How to get 19m old DD to sleep on her own for longer than 20 minutes...

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

We cosleep and I still truly love it. I love waking up with DD next to me, I love being able to comfort her when she stirs but before she wakes, and I love love love being able to continue nighttime nursing without getting my lazy butt out of bed.

Here's the issue - DD won't stay asleep at all unless I am cuddled up next to her. DH and I seldom get grown up alone time because she doesn't really nap after I get home from work in the evening, and she needs me to lie with her or else she wakes up - and THEN she thinks it was a nap, and she will be up all night.  

What we have been doing is I get home from work, we eat dinner as a family, we play and hang out, then when DD is getting grouchy, DH brings her upstairs while I unwind for 30-60 minutes in front of the computer/pick up the house, then I go upstairs and nurse DD to sleep and I read for a bit before I got to sleep too.  When I go upstairs, DH goes downstairs and has his alone time - he's a SAHD, so by that point, he really needs it.

What we WANT to have happen is I come home, we eat dinner, play, bring DD upstairs for nighttime routine, DD goes to sleep and mommy and DH go downstairs together to be a couple again,  I don't care whether DD sleeps in our bed or her own bed - she has a beautiful toddler bed (that she never uses, and that was converted from the crib she never slept in ).  All I care about is getting DD to the point where she is comfortable to sleep for 2-3 hours so that DH and I can get some alone time.  The lack of ANY alone time is definitely starting to take a toll on our marriage.  To be clear, the issue is not that we don't have a place for alone time, it that we are never alone. 

Anyone BTDT? Suggestions?  We are open to any suggestions except CIO, but I wouldn't expect that here anyway.  TIA!

[gypsymama2008]

What worked for us was to stop nursing to sleep.  Our current routine involves nursing in the living room before bed and then putting her in bed to fall asleep.  I don't know if you'd be open to working toward letting her fall asleep by herself, but it's been Heaven for us since it started working :)  If you are, it might be worthwhile to invest in a fun nightlight (ours is this ugly orange and black art deco cat-shaped lamp that we found in my parents attic and DD loves it) and makes sure she has a favorite lovie with her in bed.  It's also best to do it very slowly.  We started out with me lying in bed with DD and rubbing her back, to me sitting on the floor holding her hand, to me sitting by the door to me sitting outside the door (we did this very slowly, like over six months but the process could probably be sped up).  The key for us was to always come in when she cried or called us even if some nights it meant going in 17 times some nights, she learned that she was safe and we would always come if she needed us even if she was by herself.  Another technique I read about is to tell your DC you are going to leave the room for a little bit and come back in 30 seconds and slowly, over time increase the increments of time you're gone so they learn that you do come back.

Another thing you could do is set a nursing limit, ie no nursing before 10:00 PM after bedtime. For DD we had one of her stuffed animals we would put next to her nightlight when it was time to nurse again.  This helped my DD sleep a lot better.

And if none of those help (and actually even if they do) I can't recommend enough the book Sleepless in America, it was such a relief to read that I wasn't the only person in the world whose two-year-old wasn't sleeping through the night, and it has so many wonderful, gentle techniques for helping the whole family to sleep well.