Warm Winter Wishes and BFP's 40 ++ TTC - Page 28

[gumblossom]

I'll second that (third it,actually),I would love to be in the Jan due club with you both.

I'm having my classic pregnancy symptom - early morning insomnia. I've woken at 4.30 and couldn't get back to sleep so got up at 5 am. Which isn't so bad, but it makes for a long day,I get very tired and the last part of the day is so hard. If I wasn't working I'd definitely take a rest or nap, but today I'm working all day. I'm not complaining though. I am pregnant and so grateful.

I'm seeing my TCM person on Thursday.She's such a calming influence, I'm looking forward to it.

Litmama, I don't think I'd like the stress of having betas done either. It's hard to be calm with lots of monitoring going on. After the last couple of pregnancies (which I miscarried) I realise now that the monitoring doesn't bring reassurance to me, it actually brings more worry and less calm. I'm actually glad I can't see my doctor until I'm 7 weeks (she's on holiday). Even then I wonder if I should just wait and see if I go beyond 10 weeks, however, I will go and see her then, by that stage I might like to see the bean on a scan.

My daily mantra is "for today I am pregnant". I'm hoping to say that daily for the next 36 weeks.

[gumblossom]

Since my last post, I have had wanning symptoms, and lighter tests.

 I  think, realistically, that this isn't going to stick. I know I shouldn't have peed on a stick this morning, but I'd rather prepare myself. I did a first response test on Monday (at 14 DPO) and had a lovely dark pink line. This morning's FR test has a very light line.I know from past pregnancies that the line does get darker - particularly at 17 DPO. I also have no more breast tenderness.

And it is okay. I'd rather lose it now than later, and hope that it'll just be like a late period. Those of you who have had early miscarriages - will it be like that?I really don't ever want to go through another D&C.

I know symptoms do fluctuate in the early weeks, but I think the light test is indicative of falling HCG levels.

One thing is certain - if I lose this one, I'm not going to ttc again. I'm really tired of the whole thing. I've had enough of uncertainty. I know it would be worth it in the end, but I just can't do this to myself anymore.

Sorry about the negative post, just had to get it off my chest.
 

[LitMama]

Gumblossom, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this pg is failing. ((( hugs ))) I hope there is something else at play, like variation between tests. Either way, I'm sending lots of loving vibes your way. 

I myself am still in the land of ambiguity. My tests remain the same barely visible light shade, but no AF and my symptoms are increasing. I've been very sick the last couple of days. FF has now moved my O date to cd20, and this whole cycle is just getting curiouser and curiouser. I really have no idea what's going on, but I'm not feeling stressed about it, just realizing I'll know sooner or later, and willing to make friends with the mystery until then.

Updating this to say... I think I'm likely out, too. Negative test this morning, nausea gone, feeling crampy. Feeling okay emotionally. I found this blog post from Randine Lewis' blog very comforting and inspiring. Check it out! http://thefertilesoul.com/infertility_cure/?p=360

Edited by LitMama - 5/24/12 at 10:01am

[gumblossom]

Litmama, sorry to hear that. Thank you for Randine Lewis's words. I'll hold them close.

I'm just waiting to miscarry, I think. I've started to have some period like cramping,and a test this morning was so faint, I would have dismissed it as negative if it was the day my period was due. I know that the test would definitely have been positive if my bean was alive and growing. I just want it over with already.

I'm starting to feel angry and sad,and having trouble keeping it together. I have to take DS to swimming lessons this morning, where I'm surrounded by pregnant mums and new babies. I'd love to stay in, but DS loves his lesson and is expecting to go.

I have to let this go now. It's been over two years and two miscarriages and this one (I suppose you'd call it a chemical) and I just don't want to live my life always hoping and being let down.

This has also made me realize that I don't want to shoulder all the emotional burden either,which is what is happening as my DH really isn't involved with any of it.I suppose one consolation is that I don't have to break the news to him.

And I'm one of those people who has to "have a plan", so all this uncertainty is difficult for me.

It's time for a different plan. How strange to be saying that.This plan has been at the forefront of my mind for over two years.

I'm so blessed to have the children I have,and having a wonderful three year old will help. It's just hard to give up and change hopes and dreams.

I have loved being here,a part of this great group of lovely supportive women, and I hope all of you can get what your heart desires.

 

[WaturMama]

Gumblossom, oh my, is that a goodbye post? I would sure miss you. I understand all you are saying, and see how it might be supportive for you to "retire" from here, if you continue to choose not to ttc anymore. You have been such a source or inspiration, information, and caring. Thank you. Very sorry about the chemical pg, and that I wasn't around last week. I've had some like periods and some kind of weird--usually heavier but not hugely so.

Litmama, how strange that FF moved your O date. Do you have a guess as to why. I'm keeping some hope for you this month. I'd love to read that Randine Lewis post, but the letters are light grey and I can barely read it. I will try again later. I'm going to go see if I can see the Golden Gate bridge 75th fireworks now!

[LitMama]

Gumblossom, ((( hugs ))), I think I understand how you feel. And it certainly does seem like a heavy burden to shoulder on your own. I hope you can find a path that feels nurturing to you. You have been very nurturing to all of us!

WaturMama, I still don't fully understand what happened this cycle, but I think FF moved my O date based on a triphasic chart. My initial post-O temps (based on a cd14 O) were pretty low, low enough that my TCM doc recommended progesterone supps. But it was a detectable shift. Then at cd20/7dpo, my temps shot up again and FF suddenly thought that was my O date (while my TCM doc and I considered it to be a triphasic shift). This is the problem with allowing a computer program to figure these things out for you! What I do know is that I definitely conceived this cycle (I had 3 solid days of positive tests and loads of symptoms, and AF arrived a week late). And although the one-week-late AF would coincide nicely with a cd20 O, the conception wouldn't make sense in that scenario, because DH left the country on cd13. So, the cd14 O makes a lot more sense, based on many factors (BD dates, the fact that I conceived, I never O that late, etc.).

After losing this pg (2 chemicals in a row, sigh...), I went through some very low moments this weekend and have been thinking I need a new path, too, although I'm not sure yet what that is. Right now this one feels expensive, complicated, restrictive and isolating. But at other times it feels like a path full of spirit and growth. So maybe it's just a moment I'm passing through and I'll be on the other side soon. We shall see.

Did you see the fireworks, WaturMama? We could hear them and see a reddening foggy sky, but there was too much fog in SF to actually see them.

That Randine Lewis article IS really difficult to read. Here it is, pasted in:

A Little Bit Pregnant

You can’t be a little bit pregnant; you either are or you aren’t.  We can laugh at the absurdity of thinking otherwise. This analogy, used to illustrate definitives, brings the mind to one side or other of the equation. Yes or no; black or white; no room for gray. I’m going to be a parent or I’m not. What happens, though, when we are forced to live in the gray zone?  I might be; I might not be; I don’t know. On this journey, we are always just a little bit pregnant with possibility.

Few of us are comfortable with the state of limbo. Who wants to live in the state of “I don’t know”? Who doesn’t want the brightness of certainty? Yet, we seem to fear the gray zone more than we fear the darkness. If I know that it will be, I will power through anything; if I know it will never be, I won’t like it, but I will learn to accept it. One side or the other; yes or no; black or white; no room for gray.

See if you have the courage to live in the gray zone for just one day. Try residing in the state of “I don’t know” all day long. The mind lives in definitive sides of life; but life itself resides right in the middle. There is a great wonder there. This is the place where miracles occur.

Many people ask me how to let go when the desire is so great. How can I not hold on to the reins of life and direct it the way I want it to go? Life seems not to be responding to my desires in my timeframe. Therefore, it must be no. Yet, because of this enormous desire, it can’t be no. It must be yes. But it can’t be yes because…. Conflict ensues because it isn’t one side or the other. It is both.  Yes and no; not now; maybe later; gray. Yuck.

Yet, the middle way is not a bland acceptance – it is vibrantly alive with the glimmer of all possibility. When we aren’t demanding life appear in a certain way, it can flow as it must.  The spirit of existence, which flows through the heart and gives birth to all things, lives in the state of not knowing. It loves the miraculous, eternal expression of unknowable potential . Anything else is limitation. The flow of life does not respond well to absolutes. Feel the energetic contraction of the fear based, demanding mindset –“I know it must be the way I want it, now!” vs. “I don’t know how it must be, but I’m open to it.”

If you can try this out for just one day, and then start expanding it, you will be amazed at the results. It will eliminate the energetic contraction that closes you off from the miraculous flow of life. Give it a try. And keep practicing it until something inside clicks – the vibrant current of life itself, sparked into miraculous existence when we are willing to let go of the reins of control.

[gumblossom]

Well, it wasn't really a goodbye post - just how I was feeling at the time. Pretty low to be honest. The last two pregnancies,as realistic as I could be, I still thought,"surely I won't lose another one?", but I have.

The c.p, or miscarriage hasn't been too bad physically. I started to bleed on Saturday, but it hasn't been any heavier than a normal period,and it's almost stopped already. I do wonder if my lining isn't thick enough to support a pregnancy.But emotionally, it hasn't be easy. Especially when I'm having to pretend that nothing has changed. If I was to let my DH know what has happened, he'd start freaking out about my getting pregnant again, and I don't want to deal with that.

I am wavering, but I think as hard as it is,I really ought to be thinking about taking a different journey.

TTC at our age, after loss, is a very difficult road to take, but to be honest, the other alternative route feels much,much harder to me. But ttc is also so full of uncertainty. It's hard work to get pregnant, then there's so much anxiety and hoping that you'll actually make it to 12 weeks, let alone carry to term. Then I have all the other stuff to deal with - a husband who will be less than happy about it, and the financial worry that will come with me being out of the workforce again.

Everything seems to be pointing in the direction of "time to move on", but I still have such a strong desire, and can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm supposed to keep trying.

Right now I'm just trying to make it through the day, so no big decisions will be made yet.

And I still want to see how my friends here are doing, so I will keep reading,and probably posting too.
 

[WaturMama]

gumblossom, I'm glad you'll still be around. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. It is tough, very tough, all these disappointments. I'm feeling it too right now. I know what you mean about the alternate road being harder.

Litmama. (((hug))) (((hug))) (((hug))). I am so sorry for your loss. Sounds to me like CD14 O makes sense, and you were 4w6d pg. I have had 2 losses like that. That is long enough to just start to get used to it, at least it was for me. Those were tough losses.

I also feel the temptation to let go, and also don't sit there comfortably. I love the article Litmama. There is wisdom there for all of life. I am having such a hard time with the gray of this. I was watching a movie with my ds on my lap this weekend, wondering how much longer will I get to have a child of mine on my lap? This was not the plan at all. And my dh's sister was here this weekend and toasted "brother and sister" and talked of how she often takes that for granted, and it just breaks my heart thinking my ds won't get to be a brother. He would be a wonderful brother. He would love it, even if he doesn't realize it now. I can say it's not me, and I'm putting my wants on him, but really, at this moment, I think I know him. I know how much he loves his family. Part of me thinks I should be putting everything I've got into us adopting now, but somehow I just don't have it in me. We are not in a financial situation for it at all. And the idea of all those forms, and being evaluated, when my dh isn't really into it, I don't feel positive about it at all. It doesn't even seem realistic. And now I think the chances of me getting and staying pg are very slim. So as you can see, I'm not in a great place either.

On the plus side, Litmama, I did see the fireworks. They were some of the best I've ever seen. That is one beautiful bridge we get to have near us.

[gumblossom]

Waturmama and Lit mama, I'm so sorry you are both feeling low too. It seems so unfair that we can't have our heart's desire when it is such a natural desire,and one that should be easily realised and is for so many others.

Right now I am thinking the best way for me to move forward is to try to stop doing anything that involves tracking and observing fertility. So I have thrown away to thermometer, will stop the charting,and won't be using opk sticks. That way I won't be aware of timing BDing. So,if I do get pregnant again it will a surprise - a genuine one. So I'll leave it in the lap of the gods.

I think coming here actually helps, as I'm not the only one going through this,and ultimately,I do still want a pregnancy and baby. I'll try to keep an open mind and an open heart,and believe that if it is meant to be, it will be.

I heard an interesting quote on the radio the other day, but can't remember it exactly. It was something like - it may feel that your journey is going in the wrong direction, but you will always end up where you are meant to be. I think that requires a level of acceptance that I'm not quite ready for.Perhaps I'm heading that way, but I don't really want to.

I'm actually taking the DHEA again, as I think it might help, and I don't want to throw it away after spending money on it. I'm on another site with 40+ women ttc, and a friend there is now 20 weeks pregnant, after three miscarriages and two chemicals. She took DHEA for 8 months, so I do wonder if that helped the quality of her eggs, as she had testing and it seems nothing was picked up. She is 44.

I will still see my doctor, I have an appointment in a couple of weeks, and talk to her about the trouble I had trying to get progesterone. I think I'll ask her to write a prescription so that it's available to me if I should need it. I do actually worry that it might have prevented this miscarriage, but then again, I think the bleeding happened because the pregnancy was over, not the other way around.At least if I do use the progesterone, I have given it the best chance.

I feel a bit silly for having ordered two bottles of progesterone cream, and two of welcome womb herbs, which still haven't arrived. Such a waste of money! I guess I'll use the cream anyway, if I have any idea of when I've Oed, and the herbs may still get a use...

I'd like to think about it less, but how to do that? I'm extremely busy - I'm a working mum and have plenty of commitments, but the longing is always there and I think about it constantly.

Hang  in there ladies, perhaps our dream is just around the corner...
 

[WaturMama]

AF just started. Dang. I've had pg symptoms for several days, so it was probably another chemical pregnancy. I really didn't think I was getting excited about it. I felt so pessimistic, but STILL I'm disappointed. And it was a 26 day cycle. That is the shortest in the 12 years I've been keeping track. That is a little disturbing. I've had more short ones in recent months. The only plus is we get to try again sooner. I'll see my TCM person next week and it will be good to talk to her about it.

You're right gumblossom, perhaps our dreams are just around the corner. Once it happens, it just happens. It is so stark this difference between yes and no. Maybe that is why the not knowing is particularly hard (referring to the Randine Lewis article). Oh, I'm challenged by acceptance on this one too. It has to do with dreams for me and dreams for my son--two areas I am very invested in!!

I didn't try progesterone this time, because I really wasn't sure when I ovulated. Hopefully next month I can be more on top of things. I'm glad you have an appointment soon, gumblossom and can get that progesterone prescription. Is welcome womb only to be taken after your pregnant? From the name it sounds like something you could take before, too. Maybe it won't turn out to be a waste.

[lovestolearn]

(((Hugs))) to everyone.  Believe it or not, I'm hangin' in here on the sidelines!  Still open to conceiving, but not really trying.

Just wanted to chime in with my recent experience of progesterone cream.

In March, I had an 23 day cycle where I started AF right after a 40 hour fast (maybe an estrogen surge from fat release?)  I had a 26 day cycle back in January.  Otherwise, I had been 28-29 day regular.  Shorter cycles = menopause approaching.  Not good!

I had used Pro-gest off and on in 2010 starting after apparent ovulation.  I stopped for awhile, so I could track the changes in my body through being Primal & 100% gluten-free.

Two cycles ago, I started using Pro-gest again per the instructions 2x per day just after I suspected ovulation.  The first cycle (with an acupuncture/moxa treatment) was 32 days long and last month it was 30 days on progesterone only.

My EWCM has been amazing: 3-5 days of it!  Don't know how much the Pro-gest has to do with this.

 

[WaturMama]

Hi lovestolearn! That's great that the Pro-gest worked so well for you! Was the acupuncture new too? I think that has been a big help for me.

I just started a Secondary Infertility chat thread over in the Infertility board. I hate that word Infertility. It seems like a doomsday word. There is so much fertility that is working for each of us. But I guess that is where that discussion goes. I'm finding lately, as my son's get older, that there are issues specific to that situation. Just wanted to let anyone else interested to know it is there.

[lovestolearn]

Yes, the acupuncture was new, WaturMama.  I would have had more sessions, but the practitioner has been out of town.  Sitting at 5 dpo-ish and curious to see what will happen this month.
 

[carmen358]

Hi everyone. I popped in here a few months ago for some encouragement when I was at a low point - I was waiting to m/c for the fourth time and losing confidence that this would ever happen.

Some background info about me....I'm 41 (and a half ;) ) and have an amazing 2 1/2 year old DD. She was conceived with a known donor, diy artifical insemination at home, because my partner is female too - we're using the same donor this time around. We are desperate to have another child and have been at TTC #2 for over a year now. I have very regular "normal" cycles, all blood tests, u/s and hsg come back with great results and I appear to get pregnant fairly easily. We've tried 8 times since last year and I've gotten pregnant 4 times...the longest a pregnancy has gone is 9 weeks. The RE I finally saw says there is nothing to treat for me because there is nothing wrong...he suggests it will just take time to catch a "good egg."

I take a multitude of vitamins and minerals, drink a mixed infusion of red clover/stinging nettle tea as often as a I can, do weekly acupuncture and chinese herbs. I also started using prescribed progesterone suppositories even though the RE has mixed feelings about their effectiveness in my case as I don't appear to have a LP defect. He said it can't hurt...and if I think it helps it's fine to use them. So I do. I also use opks, the clear blue fertility monitor, track cm and temp (when my DD isn't waking me up lots at night ;) ).

So, that's me in a TTC nutshell. I'm on CD11 and currently waiting to O!
 

[lovestolearn]

Hi Carmen!

Welcome & so sorry for your losses.

Have you had your Vitamin D3 level tested?  I just worked with a mama who had 6 miscarriages after 3 healthy children.  She is now 37 weeks with her latest babe after we got her levels up to 50-60 ng/ml--and she went gluten-free.

[carmen358]

Thanks lovestolearn

No, I haven't had my vitamin D tested....I do take 1000iu D3 everyday though. If I was deficient would that be enough?

I'm actually gluten free already and have been for several years...I haven't been tested for celiac but an elimination diet many years ago proved to me that I do indeed have a sensitivity!

[lovestolearn]

Depends on your sun exposure/latitude/complexion.  I need 6,000 IUs a day in the winter to stay sufficient, but everyone is different.

Best to get tested & then you will know.  You can order an at home test kit (that you send in) for $70 on the Vitamin D Council site or ask your care provider for a 25(OH)D test and get the test result number (often they will tell you it's fine if it is over 20 and that's just not high enough for optimum fertility or health.) 

This is the first thing I ask all my fertility & pregnancy clients to do.  D3 is a hormone precursor & regulates calcium metabolism along with Magnesium. 
 

[gumblossom]

Hello ladies,

I'm having a bit of a weird thing happen, and I don't know whether to laugh or get worried.

As you know, I'm pretty sure I had a chemical pregnancy as I had what felt and looked like a normal period about 3 -4 days after I expected AF. It lasted about 3 days.In the run up to the bleed I had positive tests, but they kept getting lighter. Even when I was bleeding I did a test and it was positive.

I really thought it was all over. My breasts didn't feel tender and I didn't feel pregnant.

That was about two weeks ago.

Now for the weird thing. I felt like I might be ovulating a couple of days ago, so I did an opk.It was darkly positive, but then it was again yesterday and today.

While I was lying on the acupuncture table, trying to meditate, I couldn't shake the idea that I  might actually still be pregnant. The last week or so I've had a yucky taste in my mouth (which I get in early pregnancy) and my breasts are tender again. So when I got home tonight from acupuncture, after another positive opk, I decided to do a preg test. It is a first response. My pee was pretty dilute.And I got a BFP straight away!

I just don't know what to think - is it left over from the early miscarriage? Could I have lost a twin, or just had a bleed?Could I have gotten pregnant again straight away (unlikely)? I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday, so I guess I'll ask for betas to be done to find out what's going on.If I'm still pregnant, then I'll be 7 weeks by then.Wow!

I'm tentatively excited. My acupuncture lady said my pulse was still strong - so that is a good thing. I guess I'll get some more tests (I've finally run out) and maybe even a clearblue which says how many weeks.

Can you think of any reasons this could be happening?

[lovestolearn]

Sounds like you may be pregnant, gumblossom!

I've read LOTS of stories of bleeding in early pregnancy.  Can't wait to hear the reults of your beta!
 

[LitMama]

Wow, Gumblossom! Yay! You are still pregnant! It sounds like some betas would be a good idea!

As you might recall, I had an ambiguous situation last month, too. After several positive tests and AF being a week late, my bleeding was very light and was stopping and starting. My TCM doc also said that my pulse was still indicating pregnancy. However, as soon as my full flow started (and I had negative tests and my symptoms had disappeared) I started taking a TCM herbal formula that is only for menses and is contraindicated during pregnancy. I wonder if I jumped the gun? I'm definitely NOT pg now, but I wonder if I still was even after I thought it was over? My TCM doc has asked me to exercise more caution in the future -- to always get betas if I get a positive home test, and to consider that any lighter or more unusual bleeding may be early pregnancy bleeding, not AF. She says bleeding (not just spotting) is very common in early pregnancy (and she's an Ob/Gyn as well as a TCM doc).

It also could be a vanishing twin... after having one myself with my ectopic, I researched this phenomenon pretty thoroughly and learned it's very common. It's only recently though that home tests are sensitive enough to pick up the hCG fluctuations that happen with early twin loss. Fingers crossed for you, can't wait to hear your update!

WaturMama, I'm sorry about AF ((( hugs ))), it sounds like maybe you did have a chemical and all 3 of us were pg at/around the same time. Your words about the stark difference between yes and no is striking. It reminds me of a line from a poem I read once about giving birth, actually... "the sheer cliff of the first day".

Lovestolearn, glad you're having good luck with progesterone cream and acupuncture! Thank you for the info on D3. I think supplementing with this made a world of difference to me. Fingers crossed for you!

Welcome, Carmen! Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you're very fertile and it will only be a matter of time for you.

AFM, ovulatory at the moment. Current dilemma... my TCM doc thinks my chemical pgs are related more to my DH than to me, because of his morphology count (abnormal sperm meeting up with perfectly good eggs). She says I'm fertile and ready, and just need a good sperm. How refreshing! But... now I'm supposed to get DH into TCM treatment. When I talked with him about this, it really, really stressed him out. He doesn't feel we can afford it (we can't even afford my treatment) or that he has the time (he works about 60 hours per week). He agreed to do it, going to a community acupuncture clinic to save money, but only under duress. I hate to heap any additional pressure on my very supportive but overworked hubby, but if we need it, we need it, ya know? I'm also thinking more about immunology testing at the Beer Center, since I have an autoimmune disease and lots of early losses, but again... it's super expensive and it stresses out DH when I bring it up. (But... says the voice in my head... what if this is the missing piece)? Other than mulling these things over, feeling very laid back at the moment. After what I just wrote, this is going to sound like a mixed message, but I'm also spending much less time online and much less time and energy even thinking about TTC, which feels very, very liberating. I always feel the pull toward knowing how my friends here are doing, so I'm sure that even if I pull back a little I'll check in from time to time. But I want to honor how good it feels to let go a little.
 

Edited by LitMama - 6/7/12 at 11:31am