being asked (told really) that if I want another, I will have to have a midwife. And, I just don't even know how I feel about that right at this moment. It seems to me that birth and pregnancy is pretty much my realm of decision making although I respect conception ect... as a joint decision. I'm confused as to how I should even react to this.

Any advice, what would you dos??

*sigh* Thank you ladies if you take the time to read this. And please forgive me if this is the wrong place for a post like this!

[MotheringBliss]

What an ordeal for you both!  Your DP sounds scared and powerless in his reaction to having to go through the process of miscarriage.  After a waiting period (allowing the intensity to subside), I would try to allow him processing space to continue to express his need to step out of the responsibility that he may have been emotionally/mentally unprepared for.  Sounds like he was "overexposed" to the complexities to trying to blindly troubleshoot, protect, and support you through events that are difficult to navigate.

Ever try non-violent communication?   Stating emotionally loaded issues from a place of compassion with focused intent to understand the other's perspective can go a long way to dispelling fears and defensive reactions.  See if you can reassure him through validation and empathy, then perhaps encourage him to express his feelings about specific areas and incidents that led to his need to withdraw.  Gradually as his defenses lessen, he may come up with alternate ways of handling future contingencies that empower him in supporting you.  Giving him plenty of time, space, and support of his ideas and expressions is crucial, otherwise he may continue to withdraw and put forth ultimatums.

You certainly can feel it's that "birth and pregnancy are your realm of decision making" however, on a very primal level, overriding a man's need to have final say in such an intimate area invites resentment.  He has no safety net or assurance that a painful outcome would not leave him to blame not to mention his own suppressed pain.  Work slowly and carefully towards a place where he feels respected and honored as your protector by allowing him control over the details and deferring to him for major and minor decisions.  The plans and preferences in your mind need to be flexible to allow for damage control in your relationship or you may encounter continued friction over control issues.  The process to reconcile an event that's left him spooked is no quick and easy fix.  You may try to begin with other areas where you may be at odds like intimacy, finances, parenting, and move towards the more recent wound.  You'd be amazed how much more responsive, present, and attentive he could be given your absolute confidence in him.

Just some approaches that have turned things around for me.  Sending healing to you both.....

[Katwoman]

Please try and be gentle with him and yourself right now.  You guys have just gone through an emotionally painful ordeal.  Even without the mc, the swelling/pain you experienced would be enough to freak out a partner that loves you.  (All sorts of things come to mind when afraid for the one we love.) 

I agree with the pp, please gives yourself and your dp time to grieve, get your feet under you, and heal from this ordeal before making any concrete plans or holding any hurtful words against the one you love.

You've gone through a really painful experience.  I wish you peace and love during this period!

[pregnova]

Thank you both for your replies. 

I think you both are right. My DP appears to be terrified at the prospect of another pregnancy. I have worked as a doula before, am always obsessively reading about it/studying research pertaining to it, and we've been in agreement that someday I will train as a midwife/begin work again as a doula for a while now. However, now, even just a passing comment I make about some story I read pertaining to a birth, or some new insight I gained in dealing with a breech birth, ect...whatever it is, literally causes him to shut down. 

We have both agreed to wait a long time before we try for a next. The agreement now is to wait until 'roughly' 18 months in the future because of a new business my DP is currently getting off the ground and the drain that is putting on us in every way imaginable. I can only hope that in that frame of time he can heal from the effect this miscarriage had on him and help me to find the best birthing experience that we can enter together. 

Seeing how afraid he IS right now of another pregnancy, it has made me realize that a UC really might not be a route that we can go with a next baby. Maybe later...but probably not the next. I'm sad about that, but I know that I'd rather have my DP completely involved and feeling safe about the choices we are making than go against his preferences and lose his support. It's just not worth that. 

Thank you MotheringBliss for reminding me of Nonviolent communication. It's something I do know quite a bit about and understand it's importance...especially in a relationship, but *sigh* it can be SO hard to practice in the heat of the moment. lol But, we are doing better, and I'm working very hard to respect where he's at right now and to take things as they come.