My sister thinks I favor one kid and it's causing some trouble - WWYYD? - Page 2

[beanma]

I would tell her what I tell my 7 yr old when she's upset she's left out of something that dd1 (10) gets to do. There have been several things lately that are 8 or 9 or 10 and up. It's not my rule, but I can't break it for dd2 either. What I tell dd2 is that when dd1 was 7 she didn't get to do that either and when dd2 is 10 she will have a chance to. It seems so simple, but sounds like your sis is just not getting it. When your 2 yr old is 9 she'll have a chance to take the classes, etc, then.

I'm the youngest and I so know about the childless older sibling thing. My brother and I are actually semi-estranged over some cr@p he threw at me when my kids were little. My older sister (who has kids) is a little more understanding although her kids were pretty easy and my dd1 has always been pretty high needs. Sis is still a bit bossy, though. It's just her personality. We're really getting along better now than we ever did as kids, though.

[Lisa1970]

It sounds to me like your sister is playing favorites. I have dealt with relatives playing favorites myself. I had to stand up to them and say no more. If they have one child over, it has to be both. If they only want one at a time, they will alternate. It led to a lot of anger and not speaking to me for months, but when they came around, things were better. I am glad I put my foot down because it has been 14 years since all that happened and just imagaine how bad things would be now.

[peaceful_mama]

my mom thought this about the way i disciplined my kids when she 1st came to live w/us.  they were 4 and almost 2.  OF COURSE i had higher expectations of my 4 yr.  i had the same expectations of dd @ 2 as ds @ 2.  NORMAL  she's dropped it lately.

[LoveLife]

So when the older one goes to college will you have to spend $1000s of dollars on the younger because you're paying for DD1's schooling? Um, no...DD2's turn will come around when she turns 18.  Why is this any different?

[rubidoux]

I don't know anything about adult sibling dynamics because I'm an only, but I do think your sister is being a little nutty.  I have had little pangs of guilt for spending so much on my 8 year old while my 2 year old requires very little money spent on him.  Of course there's all the classes and activities that cost a lot.  But even just a trip to the toy store is completely skewed towards my older.  We will often walk out with a $50 toy or game for M and a $7 thomas train car for A.  Or last weekend we got M a $75 lego set and a $10 3-lego-person set for A.  A really has everything he needs and wants already in M's old (and new -- because anything that is currently loved by M is highly coveted by A) toys.  When the seasons change, M usually gets a whole new wardrobe and then I dig into M's old stuff for items that will fit A, and then he'll get a handful of new things because they're fun or cute or there's a hole in the wardrobe somewhere.  

But I definitely don't think A has any idea that we spend more on M.  And because A is in my arms so much of the time and with me all of the time, and M is getting to that age where he doesn't want to give me a kiss goodbye when I drop him at school or sit on my lap at home, M is the one I expect to hear complaining.  I am actually really shocked at how little either one of them complains about who gets what  --  in terms of attention and stuff.  I don't think they compare themselves to each other that way.  Maybe it's the big age difference.

Right now A is having a blast playing with M's old little people and an old tractor.  M never really played with either of them.  lol

Edited by rubidoux - 12/6/11 at 11:22pm

[Thursday Girl]

Everyone has covered it so well. Just wanted to let you know you weren't alone. My twin sister  (all my sisters really) have a sort of other parent mentality with my kids (of course only my twin still lives in town),being childless themselves. I have heard many opinions form them on how I raise the kids including that I prefer one kid over another and her subsequently trying to "make it up" to the other kids. I had to have the "let me tell you what is really going on her, let me explain about needs at different ages" talk. It's been much better since, she now understands this difference too.  There are some really good talking points in this thread that should help your sister understand, and if she STILL pulls these things then definetley limit time with the kids.