What to respond to "spoiled, bad baby" comments?

[E m i c h i e e]

I was planning to ignore them, but I am getting really tired of them. Does anyone have good responses, for both...people liked and people not so liked and just plainly annoying?

My son is almost 3 mths and has been more fussy, probably because of growth spurts, learning new things, and maybe teething (he shows signs). He was always more "fussy", or how I like to say..."more in touch with his needs". His cues never get ignored, not even for a second, but relatives think it is wise to wait until he actually cries, or even to let him cry a bit because he "needs to learn", "it is good for his lungs"... :/

They will advice anything that "shuts the baby up", rather than trying to find other ways to comfort him...When my baby fusses, most of the time he just wants to be held (and rocked) or fed...that easy. I don't want to put him in a swing, rocking chair or some other device, use a paci, or swaddle him and then lay him somewhere.

I keep getting asked if he is a "good baby", and if he sleeps through the night. When I say he wakes every 2-4 hrs, they tell me to put rice cereal in his bottle. I say "what bottle, he never had one", and they say "OMG are you 'still' breastfeeding?!!

I'm not a parenting expert, but I base it on my instincts and that is not giving him what he wants.

They make it seem like he is only fussy because we don't do this, or don't do that, and some say he is already spoiled (at 3mths, yeah right...<_<) and that he will always be a brat.

Some feel almost offended if he does not want them, they will still get in his face, yelling stupid baby talk at him when he is sleepy and I am rocking him to sleep, try to take him out of my arms unasked. Saying how he is "such a grouch" when he screams.

Even my side of the family, who is usually more open and trusts my choices is thinking he will soon be old enough to sleep in his own bed (he can tell me when he wants to stop when he is older..so not very soon), and my mom keeps mentioning how it is not necessary to nurse longer than 3 months (I hope to go past a year, and then we will see). My mom stopped nursing after 4 months because she lost too much weight and a doctor advised her to stop, and since I am also struggling to keep my weight up she is worried ( I am doing 'okay' by eating a high fat and high calorie diet though, pretty stable atm)

Anyhow, long story short - these things can get me pretty mad...when he is a bad baby in their eyes, and they criticize my parenting.

How do you handle situations like that? I'm not very good at this, I would probably sound rude, and I can't be like that with my husbands relatives.

[Krystal323]

You will need to step up and make sure that both your family and your husband's family knows where the boundaries are, even moreso as your babe gets older.  What'll it be like once your son is old enough to hear the criticism himself, or for them to interact with him directly in a negative way?  If you feel like you can't do it, then DH needs to step up--but really, I advise finding your voice soon and assertively!

You might just be following intuition, but there's a wealth of knowledge and research that backs you up in what you're doing.  Weight issues are no reason to stop breastfeeding, especially before the first year is up--your local La Leche League can tell you that much and a lot more.  As for cereal in the bottle, oh c'mon...what decade are we in now??  Any pedi would say that was bad, esp. at 3 months old!  As for ppl snatching him out of your arms--especially when he's fussy--I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that this is your child and you are parenting him, and basically to step off. 

Your family needs to realize that YOU have your own family now, that this isnt' their baby, and that they don't get to tell you how to raise him, not even a little bit.  New parents need space, and their families often try to interfere instead of letting them learn on their own.  Follow your instincts, and stand your ground, mama.  No need to even justify your choices--you know what you're doing and it's your baby.  GL!

[LittleBirdy]

The PP is right on, my only addition is: lies of omission are your friend.  Especially when it comes to sleep.  "Is he sleeping through the night?" "He's doing really well!"  (Which is true; for a 3 month old waking every 2 to 4 hours is very well indeed.)  It took me probably the whole first year to really learn this well.  Keep your answers short, to the point, and don't volunteer any more information than you have to - you don't have to justify your parenting choices to anyone.  "Are you STILL breastfeeding?!" "Yes." "When are you going to stop?" "I don't know yet." If they persist after that, change the subject.

[whozeyermamma]

Some great advice so far!

I think that I try to tailor my responses depending on the audience - some people it's sarcasm "Oh yeah, you're right, I should put him down more often, he should be going off to find a job by now ..."

Or incredulity; "Why would I want to stop breastfeeding when it is so good for my health and my baby's?"

(I also love the Ann Landers staple: Why do you ask? They say; Are you still breastfeeding? Why do you ask?

Or just simply "Oh we don't do cry it out techniques." end of story, no explanation.

When my LO's were/are fussy I'd find myself talking to the baby in a way that is soothing to the wee and sends a message to the other jackhole adults around me too, saying things like "I know, sweet little one, it's so hard to be a baby, you're growing like crazy and you're tired  ..."

I do find it incredibly annoying this "good baby" "bad baby" thing. My first response when I saw your subject heading was to say "Tell them to go F*ck themselves." The idea that anyone would try to take your crying baby out of your arms is totally out of line.

And for the record, you sound like an awesome mom who is responding to her baby in the best, most amazing way.

[Just1More]

I finally learned to make it about *me*, instead of about the baby. 

Yes, I hold her all the time...she'll be little for only a short while.

Yes, I am still nursing...haven't you read the stuff about anti-cancer benefits?

Yes, she sleeps with us...I just can't take the crying, and I get so tired.

No, you can't hold him...I just really need to right now.

My favorite line is, "Im uncomfortable with that.  Let's talk about it again in a few months and see how I feel then.  This new mom stuff is tough, and I'd like to take it slow."

People thought I was a sniveling whimp and baby hogger, but it got the projection off my baby, and to an adult (myself) who could stick up for my own needs.  And, people usually are just desperately wanting to help a new mama with the baby.  So, give them things they can help with (your emotional state and needs...which requires backing off). :)

[MsDolphin]

Originally Posted by Just1More 

I finally learned to make it about *me*, instead of about the baby. 

Yes, I hold her all the time...she'll be little for only a short while.

Agree!

I was (probably still am) accused of spoiling/babying DS by carrying him too much. My typical response is "yup, he's my only one and he won't be a baby for long, I am going to hold him as much as I can now".

[BabySmurf]

these are all really great responses! i would really advise you to do a little back research on your choices, just so you have some basic info on hand if people question you further.  for me it gets harder as LO gets older, and having solid reasons behind my parenting choices (even though "because i said so" should be enough!). 

i didn't want my LO to learn that he had to cry to get my attention in the first place was my reasoning for being really attentive. 

the other thing to consider though, is that they may be giving you what they believe is good advice.  my mom tries to tell me things because she thinks that i need to hear it so that i can give myself "permission to fail".  a lot of the "let them cry, it's good for their lungs!" advice i think is so that parents didn't feel guilty if they needed a break. (think of how much parents of past generations used to hear their LO's cry just in terms of scheduling a four hour feeding schedule!).   

in terms of people asking if DS sleeps through the night, i go back and forth between lies of omission and saying "of course not!" depending on who the audience is...sometimes people want to comiserate and are too embarrassed to be the first to admit that their kids don't sleep.  at first i was really defensive about my DS being a so called "bad baby", but I realized that a lot of people are lying about most things and are looking to find someone else in the same position.  i know this won't really work with older relatives, but just something to keep in mind.

you are doing a great job mamma!!! congrats!

[MsDolphin]

Originally Posted by BabySmurf 

in terms of people asking if DS sleeps through the night ... saying "of course not!"

I love this response. LOL

[ZippyGirl]

Originally Posted by LittleBirdy 

The PP is right on, my only addition is: lies of omission are your friend.  Especially when it comes to sleep.  "Is he sleeping through the night?" "He's doing really well!"  (Which is true; for a 3 month old waking every 2 to 4 hours is very well indeed.)  It took me probably the whole first year to really learn this well.  Keep your answers short, to the point, and don't volunteer any more information than you have to - you don't have to justify your parenting choices to anyone.  "Are you STILL breastfeeding?!" "Yes." "When are you going to stop?" "I don't know yet." If they persist after that, change the subject.

And sometimes turn their question into a question:  "Oh, yes, vaccinations.  What an interesting subject!  What did you decide to do?"  Often, people want to be the ones talking (that is why they may try to entrap you with a sensitive parenting question), so let them! 

My first is five years old and I have another one due any time now.  I totally agree with the above poster.  It is exhausting to try to explain everything and defend parenting choices -- not to mention off-putting to some people who feel guilty, criticized, whatever *their* issue may be.  Just not worth it sometimes.  Pick your battles, try to be compassionate toward those who are "critical" (they often feel really guilty about the parenting decisions they made), and reserve your energy for what is most important:  raising your baby with love.  Have confidence in yourself, and then it will not bother you if people make comments or question you. 
 

[erigeron]

I'm with the "oh, yeah, he's doing fine" camp. "Is he sleeping well?" "Oh, yeah, he's doing great." No need to elicit their definition of "great" and explain yours. Or the "when we're ready" response to when you're going to quit breastfeeding/put him in his own bed/whatever.

[bananabee]

I'm with the " "Tell them to go F*ck themselves." camp, but only with my immediate family. Not with anyone else. But that is because they tell me "you never listen to anyone!!" when I have simply stated I already have a plan in place for X, Y, or Z. 

Ex: My mom asks with concern, "Where are her socks?"

Me, "She doesn't need socks. They just fall off and get lost. Let's go."

My mom, "But she should have socks." And next to her, my sister asks,"Yeah, where ARE her SOCKS?"

Me, "Oh, it's okay. I've got something else to keep her warm."

My grandma is standing next to both of them, and has heard the entire conversation. "Where are her socks!!?"

Me, "We've lived in freezing temps back home. I think I can keep my baby warm in San Diego!! Thanks!!"

Now I'm pissed. I just walk out the door. When it gets cold later at the event, I whip out her super warm zip up with enclosed feet, hands, and hood. And mind you, I wasn't just pissed about the socks. It was the spoons, the way I strapped her into a high chair with my sling since they didn't have a belt for it. "That's not going to work! She's going to slip out and fall! It doesn't have the thingy there to hold her in." Of course, by the time I was done, she was marvelously secure and they clammed up. It was how at 6 mos I wasn't allowing her brain to develop by feeding her APPLESAUCE. It was pure insanity. The things people say when they are so out of line, they can't go back. Ridiculous.

But that's just me. My mom said, "You never listen!!" I said, "No, it's YOU who never listens. I offer a suggestion to YOU, and you say you're not interested, and I leave it alone. YOU OFFER INSANE ADVICE, and I decline it politely two or three times before I get irritated and ask you to back off." She replied "Well, when you say 'back off' it sounds like you mean..." "F*** OFF!!" "Yes!" "THAT'S BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!! DING DING DING!! See how polite I am? If I really didn't listen, you wouldn't be able to tell me that."

ETA: asterisks Sorry. I get carried away when I remember the insanity of the moment. 

Edited by bananabee - 11/12/11 at 7:41pm

[E m i c h i e e]

Thank you!

Those are some good responses. I will remember some of the phrases and try to use them. 

Quote:

You will need to step up and make sure that both your family and your husband's family knows where the boundaries are, even moreso as your babe gets older.  What'll it be like once your son is old enough to hear the criticism himself, or for them to interact with him directly in a negative way?  If you feel like you can't do it, then DH needs to step up--but really, I advise finding your voice soon and assertively!

@krystal323

Stepping up is easier said than done. I am usually not the kind of person to be quiet and just back down, however...we have been living with my inlaws because we will move overseas in December, and my husband has warned me they will take it as very rude.

His family has this mentality, they are very stubborn and get offended easily...like they are allowed to say anything they want, but if you talk back you're through.

My family on the other hand is open to discussions, and that's how we usually solve things. With reasoning. I feel with my inlawsI have to be a bit more tricky.

[E m i c h i e e]

Originally Posted by whozeyermamma 

Some great advice so far!

I think that I try to tailor my responses depending on the audience - some people it's sarcasm "Oh yeah, you're right, I should put him down more often, he should be going off to find a job by now ..."

Or incredulity; "Why would I want to stop breastfeeding when it is so good for my health and my baby's?"

(I also love the Ann Landers staple: Why do you ask? They say; Are you still breastfeeding? Why do you ask?

Or just simply "Oh we don't do cry it out techniques." end of story, no explanation.

When my LO's were/are fussy I'd find myself talking to the baby in a way that is soothing to the wee and sends a message to the other jackhole adults around me too, saying things like "I know, sweet little one, it's so hard to be a baby, you're growing like crazy and you're tired  ..."

I do find it incredibly annoying this "good baby" "bad baby" thing. My first response when I saw your subject heading was to say "Tell them to go F*ck themselves." The idea that anyone would try to take your crying baby out of your arms is totally out of line.

And for the record, you sound like an awesome mom who is responding to her baby in the best, most amazing way.

Thank you!

I love your ideas! Will try that for sure. The first one made me laugh. 

When they try to take him from me he is usually calm because I am holding him but sleepy or grouchy and I am working on comforting him or rocking him to sleep. I don't know why people don't let sleepy babies sleep...like 'oh well he can sleep later'....but he is on a schedule and gets grouchy if he misses his nap and has a hard time napping later.

Originally Posted by Just1More 

I finally learned to make it about *me*, instead of about the baby. 

Yes, I hold her all the time...she'll be little for only a short while.

Yes, I am still nursing...haven't you read the stuff about anti-cancer benefits?

Yes, she sleeps with us...I just can't take the crying, and I get so tired.

No, you can't hold him...I just really need to right now.

My favorite line is, "Im uncomfortable with that.  Let's talk about it again in a few months and see how I feel then.  This new mom stuff is tough, and I'd like to take it slow."

People thought I was a sniveling whimp and baby hogger, but it got the projection off my baby, and to an adult (myself) who could stick up for my own needs.  And, people usually are just desperately wanting to help a new mama with the baby.  So, give them things they can help with (your emotional state and needs...which requires backing off). :)

Responding like this I am afraid of hearing a lot of "I told you so.." or "being a mom is tough, get over it", "we all had to do it"...we have already gotten reactions like this before. Especially when I was pregnant and has MS 24/7....everyone thought I was just being weak, which is stupid because I still walked hours to get groceries at 42 weeks without a problem, but people focus on weak moments.

Originally Posted by BabySmurf 

these are all really great responses! i would really advise you to do a little back research on your choices, just so you have some basic info on hand if people question you further.  for me it gets harder as LO gets older, and having solid reasons behind my parenting choices (even though "because i said so" should be enough!). 

i didn't want my LO to learn that he had to cry to get my attention in the first place was my reasoning for being really attentive. 

the other thing to consider though, is that they may be giving you what they believe is good advice.  my mom tries to tell me things because she thinks that i need to hear it so that i can give myself "permission to fail".  a lot of the "let them cry, it's good for their lungs!" advice i think is so that parents didn't feel guilty if they needed a break. (think of how much parents of past generations used to hear their LO's cry just in terms of scheduling a four hour feeding schedule!).   

in terms of people asking if DS sleeps through the night, i go back and forth between lies of omission and saying "of course not!" depending on who the audience is...sometimes people want to comiserate and are too embarrassed to be the first to admit that their kids don't sleep.  at first i was really defensive about my DS being a so called "bad baby", but I realized that a lot of people are lying about most things and are looking to find someone else in the same position.  i know this won't really work with older relatives, but just something to keep in mind.

you are doing a great job mamma!!! congrats!

Oh, by now most things I have researched. We did a lot of research on things like cloth diapers, vaccines and circumcision, but other things like bed sharing and the way we respond we just did naturally and later found out the whole thing is called attachment parenting. :)    

When I held my newborn son in the hospital I thought " I can't put him in this cold plastic bassinet all by himself, he was just in my stomach, he will feel awful. When he cries, there is no way I could just let him cry, I don't want him to be unhappy ever, the methods of the old days seem so cruel, and I feel many parents have lost touch with their parenting instincts and have just been following mainstream advice for decades...     

[E m i c h i e e]

Originally Posted by ZippyGirl 

And sometimes turn their question into a question:  "Oh, yes, vaccinations.  What an interesting subject!  What did you decide to do?"  Often, people want to be the ones talking (that is why they may try to entrap you with a sensitive parenting question), so let them! 

My first is five years old and I have another one due any time now.  I totally agree with the above poster.  It is exhausting to try to explain everything and defend parenting choices -- not to mention off-putting to some people who feel guilty, criticized, whatever *their* issue may be.  Just not worth it sometimes.  Pick your battles, try to be compassionate toward those who are "critical" (they often feel really guilty about the parenting decisions they made), and reserve your energy for what is most important:  raising your baby with love.  Have confidence in yourself, and then it will not bother you if people make comments or question you. 
 

Yeah, that's good, I will ask more questions. We decided not to vaccinate, some family took it well, but some think it is just plain crazy.

And true, a lot of the time I just don't feel like explaining it or even arguing and I just try to brush them off.

Originally Posted by erigeron 

I'm with the "oh, yeah, he's doing fine" camp. "Is he sleeping well?" "Oh, yeah, he's doing great." No need to elicit their definition of "great" and explain yours. Or the "when we're ready" response to when you're going to quit breastfeeding/put him in his own bed/whatever.

That's true, and I have said things like this. But a few times I added "yes he sleeps great, wakes every 2-4hrs to nurse just like a little clock and goes right back to sleep" ;) Or I casually tell people how happy he woke up next to me this morning, as if every parent sleeps with their child, and then act surprised if they find it unusual.

Originally Posted by bananabee 

I'm with the " "Tell them to go F*ck themselves." camp, but only with my immediate family. Not with anyone else. But that is because they tell me "you never listen to anyone!!" when I have simply stated I already have a plan in place for X, Y, or Z. 

Ex: My mom asks with concern, "Where are her socks?"

Me, "She doesn't need socks. They just fall off and get lost. Let's go."

My mom, "But she should have socks." And next to her, my sister asks,"Yeah, where ARE her SOCKS?"

Me, "Oh, it's okay. I've got something else to keep her warm."

My grandma is standing next to both of them, and has heard the entire conversation. "Where are her socks!!?"

Me, "We've lived in freezing temps back home. I think I can keep my baby warm in San Diego!! Thanks!!"

Now I'm pissed. I just walk out the door. When it gets cold later at the event, I whip out her super warm zip up with enclosed feet, hands, and hood. And mind you, I wasn't just pissed about the socks. It was the spoons, the way I strapped her into a high chair with my sling since they didn't have a belt for it. "That's not going to work! She's going to slip out and fall! It doesn't have the thingy there to hold her in." Of course, by the time I was done, she was marvelously secure and they clammed up. It was how at 6 mos I wasn't allowing her brain to develop by feeding her APPLESAUCE. It was pure insanity. The things people say when they are so out of line, they can't go back. Ridiculous.

But that's just me. My mom said, "You never listen!!" I said, "No, it's YOU who never listens. I offer a suggestion to YOU, and you say you're not interested, and I leave it alone. YOU OFFER INSANE ADVICE, and I decline it politely two or three times before I get irritated and ask you to back off." She replied "Well, when you say 'back off' it sounds like you mean..." "F*** OFF!!" "Yes!" "THAT'S BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!! DING DING DING!! See how polite I am? If I really didn't listen, you wouldn't be able to tell me that."

ETA: asterisks Sorry. I get carried away when I remember the insanity of the moment. 

Sounds a bit like my inlaws hahaha, or rather my MIL, but I can hardly tell her anything. One time she decided to just go ahead and clip my sons nails without telling us, and in the end he had 2 red swollen fingers because she cut it too short. She then tried to bash us for "letting his nails get ingrown"...baby nails don't grow in...too soft. So I explained to her, told her she cut it too short, and said next time WE will do in with good light.

[BabySmurf]

Originally Posted by E m i c h i e e 

Oh, by now most things I have researched. We did a lot of research on things like cloth diapers, vaccines and circumcision, but other things like bed sharing and the way we respond we just did naturally and later found out the whole thing is called attachment parenting. :)    

that's what it was like for us too - i just know it helped me lot to have something to talk about other than what "I" thought vs "them". 

When I held my newborn son in the hospital I thought " I can't put him in this cold plastic bassinet all by himself, he was just in my stomach, he will feel awful. When he cries, there is no way I could just let him cry, I don't want him to be unhappy ever, the methods of the old days seem so cruel, and I feel many parents have lost touch with their parenting instincts and have just been following mainstream advice for decades...     

I agree completely with the fact that people forget what it's really like caring for a tiny baby - i think my memory is even foggy about how hard it really was when DS was a few months old, and he's only a year just now! And a lot of people really did raise their children differently...it's hard to tell them that you don't want their advice without insulting their methods - especially when "their kids all turned out great". many times i just thank them for their input and then continue to do things my way.  the hardest thing will be when they want to watch LO and you need to decide what terms you feel comfortable with, and judge whether or not you feel comfortable with their methods enough to leave LO....and how will you defend your choice if you decide that you don't want to leave LO with them.  Being a parent is hard! And navigating the territory and the personalities that go along with it can be next to impossible.  I think the best thing to do is pick your battles - you can't control everything they do, and it's okay for LO to experience different people, but you need to draw the line on issues that are really important.  (i'm writing that out just as much for me as i am for you, lol). 

I hope things get easier!!

[Asiago]

You sound like a excellent mother. I've read some interesting books lately and you may feel that your child rearing practices are in the minority, but most of the world parents the way you do. They do not wait until a baby cries to feed it (even the AAP says that's a late feeding cue). Most of the world sleeps with thier babies and carries them also, babies spend much more time in close proximity to mom. You are very much parenting the way humans have for most of existence and even today, in the way most of the world does. Where as modern Western culture style parenting tends to value early independance, even at the expense of the child's needs being met.

The first year of motherhood was shocking to me. I was ready for the demands of motherhood, not the flood of comments, some silly, others rude or insulting.

I realize that you have very little time to read but if you ever do, reading any of these books will help explain the origin of many of these comments.

Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent

Meredith Small

 

Mother's Milk: Breastfeeding Controversies in American Culture 

Bernice L. Hausman

 

Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives 

Katherine Dettwyler, Patricia Stuart-Macadam

 

The Vital Touch: How Intimate Contact With Your Baby Leads To Happier, Healthier Development

Sharon Heller

[tooraloora]

When DS was littler, I mostly went with some variation of "This is what works for us," and eventually people started realizing that I'm pretty set in how I want to raise my kids and backed off. Standing firm and being consistent went a long way. My social circle is pretty small these days, and everyone is pretty well accustomed to how I do things. When I do get comments now from people who know me, lately I've been going with "I see your point, but I'm a dirty hippie bent on raising up mini hippies. If I did things your way, they might end up as republicans and my master plan would be foiled." That usually results in a chuckle, a shaking head, and a change of subject.

[Krystal323]

Originally Posted by E m i c h i e e 

Stepping up is easier said than done. I am usually not the kind of person to be quiet and just back down, however...we have been living with my inlaws because we will move overseas in December, and my husband has warned me they will take it as very rude.

His family has this mentality, they are very stubborn and get offended easily...like they are allowed to say anything they want, but if you talk back you're through.

My family on the other hand is open to discussions, and that's how we usually solve things. With reasoning. I feel with my inlawsI have to be a bit more tricky.

Oh, yes, it is more tricky when you're living in their house and you feel indebted to them--but still, you've got to stand your ground as politely and firmly as possible, IMO.  Just cause they're helping you guys out doesn't mean they get to undermine your parenting, yk?  I've been there before too--but I still think it's essential to assert your independence as a parent.  You might be on hard times right now, but you're not less of a human being because of it, and you shouldn't defer to them when they're treating you and your child badly.  

I know someone who lives with her family, and she allows them to treat both her and her child as children.  They'll treat her kiddo badly, the child asks why, and she actually tells him that it doesn't matter--he has to be nice to them because they're so nice to let them live there.  I will never allow myself to become that dis-empowered, regardless of circumstances.  

You're only there til December, which is great--but why set a precedent allowing them to bulldoze your parenting whenever they see you?  You said "If you talk back, you're through"--what does that even mean?  They might have a temper tantrum, but what would they really do?  Kick you out?  I surely hope they're not that petty--in which case, I hope December comes really fast for you guys!  =(  So sorry that you're dealing with this right now =(
 

[Honey693]

I really struggled with this with my first, but I gave up caring with DD2.  Now I just smile and say "yup, she's awful, guess you don't want to hold her" with a huge grin while I snuggle her.

[branditopolis]

i think the only thing i can do is resort to sarcasm.

i moved in with my mother right before i delivered my DS (first and last) thinking my mother would have some good insight into parenting.  I couldnt have been more wrong!  besides crying it out, she tries to tell me i hold him too much, i dont give him a chance to get used to his bed by letting him scream and sob in it, he should have formula because my milk is somehow inferior,etc.  Finally around my DS's 4th week i snapped at my mother. her feelings were so hurt! and although i think she's completely wrong and batshit crazy and controlling, I don't want to hurt her feelings so now i just make jokes about it when she tries to control my parenting.  ex: "you hold him too much." me:"oh but i love him so so so so much, I want to keep him with me forever!"  usually if i can be silly and make her laugh she'll forget that I'm ignoring her suggestions.  but it's SO FRUSTRATING!!