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Warm Winter Wishes and BFP's 40 ++ TTC - Page 11

post #201 of 712

Litmama, I love your perspective. I am so grateful for your presence here. I can relate to the sweetness and aliveness of the adventure--even if parts are difficult. Something is happening.


Thank you to all who sent good wishes. AF started right before I left for the RE's office. Argh. But at least I knew what I was dealing with, and I was going to get some info.


The appointment went about as well as could be hoped (except that my brain did get a bit fogged up from all the info and being a bit sad about AF). I like the doctor very much. She was respectful of my knowing of my own body. (Amazing how that is remarkable.) She honored my financial concerns. She has some interesting ideas. Other great news is that what she saw with the ultrasound was very good. I had plenty of ripening eggs. She said about 3 times that it was "abnormal" in a very good way. The uterine lining I'd built up that I was just starting to shed looked good. She's very positive about the length of my cycle. She thinks, like so many others have said, my problem is likely egg quality due to age. But she ordered a bunch of tests, so finally I can find out about the clotting disorders and we'll re-look at FSH and LH (it's been 2 years), thyroid, and vit D. I'm not even sure what else. They took 7 vials of blood. !! 


She wants to look at that data before making any for sure recommendations, but is guessing her recommendation will be for me to take FSH shots. I may need to make some decisions quickly, so I want to start thinking about that. She said that clomid and letrozole only make 1.6 eggs come per month which means many months they don't add anything. She said with the shots I could have 3-4 eggs at once and a better chance of getting a good one. She pointed out that the shots provide FSH directly rather than tricking your brain into creating more. Somehow I like that. I have no idea how much it costs. She said it would depend on my results and we could get more specific with that next week. And she also said that if I'm doing the shots might as well do the IUI. That seems a bit pricey to me when we don't see to have trouble getting pg. Anyway, we'll see. If the shots are too much, I suppose I could do letrozole, because over several months 1.6 is better than 1.


Gumblossom, I don't know if we are having the same tests, but my RE said the ones I was taking (which seemed to cover most everything) could be CD 1-5, not just CD 2-3, and she encouraged me to go today on CD1 (I think just to get things going). So maybe you are fine with either.

post #202 of 712

WaturMama, I just logged on to find out how your RE visit went! I'm so sorry AF came today and that you were feeling down about it ((( hugs ))). But, I'm glad you had a positive-sounding visit with your new RE (how refreshing that she was a woman and respectful of your knowledge of your own body). WOWZA about your "abnormally" abundant follicles! I knew there was something superhuman about your fertility. I'm interested to keep hearing more about your RE's ideas and your thoughts/feelings about this. DH and I did that for 2 cycles about a year ago... the FSH injections, plus IUI. If you're interested, I could tell you a little bit about what our experience was like. 


Gumblossom, I'm so happy to hear you had a good AF! Yay for getting your cycles back on track. I'm in agreement with WaturMama, that any of those first days of your cycle would work fine (as I recall from my own testing). Day 4, it seems like you might have higher levels of some hormones?


amommyTTC, very interesting idea about the vanishing twins thing, thank you for that. You know, when I first saw my gestational sac at 5 weeks (which my RE refused to examine or acknowledge), I did see two little dots inside. I've wondered about that. You mentioned you had a friend who had a vanishing twin... do you know how she knew?


AFM, I saw my TCM doctor today and according to her, I am still pregnant! At least according to my pulse readings. My betas are above 6,000 now, climbing much more slowly but still rising. I canceled my D&C and instead am going in for just an ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm back on Chinese herbs (taking a formula to prevent m/c... I had some cramping today) and progesterone. When I called to cancel the D&C today, I explained my misgivings, and both my Ob/Gyn and her nurses were so compassionate and supportive, it moved me to tears. So different from my RE and his nurses. I'm sure my Ob/Gyn and her nurses believe I'm truly headed for a m/c (and they may be right), but it doesn't matter... it was their kindness that brought me such joy. But my TCM doctor still believes, and I think she's rekindled my hope a little. DH is struggling with the ambiguity, but being super supportive nonetheless.

post #203 of 712

Yes, yay for Gumblossom back to regular period. I'm sorry I forgot to acknowledge that good news. I can imagine that is a relief, and it really seems positive.


That is dear that you checked in on me Litmama. I've been doing the same for you! I would love to hear about your FSH shots/IUI experience. I really want to be ready to make some quick decisions next week.


I'm so glad to hear about your positive experience with your new ob/gyn office and do love the TCM person's opinion. I did not regret laying down for a week last summer, when I thought my pg might be viable. I was glad to know I did what I could. I think no matter what happens you will be too. Those sound like supportive decisions.

post #204 of 712

*Litmama*, I am glad to hear that your betas are still rising. I truly hope your baby is growing in there.


*Waturmama*, it does feel really heartening to actually have a period. I gives me hope that my body is still able. I wonder if the paleo/primal way of eating, or taking DHEA, or perhaps the gallons of nettle tea, have made a difference, or it could be just that it has taken 6 months for my body to get back on track after the miscarriage. My TCM person said she'd give me a strong tuning last time, so maybe that helped? I'm seeing her again this week. Perhaps more tweaking will help cultivate some beautiful eggs and a a lush lining for my baby to grow in.


I've also been doing affirmations from Loise Hay's book, "You can heal your life". Perhaps the combination is helping - I know I'm feeling very healthy.


I had the hormone blood tests done yesterday (day 2-3), as I was able to get an appointment at the after hours clinic. It will be interesting to see what the levels are like. I'll see my doctor on Thursday and hopefully she'll have the results then.


I'm hoping we all have happy news this year.

post #205 of 712

gumblossom, do you have a mama-intuition sense of what it was that made the difference? I'm so glad it brought your spirits up. It's nice to be friends with AF sometimes.


I am having a heavy AF, with other qualities (gushy, watery, clotty) that make me think this was another chem pg. I am exhausted. I hope my test results shed some light on this.

post #206 of 712

Waturmama, I'm sorry to hear that AF has been a tough one for you. Perhaps you did have another chemical? I do hope you have some answers soon.


You know, I feel we have been very patient and have waited long enough - I think it is time to have some answers, and healthy, sticky babies.


As for knowing what made the difference - I'm not sure. I feel that the paleo/primal way of eating must be helping, however, I wasn't faithful to it over the Christmas period. I had a lot more sugar than I usually do. Perhaps it is just time that has helped. I did recently read about a woman whose AF returned 5 years after the menopause when she followed the Paleo diet and lifestyle. Which is pretty amazing, and has me convinced that it is a good idea.

post #207 of 712

Watermama, =-(


Well, it's official here.  AF has arrived.  

post #208 of 712

Sorry to hear about AF Skeemama :-(. 



Litmama, what a rollercoaster! I have been sending you sticky, peaceful vibes. Hope that all turns out well. Glad you found a helpful, understanding OB/GYN at least. The RE made me so mad on your behalf. 


AFM, AF was due on 12/29 or 1/2 depending on which calculator I use. Nothing so far. I haven't and don't want to test. Can't really articulate why though, just seeing a BFN would be depressing and a BFP would be emotionally overwhelming. So if I don't test, I can stay in emotional limbo. I am a scaredy-cat, eh? I did check to see if it's safe to keep taking Vitex and the consensus is that it's fine and can be helpful through the first tri, so even that is OK either way. 


Positive vibes to everyone; let's hope this is a fertile year!

post #209 of 712

Thanks gumblossom and skeemama. Yes, my guess is it was a chemical pregnancy. Though I'm super happy about the news of my egg supply, it is unnerving that so many of them have been inviable. It is weird, but I am really hoping I have the clotting issue.


Sorry AF arrived, skeemama. (((hug)))


Good wishes, miss_sonja! I totally understand about embracing the limbo. It has become a comfortable place. Those BFNs are so disheartening. I also think testing is emotionally overwhelming because the 2 options are so starkly different emotionally. What are the 12/29 and 1/2 dates based on? That sounds promising. Growing stickybabe wishes to you. goodvibes.gif

post #210 of 712

Hello Again Ladies!!


Haven't been on mothering for quite a while.  There was a problem with my password that's finally resolved...thank goodness.  Anyhow, dh and I now have a fairly firm plan of action.  We're ttc until May "naturally."  I'm making an appt with a very good fertility doc just about a mile from home later this week to get all the preliminary stuff, like testing, out of the way.  It looks like since I'm about to turn 47 on Feb. 2 that this might be our only realistic chance of having another child.  My friend, who has gone through the ivf process, spoke to me about embryo adoption recently.  I have a few websites, but need to familiarize myself with how that process if different/similar to egg donation...and the costs involved with each.  We don't have insurance that will pay for any of this so it will be completely out of pocket.  Trying to get a realistic idea of how much to expect and what the chances for successful pregnancy will be as a 47 yo.  Any thoughts...? 


Glad to be back and will catch up as soon as I have some time off work probably next weekend.  smile.gif

post #211 of 712

WaturMama, I'm sorry about the difficult and confusing AF... whenever I've had AF like that, I've also suspected chem pg. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what it was for you, too. I don't blame you for being exhausted! I can well understand the desire to find a clotting disorder, because it would be an explanation and it's a solvable problem. Have you had your thyroid tested as well? Hypothyroid can cause recurrent m/c. In fact, I was having lots of chemicals until I got my thyroid straightened out... the minute I got my level down to where it should be for fertility (between 1 and 2 -- don't let anyone tell you that anything below 5 is normal), I got one that has stuck until now (7 weeks). 


Sorry to hear about AF's arrival, Skeemama ((( hugs )))


Gumblossom, very interesting about your feeling that the paleo diet has made a difference. Do you feel overall healthier eating this way, too?


Miss Sonja, thank you for the sticky, peaceful vibes, I need 'em! I completely understand your desire to remain in limbo -- that can be a peaceful place to be. The minute I got my so-desired BFP, I was a wreck! It's taken me until now to settle into being pregnant (despite all the hoopla). May you find peace in the in-between space, and may you get good news soon.


Nice to see you, lovebeingamommy! It sounds like you have lots to do and think about right now. Sending good vibes your way!


AFM, I got a note from my Ob/Gyn this evening urging me to go ahead and do the D&C on Tuesday. Apparently my climbing betas (now over 8,000 -- which is completely normal for 7 weeks) concern her -- she is now claiming no one has ever seen an intrauterine pregnancy on my sonos, and that she's concerned about an ectopic or molar. I've never felt so schizophrenic in my life -- I was there when she saw my intrauterine pregnancy and told me there was now only a 1 in 30,000 chance that I'd ALSO have an ectopic. My sono and betas are also not consistent with a molar. I guess this is more ass-covering behavior, but I find the whole thing really deeply frustrating, unsetting and upsetting. I'm really angry about it. (So much for my zen! Perhaps I need to step up the meditation). I refuse to go in for a sono on Tuesday, make a decision about a D&C in 30 seconds, have the procedure, and then go pick up my DD from school as if nothing had happened.


And in the midst of this, we are up to our eyeballs in middle school and financial aid applications for DD, that are all due on Tuesday -- and also contemplating a move across the bay to be in a better school district. It's no fun having all of this happening at once.


On a lighter note, I had an interesting hypno session about this... I saw one twin being absorbed back into my body, while the other twin was thriving. I reached into the gestational sac and cleared up all the debris so my living baby could be seen, and then I breastfed him and placed him back into his snug little spot. I hope that was as prophetic as some of my other sessions have been (the last one I had predicted this pregnancy).


Oh, WaturMama, I want to tell you about my FSH/IUI experiences! When do you need to make your decision? Are you planning to start this cycle or next? I can write some more about this tomorrow. Need to finish an application tonight.

post #212 of 712

Wow, Litmama. That is so shocking about Kaiser. That sounds very, very difficult. I am so sorry you are having to deal with that. It makes a lot of sense that you are angry. The quickest way to the other side is straight through. So I say, let yourself express your anger (in a non-destructive way of course, eg state how angry you are to a trusted someone or yourself, whack a pillow, etc.,) with the idea of letting it move on out. I love the vision in your hypno session. It sure makes sense. Good wishes with those apps--you are some tough cookies to be dealing with both. I don't know when I'll need to make a decision about FSH/IUI, but definitely not by tomorrow. Thank you for remembering that request in all this. Thyroid is one of the things I was tested for. Thank you for letting me know about those numbers. Just thinking some more about your situation, I go back to the idea of getting a second opinion from another RE in Kaiser. Maybe going along that accepted, formal route would help you wrest yourself from the crazy REs grasp.


Good to see you, lovbeingamommy!

post #213 of 712

LitMama...   Hang on to that note. After your baby is born you can use it to prove that doctors need to be more careful about jumping for terminations. I hope your little one is snuggling in and giving you lots of comforting symptoms!!!

post #214 of 712

Hang in there, LitMama.  You certainly are going through a difficult series of events.

post #215 of 712


Waturmama, I know those kinds of drugs can be very expensive but also very effective.. One place I found that can help keep costs down is buying from other people on freegaragesale.com. People finish their cycles and have leftovers, or they give up etc. Just an idea! 
post #216 of 712
Originally Posted by WaturMama View Post


What are the 12/29 and 1/2 dates based on? That sounds promising. Growing stickybabe wishes to you. goodvibes.gif

One is Mymonthlycycles (12/29) and the other is WebMD (1/2). I don't do BBT, but I've been tracking AF for almost a year, so I have a fair amount of that data. Thanks to the vitex & Vit B, my cycle finally settled in at around 22 days. Still no AF, so we'll see. Very hard not to think obsessively about it!


Peaceful & healthy vibes to everyone! Remember, we know our bodies!


post #217 of 712

I haven't been here in a loooong time. Wanted to share that i am 40 and got my bfp yesterday, and another today, betas this afternoon. I love being 40 and pregnant! Hope baby sticks!!! And hoping for another home birth! Baby dust to all over 40 women TTC!!!!!!!!

post #218 of 712

That's wonderful, Mittens! joy.gif Stickybaby wishes to you!! goodvibes.gif Thank you for stopping by and telling us.

post #219 of 712

Congratulations, Mittens! Yay! joy.gifSending sticky vibes and blessings your way...


MissSonja, how are you feeling? Are you contemplating testing at all, or are you still enjoying the peace of limbo land? orngtongue.gif

Edited by LitMama - 1/11/12 at 10:45am
post #220 of 712

I just wanted to let you all know that it's almost over here... I went in for my ultrasound yesterday which showed a collapsed gestational sac and a lot of free fluid in my uterus. Also one of my ovaries is not looking so hot... it was surrounded by fluid and what may have been debris (both of which could indicate an already-ruptured ectopic -- I guess they can rupture without killing you, if they're in a location that allows that). The doctor was quite alarmed and felt that the sac in my uterus was probably a pseudo-sac generated by an ectopic (probably ovarian). What blows me away is that only 2% of pregnancies are ectopic, and only 5% of those ectopics generate a pseudo-sac and hide out. From the beginning, my case has been confusing to all the docs, lots of differing opinions and wows about how unusual my case is.


We had to make a decision quickly, and knowing for sure at this point there was no viable baby in there, and also that the docs desperately wanted tissue samples to send for analysis, we opted for D&C right then and there. I hadn't taken any medications beforehand (because I didn't think I'd actually be getting a D&C yesterday) and told DH confidently, "If I can get through natural childbirth, this should be a piece of cake." I got one teeny shot of local before the procedure, which turned out to be horrendous and excruciating and quick. I completely lost it in the middle of it and was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I got to have some cathartic full-body sobs in the recovery room before we left. 


We went immediately afterward to pick up DD from aftercare at her school, and told her I wasn't feeling well (keeping it vague). By that time I was high on valium and my emotions were not so close to the surface. I kept sort of passing out in the car while DH drove and chatted with DD. We actually ended up having a nice evening... DH cooked and took care of us both and DD and I snuggled up on my bed and she read to me. I was actually really, really glad she was there.


So I wish it was over and I could go for closure now, but the truth is I'm still in limbo until I get those pathology results (tomorrow). The doc did not see any visible chorionic villi in my tissue, but they may show up under microscope. If the report shows no villi from my uterus, that means ectopic, and with betas over 10,000 now, I'm probably no longer a candidate for methotrexate. Instead I would go for emergency laparascopic surgery to find and remove the embryo. Just imploring the universe at this point to let this be the end. 


Thank you so much to all you wonderful women for supporting me through this difficult time. I have felt the love and it's meant a lot to me. I look forward taking up far less bandwidth on this forum in the near future. grouphug.gif

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