Friend with Attitude

[queendom lady]

My 4 yr old daughter started pre-school this year and met a new little friend. She (we'll call her Eva) is a sweet little girl being raised by her much older father, abandoned by her mother when she was a baby and this is her first real go at socializing I think so I'm really trying to stay open minded. She's been coming over every week for a few hours after school to play with my dd and 18 mo ds.  In the beginning she was very shy and a bit whiney but has come out of her shell quite a bit. My dd tells me all the time about Eva getting in trouble at school and even her teachers have commented to me that my dd has been a great friend and help to Eva but has begun to pick up a couple of her habits.  This scares the bejeezus out of dh and me.  Here at home Eva's started not just talking back but yelling at me. "I don't want this! I don't like this! Don't do that!"  She's constantly yelling at ds and blaming me if she trips. Just now she fell down running and said to me "you pushed me!" This also scares me.  I don't know the psychology behind it. Her father mentions his dr. appts he keeps so "they don't think i'm losing my marbles". Who and what that's about I don't know either. 

At this point dd loves Eva and Eva loves dd. I think it'll be good overall for the two of them in the long run but for now how do I deal with a child giving me such attitude? The words she uses like "stupid" refering to our dog and that my ds is "nasty" is just not language I'm comfortable with. It sometimes feels like all I'm doing when she's here is having conversations about what and how we like to say things but it doesn't seem to make a difference. 

Any suggestions? Similar stories?   

[pianojazzgirl]

I will say that most of that seems like fairly normal-for-age behaviour.  My ds is 4 (and I've been through it with dd too), and he uses lots of "strong" words like "hate", "stupid", etc.  In fact from what I understand experimenting and discovering the power of words is a bit part of being 4.  My ds will also sometimes say "it's ALL YOUR FAULT!" when he hurts himself, something breaks or whatever (even though I had nothing to do with it).  As a matter of fact my dd still did that with regularity when she was 6 (though she would blame her brother, not me), and even now at 7 *sometimes* does this.

It sounds like a) this girl has been through some rough times, and b) you (and your family) have become "safe" to her... ie. she will let it "all hang out".  So you are getting the brunt of these neg behaviours - behaviours which, though normal for the age, might happen more than average with her.

I think you're doing well to discuss with her how we treat other people.  Try having those conversations not in the moment, as she will probably be more receptive (angry or upset people are not very open to hearing how they should be behaving, and are not receptive to learning). 

When she demands for something rudely, or otherwise speaks rudely something you could do is offer a "do-over": "that's not the way to ask politely - would you like to do a do over?".  Or I just say "try asking politely".  That kind of thing.  At first you will need to do lots of modelling of the ok way of expressing emotions and wants (ie. rephrase for her).  If ds comes up to me and yells "I want milk!!!!" I'll probably say (in a calm voice): "milk please".  And he repeats "milk please".

You can also give her words for her emotions.  For ex. in the "you pushed me!" example I'd try to see behind the words (basically "I'm upset!  I fell!), and give her those words.  Instead of getting into an argument (which is probably not necessary or helpful) you could respond with something along the lines of: "you fell!  That hurts.  I can see you're upset!".

If you haven't already read it you might enjoy "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk".

[One_Girl]

I remind my dd's friends about the rules s few times gently, then tell them we will need to end the playdate early if that doesn't work and give them one chance with that reminder. Usually it takes one early ending. My DD has had friends with attitude but not to the extent you describe. I think you are nice to keep giving her a chance to play, but I don't think it is helpful for your DD to see that this behavior is appropriate.