DS is annoyed by another student making wierd noises

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

My son is seven and in second grade.  He has recently complained about another student who makes loud screeching noises in class.  He says it gives him a headache, and it clearly upsets him.  Every time I pick him up after school the past week he has been at tantrum level complaining about this boy.  He hasn't wanted to do his extracurricular activities after school and he picks on his younger brother mercilessly.  I think he's holding himself together during school and letting his stress out when he gets home. 

How do I deal with this?  What do I tell his teacher?  I don't believe any kids are 'bad'.  I don't want to sound like a parent who wants to punish this other 'bad' kid. 

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Part of me wants to just tell him to suck it up...

[whatsnextmom]

Ugh, I feel for him. Personally, I'm hyper-sensitive to sounds and I just can't block them out. It is incredibly stressful and makes focusing near impossible. As a child, he has so little control over who he is around unlike me who, as an adult, who A) isn't really around those sorts anymore and B) can pick-up and leave any room I want! I'd certainly talk to the teacher and find out what is going on. Perhaps the child has special needs? If so, your son may be more understanding. If he's just being obnoxious, the teacher has to put a stop to it. Maybe sit in class one day volunteering if you can to see what the issue is. It's likely bugging most of the kids but your DS may have a higher sensitivity.

[Emmeline II]

He is sucking it up...in school, then spewing it all over the family after school--so that's not working.

Ds is a bit sensitive to noise and started sticking cotton balls in his ears at school to deal with it. I did offer to get him noise cancelling headphones but he opted for foam ear plugs instead.

I would start by just discussing it with the teacher as it impacts your ds and what can be done to help him.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul 

My son is seven and in second grade.  He has recently complained about another student who makes loud screeching noises in class.  He says it gives him a headache, and it clearly upsets him.  Every time I pick him up after school the past week he has been at tantrum level complaining about this boy.  He hasn't wanted to do his extracurricular activities after school and he picks on his younger brother mercilessly.  I think he's holding himself together during school and letting his stress out when he gets home. 

I hear you!

DD is sensitive to noise.  It has become very clear to me in the last few weeks that a major part of her attitude issues stem from being constantly exposed to noise and she just cannot. take. it.

I have repeatedly suggested that she go to her room for a few minutes when she gets home to help her have a noise break before she joins us downstairs - but she feels like it is a punishment and everyone else should just be quiet!  It is hard, because while she has a need for quiet, my youngest DD has a tendency to make noise...

I am trying to create quiet spaces and times, that helps.  I am also greeting DD at the door with food (almost literally) - she is hungry after school and feeling hungry increase her overall grouchiness and ability to handle stimuli.  

She has also taken to getting on the computer with headphones after school - which is still noise, but noise she controls, I guess, so that helps.

I would still like to work with her on voluntarily taking noise breaks, I think it would help. 

How do I deal with this?  What do I tell his teacher?  I don't believe any kids are 'bad'.  I don't want to sound like a parent who wants to punish this other 'bad' kid. 

I would not approach it like this at all.  I would simply tell the teacher that you think DS  needs a quiet environment to perform at his best and that noise stresses him and might be affecting his behaviour at home - can he be seated in a quieter area or near quieter people? 

[motherhendoula]

I think you need to mention it to the teacher - and just see if she can sit the kids on opposite sides of the room ...and there is a certain amount of 'sucking it up' that needs to happen  - i advise you to talk to teh teacher because i have BTDT - when my son was in 3rd grade there was a boy who sang loudly - to be purposefully obnoxious - he did it in art class - my sons FAVORITE class and my son could not hear the teacher and the instructions for their project ....my son scratched this kid on the hand with a pair of snub nose scissors!  The other kid was not injured in the least - and my son said he knew he would get in trouble if he hit the other boy - so he didnt want to do that....and he also knew that the 'safety scissors' wouldnt hurt the boy....

well, my son had to attend 'anger management' classes for children - for an entire school year - it wasnt a bad program, but it wasnt really effective  - my son would still prefer the jokers and goofballs at school just stay home - he would still rather screw up an assignment than raise his hand in class and ask for an explanation from the teacher - and he would never say 'hey this kid is singing so loud i cant hear anything!'  

it was really hard to deal with the whole thing because i know my son isnt a raging lunatic - but in the wake of the poor kids at the high school in Colorado -  even scissors that dont cut hair or fabric are a weapon of the vilest disposition

im not suggesting that your son would react this way ....im just saying  - if this is public school you are dealing with - have it on record that this little boy is annoying your little boy FIRST.  

[One_Girl]

Is it possible that he is coming down with something that is causing the headaches?  My dd gets headaches and nausea when she has strep but is typically able to eat just fine.  She tends to be more irritable then though and the headaches really drain her.  If this is a sudden thing that is just now causing him to have such dramatic problems at home then I would look for other causes that aren't in the classroom.

If this continues or you can't find any other cause I suggest e-mailing the teacher and letting her know that your son has told you that one of his classmates is screeching a lot and you are worried that this is causing him a lot of stress because he has frequent headaches after school that he says start because of the noise level.  I usually have my dd go to the teacher about classroom things, but if the screeching is enough to cause him a headache I can't see how the teacher could be unaware that it is occurring. 

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I have repeatedly suggested that she go to her room for a few minutes when she gets home to help her have a noise break before she joins us downstairs - but she feels like it is a punishment and everyone else should just be quiet!

Could you find her a pair of comfy noise-cancelling headphones and plug her into a special quiet-music playlist (or even just nothing at all) for half a hour to chill? Bring her a snack and a cozy blanket. Let her be. If you framed it with a few perks I bet it wouldn't be perceived as a punishment.

Miranda

[Geofizz]

A second grader that is screeching through much of the day is likely dealing with his own emotional/developmental/behavioral issues.  Along with the comments above in giving your son the tools to cope, I'd also suggest you talk directly to your DS about this other child. 

My DS has a kid that fits this description in his kindergarten class (plus another child with some very evident self control issues).  We've already had several conversations about what things come easily to DS (math & behaving), what comes harder (writing & riding his bike).  We've noted the one kid is good at the monkey bars, another is really good at making friends, and a third has been riding a bike since he was 2.  Along with that, just as DS still has training wheels, some kids need more time and more help to learn math than he does, and likewise, some kids need a lot of help and time to learn proper behavior in a classroom. 

We have found that giving my kids context to understand other kids' behaviors helps them cope with it during the day, thereby going a long way to reduce the toll it takes on my kids.  It also hopefully will make them more compassionate in the long run, though <whoowee> the comments at home at the moment show that that compassion is still developing.  We need more discussion in the coming weeks and months, and with another batch of kids next year, surely we'll have more.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 
I would start by just discussing it with the teacher as it impacts your ds and what can be done to help him.

I agree with this. I have a child with sn whose behavior has at times been odd for a child her age, and yet who is extremely sensitive to noises. I feel like I can see this from the point of view of both kids!!! 

I totally agree to talk to the teacher. I'd go in with the assumption that everyone agrees that this other child's behavior is undesirable and that the teacher (and other school staff) are working with him. But I would let the teacher know the exact negative impact it was having on my child and brain storm solutions. She may have some ideas, but she can't help if she doesn't know that there is a problem.

I think that your concern about not wanting to paint the other child as 'bad' is valid and considerate. I'd chose value neutral language, saying something like:

"DS mentioned that John often makes noises during school. DS is finding this very stressful. It's giving him headaches, and this week, he's been on the verge of a tantrum every day after school. This situation seems to be getting worse for DS, and I'm not sure if it because the noises are getting worse, or if DS has lost his ability to cope. What do you think we could do to cause John's behavior to have less of an impact on DS?"

You don't need to say the other child is bad or weird or anything else, just stick with the facts, and talk about your son in a way that leaves room for teacher to not need to really discuss the other child, who she really shouldn't be discussing with you.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

So I went to pick up DS from school yesterday and told him to hang out a few minutes until everyone leaves so I can talk to his teacher.  Then he said that the kid has stopped with the noises and it's not a problem anymore and he doesn't want me to talk to his teacher.  OK, so I didn't.  Harumph.  Kids. 

[ChristyMarie]

My son tends to cover his ears when someone is being too loud - the other child normally will pause a bit.  Seems to work fairly well.  But, it sounds like perhaps the problem is gone- hope it stays that way!

Originally Posted by motherhendoula 

I think you need to mention it to the teacher - and just see if she can sit the kids on opposite sides of the room ...and there is a certain amount of 'sucking it up' that needs to happen  - i advise you to talk to teh teacher because i have BTDT - when my son was in 3rd grade there was a boy who sang loudly - to be purposefully obnoxious - he did it in art class - my sons FAVORITE class and my son could not hear the teacher and the instructions for their project ....my son scratched this kid on the hand with a pair of snub nose scissors!  The other kid was not injured in the least - and my son said he knew he would get in trouble if he hit the other boy - so he didnt want to do that....and he also knew that the 'safety scissors' wouldnt hurt the boy....

well, my son had to attend 'anger management' classes for children - for an entire school year - it wasnt a bad program, but it wasnt really effective  - my son would still prefer the jokers and goofballs at school just stay home - he would still rather screw up an assignment than raise his hand in class and ask for an explanation from the teacher - and he would never say 'hey this kid is singing so loud i cant hear anything!'  

it was really hard to deal with the whole thing because i know my son isnt a raging lunatic - but in the wake of the poor kids at the high school in Colorado -  even scissors that dont cut hair or fabric are a weapon of the vilest disposition

im not suggesting that your son would react this way ....im just saying  - if this is public school you are dealing with - have it on record that this little boy is annoying your little boy FIRST.  

Gently, I think making a cutting motion of any sort on another person should be taken very seriously by the school.  Safety scissors, pencils, pens, hard rulers - none of these things meet the traditional definition of a weapon but they can inflict injury and pain.  Doing so intentionally is not ok.  Actually, the cool calculation of "I only want to hurt him a little so I won't hit but scrape" bothers me quite a bit more than a quick reflexive slap ever would.

Just another point of view Mama.  HTH!

[cameragirl]

Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul 

So I went to pick up DS from school yesterday and told him to hang out a few minutes until everyone leaves so I can talk to his teacher.  Then he said that the kid has stopped with the noises and it's not a problem anymore and he doesn't want me to talk to his teacher.  OK, so I didn't.  Harumph.  Kids. 

Do you think DS was feeling a little embarrassed about having Mom talk to his teacher? I'd probably still bring it up with the teacher, just in case. If the other boy really has stopped, then no biggy. If not, you can discuss possible solutions with the teacher.

[whatsnextmom]

I would still bring it up but perhaps in an email or on the phone away from DS. It's very normal for kids to not want their parents to talk to their teachers. Boys in particular will often hide things that happen in school out of embarrassment or the feeling that nothing can be done. Could be the child stopped. Could be there is more to the story. Could be your DS talked a little too much in class that day and was afraid the teacher would mention it. Probably still worth talking to her.

Edited by whatsnextmom - 11/23/11 at 8:18am

[Emmeline II]

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

I will still bring it up but perhaps in an email of on the phone away from DS. It's very normal for kids to not want their parents to talk to their teachers. Boys in particular will often hide things that happen in school out of embarrassment or the feeling that nothing can be done. Could be the child stopped. Could be there is more to the story. Could be your DS talked a little too much in class that day and didn't and was afraid the teacher would mention it. Probably still worth talking to her.

I agree. Ds would avoid telling us things that were happening to him because it would either expose his part in it, or something he did that was unrelated. I would follow-up on it.

[peaceful_mama]

follow up.  They can't solve a problem they don't know about.  and a screeching child needs to be moved somewhere else to screech.  Classrooms are places to listen, work, and learn.  I would be livid if this were allowed at my son's school.  I AM NOT speaking against mainstreaming.  I AM saying that any kid disrupting like that needs to be removed AND return when they can stop.  It's not fair to the rest of the class if a child is allowed to create that much disruption to their learning.  And it's not fair to the screecher if nobody takes a stand to teach the kid that this is not acceptable.  No matter what special need he may/not have, nobody is doing the kid a favor by allowing this.  It can be as simple as a minute out, but they have to address it.  And, not to be harsh but, if this really goes on all day, maybe it is a case of a child who is not in the best setting for him, and you'd probably be doing that kid a favor by prompting the teachers to do something.  i agree though the best way to approach is to address it in terms of how it's affecting your son.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by peaceful_mama 

follow up.  They can't solve a problem they don't know about.  and a screeching child needs to be moved somewhere else to screech.  Classrooms are places to listen, work, and learn.  I would be livid if this were allowed at my son's school.  I AM NOT speaking against mainstreaming.  I AM saying that any kid disrupting like that needs to be removed AND return when they can stop.  It's not fair to the rest of the class if a child is allowed to create that much disruption to their learning.  And it's not fair to the screecher if nobody takes a stand to teach the kid that this is not acceptable.  No matter what special need he may/not have, nobody is doing the kid a favor by allowing this.  It can be as simple as a minute out, but they have to address it.  And, not to be harsh but, if this really goes on all day, maybe it is a case of a child who is not in the best setting for him, and you'd probably be doing that kid a favor by prompting the teachers to do something.  i agree though the best way to approach is to address it in terms of how it's affecting your son.

To the people who said children don't want their parents to talk to their teachers about problems, VERY true in my case.  My sister and I told our mom about some serious issues going on in school that we saw (one was alcohol use in the classroom and the other was a pedophilia issue-- not done to us) and my mom did NOT report it.  It wasn't happening "to" us but we were 1st hand witnesses.  As a parent now, I still can't believe she didn't report it-- she didn't because "we" told her not to!

But yes, I agree with pm.  If my child were screeching all day in the classroom, frankly, I'd want my child out of the there and in with someone who had more than 1 or 2 special ed classes.  I would want an EXPERT for my child!  It's hard to know what the teacher is doing about it, however, how often it actually goes on, etc.  If I brought it up to the teacher, it would be in a very open-ended, non-confrontational way . . .would not want to be accusatory or anything because I would not have all the info.  I'd just bring up the fact that my child was complaining, and wait for a response.  This way, the teacher knows the concern, but the teacher may be limited in what he/she can do, unfortunately.

To the OP-- I feel for your son.  I am very sensitive to noise as well!  In school I did a science project about people completing work while listening to classical music, rock music, and silence.  Everyone-- even people who said they worked better with music-- always scored higher with silence.  Granted, I was only in 5th grade, so I cannot guarantee the accuracy of these results!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

I would still bring it up but perhaps in an email or on the phone away from DS.

I would email, and I would mention that my child didn't want me to draw attention to the issue.

[peaceful_mama]

i 2nd this!

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I would email, and I would mention that my child didn't want me to draw attention to the issue.

[motherhendoula]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie 

My son tends to cover his ears when someone is being too loud - the other child normally will pause a bit.  Seems to work fairly well.  But, it sounds like perhaps the problem is gone- hope it stays that way!

Gently, I think making a cutting motion of any sort on another person should be taken very seriously by the school.  Safety scissors, pencils, pens, hard rulers - none of these things meet the traditional definition of a weapon but they can inflict injury and pain.  Doing so intentionally is not ok.  Actually, the cool calculation of "I only want to hurt him a little so I won't hit but scrape" bothers me quite a bit more than a quick reflexive slap ever would.

Just another point of view Mama.  HTH!

Yes - certainly not a 'mother of the year' moment for me!  but i wanted to mention it to the OP because it was VERY much out of character for my son at the time - (he is 13 now and it remains an isolated incident)   I couldnt even believe that it had happened at alll - and i can understand the school having to take a 'zero tolerance' policy against that sort of thing.   But if i had said something to the school prior to my son acting out - they would not have judged him so harshly - and in the end ...the other boy continued to sing annoyingly for a few more years....so - no winners