Let me give a bit of background on how things were first. I'm bipolar and up until this June, I was not medicated for it and hadn't been properly medicated since I was 17. Even then, my meds weren't taken right. Anyway....needless to say, things in the home were soo so toxic. I wasn't healthy and made alot of poor choices. Communication was poor between DH and I. And it always had been. Last Thanksgiving was kind of our breaking point. I was trying to better myself by getting into shape, so had entered into a Turkey Day race. I worked so hard and it felt like a part of me. My first race and I was sure to make a good time on the run. Because things were so toxic between DH and I, we were in a passive aggressive back and forth battle. So, he made me late for my race, making me unable to even start it. Crushed. I wanted to hate him, and I told him I did hate him that day. It drove a large wedge between us. Then in January, things were just cold and barren and I had started talking to an old flame and "the grass was greener" on the other side and I left DH for the old flame. Well, old flame turned out to be a controlling, emotionally abusive jerk. But now, I was pregnant with his baby. Good thing I had sought out mental help, because really, the guy I was with was driving me nuts. I started my bipolar medication in June and by mid-July, things started to become more clear that I needed out and away from this guy. I opted to sleep on DH's couch until I could get to my mom's. Over the next week, DH and I talked and cried and listened and hugged. One night, I asked for a kiss. It was over from then. We've been together again since and in spite of me carrying another man's baby, we're better than we've ever been. What change did I make?
Well yes, I'm medicated now, but it goes beyond that. BEING medicated and able to think clearly made me realize I loved DH, but I wasn't CARING for him. Through this whole ordeal, we've learned to care for each other and grew to love each other even more. Before I left, we lived in squalor. Seriously. Dirty dishes for 2 weeks, dirty laundry all over, garbage over flowing the trashbin. It was my responsibility for the most part since I was the stay at home. And that's cool, but DH was subject to his dad's ridicule when he came over and the place was a disaster. :( That didn't make for a nice day over for FIL. Now, I cook and clean and talk to DH about things. It took all that we went through to wake us both up. Caring for DH and his needs help him care for me more and love me more. I got the gratification the other night of hearing DH say "I love the new you" with a big hug from behind. It made me feel so proud of how far not only *I* have come, but how far we had come as a married couple. How insensitive and rude we were. How distant. Seriously, I used to get upset about the stupidest things and hang up on him. Juvenile? Completely! Caring for DH is why I do the things I do today. The kids see it and are happier, we compliment each other and are happier for it. I don't think I could ever say I loved DH as much as I do now and it grows more each day because of the change we made together.