hi. i haven't been in here since my boys were toddlers. my oldest is 17 now, his brother is 15, and my little girl is almost 11.
so. we have had problems with my oldest, it seems, since he turned twelve, maybe 13.
the other two kids are awesome. it seems the only problem we all have is my oldest. he is a demanding bully, who has to get everything his way or he is violent and miserable. we all just want him to move on at this point. both my husband, and i, have been on our own since we were 16, and i really think this would be best for him.
i have tried to get him counseling; he won't go. we have thought we have gotten through to him many times, but he always reverts back to this.
....a bit of background. we are a happy family, married almost 20 years, moved to a small town to raise our kids. he is a typical teen, for the most part. he is respectful of others, except for us. he hates school, understands he needs it, but hates it none the less. he hates me most of all because i insist he goes to school. he has been sleeping in, instead, and so i laid the law down; if you aren't at school on time, you are not allowed to have friends over. so tonite i tried to enforce that. he had been forewarned; this morning when he left for school, late, i said, don't bother bringing any friends over, so i don't have to embarrass you. he has been late or skipped every day this week, and many times before, and hasn't had friends over, lately, and it hasn't escalated to this yet. so tonite, when his friend showed up, i said, you are not allowed to have friends over, u didn't go to school , this is the rule. (he went to school for an hour today)
so he proceeded to threaten me and smash stuff. (a chair, the vacuum, a dent in the floor, a broken glass.)(towering over me, fists clenched, he will erase my files on the computer, he is going to get me, etc.)(later he said "you are dead")
he has smashed stuff before. and i wish he would get anger management. but he will not follow through on anything i have arranged for him.
i am at the end of my rope. so much so that i sought this forum out, after all these years.
i cannot make him do anything. and i will not apologize for anything i have done to try to get him to go to school. it is all we ask from him. if we try to get him to do a simple chore like unload the dishwasher, it goes undone or half undone. his brother and sister do their chores no problem.
i am so seriously worried about him. i don't want him to spend the night in jail, as the cop tonite suggested. this is a small town and these same cops were at our door maybe a year ago. but they don't have kids and have no real suggestions that i haven't tried already. he is a big kid and we literally have no control over him. we can't make him get up or go to school or even enforce any punishment we can grasp at. i really feel as if we are being held hostage by him, because we have so few options and he can basically do whatever he wants and we have no say. he has threatened suicide, which almost goes without saying. he tries anything to get his own way.
we have now decided that for christmas, we are going to get him his own place, and i mean, tomorrow(my husband has been at work this eve while all this was going on, this time, but it is an ongoing battle. )
i am loath to get police involved, but my little girl was crying, i was crying, he was threatening me and smashing stuff....i just can't do this another minute. i really feel threatened. by my first baby. this goes against everything i really believed, and ever hoped for. i home birthed and breastfed for years and probably spoiled him with security and love; but all my kids got that, and with no adverse reactions to all that love, on the others.
there aren't a lot of jobs in a small town, i know. but kids do find them. he has no ambition to do anything but sleep, it seems.
i need unbiased advice, i guess. is there something i haven't tried? is getting him his own place with the money we might have gotten his gifts with, a good idea, or short lived? we cannot support him past that first month. and we do not want him moving back; though, he is our baby, and i could see us letting him back in, if he was desperate. we love him, no matter what. but our happiness as a couple, as a family, is put under so much strain by him. how do i help him without hurting the rest of us? i think he is scared to move out. and i don't know if we can force him to. but we can't go on another day like this. what else can i do? i always swore as long as he was in school, he could stay with us; anything was worth his education. but it is not fair to our other kids, it is not fair to me. i am miserable. of course he thinks i am a bitch, but i am not, usually. i am so laid back and optimistic. but also a realist.
i would appreciate any experience you can share with me; i appreciate having this resource. i guess i really just needed to commiserate.
thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.
from a fellow mothering mom.