What to respond to "spoiled, bad baby" comments? - Page 2

[KateDavies45]

Originally Posted by bananabee 

I'm with the " "Tell them to go F*ck themselves." camp, but only with my immediate family. Not with anyone else. But that is because they tell me "you never listen to anyone!!" when I have simply stated I already have a plan in place for X, Y, or Z. 

Ex: My mom asks with concern, "Where are her socks?"

Me, "She doesn't need socks. They just fall off and get lost. Let's go."

My mom, "But she should have socks." And next to her, my sister asks,"Yeah, where ARE her SOCKS?"

Me, "Oh, it's okay. I've got something else to keep her warm."

My grandma is standing next to both of them, and has heard the entire conversation. "Where are her socks!!?"

Me, "We've lived in freezing temps back home. I think I can keep my baby warm in San Diego!! Thanks!!"

Now I'm pissed. I just walk out the door. When it gets cold later at the event, I whip out her super warm zip up with enclosed feet, hands, and hood. And mind you, I wasn't just pissed about the socks. It was the spoons, the way I strapped her into a high chair with my sling since they didn't have a belt for it. "That's not going to work! She's going to slip out and fall! It doesn't have the thingy there to hold her in." Of course, by the time I was done, she was marvelously secure and they clammed up. It was how at 6 mos I wasn't allowing her brain to develop by feeding her APPLESAUCE. It was pure insanity. The things people say when they are so out of line, they can't go back. Ridiculous.

But that's just me. My mom said, "You never listen!!" I said, "No, it's YOU who never listens. I offer a suggestion to YOU, and you say you're not interested, and I leave it alone. YOU OFFER INSANE ADVICE, and I decline it politely two or three times before I get irritated and ask you to back off." She replied "Well, when you say 'back off' it sounds like you mean..." "F*** OFF!!" "Yes!" "THAT'S BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!!! DING DING DING!! See how polite I am? If I really didn't listen, you wouldn't be able to tell me that."

ETA: asterisks Sorry. I get carried away when I remember the insanity of the moment. 

OMG this sounds EXACTLY like my family, on both sides. lol.

I agree with PP about making it about your needs instead of baby. I did that with MIL on co-sleeping. I explained that I was an inherently lazy person. I wanted the best result (i.e. more sleep) with the least effort possible. I was just too lazy and tired to get up to feed her. this way she was right there and didn't even have time to fuss and wake DH before I could pop a boob in her mouth and we could all go back to sleep. She kept insisting that if we let her sleep with us she was going to be in our bed at 6yrs. lol. I just asked why that was a bad thing? Was I supposed to say I wouldn't share with her? Like, no this is MY bed, how dare YOU touch MY bed?! lol. She was like "oh...uh...well...." and that was pretty much the end of that.

You're doing a great job, momma! Keep up the good work and don't let anyone tell you you're not! *hugs*

[akind1]

We live with DH's parents, so I know those sorts of issues!

sleeping through the night: I say - I don't want her too! the  couple 5-6 hour stretches we've had are bad enough for me - we wake up in a puddle of milk and I have rock hard boobs to boot!

other things: this is what works for us - is my go-to line. DD is much more a mama's girl than DS was a mama's boy. If she's absolutely asleep, she doesn't care much who holds her. otherwise she wants me. My mom and DH, and FIL are the best after that. MIL - not so much. I feel we are going to get a lot of the spoiled comments, but oh well. I just tell them that I'm the food and she likes being near it. I breastfed DS for 15 months and when asked about that while we were still nursing, I just said that it's good for him, it's good for me. He eats other food too. (for some reason when people think about extended breastfeeding, they seem to think that ALL they are getting is breastmilk. While it might be most of their food, it usually isn't, no more than a FF baby is only getting formula after 6 months or so)

Also I put it in a cost thing - I said I hoped to never have to buy formula. Nearly everyone can sympathize with that!

the rest of it . . . I like the "why do ask?" - because some people are honestly interested and intrigued by our choices, and some people are offended or think we are doing something "wrong", and it's nice to know the difference - it helps me gear my response.

[Redmom]

Emichiee

The other posters have given great advice.  I just wanted to chime in and say you are doing a wondeful job by being so in tune with your baby's needs.  Follow your own intuition when it comes to being the Mommy you want to be.  As one of the other poster said, there is tons of research to backup that what you are doing is not only good for baby, but very common in most other parts of the world.

One thing I'll say is that if you stand up to your in-laws, you might THINK you are coming across as rude, but to them it might come off that you are standing firm. 

You have a right to set your own boundaries and express yourself assertively.

[bethro]

The best little sound bite to tell people was one I got from my MIL. She said to worry about whether to respond to his cues or not when "his wants and his needs are two different things." As long as his wants and his needs are the same (and at three months, they sure are) then responding to his cues is the right thing to do. And you will know when his wants and needs are different because he will WANT to stick his finger in his electrical socket, or hit the cat, or whatever. Food, sleep, comfort. Those are needs.

Alternatively, a friend of mine gave me this one as a parenting catch-all. Tell them "that's not for me" when they suggest something (like moving to a crib or bottle feeding). It works especially well on strangers.

Finally, I found it really helpful to have a brief but open conversation with my own mother when her anxiety was making me more anxious. I told her that more than her criticism I needed her support. She was perfectly willing to take that direction when I laid it out.

Good luck. If you figure out a secret about how to not get annoyed at parenting advice, let me know. No, write a book. It will be a best seller.

[mamasneedlove]

Those are all such delightful ideas! I loved them so much I am saving them for my LLL group to talk about. :)

Just wanted to add this website:

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/criticism.html

:)

Jen

[Amanda M]

We have a family bed, no vaccines, we don't "cry it out", and I am nursing both my 6 week old and my 26 month old.  I didn't leave my son for more than an hour until he was over a year old.I have run into some pretty judgemental people. I have started telling people that I like to do everything the hardest possible way because I am insane! Usually, they agree so it shuts them up pretty fast. My all time favorite response to "when are you going to stop nursing?" is "when his wife complains!"

Some people just don't get it, because they don't want to get it. Love your baby however you like, and to heck with them!

[ashleyt]

First, I'm doing this from my phone, so I'm sorry if things turn weird after I post it. Second, I don't have much time to read thru all the other responses but want to share what worked for me.

Most importantly, I wholeheartedly support what you are doing and do the same.

I stuck to my guns about every parenting choice I made and got loads of grief in early months, but it didn't take long for family to see that I wasn't listening to them or going to change. Once DS hit ages of crawling and walking, it gave them something else to focus on rather than my *bad* parenting. So it will likely get better.

In the meantime, sarcasm/joking are a great aid if you have it in you, as others have said. "He's still in your bed? When are you going to move him?" reply "Oh, it just depends if the beds at his college are double or single!" When people tried to insist on taking him from me to comfort him, I would quickly say "thank you, but let me get him calmed down first, then I'll pass him off." When my mom offered advice on cereal in bottle or carrying instead of riding in cart, etc., I would simply say "I appreciate that you're wanting to help, but current research actually backs me up and they've found those practices aren't best anymore and this is just the way we've chosen to parent him--I know it may seem wrong or strange to you, but its working for us." Always with a smile and sometimes a wink if it will lighten the moment.

Last major thing I found uber helpful, which I read in "The No-Cry Nap Solution", if there is ever a time you feel pressured to change something, before doing so ask yourself this: Am I doing this because it isn't working for me and/or my baby or family, or am I doing it bc (insert name or title here) is telling me I should?

Keep following your instincts and here's a happy welcome to you for your new membership in our wonderful criticized ap moms club!

[hfitzheather]

My favorite response to "Are you still breastfeeding" is "Oh, I stopped a long time ago...but my son still loves it."

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by bananabee Ex: My mom asks with concern, "Where are her socks?"

Me, "She doesn't need socks. They just fall off and get lost. Let's go."

My mom, "But she should have socks." And next to her, my sister asks,"Yeah, where ARE her SOCKS?"

Me, "Oh, it's okay. I've got something else to keep her warm."

My grandma is standing next to both of them, and has heard the entire conversation. "Where are her socks!!?"

Me, "We've lived in freezing temps back home. I think I can keep my baby warm in San Diego!! Thanks!!"

This whole convo is still justifying your parenting, though-- not necessary! I would have just answered the question asked. Where are the socks? In the sock drawer! Where else?

Originally Posted by KateDavies45 She kept insisting that if we let her sleep with us she was going to be in our bed at 6yrs. lol. I just asked why that was a bad thing?

Right? My ds is nearly 11yo. We coslept exclusively, as in, he didn't even have a bed of his own, till he was 7. No, wait-- at 4 he did have a bed of his own, but he never slept in it.

He still occasionally sleeps with me. Not much though, because he's WAY too squirmy.

Kathryn Dettweiler is a *wonderful* resource, btw.

Originally Posted by hfitzheather My favorite response to "Are you still breastfeeding" is "Oh, I stopped a long time ago...but my son still loves it."

We nursed for YEARS and years. Nothing wrong with it. Kathryn Dettwieler has a bell curve and most kids wean themselves around 4-1/2-ish, but the high end of her curve is, I think, 10yo!

I only have the one child. It took me a long time to NOT justify everything I did or said. I had all this research to back up my choices, but none of it would shut people up. I was just painting myself into corners. Of all people, my own mother was the worst. I did NOT expect that. Finally I just had to say "Mom, I know I parent differently than you did. It is not a statement on how you parented me. I think you did a wonderful job. But now it's my turn and we do it different. It's not a reflection on you at all." And also mostly "This is what works for our family, please pass the bean dip" mostly turned the conversation, no matter who it was with

[mamazakka]

One of the great pieces of advice I received somewhere along my parenting journey was to wear the baby, 

all the time, but especially around people who might ask to touch or hold the baby and you don't want them to.  When my baby is in a carrier, it seems to send the non-verbal message 'hands off' quite well, without me having to verbalize it, which is quite nice.  Plus, baby rarely cries or fusses in the carrier so people can say all the silly stuff they want, like "Oh what a 'good' baby!" 

My favorite carrier for a 3+ month old is the Ergo - baby faces in, toward you and therefore is less tempting for others to interact with, plus it's quite comfortable, the way the hip belt distributes to baby's weight AND it snaps on and off easily.  

But wow - I can totally relate.  We just had our 6th baby, at home, (a first for us) with a doula and midwife.  Happily, a lot of people NOW assume I probably 'know' what I'm doing (or at least think that I am set in my ways by now and so they don't often offer unasked for advice) but I did get lots of family and friends questioning my choices from the politely skeptical; "Oh, congratulations! I don't know how you do it - two was my limit, I could never have handled six!", to the politely fearful; "Boy are you BRAVE, not going to the hospital!" to the outright rude "Wow, you two are like rabbits." (Thanks Mom.) Oh well.  

(BTW, in my experience, it was braver to go to the hospital, because you have to really fight for what you want there, and I told her so).

I think speaking up for yourself is important.  It might not be a quick one-liner response, maybe it's a whole conversation -  and maybe you even need to get mad and explain your choices.  But it's worth it cause that'll teach them to question you!

Aside from my experiences in having 6 kids, I have read tons on these subjects of birth and breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby wearing, so I feel pretty feel well-informed, and I have been known to lecture ad infinitum whoever is questioning my choices(!) - and by now, most of my family and friends accept me as a 'militant' breastfeeding, co-sleeping mom (and so maybe they even fear me a little! Well, good. So far it's working for me! :)  

I have a shelf of books, plus a collection of back-issues of mothering magazines too, and readily offer up articles for them to read as well (works really well to have sources for backing-up my 'opinions', plus, no-one else really wants to do "research", but even just offering the material lends credibilty to my claims. 

My kids all breastfeed till they self-wean, which for us is about 2 1/2 yrs.  We co-sleep till they spin like compasses and kick their dad and me in their sleep and then we move them into a small crib (a porta crib with an organic latex mattress) that is still in our room - generally for us this 'needs' to happen at about 16-18 months (still breastfeeding, still having their needs met, we still respond right away to cries, etc).  And each child has totally shocked me by sleeping 'better', sleeping through the night, and no longer so restlessly.  Based on everything I've read and experienced, these things (extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, responsiveness, etc) all make sense instinctually and do NOT spoil the baby at all, but give the baby/child security and faith in it's parents.

These things may be the opposite of what our own parents did, and their parents before them - and maybe they feel a lot of guilt and jealousy, seeing you breastfeed and hold your baby.  I know many parents were afraid of 'spoiling' their kids and were well warned of the dangers of holding the baby 'too much' and so they fought against their own instincts to obey their pediatrician and now, looks like maybe that was a mistake and they missed out?! 

My mom was a La Leche mom, but she still started me on rice cereal at 3 months because her Ped told her to.  She has great faith in doctors.  So, for her, I might claim the 'pediatrician said so'.  As in "Oh. Our pediatrician says never feed them applesauce till they are 6 months old or older." even if I've never discussed it even once with him because actually he is an early-weaning-advocate and cans-of-formula-pushing old-timer.  (He's great with sick kids, and he's quite experienced, but he is also set in his ways. Oh well.  I'm the mom-who-Googles, and reads Mothering Mag et all and I'm going to do what I think is best).  

And YOU're the mom!  You need to do what YOU think is best with your baby and go ahead and defend yourself and your decisions(!).  I think doing so will empower you, and maybe even inspire others to re-think what they think.  But also try to remember, you may also be innocently 'attacking' how other mothers fed/took care of their babies, and their choices were based on their best knowledge at the time, so be gentle.  

[mamazakka]

Originally Posted by E m i c h i e e 

Sounds a bit like my inlaws hahaha, or rather my MIL, but I can hardly tell her anything. One time she decided to just go ahead and clip my sons nails without telling us, and in the end he had 2 red swollen fingers because she cut it too short. She then tried to bash us for "letting his nails get ingrown"...baby nails don't grow in...too soft. So I explained to her, told her she cut it too short, and said next time WE will do in with good light.

Oh my gosh.  That is INSANE!  She has no right to cut your baby's fingernails, in my opinion!!!  My long-time friend cut her own newborn's fingernails and her baby ended up on antibiotics at 5 dys old, because she used an old fingernail cutter and gave her newborn an infection on just about every fingertip.  My friend was devastated, but at least she had no one to blame but herself.  If my MIL cut my babies fingernails I'd consider that completely inappropriate and FREAK OUT.  

Another reason to wear the baby constantly! That way no one can come at her with sharp instruments without my knowledge and consent!  

[Camille2433]

"Is she a good baby"!!??, the first time I heard it I had no idea what the person was talking about. I thought they might be asking if she eats, sleeps, and has regular bodily functions every day. In which case , the answer is YES. Every baby has a different version of good. If they haven't had a baby in a while, and they are close family try sharing some current parenting resources with them that you rely on, they may just be out of touch (with boundaries!). Maybe Emily Post's Etiquette (the 2012 version). Surround yourself as much as possible with other parents who share your values and can support you. My daughter was not the kind of baby who just sat there and watched the world go by..she wanted to be up, being held and participating, now she is a preschooler who also wants to be out there having fun and moving. Also a good idea as ZippyGirl says, try turning it back onto them; most people love to talk about themselves. You are doing a great job responding to your son’s needs, and don't stop breastfeeding until both you and your son are ready! Can you ask someone in authority (according to your family) like a doctor or counselor to back you up? Sometimes that will fix a pesky problem like parenting interference.

[CostillaMommy]

I sooo know where you are coming from. I just found refuge in my husband and we kind of "biateched" I mean complained together. I did all sorts of things and all of them kind of made me feel like crap- like I was just like them. So, I just laughed and smiled and shook my head. I changed the subject. I blocked them from grabbing my baby. I took the criticisms in order to give my baby peace. Then, I just kind of stared a family member down to shame after she felt the need to not stop criticizing. Mostly I just stood strong, smiled while I said things like, "Wow, your way sounds so easy". Laughed nicely and moved on. Grab hold of your internal peace as much as possible and let your husband to continue to be on your side and fight some battles for you. You're a great mama. Congratulations!

[gtnme]

Question, Is this your first child?

I went through the exact same thing with my son. His fathers family came HOME with me the day I brought him home and I didnt get to have that one on one bonding time like I had planned. I ended up locking us in a room for a feeding and snuggling and snoozing session. hehe. I know that this is very difficult, however it gets better. It did for me anyhow. It took me some time but I spoke up about things that bothered me. My son slept on my chest with me until he was 6 weeks old in which people said "He will never sleep on his own" or "he will always be spoiled if you get up and cater to him" Not everyone knows everything.. my son started sleeping through the night on his very own in his own crib in his own room at 6+ weeks old. Never has slept with me since or had the desire to. I try to snuggle with him for naps and he likes to be on his own. Also every child and mother are different. I too felt that it was my job to comfort my new baby. I have however learned when to jump up and when not to. I have learned when a cry is because he needs me, or is just tired and cant stand anyone not even himself, or when he is hungry or needs something. Mothers know their childs cry's and what each individual ones mean. Follow your insticts and go with what you know and you feel. You will learn new things from forums like these and through trial and error. Never be afraid to do what you think is right for your child.

I hope everything works out for you. Please let me know if you ever want to talk. Seems like you are going through a lot of what I went through.

Also I found it annoying when people would try to "take over or take control" of my son my newborn, because I wasnt "carrying him" anymore and it was easy for someone to come over and pick him up and detatch him from me. Its hard being a mommy. Hope all works out :)