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PAL Mamas

post #1 of 46
Thread Starter 

Since I am struggling to stay positive with this pregnancy after having lost my twins to a chorio infection in July, I thought I'd start a thread for other PAL mamas who may be feeling the same way.  Pregnancy after a loss is so different from a "normal" pregnancy...  At least that's what I've heard.  My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (blighted ovum), so I've never had a non-PAL experience. 


Personally, I'm having a hard time feeling like this bean is going to stick.  I don't truly feel like anything is wrong, it's just I've had more losses than living babies, so I have difficulty envisioning something that is, for me, out of the ordinary.  It's like I expect things to go wrong just because they have in the past.


Is anyone else struggling?

post #2 of 46

i hope this helps- you are not alone, diana.  i've mentioned this in another thread but i lost my first pregnancy at 18 weeks in september of this year.  my dh and i are scared to death of going through another loss.  i realize that trying to stay detached and not get excited about this pregnancy is a self-defense mechanism for us b/c of what we've been through, but i also realize that i'm already emotionally invested in this little bean.  the wake up call for me was when i had the slightest bit of spotting the other day and i assumed the worst- i was heartbroken immediately at the thought of losing another baby.  thankfully it turned out to be nothing- but what i realized is, i was saddened at the thought of losing this pregnancy despite all my efforts to put up a wall to protect myself from another loss.   so i said to myself- self ;),  if trying to say detached is not making a bit of difference, what the heck am i holding myself back for?  smile.gif why not just throw caution to the wind and just let the joy take over? doesn't this little bean deserve it?  i normally choose the path of least regret when it comes to making decisions in my life and i try to give 110% of myself in whatever i do- i realize i would regret not living in this amazing moment and putting all of myself into this pregnancy.  we are so fortunate to be given this opportunity again, so i'm focusing on the positive and letting what happens, happen.  as we already know too well- it's completely out of our hands but how we feel about this pregnancy is not.  i realize there's no point in trying to protect myself by being detached when no matter what i do, if we lose this baby, it's going to hurt regardless. of course, you catch me on a day when i'm feeling very positive- tomorrow i may be a total basketcase. redface.gif  i wish for super sticky healthy beans for us all and that we all find our paths to healing from our previous losses.  

post #3 of 46

What a wonderful post, Mooncat.  :)


I'm definitely staying detached this time around.  One because it was a total surprise.  (Well, ok, DH and I dtd 3 times in Sept during ovulation week and we were SO surprised I didn't get pg then.  So we thought "Ok, not meant to be, how crazy was that of us to even try?!? Let's be done"  And lo and behold, at some point in Oct we must have had an "oops" moment becase I skipped a period and got two lines...  I don't have my head wrapped around this yet because I didn't consciously choose to get pregnant (at least, I don't think ;)  And I'm afraid of how it will work (Who will have to share a room? Will we be able to support everyone long-term?, etc.) Add to that the fact that I've lost a pregnancy before, and I'm not going to get too emotional just yet.  I don't even really have many symptoms yet so I'm almost just waiting for "the end."  NOT being negative or anything.  Just realistic.  Extremely happy for the prospect of meeting someone who looks like me or DH, but I guess I don't quite believe it yet...    

post #4 of 46

thanks, DecemberSun. smile.gif


i hear you on the realistic front.  i hope and pray this pregnancy sticks but i know it might not.  which sounds like a major downer, but as you said- just being realistic.


i love your "surprise" story.  i hope we can all look back on these posts in july 2012 with our healthy newborn babies and say "remember when..."

post #5 of 46

It's been a few years and babies since my loss (almost 10 years and 3 healthy babies) but I still remember so well how hard both the loss and getting excited over the new little one was. Even now, on my fourth pregnancy since then, I am finding it hard to get really excited... I get excited after 15 weeks, after I pass the point I lost my baby... but until then I only worry that I am going to go through the same thing all over.

Many hugs to any woman going through this. It really tears you up until you get a good grip that the pregnancy will go fine, and even then you've got a nagging feeling that it might not be okay because it wasn't okay before.


My heart goes out to you <3 You are strong.

Edit- wow... sitting and thinking about it... I got pregnant with my loss 10 years ago tomorrow :( Luckily tomorrow's a huge day for me so I don't have time to sit and reflect on it like I will in February when the loss date comes up.

post #6 of 46
Thread Starter 

I'm not intentionally trying to be unattached, but it just doesn't feel real yet.  Plus having had losses at two very different times for different reasons makes me feel like it's never "safe", you know?


I did call and talk to my midwife (instead of the other midwife in the same office, who I don't know), and she got me in for an appointment at 12:30 tomorrow.  I'm only 5 weeks, so if we see anything truly definitive it'll be a miracle.  But we should be able to see at least if there are two in there.  Or if I have a subchorionic bleed.  And assuming all is well, she's going to do a culture to ensure I don't have any infection.  I'm also thinking of asking for a blood draw to check hcg and progesterone levels, but I know those are so variable that I'd hate to have them give me another reason to freak out.  I know I'm not in control of any of this, and that's what drives me mad.  In some ways I feel very "Zen", even about the possibility of things not working out.  Then there's part of me that's a raving lunatic.  I hope tomorrow at least makes it seem a little more real.  I keep forgetting that I'm ONLY 5 weeks.

post #7 of 46

I lost a baby to SIDS, and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks (baby had died at 6 weeks but I didn't know). I have had 4 healthy babies since then, so am not as nervous as the first and second time. But I do find my heart skipping a beat while I nervously check the tp every time I go. And I'll admit I am somewhat reserved/detached as a coping mechanism. I already love this baby, no doubt about it. But I'm letting myself ease into it gently. 

post #8 of 46

My loss was years ago as well, and is hard to classify as a loss, since I still came out of the pregnancy with a baby (her twin disappeared late in the first trimester). I've since had two perfectly normal pregnancies, and if we had not had a scare with gushing blood and a scan showing two babies, I would have never known the other one was there. But, she is still missing from our family, and I do always expect to see blood when I wipe. I also dread the "is it twins?!" questions, since i carry so big, and I am honestly scared that someday it will be, and i will fail at carrying them as well. 

I also had a chemical a few months ago, and while I was not at all bonded with that baby, it has made me a little neurotic about testing with this pregnancy, scared that one of these times the line won't be there. 

post #9 of 46
I havent really talked about my loss yet.

Ds had a twin who was reabsorbed in first tri, too, like ivymae greensad.gif it has been hard for me to deal with because people a. Wont acknowledge that it really happened or B. Come off like its 'not that bad' coz we have a healthy baby or worse C. Somehow it's better coz twins would be more work in parenting. So I dont really say anything abt it IRL, it hurts that loved ones I've mentioned it to have been so dismissive, and dh wont talk abt it sooo . . . redface.gif

But it is real to me and I feel "her" absence frequently. The hardest part for me is feeling totally alone in this experience so far, soitsprobably really good that Ive started talking abt it onMDC.

I dont feel like my attitude toward this pg is too different tho, I'm all in, but a little scared when I feel cramps or twinges here and there.
post #10 of 46
Originally Posted by BigMamaBear View Post

But I do find my heart skipping a beat while I nervously check the tp every time I go. And I'll admit I am somewhat reserved/detached as a coping mechanism. I already love this baby, no doubt about it. But I'm letting myself ease into it gently. 

Totally in the same boat on this! I feel so ungrateful, but since not having morning sickness is completely normal for me, I feel like I have no gauge in the beginning of whether things are going ok. Like today, I don't feel anything. NOTHING. I even feel less bloated than I was yesterday. Waiting till my first appt on 11/29 to get confirmation from midwife seems like forever away. Kudos to those who avoid ultrasounds, but I would be a rotten mess without them!


post #11 of 46

I've lost two pregnancies. The first was about a year and a half ago. I had bleeding from 7-9 weeks that we couldn't quite figure out. An ultrasound at 10 weeks confirmed one baby right on schedule. Then I had bleeding again at around 18 weeks. We couldn't get a heartbeat and ultrasound confirmed I'd lost my little boy. At delivery we learned the bleeding early on was a twin. I had a small placenta fused to the 18 weekers placenta. Then is July of this year I had a very early miscarriage.

It's taken me a long time to even get the courage to do this again. I am so excited about it now and I have some symptoms and I just "feel" ok about this pregnancy. I've done a lot of soul searching and praying and feel confident in this pregnancy. Of course things make me nervous. Like when I crunched my foot at volleyball the other night, after the intense pain subsided I was more worried about the baby than my foot! ;) And I think how my every little action will affect the baby.

It is a different ball game after losing a pregnancy. I remember seeing these threads when I was  pregnant with my first four kids and had never experienced a loss. I couldn't read them. They were so depressing to me and I couldn't understand how moms could get so hung up over it. Now I get it. Now I understand. Now I understand the fear, the detachment and the pain. I wish no mama ever had to experience these feelings. It's amazing to me just how common it is though.

My hope is that we will all get to a point sooner or later that we feel "safe". I'm sure for some, that won't be until we're holding a new babe in our arms! :) 

post #12 of 46

Yuck, sorry about your ankle, AmBam!


So...  Guess what?  I'm sick!  joy.gif


It's not like my other pegnancies, but I'm definitely nauseas.  It comes and goes instead of being a constant.  With my son I was sick day and night from 6 to 9 weeks, and with my daughter from 9 to12 weeks.  I'm about 6 weeks now, so it makes sense, but it comes and goes and it's not nearly as strong...  I'm hoping it's just God's way of being really nice to me since I have a lot of kiddos depending on me day in and day out and I can't be doubled over in the bathroom all day...  :/


I'm happy because I feel like I can relax a little more, but I'm also a little leary still.  I don't think I can relax about it until I'm holding the baby in my arms!   

post #13 of 46
Thread Starter 

So many sad stories about twins...


ivymae - I thought this pregnancy was a chemical when I started bleeding/spotting, and that has made it really hard to get attached.  I carry large as well, and I get the same questions.  Though, oddly, we've both had twins, too.  I understand all too well the feeling that someone is missing.  I'm so sorry you had to go through that.  It must be hard to go through a loss while still being thankful and hopeful for the twin who survived.  I know that the 10 days between the loss of Baby A and Baby B were a rollercoaster.  Getting through the entire pregnancy must have been so difficult.  hug2.gif


craft_media_hero - That's so sad that your family hasn't been supportive.  Parenting twins would likely be a lot of work, especially in the newborn stage, but that doesn't mean that you didn't lose a baby and don't mourn for her.  If you'd like to talk more about it, the Pregnancy and Birth Loss boards might be a good place to share your story.  The ladies there are wonderful, supportive, and understanding.  I hope you can find some peace and healing soon.


lbkw - I'd be a mess without the ultrasounds too.  I tried to avoid them in my pregnancy with DS, just an initial scan to make sure he there and growing, then the anatomy scan.  But with the twins I had a bunch.  And now I've already had one at 5 weeks, with another scheduled on the 30th.  I might be able to chill out after that, but we'll see!


DecemberSun - Yay for being sick!  Or, well...  You know what I mean. 


AFM - My scan last week showed a 5 week sac, though no visible fetal pole or yolk sac.  It's sooo early.  I go back on the 30th for another scan, and we should be able to see a heartbeat.  I hope.  I've still had a lot of spotting, some very heavy, and I'm understandably nervous.  But no cramping.  And I still have sore boobs, hyper-sensitive nose, and exhaustion.  And, this morning, I got a little gaggy walking into the kitchen and smelling the turkey stock cooking in the crock pot (we celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday).  I'm trying to take what I can get!

post #14 of 46
Thread Starter 

Bumping back up, now that we may have more to talk about...

post #15 of 46

Thanks, diana.  :)


I don't want to seem weird, but I *think* I'm feeling movement already.  At 10 weeks!  Fluttery things.  I hope it's not just wishful thinking.  I need to see the midwife, just worried about the cost, honestly.  I'm debating going unassisted this time.  The only reason I wanted to use this Naturopath/ CPM is in case my gall bladder flared up during the pregnancy, she could treat my whole body and not just my reproductive parts.  My SIL has a doppler and my parents are going to visit them so I'll hopefully have that in late January to listen to what's going on in there.  So, all in all, I'm feeling "more pregnant", I think.  :)

post #16 of 46

Hi Diana! I've been thinking of you.


How are all the other PAL mamas doing?

post #17 of 46

Glad to see this thread. :) Once I got to where I could finally talk about my loss, I feel like it's actually healing and helpful to acknowledge it and how it makes me feel different about my pregnancy this time. I had a chemical pregnancy in January and then a missed miscarriage in July. I think the worst thing about that was that I still felt pregnant, even though I wasn't anymore. It was like my body was lying to me or something. That made me extremely skeptical this time around.


I've only thrown up once - last week and I was actually kind of excited about it. That said to me that things must be going well this time or I wouldn't have thrown up at all! It took me a while to feel comfortable that this pregnancy will last. I've just in the last few days started talking to the baby and starting to try and bond a bit. I've got a little belly already, so that gives me hope as well. We're telling everyone at Christmas when I'll be right around 12 weeks. I'm excited to share, but really kind of scared to tell as well. I'm such a private person, usually. I'm still worried that this could end in another loss and I don't know how I'd react if everyone knew. But - I'm trying to focus on the excitement more than the anxiety and just hope for the best. Surely it's my turn to have one that sticks around.

post #18 of 46

Oh, I hope so, sjdragonfly!!!


And, yes, I've heard lots of other mamas who've had miscarriages but still had pregnancy symptoms, so it's hard to relax, even though I feel like crap and I "feel" pregnant.  Sigh......

post #19 of 46

I'm one of those mamas who had no clue. I lost the baby at 6 weeks, but did not pass it until 14. Was still dealing with morning sickness, cravings, fatigue, all that.

As such, I MUST hear the heartbeat to calm down.

post #20 of 46
Originally Posted by MaerynPearl View Post

I'm one of those mamas who had no clue. I lost the baby at 6 weeks, but did not pass it until 14. Was still dealing with morning sickness, cravings, fatigue, all that.

As such, I MUST hear the heartbeat to calm down.

Exactly! I had a tiny bit of spotting at around 7 weeks that freaked me out so my midwife got us an appointment for an early ultrasound. We didn't get to hear the heart beating, but we did see it. I think I pretty much instantly relaxed when we saw that. Though now that I'm nearing the 11 week mark, I'm starting to feel antsy again even though I definitely feel and am starting to look pregnant. Our next ultrasound isn't until February 20th, so maybe after that I'll finally relax. haha

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