coping with over-eager husband

[Jula]

Hi,

I am hoping for some advice on how to deal with an over-enthusiastic husband. I found out I was pregnant last week (about 4 weeks along), and hubby has been grinning from ear to ear since and won't quit being hyper about the whole thing. He made a doctor's appointment for me within 24 hours, is planning various logistical issues for when the baby gets here, etc. Today, I came home to a three course meal that was full of stuff that was supposed to be good for me - from pumpkin soup to a pear and lime tastebud cleanser between courses, etc. I don't want to complain as I would rather have it this way than the opposite but... it's too much! And it's too much pressure! I told him about the single glass of wine I'd had before I knew, and the twice a day cups of coffee which I've also stopped, and of course he's worried about that too now. How do I get him to calm down?

[lunabug911]

Do you really want him to calm down? Some women would love for their husband to be that happy and excited. The one thing I can say to do is maybe sit him down and talk to him. Your only 4 weeks and just found out, the excitement will settle down after a little time has gone by. 

[MrsSlocombe]

A study in England showed that the babies of women who drank lightly during pregnancy were better off than those of women who a) drank heavily (the worst-off group) or b) didn't drink at all.  Surprising, huh?  (So why am I still not drinking?  I guess it just seems to good to be true.)  Pregnant Europeans sometimes drink coffee, too.  At any rate, it is very rare for a woman to refrain from both of these things while she is trying to conceive, so most women have just your experience.

Re:  the dinners, no, don't try to stop that!

I would explain how you feel about some of the logistical stuff.  I would be miffed if my husband made me a doctor's appointment without my asking him to, because I would obviously want to decide the doctor (I hope he asked you), and the day and time.  You could also explain that the first trimester is by far the least certain, and plan making can begin more in earnest after you guys have a heartbeat.

Congratulations, by the way!

[cristeen]

Honestly, it's been a week.  Give the poor guy a little time, and things will calm down.  My DH was super hyper with our first, for probably a month.  He slowly calmed down.  Now that we're on #3, we're cautiously optimistic most of the time, and at times grinning like fools.  Some people just get really excited about it, and that's perfectly okay. 

I definitely wouldn't discourage the cooking, unless you're having nausea or food aversions.  But like the pp said, I'd discuss the doctor appointment, since that's overstepping a bit in my book. 

[aeterna]

Aww, I think that's really sweet of him. =)

I really wouldn't try to discourage him at all - as others have said, he'll probably relax as time goes by and he gets used to the idea. In the meantime, just take advantage of his solicitousness ;) and appreciate that your partner is so enthusiastic (and hope it stays that way after the birth! LOL). 

If it bothers you that he made the appointment without telling you, just say something like, "Hon I really appreciate you doing that for me, but next time could we talk about the doctor/the appointment date beforehand? I would like to be involved in that stuff, too."

Otherwise I'd stick to "Wow, what an amazing meal. I'll get the dishes!"

[Jula]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I'm not really annoyed at him making that doctor's appointment as it was discussed with me first. I was just taken aback by the eagerness of it all - it was an international call and we would have been home a couple days later as well. 

MrsSlocombe - thanks for the reassuring mention of that study. I had come across it, but then also found another one that came out of the UK a few months later than contradicted it, as all studies seem to do these days. I have been secretly worried about that one glass of wine myself though as there is consensus in much of the literature about the ill effects of alcohol on pregnancy. I have been frantically researching the issue myself (maybe I am as bad as hubby ha!) and found a 2011 synthesis of 36 studies that investigated the relationship between alcohol dosage and low birth weight, preterm birth, and "small for gestational age" which showed that while high levels of alcohol consumption increased the risks of all three, low to moderate drinking had no effect. Well, here's hoping I didn't do too much damage. This is our first, if it isn't obvious yet.

As for DH, I have tried sitting him down and telling him to calm down. I have talked about the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy and an empty sac. Doesn't work. He grins every time I have to go pee. And he woke me up today with a two course breakfast. Maybe I just need to give him time. Or get as excited.

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by Jula 
And he woke me up today with a two course breakfast. Maybe I just need to give him time. Or get as excited.

Wow...I think I love your husband too!    Congratulations and good luck with everything (don't worry about the drinking and caffeine--it's really fine!  All the studies are on way more intake than you had.  The baby hadn't even really implanted yet likely!).

[LivingSky]

I think it's important to remember that this is a huge thing for your DH too. We tend to think about how pregnancy affects us since we're carrying the baby, but it is a big change/adjustment for the hubbies as well. He may not know quite how to act and being hyper excited about it is his way of coping. It will wear off and things will go back to normal, so enjoy him spoiling you while you can Then if you're really lucky, all that enthusiasm will come back when babe is born!

About the wine and caffeine - seriuosly, don't worry about it. I quit caffeine while trying to get pregnant, and then started again after 7 months of trying and got my BFP that month. I was working full time so coffee helped keep me sane! I didn't drink much coffee after about 8 weeks because babe decided he didn't like it, but he had no ill effects from the caffeine at all. Oh, and I am a believer in the European stance on drinking while pregnant - in moderation, it's fine. Health care practitioners in North America have to say absolutely NO to alcohol 1. for liability reasons and 2. because us in North America have difficulty with the idea of moderation! A bit of wine here or there is not a big deal. A whole bottle of wine, well, that's a problem But one glass? Don't stress. Besides, what will stressing about it now accomplish?

[brneyedmama]

Well, let me tell you, hind sight is 20/20.  DH was the same way with #1 and even though I knew it was sweet and adorable, it also drove me crazy at times.  The constant talking to my belly, the constant worry that I was gonna break, etc etc.  However, now that we're expecting #2 and DD is only 14 months and requires a lot of attention -I get none of that now.  Enjoy it while it lasts -he'll calm down soon, and even if he doesn't -be thankful you have an excited, pro-active husband who's going to be an amazing father, because there's lots of women out there not that fortunate,  congrats!

[becoming]

I think I'm the way your husband is, and my husband is the way you are. Be careful with how you react to him, because it hurts to be the excited one & to have your spouse be the nonexcited one.

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by LivingSky 

I think it's important to remember that this is a huge thing for your DH too. We tend to think about how pregnancy affects us since we're carrying the baby, but it is a big change/adjustment for the hubbies as well. He may not know quite how to act and being hyper excited about it is his way of coping. It will wear off and things will go back to normal, so enjoy him spoiling you while you can Then if you're really lucky, all that enthusiasm will come back when babe is born!

ditto! 

[Jula]

Originally Posted by becoming 

I think I'm the way your husband is, and my husband is the way you are. Be careful with how you react to him, because it hurts to be the excited one & to have your spouse be the nonexcited one.

You're probably right. As in the discrepancy in levels of excitement is probably half the problem. The thing is, I am finding it really hard to get excited about the next year or so however much I would like to be. What excites me about having a kid is being able to teach it things about the world, reading it stories and having it make up stories back to me, or chatting about a movie or a book afterwards... but I don't think I'm going to get to do much of that for the first two years at least. And I have never been one of those people who thinks babies are naturally cute and adorable, so that doesn't help. From the little reading I've done of other people's experiences, it seems that the first few months are horrendous - folks talk about sleep deprivation and breastfeeding pain and constant feedings and diaper changes... I just don't understand what there is to look forward to about all that. DH has volunteered to change all diapers (and I actually believe he will, he's that gaga) and explains his enthusiasm in terms of a need to take care of a little one that you've just brought into the world. Obviously I'll take care of it, but looking forward to it is a different thing. It seems like something to get through before the good stuff can come along. I do envy all you moms-to-be who can actually look forward to and enjoy the infant days as well. I just wish I could understand what there is to look forward to about it.