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When your child isn't like you - Page 2

post #21 of 22

OP, you mentioned that your dd is deaf — surely that's a way that she's not like you. Have you had trouble accepting that difference? I imagine it's been a hard row to hoe, but you've done and are doing it. The academic stuff is the same way, just less visible. It'll be okay. It's obvious that you are a caring mom and want the best for her. She knows that, too. And you know that you have to accept her for who she is rather than who you hoped she might be or you wouldn't be posting here.


Kids are their own people — even when they don't have any disabilities. I know very few adults who are just like their mom or dad. My sibs and I are not that much like our mom and dad and neither are DH or his brother and sister like his parents. His parents were/are well educated, both with college degrees and his dad with a law degree. Neither his brother nor his sister went to college. His brother is incredibly smart, but in a dysfunctional way. He couldn't deal with any more school and is lucky to have made it out of high school alive, literally. DH is the only kid to have any college. In my family, my dad struggled in college and all of us exceeded his achievements—my brother and sister, especially. My mom did okay in college, but struggled with some subjects. My brother (the miserable unhappy one) far exceeded both parents academically, but that really hasn't made him fulfilled. I'm rambling, but my point is that even if your dd didn't have the challenges she has to face she wouldn't have been just like you. I'm sure you know that intellectually, but sometimes it can be hard to internalize.


Maybe I've been lucky in that regard with two kids who each have an exceptionally strong sense of self, although that certainly has been a challenge for me at times. Often I've wondered what it would be like to have a more compliant child, but they have—from birth—let me know that they were their own people and had their own ideas about things. I've had to let go a lot of (usually small in the scheme of things) hopes and expectations and wants for them and let them be who they are. 


I do agree with the above posters about playing to your dd's strengths. Set her up where she can succeed and let her go to town!


Good luck,

post #22 of 22
Originally Posted by fairejour View Post

I understand that there are different learning styles, but none of them seem to help my daughter. She works really hard to learn the very basic academic material (she is 8, and is at about the level of an early 1st grader) and some of that may be due to diffuse brain damage from a traumatic birth. How do I accept that my beautiful, smart girl may never read well enough to go to college? Do I lower my expectations so that she doesn't feel like she is disappointing me? 

Start with this:  both Einstein and Edison failed in school.  Neither one of them was anywhere near the top of their class yet both of them were successful.  Bill Gates didn't finish college; neither did Stephen Spielberg.  There are other examples throughout history and modern times.  Those are just the ones I came up with without researching.  In my own life, my dad dropped out of college on the advice of the school councilors because he was failing basic algebra.  Yet some of his company patents (electrical engineering) went to the moon on the Apollo missions.



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