Ways to help my partner soothe the baby

[rinap]

My girls are five months old. They outgrew their colicky phase, but now they have a three hour screaming fit at bed time. We've been working on a regular bedtime routine, but it's hindered by the fact that the girls get increasingly agitated when my partner holds them, bounces them, sways with them...

I'm trying to figure out how to either give him the input he needs to help him soothe the girls or convince the girls that their father is a soothing person.

Any suggestions? I may try pumping and having him bottle feed, but I did a whole lot of pumping very early on, and... it's a lot easier to just feed the girls.

But this isn't working. I can't comfort both girls at the same time, and when we keep trading such that I have the least hysterical girl at any time, it just stretches bedtime out and out and out and I end up feeling resentful and exhausted.

[Megan73]

Colicky twins... Oh my.
I don't mean to be glib but I really think all you can do is get out of the way and let him figure it what works for him. Our first son was what is dubbed "high needs" around here and DH came up with his own creative soothing routine of rocking and singing songs that are still my son's favorites or walking him to sleep in the Ergo. It may not work right away but they will learn that their dad is a "soothing person" and he'll be a more confident father.
Good luck!

[rinap]

I try very hard to stay out of the way (and don't always succeed, but I'll try harder), but at this point he's so frustrated that he asks to trade for the less fussy baby and eventually just leaves both babies with me and goes to another room. I'm trying to figure out a way for him to build some confidence and be less upset. Because the other option is to just do everything myself with my husband angry at me.

[Megan73]

That IS tough - for both of you.
Two thoughts. One, could he strap on one of your babes in a carrier and go for a walk? It's always worked for our kids - eventually.
Second, could he practice the baby soothing during a lower stress time of day, giving you enough of a break that you have the energy to handle bedtime alone while he gets up to speed?
The other thing I've learned - and you may already be doing it - is to start bedtime earlier so baby doesn't get overtired. Many babies - including both of mine - fell into a routine of needing a nap two hours after waking, a second nap three hours after waking from the first and bed time four hours after waking from the second nap. It's really worked for us.
Maybe someone in the multiples forum would have some ideas...
Edited by Megan73 - 11/12/11 at 6:01pm

[rinap]

I've been inching bedtime up, though my husband gets frustrated. He thinks the girls will sleep longer if we put them to bed later, though my experience is that they wake between 4 and 5:30 regardless of bed time, and sometimes wake at 2, again, not related to bed time).

But I'll work on having him with the babies during less stressful periods; it's tricky because he comes home just a little before bedtime, so by the time dinner has been eaten it's time for bed. But I should prioritize that.

Thank you.

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by rinap 

I've been inching bedtime up, though my husband gets frustrated. He thinks the girls will sleep longer if we put them to bed later, though my experience is that they wake between 4 and 5:30 regardless of bed time, and sometimes wake at 2, again, not related to bed time).

But I'll work on having him with the babies during less stressful periods; it's tricky because he comes home just a little before bedtime, so by the time dinner has been eaten it's time for bed. But I should prioritize that.


Thank you.

I agree with you - neither of my kids have ever slept later if they go to bed later. If anything, sleep begets sleep and they've slept longer at night on a day when they have had good naps and gone to bed before getting totally overtired.
What might work is putting them down early then having a pleasant adult dinner together after they're in bed. It sounds like you could use a glass of wine!

[cat13]

One thing that has really helped with so many aspects of our parenting is to really let DH own his own actions. In our Lamaze class we watched the Happiest Baby on the Block video, and I think that it helped give DH some tools to use with our colicky guy. Granted, they don't all work and don't always work, but it was something that DH learned from a video and NOT from me. Maybe it's just who he is, but if I had told him those exact same things he wouldn't have listened, but because he learned them "on his own" he really owned them, ykwim?

Also, it sounds like you might already be doing it, but be sure to let him have his own time, even if he's not doing it the same as you or as well as you. Tell him that you are in the other room and are available if he asks, but you won't come in and help unless he asks. And when he does ask for help, come in calmly and let him know what a great job he has been doing. This might help build up his confidence to know that he won't be judged if he can't calm them as good as you (not to say that you ARE judging, it's just that sometimes I find men have very sensitive egos).

Another thing that took my DH a while to understand is the idea of overstimulation. If DS is regular-fussy, he really responds well to funny voices, heavy bouncing, silly faces, etc. But if you do this when he is "beyond-cranky" it might work for a minute, but then it really backfires.