Surviving a high needs toddler

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

HELP! DD (almost 2.5) was really high needs as a baby, and it got easier for awhile, but lately I've just been at my wits end more and more. Basically she demands my constant attention. If I try to do anything...ANYTHING else at all she forces me to pay attention to her. Either we have a never ending round of "what's that? what're you doing? what color is that?" etc. or she'll just start screaming. Lately it's been more screaming.

I've tried to give her my undivided attention for long periods of time, but on days I try that by 2pm I'm pulling my hair out and crying in a ball, seriously. I need my downtime, and she is doing everything she can to not let me have that.

I spend too much time on the internet because it's the only thing I can do that she'll at least occasionally leave me alone for 5 minutes. But if I have an email that I need to write that requires thought? Screaming on the floor, instantaneously.

When we drive, 10 minutes in the car and she's all "carreh me!" If not demanding I hold her, she needs constant narration. I mean she's always talking. ALWAYS. And if I don't respond she will repeat it back until I do.

I just don't know what to do. I've tried more playdates, taking her out, playing with her more, ignoring her and letting her just work it out herself, time out, alcohol (for me) and it's not working. I'm sick of being angry with her, I'm sick of hating my life and wanting to run away. I just want her to at least once a day play by herself for 20 minutes. I want her to understand "hold on a sec I have to do something." And I want her to accept the concept that I don't know everything.

Also, I'd like my sanity back. Where'd it go?

[~cassie]

My 4 yr old is the same way.  It has gotten a lot better than it was 2 yrs ago.  I encouraged independence a lot-mostly by telling him I needed him to walk for just 5 minutes so my arms could have a rest and then I would pick him back up.   That seemed to help as long as there were clear expectations and that he knew he would get what he wanted in a few minutes.  His personality is extremely stubborn/needy and he wants what he wants right this minute.  It's hard and exhausting but giving him what he wanted really seemed/seems to help.  I'm not saying if he wanted 5 more cookies then I would give it to avoid a tantrum.  But when he wants just 5 more minutes of snuggle time-I give it b/c he truly needs it.  Mynephew is the exact same way.  Just needs a bit extra than some other kids.

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

I'm trying to do that as much as possible, but she only rarely accepts "in a minute" or "Mommy needs a time out." It all too often escalates the point where I'm shouting at her and pushing her away from me. THe more upset I get, the more she wants to be RIGHT THERE the more upset I get....

[crunchy_mommy]

I can sympathize, my DS is pretty much exactly the same. It is so draining and it's hard to catch a breath never mind a break!!

A few things we have been doing that are somewhat successful (meaning, he'll give us 1-3mins of peace... certainly not 20mins... but they do seem to help his overall attitude toward playing alone):

-Engaging him in an activity & then telling him that I need to go to the bathroom or get a drink. He has a hard time accepting my needs as valid (like "I need a time out") but seems to better accept physical needs like bathroom breaks. At first I had to come back after 2 seconds (in other words, before he could chase me!!) but I was able to slowly increase the time and now he sometimes will continue the activity on his own for a minute or two... maybe someday we'll hit 5 mins!!

-Coming up with lots of novel activities. Pinterest.com has been my savior here... so many great ideas & since it's visual, I don't need to read a bunch of text, I can just glance at my bookmarks and find an activity that will work. If I set him up right near me (on the couch close to the computer, or both of us sitting on the bed while I read), he will get into his activity & require only minimal interaction from me. The activities I generally choose are Montessori-type tasks -- things that are really structured, with a set beginning & endpoint, and utilize his fine motor skills (fine motor activities are what he naturally gravitates toward).

-Star stickers for activities he completes on his own with minimal interaction from me. So I will give him a puzzle and when he is done he gets a star. It's not something I get emotionally involved in (so it's not a bribe or anything) and his OT thought this would help him develop more internal motivation, since he tends to seek external motivation via praise or companionship. In fact, most of our strategies were developed with his OT (Early Intervention) and they do work, just not for 20mins yet, unfortunately... but when we started EI, I literally couldn't walk 3 feet away from him, so 1-3mins of solitary play feels like HUGE progress.

Also, audio books or music in the background sometimes help him play better.

And, I try to get as much down time as I can when DH is available -- I stock up on down time so I'll hopefully be more patient and all when I have to go a day or two with NO down time... Plus, as you've noticed, they seem to catch on to our feelings, so if I'm able to stay calm & happy, he is more likely to give me a bit of space & stay calm & happy himself.

[newmamalizzy]

You'll probably want to slap me for saying this, but DD (who's much younger than yours, so my experience may not be applicable) tends to need me less when I love her more.  It's all well and good to spend more quality time focused on DD, but for us it only really makes a difference if I'm actually enjoying her presence.  It's irritating to me, because that feeling of being totally in love with my child isn't really a matter of choice.  Some days it happens; other days I just can't do it.  But it sounds like you're pretty fed up with your LO, in general, so maybe your one-on-one time with her feels more like a chore sometimes and she's picking up on that? 

[carmel23]

Do you have an affordable, 1/2 day, few days a week preschool nearby? That way she gets some other stimulation...maybe develop some self sufficiency skills.... plus you can have a break and she gets some attention from other directions?

Then when she is home, since you've had you needs met, maybe you can better meet her needs?

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

Crunchymommy: Can I follow you on Pinterest? I haven't found good toddler activities on there, but i was more looking for crafts for me to do, etc.

newmamalizzy: I get what you're saying, and even on the good days I can't give her 6 hours of undivided attention without going insane. We have all sorts of wonderful moments together and a lot of the time i truly enjoy her company. But she's always been clingy, and I've always had anxiety issues, and they don't go well together. Much of the past 2.5 years has been me coming up with ways to be the parent I want to be while mitigating my anxiety. Today's been particularly bad (she didn't sleep well, she woke up cranky, lots of clinginess all day, etc.) but even on the wonderful stimulating and relaxing days it's a near constant narration and almost no personal space whatsoever. And I really don't think I'm "loving on her" less because I need a few minutes of quiet every few hours.

carmel: I have my gym's daycare which is included in membership and which she loves. But lately life's been really busy so we haven't been going as often.  It helps, but nothing I've found helps with the mid-afternoon mama crash/toddler spazz (she doesn't nap anymore).

I'm sure part of why we're struggling lately is that things have been kind of crazy here. I'm pregnant, my milk dried up, we weaned in the last week, she's potty training, DH's work has been busier, etc. I'm sympathetic to her needs, but I have needs too and I'm going nuts. I don't like being angry with my child, I don't like wanting to cry half the time (pregnancy depression = FUN), and I'm not going to drug myself into the type of person who can handle being constantly "on" with a precocious 2 year old. I need to find a balance between what she needs and what I need, preferably without either of us crying.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by sunflwrmoonbeam 

Crunchymommy: Can I follow you on Pinterest? I haven't found good toddler activities on there, but i was more looking for crafts for me to do, etc.

Keep looking!! I'm still starting out so I'm not the best to follow but here are a couple people's boards that I really like:

http://pinterest.com/loriann/for-children/
http://pinterest.com/calihelen/montessori-daycare/

ETA: here's another great one http://pinterest.com/emilycake84/little-busy-bags-and-quiet-books/
Edited by crunchy_mommy - 11/16/11 at 6:51am

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by sunflwrmoonbeam 

Crunchymommy: Can I follow you on Pinterest? I haven't found good toddler activities on there, but i was more looking for crafts for me to do, etc.

newmamalizzy: I get what you're saying, and even on the good days I can't give her 6 hours of undivided attention without going insane. We have all sorts of wonderful moments together and a lot of the time i truly enjoy her company. But she's always been clingy, and I've always had anxiety issues, and they don't go well together. Much of the past 2.5 years has been me coming up with ways to be the parent I want to be while mitigating my anxiety. Today's been particularly bad (she didn't sleep well, she woke up cranky, lots of clinginess all day, etc.) but even on the wonderful stimulating and relaxing days it's a near constant narration and almost no personal space whatsoever. And I really don't think I'm "loving on her" less because I need a few minutes of quiet every few hours.

carmel: I have my gym's daycare which is included in membership and which she loves. But lately life's been really busy so we haven't been going as often.  It helps, but nothing I've found helps with the mid-afternoon mama crash/toddler spazz (she doesn't nap anymore).

I'm sure part of why we're struggling lately is that things have been kind of crazy here. I'm pregnant, my milk dried up, we weaned in the last week, she's potty training, DH's work has been busier, etc. I'm sympathetic to her needs, but I have needs too and I'm going nuts. I don't like being angry with my child, I don't like wanting to cry half the time (pregnancy depression = FUN), and I'm not going to drug myself into the type of person who can handle being constantly "on" with a precocious 2 year old. I need to find a balance between what she needs and what I need, preferably without either of us crying.

Sorry, I think you might have misunderstood what I meant.  I just meant that, for us, 10 minutes of undivided attention that I'm truly excited about generally buys me some time to myself, whereas 10 minutes of "I'm kind of tired but I know I need to give you some attention now" time only gets me more clinginess.  I guess what I'm saying is that you're apt to be "loving on her" less because you're NOT getting the downtime that you need.  For myself, when I don't get any downtime, I find it really REALLY hard to really enjoy my girl, so she doesn't get quality interaction from me, then she won't leave me alone, and it's just an awful vicious cycle.  Sorry, I had a feeling I wasn't expressing myself well when I wrote the previous message.  Would she possibly play with a mother's helper?  There's nothing like a 12 year old girl to TOTALLY dote on a toddler, so you could potentially get some downtime in the afternoons. 

[CassnBeth]

Our DD's are pretty much the same age. In fact, sunflwrmoonbeam, I think I lurked in your due date group.

I'm pregnant too and DD has been satan the last few months; needing me to hold her all the time and refusing to play alone. I finally gave up completely and announced to my wife that we were "going to the mattresses" on parenting and I did not want to hear any criticism about it unless she wanted to work from home. We had a solid month where DD did almost nothing but play with other kids at our numerous activites and lay in my lap watching tv. I was just so stressed and angry and wiped out that I decided enjoying DD a little mattered more to me than her getting a reasonable amount of screen time. I know that is not an acceptable option for lots of moms on here so I am not really suggesting it so much as commiserating. Is it any comfort that DD has seemed a little better the last two weeks or so? She has suddenly become interested in completely different toys (cars all of a sudden? and legos?) and will let me sit near her while she plays alone a little?

crunchy_mommy -- I had never thought to use pinterest for activites! There are some great ideas for next week's six hour car trip....

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

Thanks for the help everyone, the past couple of days have been better. I'm trying to plan one "activity" for her a day instead of just outings and free play. So, for instance, the other day we made banana bread, which was a huge hit.

[chiromama01]

so my dd is exactly the same, she's very high energy, but i find if i direct her energy, it helps a lot.  that said, she goes to a moms day out at our church from 9-2:30 mon thru thurs and its an absolute lifesaver.  and when she gets home, i've had enough me time to be able to give her the love and attention she needs.  it sounds like your both going through a lot of change right now and she probably really misses the time you guys used to spend nursing...i hope you find your sanity soon!!! 

[nymama531]

I dont have any advice but I just wanted to say that you are describing my exact situation. I'm nine months pregnant, my son's almost three and I can't get a second of peace. I broke down crying today because he banged on the bathroom door with a toy hammer the entire time I was in there, the other day he screamed "I'm HUNGRAAAY" the entire time I was in the shower. His voice makes me shake and seethe with stress and I feel awful and guilty for it. Just wanted you to know you're not alone...what helps me is a hot cup of tea and a glance at a bible or remembering starving children in Africa and how heartbroken those moms must be and how they'd trade my problems for theirs in a heartbeat....weird, but just where my mind goes..
 

Originally Posted by sunflwrmoonbeam 

Crunchymommy: Can I follow you on Pinterest? I haven't found good toddler activities on there, but i was more looking for crafts for me to do, etc.

newmamalizzy: I get what you're saying, and even on the good days I can't give her 6 hours of undivided attention without going insane. We have all sorts of wonderful moments together and a lot of the time i truly enjoy her company. But she's always been clingy, and I've always had anxiety issues, and they don't go well together. Much of the past 2.5 years has been me coming up with ways to be the parent I want to be while mitigating my anxiety. Today's been particularly bad (she didn't sleep well, she woke up cranky, lots of clinginess all day, etc.) but even on the wonderful stimulating and relaxing days it's a near constant narration and almost no personal space whatsoever. And I really don't think I'm "loving on her" less because I need a few minutes of quiet every few hours.

carmel: I have my gym's daycare which is included in membership and which she loves. But lately life's been really busy so we haven't been going as often.  It helps, but nothing I've found helps with the mid-afternoon mama crash/toddler spazz (she doesn't nap anymore).

I'm sure part of why we're struggling lately is that things have been kind of crazy here. I'm pregnant, my milk dried up, we weaned in the last week, she's potty training, DH's work has been busier, etc. I'm sympathetic to her needs, but I have needs too and I'm going nuts. I don't like being angry with my child, I don't like wanting to cry half the time (pregnancy depression = FUN), and I'm not going to drug myself into the type of person who can handle being constantly "on" with a precocious 2 year old. I need to find a balance between what she needs and what I need, preferably without either of us crying.

[cristeen]

The thing that jumps out at me is that she's not napping any more.  Kids of this age tend to still need that recharge time, and I know us moms do.  If she's not willing to nap right now, can you institute "quiet time"?  I have a friend who did this during the period between when her DD stopped napping and when she started again.  Have her spend 30 minutes in her bedroom playing quietly by herself.  You may have to work up to it, but schedule it.  Do it every day at the same time.  Talk about it, plan for it, give her warnings that it's coming (to help with the transition) - 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes, etc.  Just like you would do with nap time.  She doesn't necessarily have to be in bed (unless that's what works for you guys), but make sure she has books, dolls, or whatever other quiet toys she might like in her room to play with during this period.  Door open/closed depends on your tolerance level. 

Or, it may be time to try to reinstitute naps.  Lay down together every day at the same time.  Since you're pg, chances are good you could use the nap yourself.  I know my little guy sleeps a lot easier if I'm falling asleep next to him than if I'm laying there mentally cataloging the freezer and planning dinner in my head. 

Just a couple thoughts - hopefully one of them helps. 

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

Cristeen, she's not napping because napping became way too much of a struggle. It turned into an hour or more of me trying to get her to lay down, trying to snuggle or nurse her, and her fighting me every step of the way. I realize the research says she "needs" to nap, but I need to not battle her for an hour every day. We do do a quiet time, as we can.

Thankfully things have been better here lately, now that I've put in some more structure. I try to do 1 chore, 1 outing, and 1 planned activity of the preschool style every day, and it's helped a lot.

[cristeen]

Yeah, the fighting at naptime sucks.  When my little guy starts fighting, that's when I either roll over and go to sleep myself (he won't leave the room if I'm in there, and a nap counts as down time for me), or I just get on with my day.  I refuse to fight him on it anymore - he's stronger than me.