Waturmama, thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me. I'm glad to hear that you didn't get postpartum depression after struggling with anxiety and depression during pregnancy. I know from reading posts on here for over a year now, just how much we want those bfps, and once we get them and to have some dark clouds hanging over us--oh, it just seems to be unfathomable to feel anything but joy during that time... For me, I love love love being pregnant-- I am thankful that it wasn't more than the 8 weeks or so where I was feeling at my worst with the anxiety and depression. But I do feel a lot of grief over that 8 weeks, and then having the major anxiety over the c/s. My anxiety was so high, there are moments that I cannot remember at all which I believe is because my brain kind of shut down (that, and the meds combined)-- I'm really sad that I do not remember breastfeeding my daughter for the first time, which would have been within the hour, once I got to Recovery. My husband took pictures of it, but I don't remember it at all.
Gumblossom, thank you as well for sharing. Going through a very difficult birth, one which veered so far away from what you had planned and hoped for, is so hard. I would never have understood that before, but I do now know what that means for a woman. And it is so difficult when it's not an easy time with baby... I do know that from my DS; he was colicky and cried a LOT that first year... tough! About the counseling and antidepressants in my case-- the counseling was always advocated for by those involved in my care, but it was always along with the antidepressants. I don't know, I guess they thought I was hit pretty hard and they wanted to make sure I got some things resolved-- especially since they were worried about it carrying on and into the post-natal period. I was just so hurt because the two midwives on the team we had pushed the drugs straight away-- they never even talked with me about holistic kinds of things... one of them even seemed to be rather uncomfortable with the depression and anxiety I was experiencing, and I felt was even impatient with me at one visit, to just deal with it and be done with it somehow. Even my DH sensed something strange about her reaction-- surprising, because she had been my favorite midwife of all, when DS was born two years ago (she was my primary). Oh, I definitely feel my hormones are unstable... I wonder if I should ask my doctor to test my thyroid? Or my iron?
Lovetolearn, I have had some brief exposure to EFT... Yes, I think it would be faster with a practitioner-- definitely easier, I think, too. When I was 31 weeks pregnant I took a full day workshop called Birthing With Love, and we tried a bunch of different things, including EFT. It was a great workshop; it was for those of us wanting to approach birth with love rather than fear... Unfortunately I found that I was the only woman of the 12 of us that was dealing with a scheduled c-section, so I kind of felt alone...and many of the birth affirmations, while awesome, were geared around vaginal births. But, I still got a lot of out of it. I would have liked to have explored the EFT a bit more, but I didn't get a chance to do that for the rest of the trimester and going into the birth. I have been working with a psychologist-- started just shortly before the c/s, and I have had a few sessions since then-- perhaps I can ask her about it. She has talked with me about having experienced trauma around this pregnancy and birth. Reading what you wrote about birth trauma, is helpful-- it is sinking in that this is what I have experienced, and maybe if I can accept it more that this is what happened for me, then maybe I can more easily accept the grief around it and then hopefully let it go. I have too many people in my life who don't see it as that, and it's making it hard for me to accept that I had a difficult time... and to accept myself... to forgive myself for my thoughts/feelings/actions that I'm not exactly proud of.
Thank you for the time and space to post my words here in this thread... I have since realized that there is a thread for Birth Trauma, C/S, and PostPartum... I do feel such a kinship with you ladies, and really, your words mean so much to me... I shall continue to work through this, all the while being thankful for my healthy little girl. I'm continuing to follow this thread and I wish you peace, love and happiness!
I'll likely go in for a beta hcg on Thursday and Saturday next week - I can't get in any earlier as I'm out in the 'burbs on a training course Monday-Wednesday. I'll test again at home on Monday with a digital just to confirm it's still positive as I don't want to continue taking the progesterone needlessly.
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