Unplanned c-section after long labor Support Thread - Page 2

[justKate]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CI Mama 

It was a very rough beginning to motherhood. And there are very few people in my life who "get" what I've been through.

[Caracol8]

I cried when I found this thread.  I need this place right now.  Although I'm still coming to terms with what's happened I want to tell my story so that others don't feel so alone or that their bodies have failed them.  I still need help believing that for myself.  

I had my c-section at 2:00am on Nov 12th, after 30 hours active holding-onto-the-furniture labor at home.  Everything seemed to be going smoothly; the pain was bearable and time was flying by.  I had been pushing for 4 hours, in all sorts of positions.  I'd push with every ounce of my being and a tiny portion of his head would appear but the contraction would end and they'd tell me to breathe before the next one.  But he just wouldn't crown.  I've never been closer to Hell.  And oh how I desired to walk through it to the other side. So badly.  "I'm walking through fire for you, Baby" is what played through my head during each contraction.  His heart rate was beautifully strong through everything.  I, on the other hand, was a mess.  I couldn't even see straight because of straining so hard.  I was sipping liquid after every contraction but I hadn't peed for quite a while and we figured maybe my full bladder was keeping him from moving down, so they inserted a catheter.  How "funny" that I thought a catheter was the pique of intervention.   When no urine came out, my midwife pulled me aside (well, while I was pushing on the toilet) and she told me that they'd let me push for 20 more minutes before highly recommending that we go to the hospital for assistance, i.e. vacuum extraction, perhaps.  I pushed as hard as I could on the birthing stool and still no baby, so everyone started getting ready to leave.  I kept waiting to wake up.  This was not happening.  

I couldn't sit because his head was right there so I kneeled in the back seat and I prayed he would just crown and come out in the car on the way to the hospital.  We got up to the L&D floor and they made me go to triage.  I was standing in that stupid, HOT room for probably 30 minutes while they monitored his heartbeat, still contracting and involuntarily pushing (primal screaming and all).  The worst part was trying to breathe through the contractions so that his heart rate wouldn't look awful and cause a panic.  All the doctors and nurses were very respectful of us and our home birth intention, which was much appreciated.  The doc checked me, felt the baby's cone-head and advised that I should go for a non-emergency c-section and spare baby the damage of the vacuum on his already-bruised head and/or to spare him from going into distress. I was so very exhausted, so tired of the uncontrollable pushes, I just wanted to disappear.  I said let's do it and thus began the excruciating slow process of getting the c-section started and done with.  Apparently I had been sweating every drop of liquid I sipped, so I was severely dehydrated and (after several tries) they could only get an IV started in my neck.  Then it took them 7 (yes, 7) attempts to get the spinal to work.  I'll never forget the nurse who held my hand while they tried to start the spinal; she was the only one who treated me like a human and not a pin-cushion.  They had actually given up on the spinal and were turning me onto my back to give me a general when I told them my feet were starting to feel warm and tingly.  So thank god the spinal finally worked because my husband was allowed to come in and be with me for the operation.  

The surgeon was actually grunting with effort when she was pulling the baby out.  She had to make a J-incision (more sadness!) and it was noted in my operative report that he was OP.  My midwives concur that he was ascynclitic: the top of his head was presenting first instead of the back.  His APGARs were 9 and 9  and he only had slight bruising on his head, hidden by his long dark hair (like a Beatle's mop-top).  I healed quickly, thanks to homeopathy, frozen sitz tea pads and my placenta smoothies.  He's nursing great and gaining weight quickly.

What hurts is that I had such a healthy, non-eventful, full-term pregnancy.  He is such a healthy baby.  So....WTF?  I guess it boils down to being a purely mechanical problem, but I can't help feeling like my body failed me.  What did I do wrong?  I still can't believe it happened the way it did.  And now I'm dealing with the fact that, although I love him, I'm not in love with him... which f@#&ing sucks.  So although I agree that "the most important thing" is that we're both alive and healthy it sure as hell is not the only important thing.  

[McGucks]

Caracol8:  Thank you for sharing your birth experience...all respect to you and your new baby for what you both went through!

I am so, so glad, too, that you found this forum and thread in particular.  I am sure you will hear from other moms with experiences similar to yours.

My toddler just pooped his D, so I've got to run, but wanted to take a moment to say both congratulations and to extend sympathy regarding such a painful, scary experience (I know those aren't exactly the right words) that was not what you had envisioned regarding how you wanted your child to come into the world.

Go give that fine boy a big fat kiss

[Kimcarrots]

I'm not sure if it would be helpful for you to read or not - but a poster on here - hmmm maybe 5 years ago had a daughter Ruby and the same situation happened to her - homebirth and pushing for hours and eventual cesarean birth.  You might be able to search the birth stories - I think she told it in 3 parts.

I am awaiting my cesarean birth on Wednesday after three homebirths and three very large tears.  The last was a 4 (out of 4) and I had to go to the hospital and have general anesthetic to close the wound.  

I spent many nights asking myself why after a healthy pregnancy/birth/ healthy baby this is how my body births.  I hope you find your answers or can live with the questions and find the healing you need.  

And many congrats on your baby!  Now the fun begins Mama :))!!
 

Originally Posted by Caracol8 

I cried when I found this thread.  I need this place right now.  Although I'm still coming to terms with what's happened I want to tell my story so that others don't feel so alone or that their bodies have failed them.  I still need help believing that for myself.  

I had my c-section at 2:00am on Nov 12th, after 30 hours active holding-onto-the-furniture labor at home.  Everything seemed to be going smoothly; the pain was bearable and time was flying by.  I had been pushing for 4 hours, in all sorts of positions.  I'd push with every ounce of my being and a tiny portion of his head would appear but the contraction would end and they'd tell me to breathe before the next one.  But he just wouldn't crown.  I've never been closer to Hell.  And oh how I desired to walk through it to the other side. So badly.  "I'm walking through fire for you, Baby" is what played through my head during each contraction.  His heart rate was beautifully strong through everything.  I, on the other hand, was a mess.  I couldn't even see straight because of straining so hard.  I was sipping liquid after every contraction but I hadn't peed for quite a while and we figured maybe my full bladder was keeping him from moving down, so they inserted a catheter.  How "funny" that I thought a catheter was the pique of intervention.   When no urine came out, my midwife pulled me aside (well, while I was pushing on the toilet) and she told me that they'd let me push for 20 more minutes before highly recommending that we go to the hospital for assistance, i.e. vacuum extraction, perhaps.  I pushed as hard as I could on the birthing stool and still no baby, so everyone started getting ready to leave.  I kept waiting to wake up.  This was not happening.  

I couldn't sit because his head was right there so I kneeled in the back seat and I prayed he would just crown and come out in the car on the way to the hospital.  We got up to the L&D floor and they made me go to triage.  I was standing in that stupid, HOT room for probably 30 minutes while they monitored his heartbeat, still contracting and involuntarily pushing (primal screaming and all).  The worst part was trying to breathe through the contractions so that his heart rate wouldn't look awful and cause a panic.  All the doctors and nurses were very respectful of us and our home birth intention, which was much appreciated.  The doc checked me, felt the baby's cone-head and advised that I should go for a non-emergency c-section and spare baby the damage of the vacuum on his already-bruised head and/or to spare him from going into distress. I was so very exhausted, so tired of the uncontrollable pushes, I just wanted to disappear.  I said let's do it and thus began the excruciating slow process of getting the c-section started and done with.  Apparently I had been sweating every drop of liquid I sipped, so I was severely dehydrated and (after several tries) they could only get an IV started in my neck.  Then it took them 7 (yes, 7) attempts to get the spinal to work.  I'll never forget the nurse who held my hand while they tried to start the spinal; she was the only one who treated me like a human and not a pin-cushion.  They had actually given up on the spinal and were turning me onto my back to give me a general when I told them my feet were starting to feel warm and tingly.  So thank god the spinal finally worked because my husband was allowed to come in and be with me for the operation.  

The surgeon was actually grunting with effort when she was pulling the baby out.  She had to make a J-incision (more sadness!) and it was noted in my operative report that he was OP.  My midwives concur that he was ascynclitic: the top of his head was presenting first instead of the back.  His APGARs were 9 and 9  and he only had slight bruising on his head, hidden by his long dark hair (like a Beatle's mop-top).  I healed quickly, thanks to homeopathy, frozen sitz tea pads and my placenta smoothies.  He's nursing great and gaining weight quickly.

What hurts is that I had such a healthy, non-eventful, full-term pregnancy.  He is such a healthy baby.  So....WTF?  I guess it boils down to being a purely mechanical problem, but I can't help feeling like my body failed me.  What did I do wrong?  I still can't believe it happened the way it did.  And now I'm dealing with the fact that, although I love him, I'm not in love with him... which f@#&ing sucks.  So although I agree that "the most important thing" is that we're both alive and healthy it sure as hell is not the only important thing.  

[Kimcarrots]

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/476446/ruby-violets-birth-story-long-home-birth-that-ended-in-c-section

Here is part one of that birth story.  I hope it helps.  

Best,

Kimberly

[mugglesmom]

I'm surprised that so many of us have had such similar experiences.  I think part of what makes me feel like so defeated is the feeling that I am alone in this.  Thank you to all of you have shared your stories.  I hope someday I can write mine down.  Every time I try it's too hard.  I just can't relive it yet. 

I hate hearing that I should just be happy that I have a healthy baby.  I'm still having a hard time bonding with my "healthy" baby.  We've had so many issues with breastfeeding that I believe we wouldn't have if I hadn't had a c-section.  I just feel like I missed a step.  You're supposed to get pregnant, go into labor, give birth, start mothering.  I didn't get to give birth, I'll never feel like I did.  So I feel like I can't start mothering.  I mean I do it and I love my baby but I just feel like I should feel something more.  When moms talk about that unbelievable love they feel for their babies when they're born I'm so envious.  I don't feel that, i wanted that so bad, it's not fair.  So I'm not just happy that I have a healthy baby, I want more.

Sorry if none of that made any sense.  I have to write quickly or I chicken out.

[neonalee]

Mugglesmom & caracol, thank you so much for the courage of the words you wire wrote. I too feel like I didn't give birth, no matter how many times I'm told I did. I too do not feel that HUGE HUGE all encompassing in love with feeling. It's made me wonder if there was something wrong with me. Why don't I feel THAT strongly? Am I incapable of giving my everything. My partner tries to reassure me about how great a parent I am but it doesn't touch this loss inside me. I did not give birth.

sent from my phone using tapatalk, please forgive typos

[Caracol8]

Thank you to all who replied to my story and shared their own struggles with feeling like we didn't give birth and that we missed out on the LOVE.  It means so much to me to have found this sisterhood.  

[canadianhippie]

YAY!! this thread is the best!

We all share the same, if not similar birth stories

Im terrified to have any more future c-sections, Ive even said I rather be knocked out for the surgery, if it comes down to it, then to be awake

I was just into 20 yrs old when I was induced (unwillingly) with cervical gel twice, received a foley catheter for around 8 hours, then oxytocin for another 8, didnt receive an epidural until 3 hrs before c-section (that hurt worse than the contractions!)

didnt get past 4 cm, which i was manually dialated to, when the doctor began to cut, i was also not frozen enough

i reached out to touch him right after he was pulled out, but was told "no dont touch him" literally

my son was admitted for 5 days in the NICU for wet lung as a result of the c-section, i pumped to bring in my supply, nursed when his resp. rate was down and walked back to my sleep room in ALOT of pain every few hours since your booted on the third morning after a c-section

it is still tingly around the incision and is very unattractive

we'll all help heal 

[CI Mama]

Regarding "loss of a birth"...I definitely feel that. I still have trouble saying that I "gave birth", though I fully recognize that my DD was born and that there was a birth. I just don't feel like I "gave" it.

I also feel a loss of a labor. While I was in my labor, I believed that everything that was happening had a purpose...it was getting me closer to meeting my baby! And every decision I made, every intervention I opted for (eventually), was with the thought "this is the thing that will finally allow my baby to emerge." At least that's how I felt for the first 32.5 hours of my 33 hour labor. But afterwards, seeing it all in hindsight, so much of it just seems like a purposeless ordeal. I have had to work really hard to not berate myself for not "understanding" that things weren't what they seemed...my contractions weren't effective, my baby wasn't moving. I have vascillated between feeling like I should have held out longer before accepting interventions, and feeling like a fool for not accepting them much sooner, when I still had some energy and they might have had a chance of working. I have even sometimes thought that I should have just given up and asked for the c-section after just a few hours. At least then I would have had some energy left for my recovery! But of course, I couldn't have known how things were going to go. And I really did believe I was getting somewhere...

A lot of my recovery has been about forgiving myself for not being able to see what was going on and where it would lead. And trying not to re-play and second guess every minute of my labor. I keep working on accepting that it was what it was. 

[mugglesmom]

I recently went to an ICAN meeting and msot women there had experienced a long labor that led to c-section.  It makes you wonder what it is that is causing all of this.  Is it just that birth lasts a lot longer than accepted by the medical community or is something causing "failure to progress" and other issues that lead to c-section after long labor.  Maybe I'm just looking for answers, I just don't want this to happen again.  It felt really cathartic to be around all of those women and just cry and hear them cry.  It was nice to not have to feel guilty about all the horrible things I think, like I can't hear others happy birth stories, even my close friends, I just hate them for getting the birth I worked so hard for.  Like I don't feel like I gave birth.  I'll say again that I'm glad this thread is here and I'm glad I found an ICAN meetin that I could finally bring myself to attend.  Some days are so hard for me and knowing that I'm not the only one helps so much.  I hope we can help each other heal.

[justKate]

I hope i can find a supportive ICAN group...i'm afraid of being judged...i don't want to be told that i'm not doing enough to achieve this VBAC. My first goal is to be mentally/emotionally PRESENT for this birth; second, to have a VBAC. It is hard to open up about the present (for me) more than the past.

[ambimama11]

I'm so glad I found this thread. After knowing that some of my friends gave birth to their babies naturally in the past couple of months, it made me realize that after 9 months I haven't gotten over my birth experience; that it still makes me sad, frustrated, and angry at myself. I cry and feel like a failure. I feel robbed of a wonderful experience. I didn't plan on having a homebirth, so with a beautiful, uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy I thought that the probability of birthing vaginally was very high, and my OB agreed. My mother and two sisters all had c-sections, so I was always very fearful of this, but the OB thought everything looked great for a normal delivery. It all began when I lost my mucus plug on a Saturday morning, and two days later I started having menstrual cramp-like pain. The OB checked and said the cervix was still fully closed, but that I would definitely be delivering at the end of the week. During the week, my doula told me to walk a lot, to take warm baths to ease the pain (as the week went by, the pain was getting a little stronger and closer together), and to rest a lot. She said I had to be well-rested for when I gave birth. On Friday night, my hubby came home from work and he was worried about me because for the last two days I hadn't been able to sleep and could definitely see it on my face. At 11pm, I was tossing and turning, feeling exhausted but didn't know if the cramp-like pain were actually contractions because my OB had told me that I wouldn't be able to speak through a contraction because of the pain, and at that moment I could. I went in for a warm bath at 1am, but this time the pain didn't ease and it was coming every 2 minutes. My husband was paranoid and called and texted the doula, but no answer. My doula and I had agreed that I would try to labor mostly at home and then would head to the hospital when she guessed I was at around 8 or 9cm, just to avoid unnecessary intervention. After still not hearing back from our doula, at 3am we headed to the hospital to see if I was dilating yet. I was at 2cm when admitted, and at 3cm an hour later so they let me stay. At 6am, the doula finally gets the texts and says she'll head over. The doula got to the hospital at 9am and my OB at noon, by then I was 4cm. At 1pm, he decides to break my water to speed things up and finds out that there's meconium in the fluid so he says he wants to do a csection. My doula and the Dr. argue about the situation and he agrees to wait and see how things go but warns me that "it will still probably be a csection" and got me on pitocin. At 3:30pm I was 6cm and my OB comes back in, saying I need the csection because baby is in distress. I beg him to please let me try to birth vaginally if there is no real danger to the baby, he agreed but left angry. At 6pm I was at 9cm and was so exhausted that I was falling asleep in between contractions and was not taking anything for the pain either. It was all really happening almost naturally, to the exception that they had me on pitocin but they took it away. At 7:30pm the contractions starting slowing down and I was at 9.5cm, i felt so much pressure and wanted to be sitting on the toilet but nurses wouldn't let me leave the bed. At that moment, the OB came marching into the room with an army of nurses, assistants, and the anesthesiologist to take me to the O.R. He told me I could be stuck at 9.5cm for a while and that pushing the baby out could take anywhere from 1 to 3 or 4 hours more. At this point, I was basically cornered against a wall and was extremely tired so I just consented to his decision. My little angel was born at 8:04pm exactly a week after I had lost my mucus plug. Physical recovery wasn't that bad, but emotionally I'm still trying to find peace. I feel like I failed, I was cheated from my birth plan, and I can't help but feel really jealous of the vaginal births of my friends. I wish really badly that next time will be better.

[amautik]

I read this thread when it was just beginning, and so many things said on this thread are resonating with me very strongly.  I don't have the heart to read the rest of the thread tonight, but maybe another time I will be ready to share my story and read everyone else's.  But I do feel that those of us on this thread share similar emotions.

My DH has been pretty supportive, but I think sometimes he thinks I obsess over it (and maybe he's right, but I think basically I just talk with him about it the most because he was there and not all my friends are understanding; he's the only one I can really talk to about it without feeling weird).

[Azadehhast]

I can't quite bear to read through this whole thread right now, but I'm so glad its here, and I'll be coming back.

This is all still very fresh for me, since my wonderful little boy is just 10 days old, but our birth was very much like the ones you all describe. A planned UC, I labored at home for 37 hours, and got fully dilated except for a swollen cervical lip. Baby was ROT the whole pregnancy, and refused to turn and put proper pressure on my cervix. About 5 hours after being dilated like this, with no progress, absolutel exhaustion on my part (I'd labored through two full nights and wasn't able to get anything more than water down the whole time) and with an absolute feeling of desperation and helplessness, we went to hospital. I labored there for 12 more hours, at the end of which, baby's heartbeat was crashing. Both of us had given everything we had, and he was dying. For a half hour or so, while we tried different things to help him out, I rubbed his bottom through my belly, and spoke loving messages to him-- that was the only thing that would keep his heartbeat up. Finally, there really wasn't any other option, and into surgery we went. He emerged a short time later, strong and healthy and cuddled, rooting, on Papa's chest. He's perfect.

At the time, watching my quiet, normal UC turn into this traumatic mess, I felt emotionally fine about what was happening. I knew We had both fought with every thing we had, and that this was so necessary and right. Now...I'm having a hard time with it. I never in my life had any doubt that I could give birth independently to a perfect, healthy child...but now that I couldn't, my self-confidence is really shaken. The whole thing feels unfair at it's core. I can't really talk about it yet, it's still too raw, but there is such turmoil in my soul.

Also, I'm sure you all understand this: people seem unable to let us mamas who've had hard births admit to them. They have to say, "oh, but look at your beautiful baby, he's so worth it"--and oh, yes, I'm so in awe of my perfect son, and I can *almost* say he's worth it, even though I wouldn't want to do it all again, but I also just need to be able to say that bringing him into the world was really, really hard.

I'm so grateful for my boy, and remembering keeping his heart going with love makes me melt. I'm so glad we didn't endure all that just to lose him, and I'm in awe of the fact of his strength, of how perfect he is now, but I can't help feeling I failed at Mothering Task Number One.

So, mamas, how do you get through? How do you mend your soul? How do you ever get the courage to try again with another birth?

[mugglesmom]

Originally Posted by Azadehhast 

At the time, watching my quiet, normal UC turn into this traumatic mess, I felt emotionally fine about what was happening. I knew We had both fought with every thing we had, and that this was so necessary and right. Now...I'm having a hard time with it. I never in my life had any doubt that I could give birth independently to a perfect, healthy child...but now that I couldn't, my self-confidence is really shaken. The whole thing feels unfair at it's core. I can't really talk about it yet, it's still too raw, but there is such turmoil in my soul.
 

I feel the same way.  When I finally gave in I felt like I was making the right decision, I even felt that way for a couple of days.  Then the doubt set it.  Every day since then I have wondered what if?  What if I'd done something differently in pregnancy?  What if I'd said no when my midwives suggested a transfer?  What if I'd rejected the the epidural?  the pitocin?  I never in a million years thought I couldn't give birth and now I feel like I haven't given birth and I don't know if I will be able to in the future.  I feel like I don't know my body.  I never felt like anything was wrong or felt like it wasn't working, but something wasn't working so how can I trust myself next time?

I don't know how I'm going to heal.  But every time I talk about it with other women who've had the same experiences I feel a tiny bit better.  I still can't hear about anyone's happy perfect natural births and maybe I won't ever be able to.  I can't listen to vbac stories either, even though I think it would be helpful for the future.  I selfishly want all women to stop birthing until I get my prefect birth.  But I worry I won't ever have the chance, I worry that I'm not capable of birth.  I want to heal though so I'm trying.  I want to have a chance so I just keep sharing with all of you and with any other women I can.  I don't know what else to do.  I still cry a lot but I'm not crying every day anymore.  I think about it every day but some days I can think about it without feeling sick inside.  I hope one day I'll be able to look back and feel I did all that I could and it was worth it but right now I don't.

[greenmulberry]

I feel like I have trouble still.

At 11months PP, I thought I was better. A friend of mine just had a smooth uncomplicated vaginal delivery, and it just made me feel like such a failure. Isn't that terrible??  But it really brought back all my terrible memories.

I really thought I was OK, but I have been crying a lot. I don't really feel like typing out my experiences, but it brings me peace to know that other people feel this way because I feel like a freak about it.

I have a lot of anger.

[pittsburrito]

You are not a freak.  It still hurts my feelings deep inside, when I hear about successful "regular" births--and I'm 18 months PP.  Hopefully, knowing that you are not the only one who still feels this sting of disappointment, will bring some comfort.  If this many of us have such similar feelings of failure/anger/sadness, etc., you can't be a freak.  My husband used to say that I was obsessing over it, so I just don't talk about it with him anymore.  But the experience is linked too closely to the motherhood I experience now on a daily basis for me to be able to leave it in the recesses of memory.  I still feel sad I wasn't able to protect my son and "do it right."  I don't know the answer of how to "get over it," and if someone does, I sure hope you will share!  I can only keep trying to move through it.  I will say that with the passing of time it has gotten easier, but it is by no means gone from my mind entirely.

[Ahappymel]

hi, my c-section was just last week, i have twins, Labored at home for 15 hrs (not long I know) then 2 hrs of pushing. twin a would not descend and my midwife suspected a posterior, odd position.

Suer enough, it was confirmed at the hospital that she was right. his head was molded to one side...proof he was not only posterior but in an odd lie. twin b (who had been breech) also flipped head down at the last minute which we think may have wedged him further.

i'm sad, sore and thinking of the way it should have gone despite two beautiful, healthy twins, sorry for bad typing...under babies.

[Caracol8]

First, Ahappymel, 15 hours is a long time. I hope you don't feel like there's a contest - we should feel totally validated for our efforts on this thread, no matter what the circumstances.

So, one of my good friends just gave birth vaginally and drug-free this afternoon.  I'm so glad that she made it before her induction date scheduled for tomorrow, but... damn it hurts.  I'm 2 months PP and the thought of something going so right still fills my stomach with cement.  From what most of you have said, i guess it'll feel this way for a long time.  Also, for the last couple days I've been really dwelling on my future pregnancies and attempting a vbac with my "j" incision.  I'm surprised that the mourning/fretting comes in waves, but I guess I've been numbing myself from the pain most of the time.  I've also been taking in my baby moment to moment without thinking too hard about my feelings for him.  He's been smiling more and more lately which helps a lot.  One thing I noticed over the holidays was how simple it was for him to be a grandson, how easy it was for our parents to be his grandparents, my sisters to be his aunties.  Like how natural it is for those relationships to spring out of the air, love-at-first-sight.  I almost resented my MIL for her lullabies, but I was glad that he was at least getting lots of pure love from so many people.  It's nice to type this out.