Warm Winter Wishes and BFP's 40 ++ TTC - Page 29

[WaturMama]

Omigoodness Gumblossom!!! That is very exciting!! Crossing everything that this works out for you.

Carmen, good to see you here! Our situation is so similar. My dh and I have done at home AI sometimes with his sperm when for various reasons there have been issues and that has taken the pressure off, and we have gotten pg that way. Also the RE says all is well with me. But the one big thing different is age. I am 45 now. I hope this works for you much sooner than it has for me. I tested low on D and the RE recommended 2000 IU/day. I take it with fish oil.

Litmama, has your dh gone to the acupuncture clinic yet? How long and often will he need to do that for it to be effective? I wish I could get mine to go. Money and time are big issues for him, too.

[LitMama]

Waturmama, my DH has not actually gone yet... he did promise he would make an appointment, but I have a feeling I'll have to end up making it for him (just like I buy his supplements for him and give him a list of what and how much to take). His schedule is intense and he has a work culture that frowns upon doing any life-admin tasks during the day, so it's almost impossible for him to take a lunch break or even step outside to make a personal phone call. I've been telling him that once he sets foot through the door, TCM will actually ease his stress, not add to it. But as much as I feel a sense of responsibility in my role as nurturer in this family, he feels the same level of responsibility as hunter/breadwinner, so creating space to care for himself feels irresponsible to him. Kind of ironic that my sweet, highly-evolved, feminist husband has ended up trapped in the same identity role-playing game that his father was.
 

[gumblossom]

Things are still very up in the air. I've seen the doctor and had a blood test, and will have another one on Monday to see if hcg is doubling.

I'm not too hopeful, I did a clear blue test and it said 1-2. Also the doctor did an ultrasound and couldn't see a sac. There was something there about 1 cm long, but he thought it might be left from the miscarriage.He said a sack should have measured 2 cm by now ( if I was 6 weeks along).

It is just so strange - my symptoms seem to have gotten stronger recently, boobs are very sore, and that yucky taste in my mouth, but I just can't see that I would have ovulated so soon after bleeding.

Perhaps my body just thinks it is pregnant. I now have to wait until Monday afternoon to find out.

I just want to know one way or another.
 

[sherryvhkb]

Hi ladies. Ive been a long lurker sometimes poster here but kund of dropped off last couple month s after finding that my one year post tubal reversal hsg showed both tubes blocked....since then i have scheduled another surgery for July 2nd and im feeling somewhat back in the game.
After reading the past couple of pages i feel like ive been on a roller coaster!

Gumblossom. I am sending you every possible prayer hope finger crossed dump truck full of baby dust possible!!!!,

This group has been through so much and stays strong. It is truley an inspiration.

[gumblossom]

Thanks Sherry, I just want to know what is happening.I hope your surgery is a success. The waiting is hard isn't it?

 I've been researching and it is possible that what is going on with me could be a number of things:
- a miscarriage that hasn't finished

-the loss of a twin (but wouldn't the doctor have seen something that resembles a sac?)

-an ectopic (but I have no pain)
-I ovulated twice in a month and the second egg is still growing but the first one miscarried, hence the small dark blob on the ultrasound,and the 1-2 weeks on the test
-that i didn't miscarry, but had a bleed, and the ultrasound was inaccurate,and so was the clearblue test - but that's unlikely.The ultrasound machine was just a small one in the doctor's office, so maybe inaccurate?

I find it hard to believe that it is the end of the miscarriage because,surely after two weeks the symptoms would be lessening, not getting worse? My breast tenderness is definitely increasing.

It's crazy.I did another opk test when I got home (as I don't have any internet cheapie preg tests and I'm saving the clearblue for a few days time) and it was really dark again. Wouldn't they get lighter everyday if the hcg is falling? I have heard of people having positive tests 2 weeks after a miscarriage, so I suppose that might explain it.

I hate that I'm getting my hopes up again when they might just come crashing down again on Monday afternoon.

 

[LitMama]

Gumblossom, what an interesting situation you have on your hands! Did that first beta number tell you anything? Does it seem like a number that would be consistent with any particular week of pregnancy?

For what it's worth, I did a LOT of research on ultrasound machines during my ectopic... they do vary greatly. You should be able to ask your doctor what the "threshold of visibility" is for the machine she's using. At my hospital, the threshold was such that a gestational sac should have been visible once hCG levels had risen to about 1,500. For other machines, it's more like 3,000. Using the hCG levels is more indicative for this threshold than the LMP or ovulation date. You could also ask for a "formal ultrasound" in the radiology department of your hospital, these are more high powered.

Also, my experience with tests getting lighter, then getting darker (including OPKs) was that it DID indicate falling and rising hCG levels. My doctor scoffed at me when I said, "I need another beta... my home tests are getting darker again". But I was right and it was confirmed by betas. I don't mean to introduce any element of alarm at all, but ectopics don't necessarily cause any pain. Mine was pain-free and completely asymptomatic (except that I felt pregnant in a normal way, with very tender boobs, etc.). The only indication that something weird was going on was fluctuating betas and an ultrasound showing, first, no gestational sac (at 5 weeks), then an abnormal one (at 6 weeks). But I had a very unusual situation, a likely heterotopic pregnancy (one in the tube and one in the uterus). Very, very rare. Even regular ectopics are rare. If you do have an ectopic, it will be caught through beta and ultrasound monitoring before it can do you any harm.

But I'm going to bet that you have something far more wonderful going on here! Maybe you ovulated twice! Or maybe you ovulated very very soon after your bleed... your hormones may have been a bit whacky. After my ectopic was over, I ovulated on cycle day 8 and conceived (a chemical) while trying to prevent, because it took us by surprise. My doctor had asked me to use birth control for a while because she said it was quite possible to get pregnant immediately after my loss, and that it would be confusing and difficult for them to distinguish a new pregnancy from an old one. She said that would cause fluctuating betas as well. I'm hoping that's what's going on with you, and sending you lots and lots of good vibes for a beautiful, growing, healthy bean.
 

Edited by LitMama - 6/8/12 at 5:53pm

[LitMama]

For any mamas who are interested in immunology issues... I've done a little research today in hopes of turning up some less spendy way to approach this. It turns out some of the expenses can be mitigated by having a physician order your blood assays through Millenova Immunology Lab in Chicago (don't know how much they cost, I'm waiting to hear back from the lab, but it's supposed to be way cheaper than going through a clinic like the Beer Center, which uses their own lab, bills you for consultation fees, etc.). Millenova can do just an NK cell assay, or they can run a panel called "Implantation Failure Panel" (among others with equally charming names). Another significant cost savings... buying your drugs and infusion supplies from an online pharmacy (one name that popped up was Freedom Fertility, which also, incidentally, sells progesterone suppositories for only five bucks). As for treatment protocols, I learned that intralipids have been shown to be as effective as IVIG, and they are much less expensive (about $100 per treatment, versus $2,000).

[gumblossom]

Thank you for your words of wisdom, Litmama, I know you endured a really difficult road of ups and downs with your ectopic. I hope you are right about another ovulation, but I don't even recall having sex in the week after I bled, so not sure that could be it.

I'm just hoping that a) the clearblue test with conception indicator was wrong (I've read many testimonials,and it seems they are terribly unreliable in terms of showing "how" pregnant you are, and after 6 weeks they are exceptionally unreliable.)and b) the ultrasound couldn't show much at this stage, that I need a vaginal ultrasound at 6 weeks to see anything.

Although I had blood drawn yesterday, I didn't get the result.The doctor (who isn't my regular doctor) said to call on Monday afternoon (after having a second blood test on Monday morning) to get results. I have an appointment with my own doctor on Monday afternoon, so will discuss the results with her,and perhaps she'll order a vaginal ultrasound. I suppose she'll have to either way because if the hcg is dropping, they'll have to check the miscarriage is complete; and if it's rising, they'll need to do a dating scan.

I don't want to think about it too much. I feel sad that I might still be "losing a baby" when I thought it was all over, and really, really want it to be a viable pregnancy.At least I have a busy weekend,so I'll be occupied(all the while pressing my breasts every 10 mins to see if they are tender, and they are!).

I have also remembered that my first pregnancy, when I was 19,was very unexpected(and unplanned), and I didn't believe the doctor, because I'd had what I thought was a normal period. I saw a doctor at about 6 weeks, thinking I had glandular fever or a virus.When I described my symptoms he said that I was probably pregnant, and I refused to believe him until I'd had a blood test to prove it. I was so surprised I could be that pregnant when I'd had a period. Perhaps this is a similar situation?

Time will tell I suppose.

[gumblossom]

My beta result from Friday was 110. I didn't even bother getting another  blood test done today because a urine test was negative. I couldn't be bothered with the 40 minute car trip with my 3 year old DS in tow, when there's a big storm going on, and I just know it's the tail end of a the miscarriage. I just wish I hadn't got my hopes up, but I'm okay with it.

Seems to me that the sperm and egg are meeting, and that my body doesn't let the baby go easy, so I think it is just a matter of the right egg.I feel confident that I don't need progesterone.

Right now I'm happy I don't have to worry about an ectopic or molar pregnancy. I spoke to the doctor on the phone, and he's pretty sure it is just the end of my miscarriage. I had an appointment with my usual doctor, but she couldn't get into the surgery as she'd had storm damage. I'm okay with that, I don't think there's anything to discuss.

I'm not really sure if I'll keep ttc. I'm just going to take some time to get back to normal. Then see how I'll feel. Who knows how long it will take to ovulate again?

[carmen358]

Thanks for the tip, lovestolearn. I'm thinking about getting tested. I've upped my daily intake to 2000 IUs just in case :)

litmama: I find it easier this time around ttc in some ways because I'm not able to think about it 24/7 with my DD here now. In that way, it is nice. Enjoy the "time away."

Watur: Thanks for the welcome. I'm sorry you're going through the same situation...it's a tough road. Just curious, do you have a cut off time when you want to stop trying?

gumblossom: I've been following along. What a rollercoaster. I'm really sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you.

Afm: I think I'm going to O today. We have done three insems the last 3 days...I was expecting to O Sunday so thought our timing was perfect but my temp is still down this morning. Very strange thing this cycle...I use the CBFM and I haven't had a peak yet! I have had 2 VERY dark, very quick opks but no peak. Very odd....this has happened only once before using the monitor and I got pregnant so I'm not completely freaked out but it is still unnerving...hopefully my temp goes up tomorrow!

[lovestolearn]

(((gumblossom))))
 

[WaturMama]

I am so sorry gumblossom. (((hug)))(((hug)))(((hug)))

My doctors here have seemed to think it is imperative that my uterus is empty after a miscarriage. Are you getting any of that message? I was sure I didn't need progesterone either because my body also seems to hold onto pregnancies. By then I read the Alan Beer book. He said that progesterone surpresses the immune system, thus keeping our bodies from rejecting a fetus. He believes that the more miscarriages we have the more likely our immune system is to react (lovely thought she writes sarcastically, but I do fortunately know several stories of women having babies after many miscarriages). That is what convinced me to try it. You do have a lot working well fertility-wise. Be extra dear to yourself.

Thanks carmen, no cut off time. If our financial situation was better I think we'd be more seriously pursuing adoption by now.

Litmama, interesting what you say about the male and female roles. I can relate. Sorry to hear your dh's schedule makes it so challenging. I hope you find a way soon and will be curious to hear how he reacts.

AFM, the subject of families came up with ds over the weekend and I calmly told him that the chances of me having another baby at my age are low (I'm 45 for those who aren't as painfully aware of this fact as I am--though just as I type this I think I want to embrace my current age and that is one benefit I see to giving this ttc up, one of the few). Though I wish what I told him weren't how it is, that is what I believe now and it felt good to be straight with him about it. I was struck by how calm I felt when I told him and thought I was making peace with the idea. Then I found out today that the mom of one of the few only child classmates he was at school is pg, and I couldn't stop crying for about half an hour.

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by WaturMama 

I am so sorry gumblossom. (((hug)))(((hug)))(((hug)))

My doctors here have seemed to think it is imperative that my uterus is empty after a miscarriage. Are you getting any of that message? I was sure I didn't need progesterone either because my body also seems to hold onto pregnancies. By then I read the Alan Beer book. He said that progesterone surpresses the immune system, thus keeping our bodies from rejecting a fetus. He believes that the more miscarriages we have the more likely our immune system is to react (lovely thought she writes sarcastically, but I do fortunately know several stories of women having babies after many miscarriages). That is what convinced me to try it. You do have a lot working well fertility-wise. Be extra dear to yourself.

Thanks carmen, no cut off time. If our financial situation was better I think we'd be more seriously pursuing adoption by now.

Litmama, interesting what you say about the male and female roles. I can relate. Sorry to hear your dh's schedule makes it so challenging. I hope you find a way soon and will be curious to hear how he reacts.

AFM, the subject of families came up with ds over the weekend and I calmly told him that the chances of me having another baby at my age are low (I'm 45 for those who aren't as painfully aware of this fact as I am--though just as I type this I think I want to embrace my current age and that is one benefit I see to giving this ttc up, one of the few). Though I wish what I told him weren't how it is, that is what I believe now and it felt good to be straight with him about it. I was struck by how calm I felt when I told him and thought I was making peace with the idea. Then I found out today that the mom of one of the few only child classmates he was at school is pg, and I couldn't stop crying for about half an hour.

A co-worker of mine whose DS is 4 months younger than our DD is expecting her 2nd in October. I'm not usually bothered by others getting pregnant and usually relish in it...but I had the biggest lump in my throat when she told me....I hated the feeling. I'm sorry. We've also considering adoption. We'd prefer to adopt from the ministry though (we're in BC Canada) which likely means an older child already in the foster care system. I'd prefer to adopt a child younger than DD and around 2ish. We've been so wrapped up in TTC though we haven't filled out the application forms.

Afm: My temp jumped nicely this morning. If it wasn't a fluke (ie my DD is a little hot water bottle ;) ) and it stays up tomorrow I'll start the progesterone. I'm off to acupuncture tonight.

[saoirse2007]

Have not been around in a long time, but i still think about you guys...

tried to stalk Halifax40 ...no word?

[WaturMama]

Hi saoirse, good to see you! Good question about Halifax. I checked the first page and see we have some others due around now, too. So I guess your stalking/searching was unsuccessful. I hope we hear from her and the others. Thinking/hoping no news is good news. Wow, those pregnancies go fast when they are someone else's.

Thanks, Carmen. That big temp rise sounds promising! I hope it keeps up.
 

[carmen358]

Yes, pregnancies seem to FLY by when it's someone else!

My temp is still up but it went down a bit from yesterday. I'm hoping i did indeed O....I've never not O'd that I know of except after one m/c years ago.
Here is my chart if anyone cares to take a look....my last cycle was odd too....very slow temp rise which is also not really typical for me. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1c90e6

[TenzinsMama]

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I posted-- I just want to let you know that I had my baby on May 28th... A beautiful and healthy little girl, who we named Raya.  We love her very much, and are enjoying getting to know one another.  So far, she seems to be a pretty easy baby... Here's hoping that she remains that way, because my little guy had colic and wasn't so easy.  And now he's super, super active... Lots of fun though and I wouldn't change him for anything... However, having a bit of an easier time this round would definitely help me to adjust to being a mama to two now! 

In addition to the birth announcement/update, I'm also looking for some words of advice/encouragement/support.  I was a regular on here, and though I may not have posted much, I've been following many of you on here even after I got my bfp-- and I know that you are compassionate, kind women with lots of wisdom and experience to share.  Please help me.

It was difficult at times during the pregnancy-- Around 25 weeks I had some annoying issues that had to do with my pelvic floor, and it was discovered that I have more pelvic organ prolapse than initially thought from my first pregnancy.  Then, at 28 weeks I was told I definitely had a complete placenta previa and would need to have a scheduled c-section.  I had a lot of anxiety develop over the possibility of experiencing pre-term labor, or early hemorraghing-- not to mention the fear of having major surgery for the baby to be born.  At 32 weeks it became marginal (0 cm from the internal os), at which point I became super hopeful, only to be let down heavily when at 36 weeks it hadn't moved any more at all.  I had at least been hoping to have a trial of labor if it was between 1 and 2 cm from the os... So from 28 weeks I found myself with a dark cloud of depression beginning to envelop me, which I felt completely devastated about because I love being pregnant and it really bothered me that it was changing that beautiful experience for me-- not to mention the guilt I felt for not being able to get myself out of it.  Yep, with the exception of the last two weeks of my pregnancy, that cloud stayed with me since the previa diagnosis...(I will explain a little later what made the two weeks the exception.)

What made things hard in addition to what was going on with me was that since I had to get an OB-GYN to do the c/s, it made things murky with the midwives-- in my province, there isn't a formal shared model of care between midwives and OBs... so there were some major miscommunications, a lot of uncertainty when it came to certain things-- and a lot of adovcating on me and DH's part-- which wouldn't have been a big deal under normal circumstances, but I had the depression thing happening.  It was a lot.  We ended up switching OBs to someone who we felt more connected to, somebody who I felt I could trust more (I had MAJOR fear and anxiety over the c/s) and who worked out of a hospital where partners could stay as long as a private room was available.  I did some research on natural/gentle cesareans, and though it's not practiced here as a formal mode of doing c/s, the OB agreed to some of the stuff as long as the baby and I were stable.  We found the new OB two weeks before the c/s, and we were so grateful that he took us on that late.  That is what helped the dark cloud lift.  So with the c/s, we had delayed cord clamping, DH got some awesome photos, and I had skin-to-skin right after a quick dry-off from our midwife.  It was the best experience I could have hoped for.  Still, it was awfully scary going through that!  It was the complete opposite of the birthing experience I had with my DS-- planned homebirth with midwives... Very healing, empowering.  Not sure how much better I would have coped with the c/s if I hadn't been depressed like I was, but then, if I hadn't had the complications and the impending c/s hanging over me, would I have even gotten depressed in the first place? 

I'm still trying to process things... I'm totally in love with my baby girl, and things like bonding/attachment and breastfeeding are going very well... I do have the baby blues, and at this point I'm wondering if it's just the blues or if the cloud never fully went away, and it's settled again over me.  I know that with women having antenatal depression, they are at higher risk for post-partum.  How will I know what I'm dealing with?  I've already been receiving help during the third trimester, and I've got it available to me now, too.  However, I'm finding it hard to know what's what, you know what I mean?  I just want to feel better... How can I be so happy and delighted with my darling daughter, and yet feel so caught up in the grief over a pregnancy and birth didn't go as I had hoped and dreamed for, and instead turned into one where I thought that either me or my baby could die at any point if the previa caused major issues?  And, grief over feeling like I 'wrecked' part of my pregnancy, because I couldn't pull my socks up?  Also, feeling like a failure because most people, upon hearing that I had to have a c/s, would tell me that it was "nothing" to go through-- while I was so fearful of it?  (Some of my issues stem from childhood experiences from being hospitalized, and then later as a young adult, the trauma of seeing my brother who died in hospital.  The others come from feeling disempowered and not having any control over my body, and possibly being bowled over by the medical system.)  Also, I was often told that I should be just grateful that I had that medical care available to me... That the main goal was a healthy baby and mama, so I should just accept that 'it is what it is' and I needed to 'just get over it'.  The disappointing part, too,  was that one of my doctors wanted me to go on antidepressants, and two members of my midwife team even began pushing them on me, instead of helping me to work through my grief or suggest some natural/wholistic strategies.  It was like they didn't recognize that I was grieving... Only one of our midwives seemed to truly understand, and we were fortunate to be able to choose a date for the c/s for a time when she could be with DH and I.  Thank goodness we had her.  I mean, between her and the OB, and the wonderful staff at the hospital we were at, I have some pretty awesome memories given the circumstances.

I'm sorry if I have offended anybody in some way... I know that some of you are still trying to get a bfp, and here I am with my healthy DD... Don't get me wrong, I feel truly blessed to have her... I am completely grateful that I have her, I feel so fortunate.  That's actually what makes this feel so much worse-- I struggled with infertility, and then with being over 40, it was like a miracle that I got pregnant with her on our own-- I don't take anything for granted.  So yeah, this post is a happy announcement of my little girl's birth, and also, a plea for some help... I don't want to feel sad about this stuff for much longer, it's not fair to her or my DS or my DH.  So if anybody has been in a similar sitution and is willing to share their experiences, or even if you haven't, if you have some ideas, I would really appreciate it.  Thanks so much...

[WaturMama]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl, TenzinsMama!! Raya is a beautiful name!

I am sorry for all the struggles you have had. I had some depression and anxiety while I was pregnant, and it was really horrible. I learned a lot from it though. For me it had a lot to do with not being exposed to enough light (SAD) and feeling isolated. I figured that out and took care of those things, and the end of my pregnancy was much better too. I did not get post partum depression. You say many times in your post you think your feelings have a lot to do with grief. I think you can trust that. One thing I know about grief--relief and heart opening comes by actively dealing with it  (being so generous with your dear self about  breaks/escape moments along the way). Things like crying, talking to trusted people, talking to the Higher Power as you see it, nurturing yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Grief cracks your heart open. It is a form of connection. It seems like it could complement baby bonding time. It occurs to me that some of this may be another level of grief for your brother--what with the hospital and a new pair of siblings in your family. Maybe a talk with his spirit might help, too. I hope some of this helps.

I love that you were able to find a doctor in the last few weeks that you were more comfortable with. I was struck during my pregnancy that even in the depths of frightening depression/anxiety I could still make good choices for myself and my family. You too. It's good to know. I love that you were able to delay cord clamping and have skin-to-skin contact right away.

[gumblossom]

Congratulations Tenzin'smama on the birth of Raya.

Don't beat yourself up for these feelings. To feel grief,under your circumstances is perfectly normal,in my opinion. I think that you need to work through those feelings and I feel a little annoyed that the health care professionals want to give you anti-depressants, surely some counseling out to be considered before hitting the chemicals? Particularly if it is grief that is causing you to feel this way.

You have also just had a baby, so your hormones may be unstable - that in itself will exacerbate any feelings of sadness. I suffered PND after my first baby. I know now it was post traumatic stress disorder because his birth was a shambles, and nothing like I had planned.That, along with a very unhappy,colicky baby,gave me a rough time. The doctor wanted to put me on antidepressants, but I refused, and instead weaned my baby at 7 months,at his suggestion. I now think it was the wrong thing to do, and the stupid doctor ought to have suggested some counseling. I did feel the darkness lift after that, but I'm not sure why(and I am not suggesting that weaning is the answer, I would never do that now.)

After my last baby my midwife suggested I take a huge dose of fish oil daily - that it would help keep any unhappy feelings away. But I've since read a study that suggests it isn't as effective as first thought. I still take the fish oil though, because it has so many benefits. It certainly didn't hurt,and I think it helps with baby's brain development.
 

I hope the cloud lifts for you. Enjoy your beautiful baby.

[lovestolearn]

TenzinsMama~

Congrats on your new baby!

EFT (aka "tapping") may be helpful for you.  It is the main modality I use with my clients with birth trauma (and any birth that didn't go the way you expected/wanted can be traumatic.)  You can do it on your own, but working with a practitioner can be a lot faster.