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Weekly chat Nov 14-21 - Page 3

post #41 of 69
Originally Posted by justKate View Post


One thing I need to start thinking about is whether I want a doula, and how much I'm comfortable paying.  My doula last time didn't really help at all.  Granted, she was in training and free, but she wasn't what I needed at all.  I need someone who is confident but warm, assertive and straightforward.  Someone who won't let me push them aside and will make me listen.  Its tough, because I'm sort of a b!tch when I'm hurting or sick.  And of course I'm still hoping that this baby will just fall out on the floor while I'm making dinner one evening at like 39 weeks, and I won't have to worry about any of this!




I laughed so much at this last statement. And I actually have weighed the thought of having a doula, but I am going to probably not have one. I have a great set of midwives and I am giving birth in a hospital with DH, my mother, and best friend (who is extremely supportive and involved) there. I am generally looking to my best friend and DH to provide that comfort and straightforwardness that I know I will need. How much would a doula cost?




Zuzu- That is wonderful! This woman sounds like a really great person to have looking out for you and yours. We had a Korean exchange student, who we haven't seen in years but still keep in contact with. When she found out I was pregnant, she immediately wanted to know when she should send her package of "baby clothes for my nephew or niece!" She is now a nurse and wants weekly updates about my pregnancy via facebook. ;)




So I don't go in for my next appointment until November 30th to find out the sex of the baby. But amazingly today my midwife called me (on her day off) to check on me and see how I was doing! This is why I love my midwives and will probably never see on OBGYN again. She really made my day.

post #42 of 69

well In Kate's instance she knows that she can be difficult when in pain, and honestly you will be in pain. I guess for a first time mom it would be hard. I knew what I wanted in labor the first time but I had no clue what labor would be like.  I wasn't even sure if I would know when I was in labor! so that's a good question.

post #43 of 69

I'm going to get a Doula.  Not just for pain support, but for emotional support too.  My husband probably won't get to be at the birth (he's in the army and could be away at a training, we don't know yet) and I don't want to do it alone.  Even if he is there, I think it would be good for him since he won't read any labor support books nor does he really have the time at the moment (he's been away at a lot of week long trainings and is usually only home for the weekend). 


I actually had an interview with one tomorrow but had to reschedule.  My son has something, not sure what, that is causing him to break out in what looks like potential chicken pox spots on his face, a bit on his arms, and his legs.  It's not a lot so I'm really not sure what it is, but we have an appointment with the ped. tomorrow to find out.  If it is something like the chicken pox or who knows what, I didn't want her to become a carrier when she helps deliver babies or even come down with it herself. 


A good book on how to interview a doula is "The Doula Connection," I found it at our library.  It was really helpful.

post #44 of 69

I love that food craving chart--thanks Moss.  


A few weeks ago I had an insatiable craving for Coca Cola (i thought about typing Coke and wondered if that would be misinterpreted!!)  I stopped drinking soda and any type of carbonated beverage years ago (soda for obvious reasons, but I found any carbonation aggravated or even triggered my reflux) except occasional juice kefir which is lightly carbonated.  Anyway...I tried carbonated water for the craving, that didn't help, I tried other types of soda-like things but the only thing that would help was a gulp of (caffeine-free) coca-cola.  Then I would go about my day and have another urge for it...and another...and another.  I started wondering what might be triggering that and realized I'd also simultaneously been feeling like I wasn't getting enough calcium from my rather limited diet.  I wondered if in some strange way, my body wanted the strong acids in the soda to break down the enamel on my teeth (or something?!?!) to free up some calcium.  I started taking a calcium supplement and the craving went away completely.  Weird...and maybe a coincidence...but weird.  Though that food craving chart does say soda = calcium!


(Ordinarily I would choose food to supplement my diet over supplements but presently food and the idea of it aren't agreeing with me too frequently still.)

post #45 of 69

Zuzu, I think its awesome that the neighbor woman has taken to you.  And how wonderful that the community is so giving! 



Originally Posted by RosieL View Post

Can you tell me more about how the doula wasn't what you needed? Did the fact that you weren't paying her have anything to do with it? We are meeting with a doula-in-training tomorrow night to see if she's a good fit. Since I don't know what I will need and want during labor, I feel like I'm going in pretty blind. Any advice would be welcome. As a point of notw: I will have DH, two midwives, an a student midwife. The doula would add a six person to the home birth.

No, the fact that I wasn't paying didn't really mean anything.  She worked for Healthy Start and wasn't allowed to accept any income for doula-ing, for some reason.  I donated $300 to Healthy Start as a "thank you."  I was a prosecutor at the time, and I had a case with her husband, who was a cop in town.  I figured that since he was easy going, assertive, and a straight-talker, that she would be too.  I'm not sure that I really effectively communicated my needs--and my birth was pretty bad.


Things I DID like--she seemed really knowledgeable, got along well with DH, responded quickly to my texts/calls before I went to the hospital at 7:00 a.m. on Friday.  She came right away, and brought breakfast for DH. All day Friday she basically just sat there and observed. She helped hold my legs for the three hours that I was pushing with no feeling. irked.gif  She stayed through my c-section at 3:00 a.m. on Saturday, then went home and came back to the hospital Sunday a.m. to check on us.  They were preparing to airlift DD to a hospital in another city with a NICU, and she was really comforting through that drama.


Things I DIDN'T like--after arriving, she sort of just observed my labor.  I was looking for someone to be more actively engaged in helping me manage pain.  I had no stomach pain at all--just back labor, so maybe she didn't know what to do with that.  DH was also more help than I expected. He held the bucket for me to puke, helped me clean up, got me things I asked for and followed my birth plan as well as he could.  So maybe there wasn't that much for her to do.  She was zero help as far as offering alternatives to the pain relief offered by the hospital.  DH didn't want to see me in pain and ended up encouraging it, which was not what I wanted at all. 


Things I will look for this time:

--someone knowledgeable about pain meds, because If I have back labor again I will need meds

--willing to tell me the truth, even if its not what I want to hear

--willing to get in between DH and the nurses and speak up if its something that is going to F me up

--make suggestions for my comfort/pain relief even if I don't ask for them


Just to clarify, the only option other than UC (which I'm not comfortable with) at the time was this hospital.  The two midwives in town only attended births at this hospital.  They had agreed with each other not to do homebirths and the birth center had closed a year or two earlier.  I did end up with my awesome midwife, who came in even though she wasn't supposed to be on call.  She had tears in her eyes when she told me it was time for a section, and I feel confident that she did everything she could to get DD out, and that I would have been a transfer turned-even-earlier-c-section if I had attempted to UC.


Originally Posted by Thursday Girl View Post

well In Kate's instance she knows that she can be difficult when in pain, and honestly you will be in pain. I guess for a first time mom it would be hard. I knew what I wanted in labor the first time but I had no clue what labor would be like.  I wasn't even sure if I would know when I was in labor! so that's a good question.

I had no idea I was in labor with DD, even though it was on her due date.  I thought I was just having back cramps and that I had overdone it that day.  I didn't really know what it was until about 4 hours later when the back pain got serious.  **shudder**  As for how to know what you'll need--it is hard.  Basically the characteristics of my midwife that I loved, that's what I should have looked for in a doula.  I don't want to be coddled and treated like a sick person, or a big baby.  Just tell me what I need to do (or what I can try) to make this easier.  And don't talk to me like I'm stupid, I hate that.  Just because I'm crying or puking doesn't mean I'm an invalid.  That's sort of the attitude I'm looking for....


Courtney, SUCH good news about your lump.  And it makes sense, but it is hard not to worry about that sort of thing.  If I lived in your area I would definitely love to have you at my birth!  You'll make a great doula or midwife.


cskey, doulas around here run $350--$550, from what I can find online and through ICAN. Usually the more experienced ones charge on the higher end of that. That's to be available the week before and the week after your due date, and is usually not refundable if you are lucky enough to have the baby before they arrive.  I think they like you to pay half up front and half a month or two before you're due.  Another reason I wanted one (and sort of want one again but am undecided) is that I don't have any female support nearby.  At least not anyone that I want at my birth--especially my mom. 






post #46 of 69

Courtney--that is good news about the lump.  Hope you are able to relax and let it slip from your mind until after pregnancy.


Zuzu--wow, that is so amazing about the way your neighbor is able to help you.  I know people like that and it truly comes from their heart.  And I think you're right about the cultural difference and pregnancy (not to mention many family-related things)--many of my in-laws and friends who come from other countries wouldn't think twice about helping out in that way but my WASP-y relatives and friends have difficulties getting so involved, personally, in others' lives, even if they want to help in some way.


About the Doula--I wish I'd had one last time for my 1st child's birth.  I was doing a hospital birth, DH was really no help at all (he needed as much support as me, if not more, unfortunately), I hadn't gotten my self-confidence about mothering/birth, etc.  I ended up having a great nurse who helped out a lot and even stayed past her shift because I was so close to delivering but having a consistent advocate for me would have been great.  This time, we're doing a homebirth, I'm in a completely different place personally, I have 2 midwives and one apprentice midwife, my mom will be here for DD, and I've realized I have no problem shooing everyone out of my space and laboring/delivering alone (an unassisted birth would be my ideal but I'm also ok with the great support of my midwives whom I really like!)  I think a doula in my case would be overkill but if I were back in the hospital with no other support, I'd go for it!  Now choosing one--that would be difficult if this were your first child.  What I found out about myself was that I didn't know how to listen to my inner voice very well and voice those concerns...if I'd had someone who could sense that I was trying to be a 'good patient' while going against my instincts, that would have been a dream!  But I don't know how I would have known that and could have just as well ended up with someone who pushed their own agenda or couldn't dig deep enough to help me vocalize my feelings.  I would say it would be important to find someone who is very intuitive about others and also good at advocating for their patient.

post #47 of 69

going into birth the first time is strange.  Like I said I wasn't sure what to expect, and once things got rolling I thought they were further along then they were. The hospital was no help they just kept sending me home because I wasn't dilated. It would have been nice to have anyone who had seen a labor before to just let me know where we were at, what I could expect,etc. I ended up laboring through the night by myself. Hubs was asleep and I didn't want to wake him  since there had been so many "false alarms" but it was kind of nice. I did wake him up early in the morning to help me when things got tougher. Probably around 6 am.  She was born right before noon. They did offer me a doula for free in the hospital but all I did there was push so all she did was hold one of my legs and maybe she told me I was doing a good job.


Okay from remembering my first birth story I wanted someone who had seen birth and could estimate where we were. I also wanted someone to calm me down during transition. Someone who could have said "it's okay, all women feel like that. You can do this, women have been doing it for centuries" instead my mom, the nurse, and Hubs said "too late" when I said I was sacred and I wasn't sure if I could do it. that only terrified me MORE. I remember being REALLY REALLY scared when I was at the hospital and going into push. She was born about half an hour after we got to the hospital that time.


A lot of Doula's are there to intervene with Scared husbands, even to guide husbands and help them be the ones who can teach the partner how to do different pain management techniques. We aren't allowed to advocate for you but we can remind you of what you wanted and mention things in order to help you fully think through a choice the hospital/midwife?etc is offering.  In Kate's case she should have been offering different positions and techniques to relieve pain. I can sort of understand that she was standing back b/c your Hubs was helping, but she could have taught him a few things.


god, I know I should edit that because it was typed haphazardly and my thoughts are jumbled but my kids think it's time for me to get off the computer.

post #48 of 69
Thread Starter 

Courtney- yay about the benign lump, I had a lump that I had to have biopsied only a couple of weeks after DS was born and it was stupid because everyone was being overly cautious but they wouldn't even do a fine needle aspiration, instead, they did a core biopsy because no one was familiar with lactating breasts. I kept telling them that the lump was right where DS's mouth closed really tight and that it was probably just something related to that. He is/was tongue tied and I had a lot of experience with lactation before he was born. Still, it was that whole what if part that made me go forward with it, just ended up being some blood and milk that had been damaged. What I am trying to say is that I am glad yours was nothing to worry about and I am glad you have people around that know how to watch it.


As far as the doula and what to expect with your first birth- I made up loose plans and while labor is intense, you do not become a completely different person.  Just think about how you like things under stress or in pain.  Do you want more people around you or do you want to be by yourself? Do you want noise or do you want it quiet?  I am the type of person that is not very vocal, likes support from people I am close to, and typically turns inward to deal with things.  For labor, I had planned on some calmer music that was not sleep music but not hyper.  When I get intense (like studying) I prefer for the stimulation around me to be minimal or else I get into an overload.  I had my mom, DH, doula (who is a friend), sisters (2), and my midwife.  However, I made sure everyone knew that if I changed my mind *or if my husband did* then they all had to get out with no hurt feelings, even if the baby was crowning.  The people that I used the most for support were DH, my sister, and my mw.  My friend didn't get my phone call until later but made it in time for birth.  My sister ended up being my doula in the sense that she timed contractions and took over getting things ready and calling the mw.  My labor went relatively fast.  My water broke and I was immediately in active labor with contractions every 2-3 min apart.  Right about the second I realized I was in labor was when it was intense.  My point is this, while you can't know what your labor will be like or what to expect exactly, you do have an idea about what you like, what your care about most for your labor/birth, and what your partner is like and what he will need.  I knew my DH would need someone that was experienced and in charge just to let him know what was going on.  When I was moving into the fourth hour of pushing, I also needed someone that could reassure me that things were normal without freaking out.  Oh, and I never used any of that music lol, never had time to turn it on!  I also didn't care about the low lighting but did care about people being noisy and talking.  I think you want someone that understands what you want and will help you accomplish it the best that they can.

post #49 of 69

I had to laugh about the fish sticks.  I have not been craving anything but am running low on raw milk and won't be able to get more until next week so decided to have sardines for lunch for the calcium.  Instead of the normal sardines on crackers I am making fried sardine cakes.  Yummy!

post #50 of 69

Thank you thank you thank you ladies for expressing your feelings about doulas, going into birth for the first time, and how to consider what you're like as a person to indicate what it'll be like to deal with labor. I feel like I've gained so many new perspectives and can work through so many questions that I was just left staring blankly at before. THANKS. We interview a potential doula tomorrow and I'm excited about it now, rather than fearful I won't know what to ask or discuss. 

post #51 of 69

I hired a doula today!  Stoked!  In montreal there are only two birthing centres and only about 2% of women who want midwives actually get them.  I'm on the waiting list but am coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to have a hospital birth... which I'm not 100% against as long as I maintain control and have people advocating for me and the birth that dh and I want.  I was also concerned we wouldn't be able to afford a doula, but I am very lucky to have an aquaintance who works as a doula and I met with her today.  She has a very generous sliding scale for pricing because she feels as though women should really have access to doulas if they want one... which is awesome.  We talked for a long time and I have always felt comfortable around her in my years of knowing her which was a major plus.  Other things that sealed the deal were that she seems to be the same crunchiness as me, so to speak, she really understands my lifestyle which i feel is unconventional enough that i would be worried about judgement from a doula if she were a stranger and she is only a few years older than I am yet despite her relative youth was really knowledgable about everything.  the number one thing, i have to say though was just the comfort level that we had just talking to each other about life and expectations.  sorry to blabber on and on but i am SO excited and feel like this is one thing i really needed to feel more confident in my pregnancy.

post #52 of 69

Congratulations tarabelle! It's great you found a match. :) We are meeting with a potential doula this evening and I'm excited and nervous. My birth already sounds crowded, but I'm considering her for two reasons. First, she's in training and needs births, and I'd like a doula. Second, I think she may serve as basically my partner's support. If DH likes her and feels like she would help him help me through labor, then she's in! :)

post #53 of 69

We have a doula hired already, though we have not had one before. Our doula taught the 8 week natural childbirth class we took last time, and she is highly recommended by our midwife. We want her here and the midwife wants her here. It will be good!


We had our u/s today. I am very slightly disappointed but quite a bit relieved to learn we are having one baby, not twins, which were suspected. We did not find out the gender. I also found out that I have a posterior placenta, which I figured based on all the movement I am feeling. So far, all things look like a go ahead for another homebirth. I don't know the complete results from the scan. They will be sent to my family doctor as she ordered the test for me. Hopefully they will be willing to send me the report when I call on Monday so I can share it with my HB MW when I see her after Thanksgiving.


It was very fun to see our baby today. S/he did not stop moving at all!

post #54 of 69


Originally Posted by autumngrey View Post

This baby is dancing all over the place. It is so strange that in only a week's time I went from "is that baby I feel?" thinking it would be a few weeks before I'd be sure, to "holy moly child, this is not a discoteca!" I can feel it on the outside too, but it's not yet strong enough, frequently enough, that DH has the patience to wait for it. But I have little doubt he'll have to wait much longer.


I know this is from earlier in the week, but I wanted to say that this is EXACTLY how I felt with my first.  I didn't notice her until like 17 or 18 weeks, and then she was EVERYWHERE.  And she still is.  I really believe that some aspects of personality exist in the womb, and DD's constant movement was one of them.  You might have a handful in there! 



Originally Posted by adoremybabe View Post

Good morning to all! I'm quickly popping on before I have to get my kiddos up for school. I have been having irrational fears that something isn't quite right with this baby. I just haven't been feeling the "normal" amount of movement. By now I am feeling so much more. So I keep telling myself that the placenta is in the front or there really is something wrong. If I nudge the baby I don't even get a reflex movement. Not that that means anytihng but it would make me feel better. My ultrasound is next week Wednesday. I can only pray that there will be only tears of joy when seeing that little image.


adoremybabe, are you feeling any better?  Just like I was thinking for autumngrey, maybe you just have a really chill baby in there this time.  My DD always responded to nudges (and shoves) when I wanted to verify that she was okay in there.  This one, not so much.  I'm hoping that means s/he's just really calm.  We could use that this time around!  Anxious to hear how your u/s goes.  Remind me, will you be finding out the sex?  Lots of u/s happening next week, so we should have lots of news!  I'm still hoping someone is smuggling twins....



Originally Posted by flavorfull1 View Post

As far as the doula and what to expect with your first birth- I made up loose plans and while labor is intense, you do not become a completely different person.  Just think about how you like things under stress or in pain.

Very true, but there can be shocking things--for me, I had no idea what that pain would be.  I mean, I've broken bones, had abdominal surgery, a breast augmentation, been in car accidents... But this was insane.  I'm hoping that it was the back labor, and that "normal" contractions will be more manageable (breaks and peaks like they say).  For me, what really wrecked my confidence and ability to manage pain was 1) the unexpected back labor (never felt any actual contrax in my abdomen), for which I had no coping tools; 2) the length of my labor (32 hours from time-able contrax to c-section), and 3) the amount of fluid/blood/goo that came out of me.  OMG.  I had no idea.  It was like something from a horror movie.  I know this doesn't happen to everyone, but my water EXPLODED when it broke, and then when I got up it was like dumping a gallon of blood and fluid on the floor.  Terrifying at the time, because I didn't know to expect that.  Of course, now I know, and it won't bother me at all.  So I was a lot mentally weaker than I ever envisioned I would be. 


post #55 of 69

Kate, it's funny you say that, because my most active BY FAR was my oldest (who actually caused some problems with preterm labor by pressing so hard and so often on my cervix!). And when she was little she was fussy, I couldn't even put her down. By the time she hit 7, she was calm, to the point where it's hard to get her to move (even to do fun things)...and there she's remained. I was kind of hoping that the fact that this baby moves 24 hours a day was a sign they'd be laid back like DD...I hope it's not the other way around!!!


So, am I the only one that is feeling FAR more emotional as we get into the second trimester more fully? I feel like I can't make it through the day without getting weepy about something :p If it keeps up at this rate I'm going to need to buy stock in Kleenex!

post #56 of 69

Okay, I just have to say, after craving them the whole day, these tacos DH just made me are probably the most satisfying food I've ever eaten :)

post #57 of 69

Tacos sound pretty good, but I'm having trouble getting excited about food this week.  Which is not my style at all--I love food!  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Sort of grumpy today for no reason (other than DD has been really challenging this week, and DH is useless, but that's not new), not hungry and sort of down.  Weird.  Hormones, I guess.


I also have a bit of a lower back ache, which is either from sitting on the floor to pin one of my sewing projects or from waddling, which I hope isn't the case.  I guess I need to pay attention to that.  Sorry for all of the complaints!  Everything is really going alright overall, I'm just bummed and chatty at the same time, which is strange.  This would be a good time to watch TV, I guess, if we had TV to watch.  DH will kill me if I download any more trash off of iTunes. :) 


Ho hum.  I think I will call him and tell him to bring home ice cream.  Then tomorrow will be a new day....

post #58 of 69
Regarding movement, I have nothing to comp with as this is my first, but whoah! this baby goes crazy at night/ early morning. It's really cool to feel smile.gif I'll be 18 weeks on Monday, and it's finally feeling really real.
Gonna go watch our Oilers play the Blackhawks (hockey) they're winning 5-1! Yayyyy! And continue knitting the little footsie overalls I'm working on...my wrists are going to hurt tmrw!

Zuzu: Soft tacos sound AMAZING!
post #59 of 69


Originally Posted by zuzusplace View Post

So, am I the only one that is feeling FAR more emotional as we get into the second trimester more fully? I feel like I can't make it through the day without getting weepy about something :p If it keeps up at this rate I'm going to need to buy stock in Kleenex!

I am an emotional wreck, moreso than a few weeks ago and definitely more than normal. I spilled some noodles (OK about half the pot) when draining them earlier this week and I broke down in tears like someone ran over my cat or something. I've managed to make it through work OK so far, but I'm worried one of these days I won't make it back to my office before I break into a rude, overreacting, rant. :-S

post #60 of 69

Zuzu- My DH and I made tacos last night and it was amazing, especially the homemade queso. ;)


Autumngrey-  Yes, I've been overly emotional too. I am so stressed with school, family, and the impending holidays that my mother and I just butted heads. I think I am the only person that is dreading the holidays. But with my dad having prostate cancer, a mother who takes on all of the burden of her elderly parents (my aunt is the co-power of attorney but never does anything), and now my DSS is sick with some sort of congestion.... I just freaked out.


My uncle lives with my grandmother (Mom's mom) and he brought all these outside cats into the house so guess what now my grandmother's house is infested with FLEAS. I hate fleas I had to bomb our house last summer and trust me, flea bombing 2,400 sq feet of house is not a picnic. So now my uncle has to flea bomb my grandmother's house TODAY. So instead of my grandmother going to my aunt's like was supposed to happen, the aunt is sick with a headache and my grandmother is coming here. So we are going to get her bath, wash her clothes, and everything while my uncle bombs her house. I am so nervous about getting fleas in the house right before Thanksgiving. I just told mom that something was going to have to give. My dad didn't want a whole lot of people here for Thanksgiving, just his kids and some of his family and one of his close friends. My aunt told my grandparents they would be here and invited my other uncle to our Thanksgiving. After Mom and I had our little spat, Mom called my aunt and told her that we were eating late, at 3 o'clock and that my grandfather wouldn't like it. Mom told her my grandparents and other uncle would all be at her house for Thanksgiving and didn't give her any chance to say no. I hate that Mom and I had an argument but the fact that my mother stood up for herself and us, makes me soo happy that I will be giving her a hug in a minute. And yes, this is normal for my family. irked.gif


But if I get fleas in this house, so help me, I will not be pleasant to my uncle or aunt for a very long time.

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