DD and friend playing doctor...

[One Art]

I'm not even sure this is a question... I just want to see if other moms have had this experience to evaluate where my response fits in. I would love to hear from others who have been through similar situations!

DD2, who is 5, just told me that she likes to pull pants down - her stepmom's mostly, but she tried it on me last night and has apparently tried it on her dad before. When I asked her why she said she likes to feel between the butt cheeks. I asked her if she ever had, and she said no. I talked to her about how it wasn't ok because people need to have a say over their own bodies and that it wouldn't be ok for anyone to do it to her either. She said ok, and seemed to understand...

Her old sister then revealed that DD2 had also told her about some things she'd done at daycare with a friend, one year older than her. Apparently DD2 and friend were hiding in the closet and looking at each other's vaginas. DD2 confirmed this and said they never touched them, but did touch each other's butts. She said they also experimented with kissing. The friend apparently also urged DD2, another time, to kiss some of the boys in the daycare, which DD2 did. I asked her why, and DD2 giggled and said "because she's my friend!" I asked DD2 if it was ok that DD1 was telling me all this stuff, and DD2 nodded and she did seem ok with all my questions... I didn't like the sound of her friend telling her to kiss the boys, but she didn't seem to be bothered by it. I reminded her that she could always say no and that she should never do anything she was uncomfortable with.

I am not sure if this falls in the realm of normal childhood curiosity about bodies and curiosity about adult things (like kissing), or if I should be concerned about DD2 having felt pressured in any way... she was relatively free in answering my questions and didn't seem upset, but she also hadn't been the one to offer the information to me. I talked to her sister later and told her that I would like her to mention things to me only if she were worried or concered about DD2. I don't want DD2 to lose trust in her sister, especially if she isn't talking to me - but I do want to hear about things that might be concerning.

We talked a lot about what you do when you feel uncomfortable and how it's not ok to let someone make you uncomfortable. Again, I didn't sense that DD2 was uncomfortable at all, but I am always worried about girls (mine, and all girls in general) being molested, pressured, abused, etc. And so I want to be really sure that I'm not missing any cues.

And DD2's friend is the daughter of a really good friend of mine... do I bring this up with her? Mention it casually?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or similar experiences!

[silversparrow]

my first question would be, how was this going on a daycare unnoticed?

[tooraloora]

Originally Posted by silversparrow 

my first question would be, how was this going on a daycare unnoticed?

This is my first question as well.

As for whether or not you should talk to the girl's mother, I would. If it were my daughter, I'd want to know, and I would hope that a good friend wouldn't keep it from me. I'm not one to freak over childhood experimentation, but it is definitely something I'd want to be aware of, and I'd want the opportunity to discuss it with my daughter.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by silversparrow 
 

my first question would be, how was this going on a daycare unnoticed?

Mine too.

I think this is in the realm of normal childhood curiosity about bodies and curiosity about adult things, though it should still be addressed. This type of thing was actually an issue in my daughter's K class; not to the extent of pulling down pants for a closer look, though I think some of the boys wanted to show off their "bits", and there was an issue with touching each others butts (outside clothes) -- dd's teacher actually sent home a couple of letters the first month asking parents to discuss/review the rules about touching other people. My dd apparently was the "affectionate one" in the class this year; her teacher said that she has one or two each year who take the affection they get at home and apply it to everyone. Apparently she kissed a girl on the lips (freaked her out a bit) and was hugging a lot; there was also an issue with classmates telling her to kiss other classmates, usually boys, and she did. I haven't heard anything about this since about the first week of October though.

I suggest looking through "I Said No!" and see if it one you'd want to read with your dds.

Originally Posted by tooraloora 
 

As for whether or not you should talk to the girl's mother, I would. If it were my daughter, I'd want to know, and I would hope that a good friend wouldn't keep it from me. I'm not one to freak over childhood experimentation, but it is definitely something I'd want to be aware of, and I'd want the opportunity to discuss it with my daughter.

[Neera]

I was 'caught' experimenting with the neighbor's boys (3 brothers, one my age, one younger and one a year older) when I was probably 3 or 4. The boys' aunt walked into the balcony and got really upset and went straight to my dad to complain. I have never ever gotten over how she freaked me out. I carried that guilt with me for a v. long time. The thought of it still scares me. My father of course, being as cool as he was, never said a thing to her or me. When we were 'caught,' it was the 2nd time we were involved in such activity. I didn't tell my mom about it the 1st time and I don't know why.

[One Art]

Thank you all... Yes, Neera, I am trying to navigate this carefully because I don't want her to feel ashamed or like it's something she can't talk to me about. My instinct so far has been that it falls within normal childhood exploration, but I do want to try to make sure she knows what is ok and what she needs to set boundaries on when it comes to her body and others' bodies.

As for why it has gone unnoticed in the daycare... I can only attribute this to the fact that both DD2 and her friend are seen to be the sweet innocent ones... I don't think it would have occured to my provider that they might be doing anything other than innocently playing somewhere... While she is watchful and I trust her, I also know that some of the younger kids can avert her attention at times with tantrums, diaper changes, etc. I feel like I should mention it to her... but may wait until I talk to my friend so that we can discuss the best way of bringing it up.

Emmeline II, I will look into those books, I've never heard of them. Thank you for the recommendation.

[Neera]

I would be a little worried about how your friend will react to this. She might have a different response than you and it might hurt her child or worse if she decides to talk about it (innocently) to your dd as well. Just a thought.

 

Originally Posted by One Art 

Thank you all... Yes, Neera, I am trying to navigate this carefully because I don't want her to feel ashamed or like it's something she can't talk to me about. My instinct so far has been that it falls within normal childhood exploration, but I do want to try to make sure she knows what is ok and what she needs to set boundaries on when it comes to her body and others' bodies.

As for why it has gone unnoticed in the daycare... I can only attribute this to the fact that both DD2 and her friend are seen to be the sweet innocent ones... I don't think it would have occured to my provider that they might be doing anything other than innocently playing somewhere... While she is watchful and I trust her, I also know that some of the younger kids can avert her attention at times with tantrums, diaper changes, etc. I feel like I should mention it to her... but may wait until I talk to my friend so that we can discuss the best way of bringing it up.

Emmeline II, I will look into those books, I've never heard of them. Thank you for the recommendation.