Traumatizing my 2.5 y/o while playing piano?

[Conchobhar]

I have a 2.5 y/o who absolutely WILL NOT allow me to practice piano if she's anywhere in the house.  I will get no more than a couple chords out and she starts bawling!  And it's not an angry or fake cry.  It's a down-and-out, Mommy's-Hurting-Me cry and I feel so horrible!

I don't understand what is traumatizing her so much.  I'd say my horrible piano playing, but I don't get enough notes out to warrant even that thought.  I've tried playing all sorts of songs, from mellow to rock, all at a very soft volume, and it's the same reaction to them all.  My friends come over and she has no problem when they play the piano.  And SHE will get on the piano and pound on it (much louder than I ever play) every day (which I encourage).  We've even had kids her age over and she's been fine with them pounding on it.  But even if I try and play while she's playing, she won't allow it.  And it doesn't matter if DH has her in another room, trying to distract her...the minute she hears me on the piano, she's wailing.

My best guess is she feels I'm not paying attention to her while I'm playing, but I don't know if that's entirely correct, based on how hurt her cry sounds.  I don't know what to do to stop traumatizing her, but still be able to play.  She's hardly ever out of the house without me, so it's been a long, long time since I've been able to practice and I miss it.  Anybody have any ideas?

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Conchobhar 

My best guess is she feels I'm not paying attention to her while I'm playing, but I don't know if that's entirely correct, based on how hurt her cry sounds.  I don't know what to do to stop traumatizing her, but still be able to play.  She's hardly ever out of the house without me, so it's been a long, long time since I've been able to practice and I miss it.  Anybody have any ideas?

I was just about to say it's probably the attention thing. DS does the same thing when I do any kind of focused activity. It can't be the sound of it if she's OK with other people playing it. My only suggestions are to just push through it & hopefully she'll adjust, or to see if you can involve her somehow -- either passively or actively. You could have her sit near you or wear her on your back or maybe even try nursing her while you practice (if she's still nursing), or actually teach her to play or give her notes to strike or have her turn the pages. One other idea -- have your DH take her out for an hour or so several times a week so you can practice!

[cyclamen]

Out of curiosity how long have you tried going on for?
 

I say this because DD used to FREAK OUT if DP and I cuddled in front of her.  We tried everything - invite her in for hugs, including her, telling her to wait a few minutes, DP would be like, "Can it be my turn now?" or "Mama is your mama.  She is not my mama.  She's my sweetie and I like to hug her."  I'd tell her, "I can choose who touches my body.  I like daddy to hug me."  She just wanted to hit him in the face and tell him, "No!".  So then we tried a couple times of putting her down on the floor, "We are going to cuddle.  You can cuddle with us or you can go play, but you may not hit daddy in the face." 

At first she would lay down and scream like she was being tortured.  This would go on for some minutes, and we would watch her for a few minutes.  Sometimes we'd invite her back for a cuddle, or go get her.  Once, I got curious to see what would happen if we didn't.  We said, "I love you," and then we didn't say anything else for a few minutes.  Well, after a few minutes longer (and I'm talking just a few) than we'd normally wait to intervene, she would suddenly get up off the floor as fresh as daylight.  I mean, it was like everything had run it's course.  She'd get up and run off to play and be all happy and smiley.  Not traumatized at all.  But you'd think so for the first three minutes.

I don't think she was faking it, but had learned that the intensity of that cry would cause us to stop doing what we were doing.  Maybe seeing us hug was really unnerving for her so she would cry like that to stop the unnerving feeling.  But I think once she got to experience that the unnerving feeling could pass, that she could experience seeing us cuddle and not stop us and the world would go on, it's been better for her.  I'm not saying she never feels possessive about me anymore, but she seems better able to handle the idea that she can't control who touches me.

So if playing the piano is really important and nourishing to you, and you haven't experimented yet, maybe experiment with how long she will cry for and if she can confront the feeling and see that it really will be okay?  I think it's okay to do something that she doesn't like, especially if it's something that is good for your soul like being creative is.  Even if it's just for a few minutes at a time and you build up.  Not only okay, but I think it's probably good for your DD to see you engage with something creative. 

Your DD might be crying for the same reason that I suspect my DD cried at seeing me and DP cuddle: growing awareness that they are separate from us.  And there's no way out of that but through.

I do think you have to be sort of matter of fact, though.  Yes, it's uncomfortable for you to hear mommy play, but mommy is going to play until the timer goes off in x minutes.   And you will be okay.  You can cover your ears if you don't like the sound.  I love you.   And then don't talk, but play. 

[lovepickles]

DD 23 months freaks out if i sit at the table and drink my coffee and write in my sketchbook. So I turned on Elmo so she would associate something she liked to do with an activity I like to do. Now i can sit for about 15-20 minutes without incident. I know tv is evil but I would be too if I didn't get that short time to recharge.

Save something special for her to do while you are playing the piano so she will associate it with something she likes to do.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by cyclamen 

I don't think she was faking it, but had learned that the intensity of that cry would cause us to stop doing what we were doing. 

Yes!  Totally this!

OP, I am a professional pianist and both my kids (esp dd - who was an only at the time) would do EXACTLY THE SAME THING as yours.  It was all about the attention I was giving to the piano.  Those were really hard years.  Dh is also a professional musician and he could practice as long as he wanted (I exaggerate, lol) and the kids would be just fine, but get me on the piano for 20 seconds and it was the End. Of. The. World.

The wonderful news is that it is much better now.  My ds (4yo) still has some issues with bugging me (but not freaking out screaming and crying!), but it is night and day, and I'm actually finally getting some work done again!

[organicviolin]

Oh I know this all too well!  I am a professional violinist (yea to us musician mamas!) and DS used to do the same thing.  Then I just said, Listen hun, I need to practice now.  You are fine.  Just enjoy the music and play/relax whatever, I will be with you shortly.  Then I did just that and after maybe a week of him literally crying and pushing me etc he got over it.  Also, he has his own violin so he can "practice" at the same time as me etc.  (He's got great positioning btw from just copying me!).  Anyways...if she needs to cry in order to release those feelings of anxiousness, then so be it.  You practice and enjoy it.  Just play louder than the crying ;-).  BTW with DS2 because I've been practicing way more again (just did a recording) he just stops and watches and looks at everything in awe.  Oh yes, I should probably say that with both boys, when they were newborns/infants I literally strapped them to me to play.  I still do that sometimes with both of them...trickier with violin than piano but you get my drift.

Happy music making!

[Angelorum]

I also have a 2 year old who does not want me to practice.  He doesn't freak out, he just runs over the second I start and says "no plactice, no plactice!"  And then he turns off my piano, because it's digital and has an off switch.  Or he just gets in the way so much I can't play.  Sometimes I can sneak in 15 minutes when he's really occupied playing with something else if I plug in the  headphones, but as soon as he notices it's all over.  The list of things I can only do while he's asleep seems pretty long some days. 

[Conchobhar]

Thank you all for the great advice!  It's sounding like it's going to be a combination of letting her cry it out and slowly but surely easing up the time spent on the piano.  It helps to know that it's not just me, though I'm so sorry all you musician moms have to go through this, too.  Thanks!