Do you agree with gender specific birthday parties and if so, from what age?

[Boot]

This issue has just come up in our family. Ds (4) has been left out of an all girls party. The birthday girl is his 'best friend'. I'm surprised that this has come up so soon and also, I'm surprised how strongly I feel about it now my kid is the one being left out. I used to think it was a sensible way to keep the numbers under control but now I think it's teaching kids that it's ok to exclude based on gender. I just can't fathom allowing my kid to leave his friends out of his party based on something that is outwith their control. And, for the record, ds loves all things princess and sparkly so its not that he wouldnt enjoy it.

Anyway, I'm just wondering what others experiences and thoughts are. 

[swd12422]

Up until this week, DS (4) has been excluded from all the girls' parties in his class. He has been invited to all the boys' parties, some of which included the whole class and some included only the boys. Unless it's a really small class, or everyone there really are friends, I don't agree with inviting the entire class just to avoid excluding anyone (unless there's only one child not considered a "friend" and then that's different) and I don't agree with exclusion based on gender (or race, or anything else like that). Birthday parties are for celebrating with FRIENDS, whoever they are. If you're not a friend, you're not invited.

I'm sure someone will point out the error of my thinking here, but I do agree that it seems wrong to exclude a real friend just b/c of gender.

[beanma]

We've done all girls parties several times and we've done the whole class parties several times. We're doing another all girls party soon (for my dd2's 8th b-day) mainly because my dd2 is not friends with the boys in her class. This is a new school for her and she hasn't known many of the boys for very long and hasn't connected with any of them. She did invite all the girls in her class, though, since she enjoys playing with most of them. I had to encourage her to invite ALL the girls. She initially wanted to leave 2 girls out and I just couldn't see doing that. She also invited several friends that she doesn't go to school with. The party is at a public place. 

If my child was friends with one or two boys in particular I might encourage her to invite her boy friends, but since she isn't friends with the boys it's a nice arbitrary cut off. I don't like exclusion (hence strongly encouraging her to invite the two girls she wanted to leave out), but it's her birthday party and I don't want to make her invite people she's not friends with. It seems like I struggle with this every year. I think I am just not a natural party mama. 

I think it may be that parents who exclude a kid of the opposite gender who is a friend are doing so in an effort to draw the line somewhere because their child doesn't want to invite the other kids of that gender who they are not close friends with. It's hard to figure it out sometimes. 

I like mixed gender parties, but really I like small parties, and that's hard to accomplish without leaving someone out. 

ETA: As far as teaching gender exclusion, it's common developmentally, that boys play with boys and girls play with girls. Of course, there is some mixed gender play, which is great. However, if you have a child who does not have friends of the opposite gender, should you "make" them invite kids (who are not their friends) of the opposite gender just for the sake of not teaching gender exclusion?

Edited by beanma - 11/26/11 at 9:23am

[mamazee]

My daughter usually has both boys and girls at her parties, but she has had all-girl parties. Most parties of kids older than about 4 are gender specific around here. Even at 4, they're often "princess parties" with only girls all dressed in princess dresses. I suppose if a girl wanted one of these princess parties she might only invite friends who are girls even if she often played with boys as well. She wouldn't necessarily ask the boys ahead of time if they'd want to go to a princess party.

I'd get used to your ds not getting invited to every birthday party for every friend though. Parties are expensive and people can't afford to invite everyone. He'll have a hard time if he feels personally excluded every time he doesn't get invited to a party. He will also find himself in the position of having 8 really good friends and only being able to invite 5 somewhere.

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't agree with it. I think it's really weird, TBH. It just so happens that all my friends in elementary school were girls -- so in my case, yeah, I just invited girls, because I had no boy friends. But my sister had a 50/50 mix of boy & girl friends (some years almost all boys, actually), why on earth would she exclude her good friends just because they were male???

And now, my 2.5yo DS has all female friends. He would be devastated to be excluded from a party because it was 'girls only' and I can't imagine any of his friends doing that. He doesn't care if he's the only boy at a gathering. But so far we have only been to parties for up to age 5, maybe this will change in a few years...

Basically, I believe that kids should invite their friends, whoever that may be, regardless of race/religion/gender/etc. I also believe that if the kid is part of a group (class, close group of friends, kids in a mom's group, whatever) that an effort should be made to avoid excluding just one or two kids in that group. So don't invite 9 of the 10 kids and leave the last one out, either invite all 10 or just pick the 2-3 closest to celebrate with if you don't have room for everyone.

[rubidoux]

I hate the gender exclusion thing.  Milo is 8 and I have seen very little of it in his play.  When I have seen it, it's been when a new kid is added to the mix and it usually doesn't last long.  I think I got lucky because the parents of the kids we tend to hang out with aren't big on gender-izing in general.  None of the girls we know are super girly, or they will show up to playgroup one day in something pink and frilly and the next in jeans and a tee shirt.  We used to have a very close friend who was very much into the pink princess barbie cr*p and her dd was all about princesses all the time, but Milo was much younger then and loved this little girl and was completely thrilled to dress up with her and walk around in her high heels.  If she had had a princess party I have no doubt he would have loved it.  

I've gotten lucky because Milo's been in such small classes that people usually just invite everyone.  There is one kid in his class (parent?) who hasn't done this and they've left out Milo every year (these kids have all been together for four years now) and now all of the sudden this kid and Milo are like best friends.  I don't necessarily think that everybody needs to invite everybody to their party, but I do think Milo has bonded with kids he wouldn't have otherwise if he wasn't going to parties with them.  And he and this kid would probably have liked each other all along if they were more open.  It would be different if it was a class of 30, but their class is really small.  I think it's always been between 11 and 15.  

[beanma]

Originally Posted by rubidoux 

I think I got lucky because the parents of the kids we tend to hang out with aren't big on gender-izing in general.

And our situation is that we happen to be friends with families that have girls. Both dd1 and dd2 closest friends are all girls, either only children or with little sisters. The girls and parents aren't big on gender-izing either, but they just haven't made a close connection with any boys. They're not super frilly, but are not particularly rowdy and are fond of imaginative play primarily. In preschool dd1 had a boy friend who liked those sorts of things, but he went on to a different school. A lot of the boys they've been in contact with do like more physical play. My girls would, I think, be up for playing their kind of games with boys, but not so much for changing their play just so they could play with boys. Give it some time and I'm sure it will change.

FWIW, I was a total tomboy as a kid and one of my closest friends when I was little was the son of my mom's good friend down the street. He was a year younger, though, so when we got to school he wasn't in my classes.  

[One_Girl]

I think four is a little young for this type of party but I don't see a problem with them. My DD went to her first all girls party last year, second grade, and had an almost all girls party this year. The only boy was her friend she has known since she was two. My DD hangs out mostly with girls so it is a non-issue for us. It sucks to be left out but it is something kids work through for a variety of reasons beyond gender. This probably won't be the only party he isn't invited to and at least this way you have an explanation for why he couldn't go so you can spare his feelings.

[LynnS6]

Around here, it seems to start about 8-9, depending on the type of birthday party and who the kids' friends are. Kids who have sleepovers have gender specific parties. When ds wanted to go bowling for his 10th birthday, we invited both boys and girls. When dd wanted to go swimming for her 7th birthday, we invited boys and girls. When she was in Kindergarten, she didn't have many boys to invite, and so invited only girls.

Ds was invited to a few parties at age 7-8 where he was the only boy, and it was a little awkward for him (at one point in time, the girls were trying to get a girl to kiss him -- the mom put a stop to that ASAP, but it reduced his enthusiasm for parties with girls a lot).

IMO, 4 is too young for gendered birthday parties. There's nothing that 4 year olds usually want to do that needs to be gender specific, IMO.

[ameliabedelia]

I tend to think that gender-specific parties are just an easy way to keep guest numbers down without anyone feeling hurt or excluded.  Sure...it's easy to say "just invite your friends" but that can get complicated when a child has different groups of friends (ie. neighborhood friends, school friends, church friends,  scout friends etc.) and then you get into situations like "if we invite these neighbors, then we need to invite those neighbors" or "if we invite these 3 girls from our girl scout troop then we really should invite the 4th",  Add siblings of guests that may or may not need to come along and things can get very complicated. 

We do birthday parties every year and every year I majorly stress over the guest list.  You think I would learn by now now to have them, but my kids love having a birthday party with their friends.  We've done all girl parties and we've done mixed-gender parties. I do find that all-girl ones are a bit easier to manage (due to smaller numbers) and easier to find activities that everyone likes.

[Peony]

I don't have a problem with it. Even if the OP's DS plays really well with the girl, he could be the only boy that she would want to invite and then that could be awkward so they could be faced with inviting more boys that the DD may not want there or making it girls only. DD1's class at school only has 2 girls in it out of 15 kids. She isn't invited to most birthday parties  even though all the boys like her. Her birthday is coming up soon and I gave her the choice of a class party or inviting the one girl out to go bowling, she choose the one girl over having a party. DD2 turned 5 last month and she wanted to only invite her girls from her class which I did veto because her class only has 2 boys in it (I know talk about gender imbalance at the school!) but then I felt like I had invite more boys because there was no telling if both boys would show up so then I opened the party up to all siblings since a lot of the girls had boy siblings.  Party planning gets crazy sometimes.  

[AllisonR]

The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful. Gender-specific parties not necessarily to exclude the opposite sex, but more to have a pleasant party where you can manage the amount of kids.

There are 25 kids in my sons class. 15 boys. There is just no way that my DH and I, both who have to take an afternoon off work, can watch 25 6 year olds. So we did boys only. It was overwhelming enough with the 13 boys who showed up. This year they were mostly 7 years, and only 12 boys, and that one year made a big difference in maturity. But no, I can't do 25 kids at once at that age by myself.

DD just turned 5, and she wanted an all girl party. She only has 12 in her kindergarten, and here the teachers also come, so it could have easily been the whole class. But she is mostly friends with the girls and this was what she wanted. 

[WindyCityMom]

Originally Posted by AllisonR 

The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful. Gender-specific parties not necessarily to exclude the opposite sex, but more to have a pleasant party where you can manage the amount of kids.

I think it's a bit strange for the school to dictate who to invite and who not to... I mean, it's your party, kwim?  Say you can only manage six kids- say you're of the mentality that you only invite the number of kids as the kid's age.  How would that work?  Only allowed to invite family?

I hate the gender role dividing line.  My kids are having a birthday party next month.  Of the 8 invited, 5 are boys, and 3 are girls.  The party is for two girls...

[Boot]

Thanks for all the feedback. I actually agree that girl or boy only parties are fine when the child doesn't have friends of the opposite gender. In our case, however, DS is mostly friends with girls. He wouldn't even notice if he was the only boy at a party. It's happened several times. The birthday girl and ds have grown up together from birth, almost like cousins, and used to spend loads of time together but this year she's in a different class and seems to be growing away from him. He would still say she is his best friend however. He doesn't know anything about this and I'm not going to tell him if i can help it. I love that he doesn't see any limitations of gender yet and I want him to keep enjoying friends for who they are, not their gender. I'm just sad that its even an issue at his age. 

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by Boot 

This issue has just come up in our family. Ds (4) has been left out of an all girls party. The birthday girl is his 'best friend'. I'm surprised that this has come up so soon and also, I'm surprised how strongly I feel about it now my kid is the one being left out. I used to think it was a sensible way to keep the numbers under control but now I think it's teaching kids that it's ok to exclude based on gender. I just can't fathom allowing my kid to leave his friends out of his party based on something that is outwith their control. And, for the record, ds loves all things princess and sparkly so its not that he wouldnt enjoy it.

Anyway, I'm just wondering what others experiences and thoughts are. 

I'm a bit anti birthday party. Dd hasn't had a party since she was 3 years old.

I feel that children should have the people they truly want at their party rather than who is in their class. I think the idea that you must invite everyone you know is more problematic than a single gender party.  I feel that a lot of kids would enjoy spending their birthday with one or two good friends or just family and skipping a big party every year but because everyone else has a party they must reciprocate. I would think kids wouldn't really separate by gender until they were at least  6 or 7 years old. I wouldn't hesitate to invite boys and girls to the same party. There are plenty of activities and themes that would appeal to all children.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Boot 
 The birthday girl and ds have grown up together from birth, almost like cousins, and used to spend loads of time together but this year she's in a different class and seems to be growing away from him.

I suspect that this is more the issue than a 'gender specific' party. It's sad when friends grow apart, but it does happen. The boy who was ds' good neighborhood friend last year essentially dropped him completely this fall. While I wasn't all that sad (the boy is 12 to ds' 10, and puberty is not improving him), it was hard on ds.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by AllisonR 

The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful.

I don't agree with you that it's rude and hurtful to only invite your friends to your birthday parties.  My dd has 20 kids in her class and usually invites about 4-5 of them to her party (the ones she considers her closest friends), and also invites family friends, neighbours, etc.  I do think it is rude and hurtful to leave out just one kid, or invite all the girls but one, or that kind of thing.  But I don't feel like there's anything inherently wrong in inviting only the handful of classmates who you are actually good friends with.  FWIW we always make an effort to be discreet with invitations, either calling or emailing the invitee, or (if we don't have their phone number or email address) slipping them an invitation at school but trying to keep it "under the radar".  In kindergarten we could put invitations in dd's bag and the teacher would take them out and distribute them to the other kids' bags without anyone else knowing about it.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 


I suspect that this is more the issue than a 'gender specific' party. It's sad when friends grow apart, but it does happen.

I had the same thought... maybe if they were still just as close, she would have invited him regardless of gender, but this works as a good 'excuse' since they are now growing apart...

[MamaMunchkin]

As several PPs alluded, there seem to be 2 issues - not being invited and gender-specific party.

Gender-specific party:

For a few bdays DD wanted just girls - at the end of the day, it's her bday, so I let her.   With respect to others, I don't second guess why/how others come up with the invite list - partly just lazy, I don't want to think about it.  But also, ultimately, it's their party, their resources, they get to do what they wish - I truly don't want to be the arbiter on how others should throw a party.

Not being invited:

Same rationale - I really don't want to know how/why they invite whomever - life is short, the clock is ticking, and all that.  DD has been all over the map of being invited/excluded, not inviting/excluding etc.  No, I didn't like it when she vehemently refused to invite this one kid from her class - we ended up negotiating about it. And, yes, it hurt DD when she found out not being invited.  But all in all, things blew over pretty quickly.  It probably bothered me longer than it did her ... :)

One thing I've learnt, at least for my DD, she picked up cues from me in terms on how to respond.  If I don't make it a big deal - in most cases, she won't make it a big deal either.

In terms of at what age bday parties get complicated - I suspect it basically starts at whatever age bday parties start.  Around here, that'd be around 3-4 yrs old, when lots of kids go to preschool.

[Storm Bride]

I don't automatically dislike gender specific parties. If the child wants an all girls or all boys party, and won't be shutting out any close friends, then it makes total sense to me. However, it's kind of upsetting when someone has one because a parents wants them to, and they end up unable to invite a close friend. (I actually remember ds1 going to one of his first birthday parties with a classmate. She was one of his two best friends, both girls, and ds1 was the only boy there.) I've always had mixed parties, partly because I always invite the siblings (so dd1 and ds2 will both be there), and the cousins, who are a mix of boys and girls. DD1 is showing signs of possibly wanting an all girls party next year. We'll see what happens...

Four seems awfully young to be having gender specific parties, at least to me.