Can't stop worrying « Back to Group Discussions

[Annie Mac]

Despite having no signs to indicate this, I've become mostly convinced that I've lost or will lose, the baby. I've even had dreams for the last few nights wherein I lose my actual living breathing, running-around-the-house baby (not to death, but to stupid things, like letting some stranger take her away or a custody battle). I always retrieve her in the dreams, not that that means anything, it's just a dream. I don't have any spotting. I don't have cramps. I still have some signs of pregnancy, although the nausea (which was never very strong) is not as bad in the morning. I'm actually intentionally not eating anything right now to see if I can induce the nausea,and I am, in fact, a *little* nauseated, but not much. I'm not as tired as I could be. I still have the superpower sense of smell. With my last two children, I was so obviously pregnant, especially with the m/s. 

I'm becoming a bit obsessed about this, googling miscarriage and reading stories about it and generally making myself crazy. My next doctor's appt is not until Nov 25. I have considered calling them and seeing if i can get them in, but what would I tell them? "Hello doctor, I have no signs of miscarriage and even some signs of pregnancy, but I'm sure something's wrong. Can we ultrasound? Even though you couldn't do anything about it even if I were?"

Just -- I wish I had a crystal ball. I am so so so bad with uncertainty. On the upside, I haven't been worrying obsessively about my own aches and pains   -- haven't had a "heart attack" in weeks, lol!

[Momo123]

I can relate. I am very bad with uncertainty too, in general! This is my second pregnancy but I am so nervous for some reason, and obsessed with any symptom (or lack thereof). Maybe it's because I didn't know much about pregnancy and bad things that can happen the first time around so was blissfully unaware. But as as I talked to friends and people around me during my first, I found out how frequently miscarriages happen and remember being really surprised. I am almost 10 weeks now, and I am trying to relax more, as there's nothing I can do but take care of myself and live life. My next appointment is right before Thanksgiving and hopefully I can hear a heartbeat then...

[Calycanth]

Me too. I'm almost 8 weeks, well beyond the gestation at which I lost my first pregnancy, but I can't seem to relax. It's very hard for me to feel excited about being pregnant (and I really want to be excited!) because I've convinced myself that it could end at any moment. Our first appointment isn't until the 30th. The wait is killing me.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

You know Annie...you're not alone. I keep trying to convince myself that my gut is telling me this baby isn't going to happen.

I think it is because it was such a shock...and we had to do so much processing to wrap our heads around not being done after all. I cried, ACTUALLY cried, about being pregnant with this baby. Looking back now, I can see that the way I found out (told by a nurse, in the doctors office, where I went because I was convinced I was dying) felt really traumatic and that, duh, it had so much to do with hormones and being hit with really emotional news and knowing that my husband was going to be really stressed....but it doesn't matter, because now my own wicked brain has turned against me and I find myself being so negative with myself about this whole thing and feeling guilty about the way I reacted.

I get nervous and think "I just don't see this happening, my gut is telling me this baby won't stick around"  - and when I try and talk myself down from that panicky feeling, this ugly voice just says even WORSE things. "It happens all the time, yeah, your uterus is growing....it could still be a missed miscarriage" - it's baffling to me. I never speak to myself so negatively, I'm always soothing with myself when I'm nervous or upset.

I'm usually such a strong minded person. I can talk myself straight, I am very positive within myself and I'm a HUGELY optimistic person. So none of this fits for me.....which is why I think it is hormonally based. My hormones have been SO strong this time....with my DDs pregnancy, I was so happy and filled with a deep sense of peace and well being. With DSs I was much more tired, but also knew everything was good, trusted that my body was doing a good job, etc. This time, I have none of that. This time, I feel like my body is tricking me...I feel like I'm going to go in for my first appointment with my MW to have her say she can't get a heartbeat and that I'm going to go for an ultraound and that they'll be like "yeah, your baby died shortly after your first ultrasound" (that my Drs office did to rule out an ectopic)...it's this reoccurring nightmarish feeling I have that I am going to find out that all this time I've been soothing myself and trying to comfort myself by talking to my baby, etc is all going to feel so foolish and stupid when I find out that I've had a dead baby inside of me this whole time.

:( :( I just keep telling msyelf it's hormonal. My hormones this time have given me this weird depressed feeling...I just feel overwhelmed with feelings of doom. I'm trying really hard to fight through it, be gentle with myself, stay AWAY from the google search bar and just trust....but it's really hard.

Just today, I swear I felt movement. It was that little feeling...that light, light brush of a feeling...like a finger dragging across the inside of me...but I don't trust my own mind. So, now I feel like I'm just feeling things because I so desperately want this baby to be now. Because I told everyone and my whole family has rallied around us to help us see that even though this wasn't the plan, it's going to be great....I feel like I'm going to lose this baby and be devastated and everyone will be like "Well, it's not like you were trying anyway, right?" - and I'll just be crushed. I can hear them saying it, see their faces in my head. My dreams are weird and bad. Everything is just weird and bad for me right now and I KNOW it's in my head because my life is SO great and perfect, my kids are so excited about our "tummy baby" my husband has actually come around and is planning with me....

I still have my crazy aversions

my m/s is getting better all the time

my boobs are slightly sore

my hormones feel like they are raging so bad

my headaches are intense

my sleep is bad but my dreams are vivid

no bleeding

no cramping

my uterus is growing

These are the things I'm hanging on to. These are the things I remind myself of. But most of these things are things I have been experiencing normally over the last three years, just because of raising some wild kids. Sometimes, I forget I'm pregnant...because I don't feel pregnant the way I did with my other two. I just feel shitty and tired.

Take care of yourself Annie....try to remember how powerful hormones can be. All of our mind and body is ruled by hormones....being hormonal doesn't just mean being weepy or being angry....it can mean your whole outlook is changed. It can mean getting crazy thoughts, fears, etc stuck in your head and really believing them, really being unable to shake them. Be gentle. Step away from the google....my appointment is on November 22nd....yours is only a couple of days after that. We're going to make it to those appointments together and we're both going to find out that our babies are just fine.

Connect with your little spirit baby....talk to her/him and tell her/him how worried you are...I swear, if you try, it will help, even if only a little bit. Don't let your mind tell you not to connect, don't let it tell you to resist forming an attachment to "something that is going to leave you" - even if the worst came true...this babys little spirit DOES exist...you know? Jsut say hi to it, tell it that Nov 24th feels like a long ways off and that you need help making it. I'm here for you. I get what you're going through. I swear it's hormones, because this is not the kind of chick I am....I don't get stuck on morbid and negative thoughts like this.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Oh...and if having an ultrasound on the day of your next appointment is what you need....you freaking push for that. Don't let them tell you no, don't let them try and calm you or whatever....tel them you want it and you're going to have it. Nicely, obviously....but explain to them that walking away without peace of mind is going to drive you crazy. Tell them that something feels different this time and that the only way you're going to be able to sleep at night, eat and not be walking around with a ball of stress in the center of you, is to SEE that everything is okay.

[LionessMom]

i was freaking out like that too. i told the doc that i was real worried and they said that was all they needed and sent me for a us. being stressed out is no good for you. for what it is worth, i thought i was done too. i had been making plans to get my tubes tied and was real shocked and devestated to find out we were expecting again after not wanting any more. but now that i am i want the baby very much and am afraid i will lose it bc i wasnt happy at first. i actually cried the other day thinking that god might take away the baby bc i didnt want it at first. it is just fears i think. with all the hormones and what not, we get paranoid and worried. try not to worry too much but def push for answers from your doc if that is what you need. <<hugs>>

[eirual]

Sometimes it helps to think about all the against-the-odds babies.

Sometimes life is full a little stubborn bundle that refuses to quit....think about babies of drug adicts and people that live off coke and chips, unsuccessful abortions. Picture your little bean as a fighter.

Oddly enough, last pregnancy I was never online and hadn't yet discovered MDC. I just assumed it would be a safe and healthy pregnancy so shouted it rom the rooftops at 4weeks pregnant. This time around I find myself dreaming of miscarrying and the "what-if"s are in the back of my mind. I think a lot of that negative thinking comes from what you're exposed to. If you need to take a break from the internet and delve into a lovely and empowering birthing/pregnancy book to get your thoughts in check then by all means that might be worth a shot if you're stressing yourself out about it.

That's not to say people's miscarriage stories shouldn't be told and it's important to hear them, but I mean, if you're getting on a plane don't watch horrible plane wrecks- breathe deep and think happy.

[Annie Mac]

Great responses! Eirual, you're so right. I should not be seeking out stories about things that are bound to freak me out. I also may change care providers. So far, I haven't felt good about my first choice; the practice just wasn't what I expected it to be. I have an appt with a midwife on Wednesday, so maybe having a consistent caregiver will help my state of mind. At the other place, the doctors do 2 weeks rotations. They try and schedule you in with the same one, but if something happens outside of those times, you see someone else. And they didn't have an after-hours pager. I am a needy patient! So anyway, the midwife offers consistency of care and after-hours phone calls if necessary. I will see if she will send me for an u/s to set my mind at ease. And truthfully, my periods haven't been all that regular, even though I know for certain when the last one ended. 

I too, think about the drug addicted babies who make it through, but that's part of the problem -- it's just so random. 

[kjourdan]

I brought up anxiety and worry at my appointment today.  My midwife affirmed that this is a hard time of pregnancy since the baby isn't moving so we know things are going well.  She also talked to me about how a lot of it is hormonal, but also that if a woman has suffered from postpartum depression with a previous pregnancy (which I did) they actually want you to be aware that it can happen during pregnancy in subsequent pregnancies, so just be aware and take note if you are feeling that way after the first trimester....

Kahla

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by kjourdan 

I brought up anxiety and worry at my appointment today.  My midwife affirmed that this is a hard time of pregnancy since the baby isn't moving so we know things are going well.  She also talked to me about how a lot of it is hormonal, but also that if a woman has suffered from postpartum depression with a previous pregnancy (which I did) they actually want you to be aware that it can happen during pregnancy in subsequent pregnancies, so just be aware and take note if you are feeling that way after the first trimester....

Kahla

^^THIS.

I feel like I'm DESPERATE to feel this baby move. I palpate my uterus all day and just wish and hope and pray for movement. I'm almost eleven weeks, so I feel like maybe I'm only a few weeks off now...my other pregnancies I felt movement by 13 and 14 weeks...so, with this being the third baby, I feel like maybe it'll be earlier or at least the same. Then, as soon as I think that to myself, I start thinking "yeah...what do you want to bet this babys got an anterior placenta....;)

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma 

^^THIS.

I feel like I'm DESPERATE to feel this baby move. I palpate my uterus all day and just wish and hope and pray for movement. I'm almost eleven weeks, so I feel like maybe I'm only a few weeks off now...my other pregnancies I felt movement by 13 and 14 weeks...so, with this being the third baby, I feel like maybe it'll be earlier or at least the same. Then, as soon as I think that to myself, I start thinking "yeah...what do you want to bet this babys got an anterior placenta....;)

I am going to do this. Once I get settled into a practice (or maybe even before that) I will tell them about the anxiety and push for an u/s. It will make me feel better, and you're right, stress & worry is no good for anyone. I tend to keep my anxiety from doctors, out of the perhaps misguided idea that they will dismiss all subsequent ailments as psychosomatic and as a result I will not get the tests I need. 

Originally Posted by LionessMom 

i was freaking out like that too. i told the doc that i was real worried and they said that was all they needed and sent me for a us. being stressed out is no good for you. for what it is worth, i thought i was done too. i had been making plans to get my tubes tied and was real shocked and devestated to find out we were expecting again after not wanting any more. but now that i am i want the baby very much and am afraid i will lose it bc i wasnt happy at first. i actually cried the other day thinking that god might take away the baby bc i didnt want it at first. it is just fears i think. with all the hormones and what not, we get paranoid and worried. try not to worry too much but def push for answers from your doc if that is what you need. <<hugs>>

[Annie Mac]

AverysMomma, I like the idea of talking to the little one inside. I did that with my last two pregnancies. It's something that feels spiritual AND believable, together, if that makes sense. I find that motherhood (especially with small children) and pregnancy tend to quash any spiritual beliefs I may have. It's just so earthy, so connected to what all the other mammals are doing, that I find it very difficult to believe that I could possibly matter very much, in the universal sense of things. I can see myself as part of the continuum of life and death on earth, same as everything else, but there's very little comfort in that when I'm worrying about miscarriage. 

This pregnancy happened at the 11th hour for us. We had just decided to not have any more, and then, boom, I was pregnant. So part of me wants to say that this baby was meant to be. Of course it will be fine, it was meant to be born. But then another part of me thinks: who do you think you are? You're just another animal, so more special than a squirrel or a chicken or an ant. Do you imagine their babies were 'meant to be?' 

Yeah. So. I find some spiritual aspects to be difficult to sustain, especially as they relate to motherhood, but talking to the baby in utero seems to walk a line of spiritual and earthy. I like that idea. 

[Annie Mac]

Alright, I'm sure the pregnancy is still going, and here's how I know for sure: chocolate is turning my stomach and I don't want to eat it. Oh, it's a sad, sad day. 

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac 

Alright, I'm sure the pregnancy is still going, and here's how I know for sure: chocolate is turning my stomach and I don't want to eat it. Oh, it's a sad, sad day. 

i cant eat chocolate either, dont even like the smell. and if i try to eat it.... well i will just leave it at that.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac 

AverysMomma, I like the idea of talking to the little one inside. I did that with my last two pregnancies. It's something that feels spiritual AND believable, together, if that makes sense. I find that motherhood (especially with small children) and pregnancy tend to quash any spiritual beliefs I may have. It's just so earthy, so connected to what all the other mammals are doing, that I find it very difficult to believe that I could possibly matter very much, in the universal sense of things. I can see myself as part of the continuum of life and death on earth, same as everything else, but there's very little comfort in that when I'm worrying about miscarriage. 

This pregnancy happened at the 11th hour for us. We had just decided to not have any more, and then, boom, I was pregnant. So part of me wants to say that this baby was meant to be. Of course it will be fine, it was meant to be born. But then another part of me thinks: who do you think you are? You're just another animal, so more special than a squirrel or a chicken or an ant. Do you imagine their babies were 'meant to be?' 

Yeah. So. I find some spiritual aspects to be difficult to sustain, especially as they relate to motherhood, but talking to the baby in utero seems to walk a line of spiritual and earthy. I like that idea. 

OKay now hold on....you just listen to me for a minute, lady!!

Of course your baby is meant to be...right now, meant to be a spirit within you....and later, when s/he is born, you will know that the birth of your child into the world was meant to be, too.

Every ant grows to move a grain of sand. Every butterfly, grows to flap it's wings and send out those beautiful ripples of air....across continents and the whole world...to be breathed in and out by you or me as we hum our labor song. We are all learning and growing our spirits and working...no one creatures work is more important than any others...and no one creatures work is worth less. It is all necessary work, it is all artful.

Don't doubt for one minute the purpose and meaning in everything we do. I do not believe in some bearded man in the sky..I do not believe in some grand plan...but I do believe in the earth as a single living organism. I see the intricate pattern of life, the ebb and flow of energy...as being the same in every thing as grand as the whole living, expanding universe...and as small as the ant, who moves the grains of sand.

It is true, that the arrival of your little one is no more important than the arrival of another ant somewhere in a rainforest colony of sand movers....but look at that analogy and realize that what that means, is that the arrival of this little one, is no LESS important than the birth of a new star...or any other wild celestial event, practically unfathomable in it's greatness and awe inspiring scale.

Every living thing is important...because we are all one. We are but dancing rainbows on a wall...expressions of the universe, magical beams of light from every which way in the whole of creation...passing through a single prism. We are all living things, that make up a giant living thing...that is a part of an even larger living thing.

We tend to place smaller amounts of importance on smaller things. But it is ignorant of us to do so. Every grain of sand moved, every flap of a wing, every stranger who smiles at a passing baby....every act is a pulsing sign of life in this great place. Who among us can know the potential of a moved grain of sand...who among us can say that it wasn't the playful flapping of dancing butterflies, that started that wind, that turned to a storm...that caused a tsunami...that shifted the course of the world.

Every new creation has the potential to do great things....even if it is only to make people smile or push around sand. Your baby will come into this world...and the world, by the very act of this persons arrival, will never be the same as it was. One more loving heart is a huge gain for our earth....don't forget that.

One can never say that something which is, wasn't meant to be. We are here to learn to love, we are here to live in love, we are here, because we are meant to be. You cannot tell the future...don't get wrapped up in it. You can't change the past, don't chain yourself to it.

Focus on the pure loveliness of this moment...in this moment, everything that is meant to be, is. In this moment, you are almost infinitely powerful. In this moment...everything is as it is and it is perfect.

Talk to your baby...and I will talk to mine...and we will forget this madness and hand wringing over the future. We will tell our babies that we are so excited at the possibility of them and feel complete happiness in existing in the now with them. We will think of cute ways to convince them to stay and grow and join on this side of things, we will tell them about their siblings and their fathers and all of the wonderful things about our life that will be a part of theirs, too....and should the worst happen, though it won't, we will feel blessed for the time that we were filled with the magic of new life and we will understand that even though it was a short life....it was meant to be that short, we are learning what we came here to learn...and we are doing our work well.

It's gonna be okay, mama....and yes, you ARE special...and your baby is special too....just like the wombat babies and the ant babies and the brand new stars, exploding into being in places we cannot even conceive of. The stars are alive with the same energy which flows through you and me...and most of them cannot conceive of us, either. We are all the same, we are all a part of the same thing...we all matter, very much.
 

[Calycanth]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac 

Alright, I'm sure the pregnancy is still going, and here's how I know for sure: chocolate is turning my stomach and I don't want to eat it. Oh, it's a sad, sad day. 

LOL! It's been about a month since I was last able to enjoy chocolate. And cheese, that's my other major aversion. Two foods that I love dearly!

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma 

OKay now hold on....you just listen to me for a minute, lady!!

Of course your baby is meant to be...right now, meant to be a spirit within you....and later, when s/he is born, you will know that the birth of your child into the world was meant to be, too.

Every ant grows to move a grain of sand. Every butterfly, grows to flap it's wings and send out those beautiful ripples of air....across continents and the whole world...to be breathed in and out by you or me as we hum our labor song. We are all learning and growing our spirits and working...no one creatures work is more important than any others...and no one creatures work is worth less. It is all necessary work, it is all artful.

Don't doubt for one minute the purpose and meaning in everything we do. I do not believe in some bearded man in the sky..I do not believe in some grand plan...but I do believe in the earth as a single living organism. I see the intricate pattern of life, the ebb and flow of energy...as being the same in every thing as grand as the whole living, expanding universe...and as small as the ant, who moves the grains of sand.

It is true, that the arrival of your little one is no more important than the arrival of another ant somewhere in a rainforest colony of sand movers....but look at that analogy and realize that what that means, is that the arrival of this little one, is no LESS important than the birth of a new star...or any other wild celestial event, practically unfathomable in it's greatness and awe inspiring scale.

Every living thing is important...because we are all one. We are but dancing rainbows on a wall...expressions of the universe, magical beams of light from every which way in the whole of creation...passing through a single prism. We are all living things, that make up a giant living thing...that is a part of an even larger living thing.

We tend to place smaller amounts of importance on smaller things. But it is ignorant of us to do so. Every grain of sand moved, every flap of a wing, every stranger who smiles at a passing baby....every act is a pulsing sign of life in this great place. Who among us can know the potential of a moved grain of sand...who among us can say that it wasn't the playful flapping of dancing butterflies, that started that wind, that turned to a storm...that caused a tsunami...that shifted the course of the world.

Every new creation has the potential to do great things....even if it is only to make people smile or push around sand. Your baby will come into this world...and the world, by the very act of this persons arrival, will never be the same as it was. One more loving heart is a huge gain for our earth....don't forget that.

One can never say that something which is, wasn't meant to be. We are here to learn to love, we are here to live in love, we are here, because we are meant to be. You cannot tell the future...don't get wrapped up in it. You can't change the past, don't chain yourself to it.

Focus on the pure loveliness of this moment...in this moment, everything that is meant to be, is. In this moment, you are almost infinitely powerful. In this moment...everything is as it is and it is perfect.

Talk to your baby...and I will talk to mine...and we will forget this madness and hand wringing over the future. We will tell our babies that we are so excited at the possibility of them and feel complete happiness in existing in the now with them. We will think of cute ways to convince them to stay and grow and join on this side of things, we will tell them about their siblings and their fathers and all of the wonderful things about our life that will be a part of theirs, too....and should the worst happen, though it won't, we will feel blessed for the time that we were filled with the magic of new life and we will understand that even though it was a short life....it was meant to be that short, we are learning what we came here to learn...and we are doing our work well.

It's gonna be okay, mama....and yes, you ARE special...and your baby is special too....just like the wombat babies and the ant babies and the brand new stars, exploding into being in places we cannot even conceive of. The stars are alive with the same energy which flows through you and me...and most of them cannot conceive of us, either. We are all the same, we are all a part of the same thing...we all matter, very much.
 

thank you for this! i was worrying too and this made me feel better :)

[Annie Mac]

I may not have been worrying for nothing. Waiting for another ultrasound either tomorrow or Monday to see if baby has a heartbeat, plus another beta test to see if it's going up. It's actually exactly where it's supposed to be right now, but I'm cramping & bleeding today. The cervix is closed though, so it's not a completed miscarriage, just a threatened one. From what I've read on Dr. Google, I've got a 50/50 chance. Fingers crossed & please, send me your best sticky baby vibes :)

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac 

I may not have been worrying for nothing. Waiting for another ultrasound either tomorrow or Monday to see if baby has a heartbeat, plus another beta test to see if it's going up. It's actually exactly where it's supposed to be right now, but I'm cramping & bleeding today. The cervix is closed though, so it's not a completed miscarriage, just a threatened one. From what I've read on Dr. Google, I've got a 50/50 chance. Fingers crossed & please, send me your best sticky baby vibes :)

Oh man...I'm so sorry to hear this news...I bled and cramped so heavy with DDs pregnancy. I'm really hoping for an awesome outcome and am stalking this thread for an update.

Totally thinking of you. <3

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma 

Oh man...I'm so sorry to hear this news...I bled and cramped so heavy with DDs pregnancy. I'm really hoping for an awesome outcome and am stalking this thread for an update.

Totally thinking of you. <3

Did you have the cramping and bleeding at the same time? And it still turned out OK? I'm trying not to get my hopes up too far, but maybe there's a chance? 

On the other hand, when I went to the hospital today, I was in rough shape. My BP was quite low and they got me into emerg before anybody else. I had to wait only minutes & they wouldn't let my husband and daughter in until they "stabilized" me. So I had some scary moments in which I thought "just let me get through this in one piece so I'm here for my family" It was really all about ME in that moment, and that pregnancy took a far back seat and made me realize how grateful I am for what I have, how much I love my family and how basically happy I am with my life right now. Still, now that the scary moment is over and I'm quite sure I will survive (I'm sure I was in no REAL danger, but the doctors hustling like that panicked me) I would really like this pregnancy to continue. I think though, if it doesn't, I'm not trying again. As an older woman, I might be putting my health at risk. I never want to go through that again.