Creating Rules, Schedule, Routine, Responsibility for DH

[featherstory]

I realized one of the issues between DH and I, for me is that he doesn't communicate with me or the kids very well. 

We're going on 7 years together and some of the same issues include cleaning.

He has deliberately avoided and ridiculed the ideas of routine and schedules.  He seems to like to let things pile up and eventually save us all by doing a big clean, but it takes forever for him to care enough to do anything.

It happens like this continuously because he does not clean up after himself on a regular basis.  He leaves wrappers out, he lives dishes everywhere, he doesn't really put anything away, ever.

I clean up after him and everyone.  I make all the meals, then I get burned out and I can't do it anymore...I get depressed about it.

I realize, although I do tell him where to put things, where things go, what my plans/goals are, etc.  Its not enough for him...I find it too difficult and frustrating to have to tell him what to do every time.  I'm already doing that with my 4 year old, who puts her things away and cleans up after herself a lot more than he does, despite so many things being out of her reach. 

Over and over again I try to organize our home and it doesn't last very long.  There is so much to this story really, but I need to create some rules for family living.  I'm definitely doing way more of everything for every one and I have no clue how things got this way.  There was a time when he contributed in other ways, making meals, doing laundry, budgeting, helping with the kids...now he's not doing that.

I'm expecting a lot of effort and change from him because I want this to work out, but I want to  be really clear about what I want and what I expect, and I want to communicate with him clearly about his responsibilities, about what is needed for everyone and for our home to really work.

I'm absolutely tired of this happening and I won't let it happening again without being able to see exactly how it happened.  I think he seriously underestimates what needs done, what gets done without him, what I do for him and the kids and even letting things go doesn't help him to see what needs to be done. 

I've created a family binder and I need to write some things out to help him see what we're doing, what we need from him and just to "show our work" like you would in a math class.  In December I'm leaving with our kids to visit my family, and I need to see that he is putting in some effort before we leave and when we come back things need to be in order. 

I could really use some perspective on the kinds of things that you expect from the other parent in your home, the things you do, and how to show what happens, needs to be done and keep track of that information.  I hope this makes sense.

[mattemma04]

Clean up after yourself only.The mistake is made when you pick up after people.They will never learn when you do it for them.Start teaching your child to clean up.The child might motivate the parent.

Have dh watch a few hoarders/buried alive episodes,and tell him that is where he is headed with his behavior.Notice I say HE not us. There is no reason you have to put up with a slob.If anyone gets lazy/sloppy around me their stuff will disappear. If dh got really bad I would move out.

Try getting rid of most things.Just enough dishes.Just enough cloths. No extra.No nicknacks.Less clutter is less mess.As for dirt and such sometimes they only see it when you don't clean. I would not join in on a big clean.

If it keeps repeating you will have to decide if you really want to live like this. It might seem silly to leave someone over their lack of cleaning,but if it stresses you out so much you should.Atleast take a break from it.Do counseling together or alone to help you sort through this.

[donnabc]

OMG, I think I have your husband's clone!

I sat the family down (DH, 44; DSS, 19; and DS, 12) and assigned each one of them chores.  Yep, hubby included.  I too was sick and tired of working 40 to 50 hours, doing the carpool, shopping, cooking and cleaning with minimal to no help.

So they all have assigned chores now: 

DH is to cook and clean up after one dinner & one weekend breakfast a week, change the oil and brake pads on our 3 cars as needed, and do his own laundry, (about once a month he already sweeps and mops the kitchen :0) ...really all I added was the cooking.

DSS-19 is to do the dishes, and take the garbage out, mow the yard, and do his own laundry.

DS-12 is to set the table every night, fold one load of towels a week, roll the garbage can up to the house after pickup, give the puppy water and let her out every day.

And yes I do have to keep on them...every day.  But I figure after a few years of listening to me it will become habit, lol.

As far as someone here saying to pick up after only yourself, ummm tried that.  Seriously.  All three of them just walked right by trash cans overflowing, and dishes piled in the sink.  It's like I was the ONLY one who could see it.  DSS and DH would actually wash ONE GLASS when they were all dirty so they could get a drink!  And if the trashcan is full, no problem, they just pile it up on the counter next to it!

[yeahwhat]

Originally Posted by donnabc 
As far as someone here saying to pick up after only yourself, ummm tried that.  Seriously.  All three of them just walked right by trash cans overflowing, and dishes piled in the sink.  It's like I was the ONLY one who could see it.  DSS and DH would actually wash ONE GLASS when they were all dirty so they could get a drink!  And if the trashcan is full, no problem, they just pile it up on the counter next to it!

This is exactly what has happened around here when I don't do things for everyone.  My 12yo doesn't mind taking the recycling out, but he seriously doesn't seem to notice that the bin is overflowing until it's pointed out to him.  No one else notices how gross the bathroom gets when it isn't cleaned at least every other day, but since I have to use it too, there is no way I'm letting go and just waiting for them to notice.  Same with all the things on the floor and left out in the kitchen that I'm constantly tidying up. 

For the OP, you can't make another adult clean up.  What is your plan if your dh continues on with his current habits?  Ultimatums only create tensions unless you have real consequences that you're willing to follow through on.

[IsaFrench]

maybe starting investigating in a very open way how much it's going to cost to have someone come in and do what's not done ... might possibly make the other adult in the household more willing to participate & help with getting the children do some chores ?

[erigeron]

I've found my husband needs to feel he has "buy-in" or he chafes under my regulations. How to get buy-in may vary. I'm trying a "clean zone" plan where I have certain zones of the house that MUST be clear by bedtime, and I told him he can start picking the new zones, so that got him more interested in that. Maybe figuring out where he sees a problem and then how you can fix that problem, so that you are working on something he also believes in.