Pressure put on 14 yo DS by grandfather

[wildbozmommy]

I have a 14yo high school freshman DS. He is gifted musically and gets pretty good grades (honor roll). He has no idea what he wants to do "when he grows up", but is leaning towards a career in music. I think he's still pretty young to be making such major decisions, so I don't pressure him. He joined the track team this year, but is not a standout athlete. My father is starting to annoy me with his attitude. He is already pressuring my DS to start looking at colleges and views everything he does in high school as a means to end as far as getting into college. Frankly, I would love to see him pursue a musical career, but it's really up to him. My father doesn't think "music is the way to go", but I think it's cruel to pressure a child to give up their dreams just because it might not be financially rewarding.

Personally, I would love for my DS to stay home and go to community college for the first two years and get some "life experience", going to school, working a job, paying bills, etc.

I was a college flunk out so I feel I have no room to talk when it concerns these matters, but I want my son to be heard.

[shelbean91]

I think it's a good idea to keep the future in the back of his mind- but to make a decision and strive for that now, especially if he's not sure, is not a good idea. It was bad enough for me when I was a junior and senior in high school to try to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. (I'm now 30 and just last fall decided to return to college to get my degree.)

I think community college is a great way to go. No one could have convinced me of that when I was 18 and anxious to move away from home, but I had 4 younger siblings and slightly overbearing parents I wanted to get away from. A 4 year university, living in the dorms was the only way I knew how to get out.

I would tell your dad to lay off and leave your ds alone. My guess is your dad is trying to help your ds avoid the 'mistakes' you made (or he feels he made with you) by trying to get him to 'focus' on his future. I think BECAUSE you flunked out of college, your voice should be heard and your concerns are valid. If your ds ends up going to school only b/c of what you or your dad want, he's much more likely to drop out, IMO than if he's really going on his own steam, for something he wants to do.

Part of the reason I did so bad in college my first time around (from 18-20) was because I had no idea of what I wanted to do. I was only there b/c my parents said it was what I was 'supposed' to do. I had student loans for 3 years of schooling and nothing to show for it. Now that I'm 30 and going of my own free will, for something I want to do, I'm much more focused and glad to be there.

[Arduinna]

I have a 14 year old too, and we have discussed the future. But not alot and no pressure. Just discussing what her options might be ect.

If it was me I would tell my dad to back off.

[Mizelenius]

As someone who has a bachelor's degree in music, here's my POV.

14 is young to make any life-long decisions. This doesn't mean that your son can't think about them, it just means he's likely to change his mind. However, if your son is interested in music, it certainly doesn't hurt to encourage him to pursue it as an interest, as I know you are already doing. Even if he changes his mind about music being a career, it may get him a scholarship.

Personally, I found that I did not want to make music my career. I didn't like wondering about the next paycheck, looking for gigs, etc. It just didn't suit my personality. The kind of instrument/level of skill/ultimate career goal/personality traits have a great impact on how successful your son will be in the music biz.

ITA about the community college idea. However, this can be a difficult route for aspiring college musicians, as they usually have a very strict coursework planned out for the full 4 years-- so transferring can be a bit more challenging. Also, I personally disagree with working and going to school. I think it is VERY hard to do both. It's far better to go to a state school/live at home/ take out small loans than to work . . .I've seen a lot of my friends drop out of college when they worked.

[lilyka]

Personally I think magoring in music is train wreck. I have no problem with people making money as a muscisan I just don't think college is going to helpo them get better jobs (which i feel is the point of a $75,000 education) Certainly encourage his musical ability. You can never go wrong doing that. I feel the benifits of studying music in and of itself are endless. But you ou course can do that without treying to make it his ultimate college goal.

On that note I do think no is the time to start thinking about college. this is when I started preparing for college and I too dropped out I dropped out with a 3.8 gpa though. I just didn't find it worth tha money. But to get in to certain colleges youhave to take certain classes and if you don't start in 9th grade you could miss out on some. I know there were classes I needed that weren't required for graduation. An extra year of science, two years foeign langue , calculus (which required two extra years of math) and this was all for a music major at a state school. A school i didn't end up going to a major I didn't even come close to but it did all add up to some really great classes and an accademic scholarship to ther noe I did go to. Also in my junior year I had the oppritunity to double up some of my classes for hih school and college credit by enrolling in the aformentiond state school because i already had some of those classses out of the way. What a great oppritunity to save some money and time and take some classes with older less brain dead people I didn't score high enough on my ACT because I fell asleep and then decided I just didn;t care, but if i had reallywanteed to I could have tested again and gotten those twopoints I needed but I really didn't have the money or the traspotation. But all this to say (sorry I am feeling reallychatty tonight) I do think that now is the time to start planning. Nothing major, just find out what will be required for certain programs, start exploring all your intrests and how you can learn and grow in them and which you will need college for and which you won't but what will youneed for them and all.

[Mizelenius]

Personally I think magoring in music is train wreck.

I agree with this, especially if you don't have a serious plan for how you'll make money once you graduate. Dreams are great, but honestly, everyone needs to pay the bills. It's when you combine a dream with a well-thought out plan that magic occurs!

To add more to my previous post, here's my story . . .

My harp teacher told me no one at my university would take me seriously unless I got a degree in music PERFORMANCE. She said this with the comfortable position of being the harpist for the Lyric Opera, as well as having university teaching jobs. Neither of those were my goals-- nor would they have been attainable for me. But did I realize this then? No. The financial, "real world" aspect isn't discussed too often in lala land music school.

Anyway, my mom suggested I major in music education, but I trusted my harp teacher, so I didn't. I did NOT have a well-thought out plan, just blind faith. I have REALLY regreted not listening to my mom. Since graduation, I have been working on getting all my coursework done for a teaching degree, and it has been very time consuming and costly . . .it would've been faaaaaaaaar easier to have done it when I was unmarried, 20, and without a toddler. I've learned since then that my mom is right most of the time!

[mamaofthree]

Well, first I would let your dad know he might want to back off a bit. I think, personally 14 is too young to have alot of pressure put on you about what you are going to do for the rest of your life. Heck at almost 32 I hardly know!:LOL

Anyway, I would suggest that he continue in classes that will help him get into college, and pursuing music is a great way to get a scholorship! (My bro has 3 friends who went to college on music!) Then maybe those first two years at community college or a university he can focus on "core" classes that can get him any degree (Like if he wishes to pursue arts or science). Maybe music will be what works for him, I mean who knows? Maybe he would make a fab. music teacher? Or a composer? People do it, so it does happen. I am not one to squash young peoples dreams. That is like the only time you get to do it!
I say encourage the music and encourge the good grades. And see what happens in the next few years.
I went to college for something that I would NEVER in 100 years have guessed I would have done in high school. I did really well and loved my job for about 8 years. Now what I really want to do is just stay home and raise my kids and then see where life takes me.
Yes you need to know where the food and shelter are coming as an adult, but I don't think so as a 14 year old.
Just my 2 cents!

H

[CaliCat]

response to decisions at 14

I have a different take on pursuing music as a career. I am a music teacher, music therapist and a musician. My parents were skeptical about letting me pursue a bachelor's in music. But they let me decide. What a gift! 14 is still young, but don't discourage him. Even if he decides to pursue a more lucrative career, he could still benefit from developing his music skills at this time. Now is when his brain is most receptive to learning music skills (as opposed to later in life). Take advantage of that. Music skills keep giving back to the student for the rest of their life and you can never go back to 14... and... music is sooo rewarding. He has to love what he is doing, first and foremost. The money will come. I have a friend who, against all odds, pursued his trombone playing in New York and is now playing on Broadway making $80,000 a year, plus a weekly allowance. He is doing what he loves. It can happen!!!

[Aura_Kitten]

* long!

your father sounds like mine. when i was 14, i knew EXACTLY what i was going to do... i was going to get into every AP and Honors class i could, along with every advanced science and math course, and pursue a career in virology.

well... at some point in my high school "career" i got into photography as an elective... and fell in love with photography and graphic design. so i started working as a graphic designer on the side, while still doing all of the math and science. halfway through my senior year (4.3 GPA and all AP / honors classes, with the exception of pottery) i decided i wanted to go to art school. shortly after that, i found out i was pregnant. i went back to school when my son was almost 3 years old, majoring in virology. but i've redisovered what i figured out when i was 17: that an artistic career would suit me far better than science. it's not that i'm not good at science -- i excell in calculus and organic chem and bio -- but art makes me happier. i'm now a full-time mom again, expecting my second child, and pursuing writing and art as means to income.

what it comes down to is that at 14, even if you lay out all of the plans for your entire future, as you grow up and experience life and the world, you discover yourself, who you are, and where you're really going.

when my friend J3 was 15, he took the proficiency / GED (?) and got out of high school, enrolled in the local JC, quickly finished all of the general ed requirements, transferred to a university... then took 6 months off to travel through south america. when he came back, he transferred to the university of san francisco... halfway through his classes there he dropped them all and went to Ireland... and is now just 3 credits short of graduation... and is going to take another year off to go travel. at 15, he and i didn't really know where we were headed. we'd talk about the future, but in abstract terms. i really don't think it's fair to expect a 14 year old to lay out their entire future. it's good to have goals, but they need to be flexible enough to learn from life and deal with the unexpected.

eta ~ i forgot to say, also, that understanding music is crucial to developing an intuitive understanding of chemistry. just a thought.

[magemom]

When I was 14 my mother's mother was on me all the time about picking my college. Actually she started in middle school. I told her to back off, but she really feels that unless you have a quality degree, you will get no where in life. Being the best mother in the world is not at all a responsible goal. :
Music or not, your dad needs to back off. It will backfire. You can tell him that. 'Listen dad, I know you mean well and are probably right, but DS is like me and the more you push- the greater his chances of puching in a bad direction.' or something like that. My mom never interveined because she didn't graduate and did not see college as the only way to get anywhere, but wanted me to hear my grandmother's take. Really, you only have to say it once- they get it. Even it if they don't respond.
With my own teens, I have let them know they can be anything they want. But, while they are living here they have to do the best they can in school. We have offered to convert the basement into an apartment if they want to live here to save money while in school. They have also seen DH working to finish his bachelor's and know I never did anything beyond what I took in HS for college.
This teen stuff is hard! Hope this ramble makes some sense.

[Mizelenius]

One more point . . .having a degree in ANYTHING (except maybe health care/education) does NOT guarantee a job!

[CaliCat]

getting a job

if one can find work that doesn't feel like a job, then it's not a job, it's getting paid for what one does best and enjoys. musicians rarely get "jobs" as musicians. they might get day jobs, and play gigs at night. or they might teach. or they might make great stay-at-home parents! getting a "job" isn't everything. or maybe it is. depends on the person, i guess. i have never wanted a traditional 9-5 "job." i have finally found the combination that works for me - parenting and teaching music part-time. i'm just lucky that i have a husband who is willing to work full-time and in-laws who are willing to help out from time to time. we are not rolling in the dough by any means, but we are happy. and i have an INCREDIBLE son who makes it all worthwhile...

just my two cents. read "do what you love and the money will follow." i read it when i was in high school. took me 13 years to un-condition my brain and realize the dream. now i am living the "they will come" part of "if you build it..."

[cebeasley]

The pressure is always on from "well-meaning" family. I have 7 children ages 2-22, and someone is always telling me how to raise them. Your son is young let him chill out keep up the good grades! Just remind him that money does not grow on trees and sooner or later there will be a mortgage, car payment, student loans, etc. Keeping teens aware of the expenses of a household lets them appreciate the sacrifices that parent(s) make.

[Mana Mamma]

Life is best lived in balance. We all have an obligation to find a means to contribute to our own support and we HAVE to map out a plan to pay our bills. It is good to encourage kids to think along these lines, but no decisions need to be made about this at 14. ALSO, that is not what life is all about. We also have to have a means to express our creativity and grow where we are inspired. We have to encourage kids to think along these lines too. It is a delicate art and a challenge to live in balance and I would encourage my child in ANY area they are passionate about.

Perhaps you could remind him that if he is to major in music in college, that he might also pursue the education degree or learn a trade in tandem...like being a chef. You could also remind him that he can major in something like business and play in a band or symphony on the side.

I think it is cruel to suggest to one so young that they have to choose between passion and paying basic bills. It is very possible to have both if you just think it through. Remind your son that you will support his dreams in any way you can and then just keep giving him information.

I know all about overbearing parents and they don't back off even when you tell them sometimes. Perhaps you could be honest with your son that this situation is worrying you and to come to you if he is feeling any uncomfortable pressure. Then you could sit down with G-pa together and tell him the subject is off the table for a while.

I am an MBA that is an active artist and a writer. Good Luck!!!!

[Amys1st]

Congrats on having a son who has an interest in the arts and also for having an excellent academic record.

As a freshman in high school, its enough pressure to fit in and get through the teen world, then having older people pressuring you is grounds to tune them out!


I too have a music background as well as the fine arts. My degree from the University of Ill is in Fine Arts. I ended up working in corporate America and was succesful. Also my sister studied dance and also has a degree with a minor in dance.

Point is: what I ended up doing was a million miles from what I started with (she did too!). But: no one can take away my education and I have it forever. Also I have a love for Art and Music that if I did not have a chance to study it, I may never would have had that interest.

Let your son live the next four years and it will happen. Trust me, he will find his way with or without his grandfather there.
Also, there are many 20 somethings and 30-40somethings who still do not know what they will do when they grow up.

[tea olive]

well hopefully our children can take their grandparents and anyone else's advice with a grain of salt. i don't know if interfering with that relationship is guaranteed a positive outcome. we are all trying to do our best. i think it is more important that our children feel loved no matter what: and can follow their heart and change their mind anytime along the way. it is important for us to know that too. mistakes happen and when we create them or stumble on to them we can learn from those errors. i'm not a fan of regrets, and those usually happen when we do not trust our impulses.

[wildbozmommy]

Thanks to all who responded to this thread. I have been reading the responses with great interest and taking everything into consideration. The wealth of knowledge and experience here is so wonderful!! I think that at this point, the best thing I can do is to keep the lines of communication open with my DS.