Hello, I'm hoping someone can help us. We've had a pretty stressful year life-wise, and I think that combined with dd being high need (at least for breastmilk) and me being a very attached mom, has led me to burnout. My dd is nearly 4, and we've mostly breastfed on demand till recently.
Right now dd breastfeeds 1-2 times during the day (falling asleep latched on if she takes a nap) and before bedtime (but not latched on to fall asleep). The problem is at night. For probably 6 months I've been getting more and more annoyed at night when dd wakes up and wants to nurse... this wasn't a big deal since it was only 1-2 times a night. My shoulders and back hurt when side-lying nursing in bed, and I can't sleep while she nurses any more. I tried the "wait until the sun comes up approach" boundary and that worked for a while. But for the past month, nearly every night, dd will wake up 2-5 times a night screaming/crying for breastmilk... it can be a huge tantrum, leaving me really frazzled and wide awake and my dh really annoyed, but eventually she will go back to sleep snuggled up. At first I thought it was a phase and tried nursing on demand through the night to help her through it, but it's still going on with no signs of letting up and I'm too annoyed. I still usually give her breastmilk the first time she wakes up (there isn't screaming usually the first time) but I'm so upset/angry when she wakes up screaming... and I refuse to give in and give her milk when she has a tantrum like that.
She's been really clingy in the day too... wanting to touch me all the time (with her finger in my belly button!) and not even wanting to stay at her grandmother's. She is having some discipline issues too (mostly minor, but getting worse) and sometimes my blood just boils and I don't want to do anything with her. She sings/talks/makes noise all the time, and that can drive me up the wall. The more annoyed I get or the more I pull away, the more persistent and clingy dd is, which then pushes me further.
This is really bringing me down. Being an attached mom and nursing on demand used to feel so natural. Now I'm just annoyed and resentful. I see my dd differently too, i.e. as a brat... so different from our earlier relationship which was mostly wonderful. I just feel so burned out. I feel like a terrible mom, doing all the wrong things, and that I'm ruining our beautiful, attached relationship that we had created. I don't know how to deal with the burnout or the night-waking. I think I'm too short on sleep, too depressed, and too far sunk into this situation now to see out or to be the grown-up here that I need to be. Any help in gaining perspective would be appreciated.
btw - I began posting about this under this thread: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1314761/ive-lost-and-found-my-passion
Phew... thanks for reading.