For me, my unplanned c section was and is still a nightmare. I'm the type of Mom who wanted to do it all naturally. With my first born, that's exactly what I did. No meds...just 6 hours of labour followed by 2.5 of pushing and out he popped! Healthy and happy. A dream birth. My second babies birth story is not the same. We were 37 weeks along and she just wouldn't turn. The dr. said "lets bring you in on Monday after the weekend and see where she is. If she's not flipped we can try and turn her then induce you. You'll be 38 weeks by then." I was so hell bent on getting that baby to turn that I physically turned her myself. I laid in my tub full of warm water to try and relax, basically spread eagle to open my pelvis as much as possible and I started moving her with my hands from outside my body. I got her about half way around (after about 45 minutes) and then headed for the bed to do downward dog in hopes that she would get the gravitational hint. She did!!! She flipped head down! That was Friday at noon. I wasn't due back at the hospital until Monday at 9am :S I pretty much stood upright all weekend hoping she wouldn't move. Monday morning came and off to the hospital we went. Ultra sound showed we had a head down little girl so up to labour and delivery only to be told that unfortunately they couldn't induce me then because there wasn't enough staff to cover a c section in case I ended up needing one. So they sent me home and told me to come back in the morning and we would get started. Thankfully by morning she was still head down. I was induced at 9am. Things were certainly taking their time and labour wasn't coming on very strong. By 5pm the dr came in and checked to make sure she was still head down, then broke my water. After that contractions really picked up. By about 8:00pm I knew we were close. Then a contraction hit and something wasn't right. The nurse came in for a random check, then left and brought another nurse in with her who also checked. By that time I was ready to push. Like body uncontrollably starting to push with no going back. Again, I wasn't on pain meds as I had planned to have a natural birth. They told me I needed to close my legs and NOT push. My contracts were less than a minute apart, I was fully dialated but with every contraction I felt like my pelvis was breaking. This felt nothing like my first birth experience. Suddenly the room was bright with spot lights and about 10 medical staff. The dr. checked and yelled for the portable ultra sound machine. All I remember hearing is a nurse saying "it's broken" and the dr. freaking out on her "what do you mean it's broken!?". My hands and arms started to seize up in a contorted shape. I didn't know what was happening. Apparently my body was going into shock and I was hyperventilating. The contractions were getting worse and they were still telling me to hold on and not push. Then they realized I was still hooked up the to drip for inducing me!!! They were telling me not to push while they had me hooked up to meds forcing me to have strong hard contractions. The dr. appeared over my face and said "the baby has flipped. She has her leg behind her back and her hand around her leg. She's trying to come out sideways and hip first. (the hip, leg and arm wrapped around the leg were presenting first). She can't come out that way. We're doing a c section." They threw scrubs at my husband and sent him off to get changed. With all of the commotion and craziness no one was really explaining anything to him. He was watching me go through an unimaginable amount of pain and didn't know if I or the baby was in danger. He started passing out from shock which made the nurses keep telling him if he couldn't get it together he couldn't come into the OR. Nothing like being terrified and devasted and then thinking your only support isn't allowed to be with you. Thankfully he pulled it together and made it to the OR. We were about 30 minutes in at this point...still not on any meds, still uncontrollably trying to push every single minute while being told not to. The anesthesiologist asked for my paper word to see my blood results and no one knew where it was so we had to wait on that. Finally they put my spinal in and I felt nothing. I was in absolute shock and a level of fear I have never had. Tears just poured from my eyes without me making a sound. I could feel every tug and pull and then I heard her. She cried. It was 9:56pm. Over an hour after I felt the urge to push in the first place. My husband held up his phone over the curtain and took photos of her as they were taking her out. As horrible as it sounds, they are my most treasured photos. Hard to look at, but they are her first moments. They wrapped her up and brought her to my husband who laid her beside my face. My first moments with my baby girl and I couldn't touch her :( Everything in me wanted to reach out and grab her up in my arms, but I couldn't. After that I don't remember much. I have no idea how long I was getting stitched up or how long it took me to get back to my room. I have a vague memory of being wheeled past my husband who was holding her. I don't remember holding her for the first time. I don't remember breastfeeding her for the first time. I don't remember our first night together. I woke up the next morning and that's where my memories come back. My 4 day stay at the hospital was, looking back on it, 4 days of shock and avoiding the thought. I got home with her and instead of the great big welcome home baby girl moment I had dreamed of...I had to struggle just to get to the couch and more or less was in so much pain that I missed her real entrance into our home. This time around there were no photos at the front door before going in, no photos of her first moments at home. It was getting her in and making sure I was situated. My 2 year old son fell and hit his head within the first hour of being home and I couldn't get up to get him and comfort him. That night he woke in the middle of the night from a bad dream and I couldn't go hold him and help him back to sleep. My husband, thankfully is amazing and took over everything. But that night he came back to our room and I was crying because I felt like being a Mom had been taken away from me. I couldn't hold my 2 year old. I couldn't get up to get my baby when she cried. I couldn't even sit up in bed on my own. I felt useless and robbed. Over the course of the next few days being home it really started to sink in what had happened. I started feeling like I had been pregnant twice but only given birth once. Like I might as well have been a spectator on the other side of a glass window for my daughters birth. I felt like I was gutted. I laid awake on a table while someone cut my baby out of me. Nothing that I can think of could be more unnatural. It wrecks me. I feel like in a weird way the loss of giving birth to her is sort of like she somehow died. Yet I still have her. Her birth is a moment I can't get back. There isn't a redo button for that. The memories of the first time holding her and feeding her are gone (thankfully my husband took pictures). Those are moments and memories I can't get back. It's a sense of loss that I can't even fully describe. I know some women don't have such a hard time with it, everyone feels the same situation differently, but why on earth is it not talked about publicly what a horrible thing a c section CAN be..?? I had no idea before going through it. You hear c section and you think birth. You don't pitty the woman or feel any emotion for her other than "oh you had a baby! Congrats!" Now when I hear c section I want to cry for that woman. I saw on my facebook newsfeed a few moments ago that a girl I know just had her baby. Vaginally. I felt a rush of anger and sadness. Happy for her that she had her little girl. But I wanted to cry for myself. I lost the birth of my little girl.