Thanks, Stevi, for sharing your experience with me. And thank you so much, WaturMama, for the midwife referral.
Sad news at my 2:00 appointment today. This doctor (whom I liked and would see again) did find a gestational sac and a baby in my uterus, but no yolk sac or fetal pole, which she said should be seen by now with my betas as high as they are. Also the sac was larger than it should be and irregularly shaped. And it had debris inside it, apparently because the baby has already died and started to disintegrate. She also saw signs of bleeding in my uterus, a sign of an imminent miscarriage.
I have a D&C scheduled for Tuesday... I'm glad it's not until next week so I can have time to breathe and decide whether to proceed that way or let nature take its course. She said she thought as soon as I stopped taking progesterone (just like in your case, Stevi) and also stopped taking my Chinese herbs, I might miscarry on my own. But she also said it appears my body is really holding on to this pregnancy because my betas are continuing to climb (how is that possible?), so a D&C might be necessary.
One thing that astounded me -- she found the sac immediately by looking at my prior ultrasound films (that other doctors had looked at already). Either 3 doctors did not see the sac, or they saw it and for some bizarre reason chose to withhold the information from me, putting me through the hell of an ectopic scare. She then saw it again (it had grown) on my new ultrasound this afternoon.
I feel pretty numb right now. DH and I only had a moment together after the appointment, then I had to go pick up my DD from school and had to rally. I feel like I just want to sleep. Immediately after the appointment, before this numbness set in, I felt deeply sad but not devastated, definitely hopeful that we can do this again. According to my TCM person, she sees this all the time in her practice... a pregnancy that doesn't stick as the eggs are improving, then within a few months a healthy pregnancy once the eggs have improved enough. So that thought is sustaining me. For the first time, the passage of time seems like a positive thing.
This doctor was very pro-TCM and told me that a colleague of hers (the Ob/Gyn I paid out of pocket to see on Friday) had had her babies at 41 and 44 after seeing my acupuncturist. My acupuncturist is somewhat of a local celebrity, so it seems all the Ob/Gyns know her. I really have faith in her.
On the upside, I was really, really relieved that it's not ectopic (although, strangely enough, that still hasn't been 100% ruled out, as there's a 1 in 30,000 chance I could have both an intrauterine miscarriage and an ectopic). I also feel really, really relieved I don't have to take methotrexate and wait 3 months to try again. It could have been a lot worse.
I felt so connected to this baby, though... I need to find a way to grieve.