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Dealing with heartbreak and depression... - Page 2

post #21 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Italiamom View Post

 

Fast forward to last night.  A woman that I've been friends with for a few years made some really hurtful statements on Facebook.  Really hurtful.  Including dismissing people who have had a natural birth, stay home vs. work, use cloth diapers, and breastfeed "for too long."  She dismissed them all as being grounded in "competing and one-upping" other moms.  ????  I saw these statements, which were supposedly not directed at me, and I lost my marbles.  In my already very gray cloud of depression and anxiety, what she said did not help.

 

If I can't be proud of my daughter's birth, if I can't be proud of staying home, if I can't be proud that I still breastfeed my son (despite my own freaking discomfort), then what do I have to be proud of?  This woman has a great job, a good education, a bright kid who goes to a good private school, a fantastic body, and...  The few things that I am working so hard to accomplish, are just me competing.

 

I am so hurt.  I feel so overwhelmed with hurt.  I feel like we live in a world that doesn't value mothers at all.  I am *just* a mother.  And that's really getting me down, because it's been the major obstacle in maintaining friendships.  It's why I've lost my friends.  I became just a mom.  I am only good enough for my children.  And it hurts so badly.

 

 


Michelle-  I am really sorry to hear that you are hurting so much.  I agree with you that we live in a society that doesn't value mothers.  I wish there was more support for mothers to just be mothers.  You should feel proud of your accomplishments and that you and your family have been able to make it possible to "just" be a mother, which is, in my opinion one of the most important jobs around (and it isn't easy).  I have to say that I am a little jealous because I dearly want to be "just" a mother, but currently I have to work at least a little.  I don't believe that you making decisions about what is best for you family, kids, and you is competing it is simply doing what is best in order to raise wonderful kids.  In our society I don't believe we recognize or value the benefits of having a stay at home parent for the early years of childhood.  I believe that we hear over and over the importance of working and that daycares/school/other people taking care of your kids are good for a wide range of reasons.  To me, most of this sounds like looking at the positives so that people don't have to feel bad, which makes sense and I do this some or else I feel awful about having to work.  However, this should not undervalue the benefits and importance of having a SAHP, which is what I believe has happened in our society.  Feel proud of your accomplishments your are doing a great job and are a wonderful mother.

 

I don't know if it would work out, but I am going to be visiting my family around xmas time in Portland.  Maybe we could get together for coffee or something like that caffix.gif

 

post #22 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by earth-mama View Post
 I have to say that I am a little jealous because I dearly want to be "just" a mother, but currently I have to work at least a little. 


truedat.gif    it is a wonderful gift to give to your kids.

 

I love my job, i stayed in school for most of my adult life to be able to do what I do...but yet it does not stop me from crying every time I find myself telling Sofie that mama will never leave her, cuz i do for 8 hours 3 days a week...

 

Yes, it is a sacrifice to stay home for your little ones but it is part of being a parent that in our society is not supported unless you make it happen. And you made it happen!

post #23 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by elove View Post



truedat.gif    it is a wonderful gift to give to your kids.

 

I love my job, i stayed in school for most of my adult life to be able to do what I do...but yet it does not stop me from crying every time I find myself telling Sofie that mama will never leave her, cuz i do for 8 hours 3 days a week...

 

Yes, it is a sacrifice to stay home for your little ones but it is part of being a parent that in our society is not supported unless you make it happen. And you made it happen!

Thanks, we are working on it.  The main issue is that I have a decent amount in student loans and we want to get the higher interest one paid off, or at least a good chunk of it paid.  I am also looking into a job/jobs that I might enjoy more so i don't feel as bad leaving the kids.  I am in a pretty good position as I can actually quit my job if I need to (it's high stress) and we won't be in a financial bind and DP is supportive of this--which is good.  We'll see what the next few months bring. 
 

 

post #24 of 34

Dearest Michelle, I am so sorry to hear that you're struggling with a heavy heart. I know how difficult it can be. I only wish I knew the way to find instant relief.

 

As so many mamas here have stated, I've always appreciated your posts and have felt a comfort in, and connection to, your sincerity and wisdom. You have so much to offer - writing, advising, etc...I know that may not make you feel better at the moment, but that's something you've got that's wonderful and any friend should count themselves lucky to know you.

 

I agree with Peony and Elove that perhaps your friend on FB has issues of her own, and that if she was at a place of peace she wouldn't be writing such things online...

 

I got pregnant a bit late in life. It wasn't something I had seen for myself years ago. I have changed so much in my life to make it happen, and I am just appalled when I see the number that some women pull on each other when it comes to issues like breastfeeding and working...

 

Regarding work, I've been doing it so long it feels so different to be at home now...and yet, I'm grateful to have this opportunity. I have worked in many places and gotten somewhat far in the field I was in, yet nothing I ever did felt nearly as difficult or intense as taking care of my baby. But that's just my experience. Ask someone else and she may feel differently, or she may not have the options I do, etc.

 

As for FB, I never joined. I had a red alert early on - just when FB started becoming popular my boss asked if I was on it. This was a man I'd never, everrrrrrr want to have anything to do with IRL, but if I were to join FB I'd have to friend him for the sake of decorum/job security. And it got me thinking - do I really want to live my life in public like that? So I can see how being on there could be alienating or cause rifts that might not occur so easily IRL...because, it's not.


Edited by Ree Tee - 11/16/11 at 3:26am
post #25 of 34

Michelle, sorry to hear you're going through this. hug2.gif

 

 

post #26 of 34

I see this is an old thread. I just wanted to offer my support and give hugs. hug2.gif It is so hard for friendships to drastically change or disappear altogether. Just keep being you and know that you deserve better. I'm a believer that growth spurts often hurt for a time, and I think that's what so many of us are feeling: periods of immense growth. It's so hard in the darkness to have faith that good things are coming and brighter days are near. But it's the very darkness that causes us to seek the light.

 

post #27 of 34

Hi! DDC crashing though I lurked in yours often as I was due at the end of July. My babe was born Aug 1st :) so I have officially joined after feeling really bummed for some of these same reasons you speak of now. My DDC group has up and moved entirely to FB and I was feelin really alone here. Coincidently this was the first thread I saw and read. I just wanted to add that I deleted my account right around the time I got pregnant with this babe~ I have never felt more free, more real, more clear and less divided attention wise. What you mentioned OP was the kind of things that led my days and late nights into self scrutinizing and resentful thoughts about people I could or should really care less about. Or at least whatever they are willing to offer up to the webworld. I felt like it became this impersonal personhood, where I knew all this un-neccsary info and put out effort and info that never bounced back in any sort of meaningful way. It was hard at first, to lose contacts and picture sharing, but I realized later that the friendships and people that were real and worthwhile still called, still cared, still exsisted outside this little box. It was great for my mind. I used the time that I used to dwell on this and that to be creative, to read, to introspect again. I would suggest it to anyone feeling bogged down by that kind of nothingness, especially if you say it is turning into negativeness~

 

and fwiw, I moved on from almost all of my pre-kid friends when i had my first 7 years ago. Now most of my close friends are mama friends and there is still only a few that I can honestly relate with. I think that might just come with getting older too though. I will be 30 and feel like the 20sumthin crowd is too full of drama, the kind that is not kid kind. Maybe a mom's group focousing on natural parenting etc is a good place to start. I found some nice mama's when we started Kindergarten at oour local charter school...Surround yourself with love and goodness mamas~ It's nice to say hi and meet you here though!

post #28 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by stellabluz View Post

Hi! DDC crashing though I lurked in yours often as I was due at the end of July. My babe was born Aug 1st :) so I have officially joined after feeling really bummed for some of these same reasons you speak of now. My DDC group has up and moved entirely to FB and I was feelin really alone here. Coincidently this was the first thread I saw and read. I just wanted to add that I deleted my account right around the time I got pregnant with this babe~ I have never felt more free, more real, more clear and less divided attention wise. What you mentioned OP was the kind of things that led my days and late nights into self scrutinizing and resentful thoughts about people I could or should really care less about. Or at least whatever they are willing to offer up to the webworld. I felt like it became this impersonal personhood, where I knew all this un-neccsary info and put out effort and info that never bounced back in any sort of meaningful way. It was hard at first, to lose contacts and picture sharing, but I realized later that the friendships and people that were real and worthwhile still called, still cared, still exsisted outside this little box. It was great for my mind. I used the time that I used to dwell on this and that to be creative, to read, to introspect again. I would suggest it to anyone feeling bogged down by that kind of nothingness, especially if you say it is turning into negativeness~

 

and fwiw, I moved on from almost all of my pre-kid friends when i had my first 7 years ago. Now most of my close friends are mama friends and there is still only a few that I can honestly relate with. I think that might just come with getting older too though. I will be 30 and feel like the 20sumthin crowd is too full of drama, the kind that is not kid kind. Maybe a mom's group focousing on natural parenting etc is a good place to start. I found some nice mama's when we started Kindergarten at oour local charter school...Surround yourself with love and goodness mamas~ It's nice to say hi and meet you here though!


Hi! Welcome to our DDC. Our club ROCKS! Absolutely!

 

post #29 of 34
Thread Starter 

Thank you ladies, again, for all your kind replies.  Really.  I cannot count how many times now your words have carried me through a dark day, week, entire pregnancy...

 

I am really struggling with the end of the relationship that I spoke about earlier up thread.  Really, really struggling.  I am very, very depressed.  And this has just thrown me for a complete loop.  I truly loved this woman.  Despite differences in the ways that we may do things, I have nothing but respect for this mama.  She works incredibly hard.  She is a gentle, thoughtful mom.  If she is willing to snark at me, what kind of message am I portraying to other mothers?  What kind of message am I sending to my friends that they think these things of me.  If people think that I breastfeed my toddler, or had natural births out of a place of competition, and not LOVE, then I'm somehow presenting myself in a way that is completely wrong.  I don't want to be a person that others feel judged by.  I am (was) proud of my births, and my commitment to breastfeeding.  But those births were grueling.  The same goes with breastfeeding a toddler.  NOT A PICNIC.  But I've lost two other friends under similar circumstances, and...  It has to be me.  It just has to.  One person, sure.  But three?  I'm doing something wrong.

 

And it has just made my rainy day so much darker.  I was really just kind of hanging on to my lifeline and floating along, and I feel like this breakup was me getting sucker punched.  It's totally making me lose my grip, and I'm just so sad about it.  I never, never meant to hurt someone, you know?  My choices were never made to hurt anyone, or to one-up anyone.  I know quite a few mamas who have had very, very medical births who far far far and away trump me in the awesome mommy category.  Some of these moms never even tried to breastfeed.  They're still amazing moms.  I just...  I feel so terrible about it.

 

On the flipside, I've felt an immense relief in letting go of Facebook.  I'm not constantly checking and worrying, wondering if anyone cares at all about my day-to-day.  They don't care, but at least I'm not putting energy into my unimportance.  I can focus on other things.

post #30 of 34

Obviously, I don't know you IRL, but I don't think your attitude or anything you've ever said/done in the year that I've "known" you online has come across pretentious or preachy.  I know what you're feeling, but honestly it isn't your fault.  You aren't responsible for other's feelings.  You didn't do anything to purposely hurt anyone.  I think as AP mamas, we tend to live in a bubble, and not realize that 98% of other mamas out there do things very differently.  I'm always shocked when I peek into the real world.  Yes, we are different.  Yes, we are proud.  But it's b/c we achieved goals, or are working towards goals.  We don't just do what people tell us to do.  We aren't ok with how the world is.

Don't let these ppl get you down.  I get it, I do, but it really isn't going to change anything to be upset about it.  You are still going to love your kids and talk about your wonderful births, and meet new friends and grow as a person -- and help them grow as people.  Take this as a learning experience.  Not everyone can handle what we do.  Not everyone agrees with our choices.  And that's ok.  It has to be ok.  You'll make peace with this, I know it.

post #31 of 34
I agree 1,000,000% with Carrie. You are such a sweet genuinely caring person. The fact that you think it was your fault shows that even more. Keep your chin up!
post #32 of 34

Italiamom, I say this lovingly. It isn't your fault. Seriously. We each have to make decisions as parents, very personal decisions. Honestly, my children are more important to me than my friends or their opinions. I'm going to do right by my children. If others don't like the choices I make, well, they don't have a say. And I'm going to keep doing right by my children, for my children. I'm going to keep being the mom that I know and feel in my heart I need to be. Friends who can't accept my parenting choices may be lost along the way. And hopefully more friends will be found. But honestly, well, honestly, I don't have many friends to lose these days. They kind of drifted away over time, I suppose. But I have lost friendships in the past, one very special friendship and for different reasons. It hurt and it still hurts when I think about it. But I guess what I want to say to you is that if you push through the pain, the darkness, the lost friendships, and remember that you've done nothing wrong, if you persevere you will find the light. You will find like-minded mamas IRL, no less, who will  accept you as you are. Your choices won't intimidate them or make them feel bitterly toward you. And you will feel the light and the glory and the support that you currently feel lacking. I believe that. There's nothing wrong with being proud of a job well done. I hope that you seek out friends IRL who appreciate your contributions, strengths and sensitivities as much as I know we all do here.

 

I say much of this to myself, as well. Somehow it's easier to see the good, the strength in others than in oneself. I struggle with that. ... I'm sorry that you've lost friends. I truly am. But I think that it's a reflection of them and where they are personally in their lives and growth. You haven't done anything wrong. If your being proud of your parenting decisions causes another to feel insecure with her own decisions, that's on her, not you. She needs to work through that. You need to work through the loss of the friendship, and that's hard enough. Blaming yourself for the loss will only hurt you more, and it isn't your faulthug2.gif

 

I hope I made some semblance of sense here. It is late and I am so very tired...

post #33 of 34

Again, I only have a minute, hopefully I can come back later.  A secure mother is not challenged by what her friends do or do not do. A crunchy, AP mom might go home and think about the baby that is left to CIO and choose to distance herself because it is difficult for her to witness parenting practices that she considers damaging to the child. A mother who is telling herself that not BF or CIO does not matter at all, can feel challenged if she truly doesn't believe what she is doing is correct. That is where snark comes in, from wounded feelings, perceiving an attack where there is not one because she feels insecure

 

I hope that makes sense. I've seen this time and time again. Now there are some judging AP moms of "you didn't BF 50 times a day for the required 4 years" or something similar, and they may feel the need to shout about it from the rooftops but you are not one of those. Your friend has taken out her insecurities on you because she feels challenged by what you do with your children. So mourn the loss of your friendship, that is a true, real loss, but STOP thinking that this is all your fault. 

post #34 of 34

Peony, I really like what you have to say! I've actually experiences that before.

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