bras . . . . help!

[jrabbit]

DD is almost 12, about 95#.  she has clearly been going through puberty, lots of emotions. she has beast buds, and starting pubic hair.  she has not started her period, but I bet it is around the corner.  I don't honestly think she Needs a bra, but I want to be prepard when she Wants one.  for the record, I was wearing a 36  C in 9th grade, and I wore underwires til a few years ago (or nursingn bras).  now I wear only shelf-tanks or Blue Canoe organic sports bras. not the most attractive bra, but perfectly comfortable.

anyway, i have been trying to find her bras that she likes and would wear.  I will not force her to wear a bra, and I have told her that when she is ready, we will go shopping for something.  she wanted undershirts last summer, and I bought her several with 'shelfs', but she has stopped wearing them.  she is extremely private about. this subject and unbelievably modest (modesty is a new behavior, about a year ago).  if I try to talk to her about bras or periods or feelings, she shuts me out.

but back to the primary question.  why are ALL training bras padded???  I just can't bring myself to buy a padded bra.  I feel like they are too sexual for a preteen.  I can't seem to find anything else that she would be willing to wear, though.  she has tried sports bras or the little non-padded cotton bras that I can find occasionally, but she says she doesn't like them. she wants something that "looks" like a bra. 

i despise shopping, but when we look around, all we can find are paddd bras.  I don't really know where to look, though.

help!

--janis

[whatsnextmom]

I know that "lined" bras are popular but it's not the same as being padded. Yes, they look daunting on the rack all perky on their own but really, they don't seem all that different on. At least you don't have to worry about nipple showing through like with unlined bras.  They seem more solid and restrict unwanted movement unlike the bras we wore in middle school where all the girls on the school bus got used to masking our chests on rougher roads so the boys wouldn't tease about the bounce.

I thought they were weird at first too but my DD feels really comfortable in them and really, I don't notice a difference between when she wears the lined bras and when she's not. If these bras are not what your DD wants, you might need to order online as I know that outside sports bras, unlined bras are harder to find these days.

[karne]

Lots of girls are more comfortable in lined or lightly padded bras.  There's definitely elements of comfort and personal modesty that come into play.  Why don't you buy a variety of bras/camis/sports bras, and let your dd use what she wants?  My dd uses different bras with different types of shirts, so I know that the variety is important to her.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by jrabbit 

I can't seem to find anything else that she would be willing to wear, though.  she has tried sports bras or the little non-padded cotton bras that I can find occasionally, but she says she doesn't like them. she wants something that "looks" like a bra. 

i despise shopping, but when we look around, all we can find are paddd bras.  I don't really know where to look, though.

This isn't about you, it's about her and the changes in her body, which she most likely already feels uncomfortable with. Get her the bras she likes. It's HER body. Your attitude toward this will have an impact on how your relationship with her weathers the teen years.

[FarmerBeth]

DDs bras (10yo, definitely in puberty) are lined because it's what she likes.  She doesn't look any different or more "sexual" with them on, just less nipple showing through, which is probably why she likes them.  Also easier to deal with less bounce as her main sports are horse back riding and gymnastics.  I think if it's what your daughter likes you don't have to worry it will make her look older than her age or anything of the like.

[1xmom]

After reading your post, I feel like I could've written it about six months ago.  My daughter is 11 and was ready to go bra shopping.  I was definitely not ready to buy the padded bras, but after trying on a few, it was what she was most comfortable in.  She still wears the camis w/the shelf, a good bit, and she really doesn't look much different in them, sometimes I can't even tell which she has on.

[stefinMI]

Ok, so America is obsessed with big boobs.  But did you know that the padding in the training bras can be taken out without destroying the bras function?  And, they make training "bras" that are little more than a band aid with straps.  I feel your pain though, my little girl is now 15.  She also wears a 36 D.  

You know what?  When she's ready, really ready she'll let you know.  Just let her browse around the lingerie section of T Are Jay with $20 in her hands.  If my experience is what all girls feel, she won't buy it with you, not yet.  Mine would pick out the bras, BUT I had to carry them at the checkout.  Today, I can send her to buy her own at Victorias.

[Linda on the move]

Another thought, try to get over your dis-like of bra shopping. Both my DDs changed sized VERY quickly for a while. In order to keep them in undies, we had to go fairly often.

So far, our biggest issues have all been about size. Because one of my DDs is very busty, (she was D cup by the time she was 13, and is a DDD now at 15) just finding things that fit and provide appropriate support while being comfortable has been a MASSIVE issue. We have to shop at specialty stores. My other DD at one point was a 28C, which no one carries. Truly. Must be ordered on-line. I'm grateful she got a little little so she is now in a 34C, which is widely available.

But this is a size that may change a couple of times a year for the next few years, so just making peace with the process will help you stay calm and help your DD feel calmer about the changes in her own body, which can be fun and exciting and yet scary and a little out of control. I think the more we can develop a "this is all perfectly natural, everything is OK" attitude, the easier it is for our DDs.

[karne]

Our most recent bra shopping trip found us at a fancy underwear store where dd was properly measured, and there were many different options.  She's graduated from the Justice line of underwear, so it was time to find somewhere else to shop.  It was a really good experience, despite my cringing a little at what felt like over exposed, sexually oriented print models displaying the underwear.  We talked about that, and then just focused on the experience.  The dressing room was pretty, the display was pretty, and it felt to my dd like she was being pampered a little.  The saleswoman who helped us was really into showing different styles, which was fun for dd after she got over being a little embarrassed. 

I was happy with this because I want my dd to feel good about what she chooses to put on her body.  It can feel special to have nice underwear.  Getting properly measured was great to, because dd was actually fitted into a different, more appropriate, and comfortable size.

[Bekka]

There are definitely some bras that are padded and supposed to make it more "push up style," but there are also bras that are more like "lined with a thin layer of foam rubber."  This is not the same as a padded bra; It's just a more structured cup.  You have to look around, but we found several styles she liked, both underwire and no wire, at Target.  After trying on several sizes, she was a 34 C; I kept underestimating.  And not shop in the "girls'" section anymore, which is a reality check...  :)

[mom2grrls]

I got some Hanes bras for my daughter from walmart.com in an XS.  They are bras but not padded.  They were $10.

[Tigerchild]

Another voice saying to please please be careful about projecting your sexuality fears onto the bras.

When breast buds first appear and are rapidly growing, they can hurt!  Having a layer of protection (a lining) between them and a shirt or dress can keep her more comfortable.  They also point and "stick out" through clothing--not many people will notice, but if she is conscious SHE will notice.  Lining eliminates that.  Shelf bras in camis or the quarter-undershirts that are sold as "bras" don't help with either problem for a lot of girls.

My DD had breast buds appear a little before her 8th birthday.  She has small breasts now and the beginnings of a (slim) figure and she is still 2 months away from her 10th birthday.  She doesn't have a big sense of modesty (she's still very much 9, and has always been on the emotionally 'young' side for her age), but she is more comfortable in the lined (which is what you are thinking of as padded, I think--I've never seen a pushup bra for tweens--the padding is unevenly distributed in push up bras to push the breasts upwards and give you more cleavage--, and most bras with any kind of support have molded, lined cups no matter what size they are).

I would also say that if you've never talked to her about period stuff or puberty stuff you MUST do it ASAP.  Not a Big Talk;  and if she's shy about it you're going to want to do it somewhere where she doesn't have to look you in the face if she doesn't want to (for us, driving around on errands is a great time to do this, as well as giving us one on one time).  You can even say that you think she seems uncomfortable about the subject, and it's okay to be nervous or have mixed feelings, you did too when this first started happening with you.  Don't make her have a back and forth conversation with you if she doesn't want to, nor should you wait until she wants to do that to talk to her about it.  Get her some books (though I bet you have already!).  Put them in her nightstand drawer (or other private place) and let her know that they are there for her to read (or not) whenever she wants to (and you're not going to give her a pop quiz ;>.  Eventually you'll want to either put a "period kit" together with her or for her, but you probably have at least some time for that.  Some kids just don't want to have a back and forth conversation about it, and that's okay.  DD hasn't been interested in discussing things with me back and forth, the only thing she was really excited about was putting together her cool period kit this summer, but I have not heard a word out of her before or since, even though I know she devoured all the puberty books that I got for her. 

But whether you or she is comfortable with it, her body is changing, and she does need to know what to expect.  It's embarrassing to talk about it now, but not talking about it won't make it less embarrassing if she gets her first period at school without any idea of what to do/expect.

[Ruth S]

"This isn't about you, it's about her and the changes in her body, which she most likely already feels uncomfortable with. Get her the bras she likes. It's HER body. Your attitude toward this will have an impact on how your relationship with her weathers the teen years."

Why such an aggressive reply?  The OP had a perfectly valid question that many of us with daughters have struggled with and would like/would have liked to have support for.

[mamazee]

Padded bras are popular because they're more modest, which seems ironic but really it takes some padding to camoflauge the breast buds, and a lot of girls like that.

I'd just take her out and let her get what she wants, if she's open to going out. It's important for her to like it, even if you don't, because kids this age can have such unease with their bodies.

[mommm]

I have seen push-up totally padded bras for tweens (in canada at La Senza girl, a jr version of our lingerie store)...  I think they're awful, and oversexualized.

But what about sports bras that do up?  That could be cool.

And walmart, target, and all of your department stores should sell them.  A lot of those stores will let you buy and return (check first) so she can try them on at home.  :)

I don't personally think that kids should buy from lingerie stores until they're old enough to spend their own money - it feels wrong - but we're all different.  And I'm not a prude, I just know how many 11-15 year olds are having sex, and how tough it is for them.

[karne]

Originally Posted by mommm 

I don't personally think that kids should buy from lingerie stores until they're old enough to spend their own money - it feels wrong - but we're all different.  And I'm not a prude, I just know how many 11-15 year olds are having sex, and how tough it is for them.

I am not a fan of overly done, super sexualized lingerie stores, BUT, we were fortunate to have a nice, local store that was the best place for measuring, fitting, selection.  

[QueenSheba'sMom]

Wow, I'm really glad I read this. I've been a big fan of the gap bras- plain cotton, simple, not curling, ... And freaked out by the padded ones. But it really makes sense that the padding would offer extra protection and padding.

Thanks!

[sparklefairy]

Beast buds? Are those the beginnings of horns? Should I be checking their heads?

[andromedajulie]

I appreciate hearing that the purpose of the padded bras is for added comfort and so the nipple doesn't show. I, too, was freaked out about the padded-ness..

[Cyllya]

I don't think a bra can sexualize its wearer. I mean, it's just a boob cover/support garment. We're all quick to say, "Breasts aren't sex objects!" any time we see some pervert equate breastfeeding to some kind of pedophilic foreplay, so I don't think it makes much sense to turn around and tell 10-year-old girls, "Your breasts are sex objects whether you like it or not, so you'd better avoid doing anything that might emphasize them--even at the cost of your own comfort."

If your own past/culture/upbringing/background/whatever causes you to be squicked out by the bras she wants, hand her some cash and wait in the parking lot until she buys them herself.

Even if they are actual "push-up" bras, I don't think anyone would notice the difference unless she's wearing a very low-cut shirt or it's a person who normally makes close observation of her breasts. I don't where bras, but I found push-up bras very comfortable when I did. The extra padding on the underside of the cup was nice when the bra starts to get looser over the day.... So anyway, even if your kid wears a lacy push-up bra, she doesn't suddenly become a slut.