You know Annie...you're not alone. I keep trying to convince myself that my gut is telling me this baby isn't going to happen.
I think it is because it was such a shock...and we had to do so much processing to wrap our heads around not being done after all. I cried, ACTUALLY cried, about being pregnant with this baby. Looking back now, I can see that the way I found out (told by a nurse, in the doctors office, where I went because I was convinced I was dying) felt really traumatic and that, duh, it had so much to do with hormones and being hit with really emotional news and knowing that my husband was going to be really stressed....but it doesn't matter, because now my own wicked brain has turned against me and I find myself being so negative with myself about this whole thing and feeling guilty about the way I reacted.
I get nervous and think "I just don't see this happening, my gut is telling me this baby won't stick around" - and when I try and talk myself down from that panicky feeling, this ugly voice just says even WORSE things. "It happens all the time, yeah, your uterus is growing....it could still be a missed miscarriage" - it's baffling to me. I never speak to myself so negatively, I'm always soothing with myself when I'm nervous or upset.
I'm usually such a strong minded person. I can talk myself straight, I am very positive within myself and I'm a HUGELY optimistic person. So none of this fits for me.....which is why I think it is hormonally based. My hormones have been SO strong this time....with my DDs pregnancy, I was so happy and filled with a deep sense of peace and well being. With DSs I was much more tired, but also knew everything was good, trusted that my body was doing a good job, etc. This time, I have none of that. This time, I feel like my body is tricking me...I feel like I'm going to go in for my first appointment with my MW to have her say she can't get a heartbeat and that I'm going to go for an ultraound and that they'll be like "yeah, your baby died shortly after your first ultrasound" (that my Drs office did to rule out an ectopic)...it's this reoccurring nightmarish feeling I have that I am going to find out that all this time I've been soothing myself and trying to comfort myself by talking to my baby, etc is all going to feel so foolish and stupid when I find out that I've had a dead baby inside of me this whole time.
:( :( I just keep telling msyelf it's hormonal. My hormones this time have given me this weird depressed feeling...I just feel overwhelmed with feelings of doom. I'm trying really hard to fight through it, be gentle with myself, stay AWAY from the google search bar and just trust....but it's really hard.
Just today, I swear I felt movement. It was that little feeling...that light, light brush of a feeling...like a finger dragging across the inside of me...but I don't trust my own mind. So, now I feel like I'm just feeling things because I so desperately want this baby to be now. Because I told everyone and my whole family has rallied around us to help us see that even though this wasn't the plan, it's going to be great....I feel like I'm going to lose this baby and be devastated and everyone will be like "Well, it's not like you were trying anyway, right?" - and I'll just be crushed. I can hear them saying it, see their faces in my head. My dreams are weird and bad. Everything is just weird and bad for me right now and I KNOW it's in my head because my life is SO great and perfect, my kids are so excited about our "tummy baby" my husband has actually come around and is planning with me....
I still have my crazy aversions
my m/s is getting better all the time
my boobs are slightly sore
my hormones feel like they are raging so bad
my headaches are intense
my sleep is bad but my dreams are vivid
my uterus is growing
These are the things I'm hanging on to. These are the things I remind myself of. But most of these things are things I have been experiencing normally over the last three years, just because of raising some wild kids. Sometimes, I forget I'm pregnant...because I don't feel pregnant the way I did with my other two. I just feel shitty and tired.
Take care of yourself Annie....try to remember how powerful hormones can be. All of our mind and body is ruled by hormones....being hormonal doesn't just mean being weepy or being angry....it can mean your whole outlook is changed. It can mean getting crazy thoughts, fears, etc stuck in your head and really believing them, really being unable to shake them. Be gentle. Step away from the google....my appointment is on November 22nd....yours is only a couple of days after that. We're going to make it to those appointments together and we're both going to find out that our babies are just fine.
Connect with your little spirit baby....talk to her/him and tell her/him how worried you are...I swear, if you try, it will help, even if only a little bit. Don't let your mind tell you not to connect, don't let it tell you to resist forming an attachment to "something that is going to leave you" - even if the worst came true...this babys little spirit DOES exist...you know? Jsut say hi to it, tell it that Nov 24th feels like a long ways off and that you need help making it. I'm here for you. I get what you're going through. I swear it's hormones, because this is not the kind of chick I am....I don't get stuck on morbid and negative thoughts like this.