Mother in Law being gender specific

[mpvelaz]

Today my DD (2yo) picked up one of my sons toy air planes and my DS (4yo) told her that she couldnt play with it because it was for boys. I told him that girls and boys can play with the same toys and he told me that abuelita (his grandma-my mother in law) said no. I have noticed that she would occassionally say that something was for a boy or something was for a girl, but I never really said anything to her about it because I wanted to pick my battles, but I had no idea that she was telling my daughter that she could not play with a toy because it was a boy toy or my son that he could not play with a toy because it is a  girl toy, this really bothers me. We have always tried to be gender neutral, but have noticed that out kids have gravitated on their own to the typical "boy" and "girl" stuff and now I am worried that maybe my mother in law had a little more influence on this then I thought. she spends a good bit of time with them when we are not there because she helps with child care sometimes for us.Would this bother you? Would you say something to her about this?

Edited by mpvelaz - 11/16/11 at 6:06am

[Youngfrankenstein]

I think it's silly for MIL to "not allow" your dd to play with a plane because it's "for boys".  I would sort of laugh "at" her and tell her how silly that is.

I wouldn't worry about her opinions as long as you are able to stand your ground. 

[Imakcerka]

Well since she's abuela I'm going to say that's normal.  My Abuelo had goats and the boys were allowed to rope and ride them.  I was told by my tio that I wasn't allowed to do so because I was a girl.  It's old school culture.  Try to change it and let me know how it goes because I'm taking my girls to see my Abuelita next month and She's refusing to talk to them in English she's also a big pusher of the gender divide!  Taught all the girls how to cook but left out the boys who sat on the couch watching football while we slaved in the kitchen. 

[mpvelaz]

Yeah, I figured it was more culture related and that is why I never said anything about it before, but telling them that they can't do something or play with something because they are a boy or a girl, really bothered me.

[Anna Phor]

Does it bother your husband? He should broker this with his mother, not you.

[LynnS6]

How much time does she spend with the kids? That's what would determine whether I asked my husband to intervene or not. If she spends a lot of time with the kids, then, I would worry more than if she sees them every couple of weeks.

Know too that 4 year olds don't see shades of grey. If abuelita said "that's for boys" then he might take it as gospel truth, until you tell him that's not the rule in your house. He can learn to accept the idea of different rules at different places, and the idea that grandma's ideas are different from yours.

[Amatullah0]

Any chance that you can have a chat with MIL, telling her that it is ok if DD plays with "boy toys" and if DS plays with "girl toys"? and maybe tell her WHY you are saying it's ok?

[lovepickles]

In my house DD plays with all toys available ... she is obsessed with fire trucks. But we censor the princess stuff if it comes in as a gift because I strongly dislike the emphasis on beauty over intellect.

If anyone restricted my DD from doing anything based on gender (other than using a public restroom) I would severely limit their interaction with DD until they join us in the 21st century.  These biases are passed on by older generations and in these formative years it has to be removed if women are to be considered equal.

On a side note my grandmother was racist. My mother has a bit of it, too ... but she's more anti-gay rights. My MIL is gay. So I have a very clear policy in our house that we are pro-gay rights (it doesn't come up much but the policy helps in questionable moments). If my mom can't abide she is welcome to take her bigoted butt back home, with love.

:)

[mpvelaz]

They probably spend the night and a day with her about once a month, sometimes twice a month. She has been pretty respectful of my ideals so far. i do a lot of things different then she is used too, but so far she has been respectful and accomendating. I do not think it would be a problem or cause an issue if I said something to her about, just wondering if it is something that I should be concerned enough to say something about just because I want to be respectful of her as well.  I told my husband to tell her to just be a little more mindful of the things she says around them and to allow them to play with a toy regardless of its "gender", I would talk to her about it myself, but sometimes the communication get confused. Thanks for the input.

[nilatti]

You might also consider adding "Free to Be You and Me" to your song collection. It has lots of stuff about rejecting gender stereotypes.

[dancingflower]

First I'd say that on Abuelita's defense it is possible that she didn't exactly forbid them to play with the toys. She could have voiced her opinion and the children took it that serious. So yeah, she may need to know how the children are taking it. Limiting play initiative is a bummer. Also, they may tend to gravitate towards gender specific toys not because of Abuelita's influence only. It's everywhere. They pick up clues everywhere. So yeah, it gets more difficult when a loved one is reinforcing it.

If you think you can talk to her in way that will go well. Do it. I mean, that she won't feel offended, that she won't read as if you don't like her. Sometimes people are able to disagree but understand and respect the other's choice. You have all the rights to discuss the kind of values you want your children to grow up with. And I agree with lovepickles, that these things are learned from older generations. So we have to voice if we want to change the course. But .... If you think Abuelita can't handle the talk, just trust your influence on them (which is the greatest) and let it slide. It's not worth it to create family drama. I have a "vovo" here from Brazil, thankfully she's great with the gender thing but I'm always picking my battles. She, my mom, is omnipresent and she choses a lot without consulting me. And for that one I even have a feeling that is a gendered thing, shes so much less intrusive with my brothers. But it's really beautiful that she is so present in DS's life, so I pick battles a lot.

Sorry for any painful spelling. I'm a foreigner writing on a phone without spell corrector.