I think if you choose a path in life that is an obvious path and others try and try again to make it hard for you than you have every right to be angry. My 6 yr old played Call of Duty at my sisters house. Really? She's 6! I asked that she didn't play any of the games they had. That was my only request! My dad brought alcohol into my house right after we had a heart to heart about how me and my siblings were effected by his alcohol abuse. He didn't care. I didn't want that around my kids and he still brought it. My concerns were relevant. It's more than a barbie, it's the fact that our wishes for our kids are disregarded. DH's dad sends the kids a box of clothes on Christmas and it all smells like smoke. Should I just accept it? Can't take it back even with the tags on them. Yeah I can wash them but they're always too small or too big. They ask sizes and they forget I guess.
Yep, you have every right to be angry. However, I would say that you're only hurting yourself if you stew about it or work yourself up into righteous fury, no matter how righteous. It's not so much about accepting those people as it is accepting *reality*.
The reality is, your dad is an alcoholic (or I assume so, based on is behavior). The reality is your FIL is a smoker who smokes in his house, and everything that he sends you is going to reek of cigarette smoke (he probably doesn't even smell it). Your sister does not accept your rules regarding your child when she's over at HER house. You have absolutely no power whatsoever to change them or their behavior. So you can refuse to accept the reality of who they are and how they behave, but that only creates frustration and hurt on your end. It doesn't punish them, and doesn't even change the situation.
I think it makes life easier to deal with things in reality, not what I wish they were. If that means not allowing my kids over to someone's house unsupervised (until they're old enough and/or have developed more impulse control) so be it. If it means kicking someone out of my house because they didn't do what I asked them to do (like not bring booze over to my house when I hate it and they're an active alcoholic), then so be it. If it means that I have to dump every single box that a relative sends in the garbage because I don't want to deal with it--then so be it. It'd be great if everything was how "it should be", but it's not. I can either waste time wishing for my fantasy/what might be normal to expect if I was dealing with sane/rational/considerate people and continue to beat my head against a brick wall, or I can choose to operate in my current reality and just accept that these problem people in my life are who they are and I don't really have anything I can control about it.
For me anyway, it's the latter that has given me the most peace, so that's why I try my best to operate that way. Hard to do sometimes when it's family though, but I try.