Do you agree with gender specific birthday parties and if so, from what age? - Page 2

[meemee]

i third that this is more about growing apart than anything else.

where gender is concerned - really is it all about gender? sometimes i dont think it is and we tend to slap on the 'gender eyes' when it really isnt.

it helps that at our house we have a lot of 'parties'. dd is an extremely social child and feeds off others. having people around her makes her happy.

her absolute best friend is a boy. but hse has her clicque of girls too. so when she wants to do girlie things she has a party for that without making her bf feel left out.

i really do think - this growing apart has everything to do with personality - not necessarily about gender. dd has grown apart from her few other boy friends she's had over the years. but her bf is beyond being just her friend. he is family and so are his family. personality wise they compliment each other even though their likes and dislikes are 180 degrees polar opposites. 

 

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by Boot 

Thanks for all the feedback. I actually agree that girl or boy only parties are fine when the child doesn't have friends of the opposite gender. In our case, however, DS is mostly friends with girls. He wouldn't even notice if he was the only boy at a party. It's happened several times. The birthday girl and ds have grown up together from birth, almost like cousins, and used to spend loads of time together but this year she's in a different class and seems to be growing away from him. He would still say she is his best friend however. He doesn't know anything about this and I'm not going to tell him if i can help it. I love that he doesn't see any limitations of gender yet and I want him to keep enjoying friends for who they are, not their gender. I'm just sad that its even an issue at his age. 

This would really bother me.  If it was my kid having the b'day and they wanted a gender specific party that excluded a very close old friend (even if in a new class, yada, yada) I would really encourage them to rethink that.  At four, it is probably the parents rather than the kid who's behind it anyway.  But even if I wanted to only choose a few friends  --  like if I didn't have the money to feed dozens or whatever  --  to me, how my kid views things like gender is *really* important and I would find some other way to whittle down the numbers.  From what I've seen as a parent (ie, the different social groups of children we've known) I believe that the gender dichotomy thing that is supposed to be so natural comes from the parents and it has upset me so much when I've seen my ds touched by that, not so much because he's being excluded, but because I'll be really bummed the day I hear him say "no girls allowed" or some such.  At 8 years old, I think he is in the thick of that time of life that it's supposed to happen.  

[nextcommercial]

We didn't start the all girl's parties until about age 8 or 9-ish.  That was when we began doing the circle of hell which is called Slumber parties.   But, we still did something special with the boys in her friend group.  

Although, I would have given her whatever kind of party she wanted.  If that was an all girl party, I probably would have said "sure".

[ollyoxenfree]

By the time they were in school, I left the invitation list for DC to decide. I'm not fond of gender-specific parties, but I didn't prohibit them either, if that was DC's choice. Some years they invited a mix of girls and boys, some years it was gender specific. Once they were middle school age, most of the parties were mixed. By the time they were in high school, they usually had smaller, special celebrations (eg. an excursion to a play or concert) with a friend or two, rather than a party. 

At 4 y.o., it seems a little odd to have a gender specific party, but perhaps the parents are using it as a way to control the guest list. It is hurtful to be left off the list, I feel for your little one. 

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by AllisonR 

The schools here have a policy of you invite the whole class, or you invite just the boys or just the girls. You do not "hand pick" your favorites. It is rude, and hurtful. Gender-specific parties not necessarily to exclude the opposite sex, but more to have a pleasant party where you can manage the amount of kids.

I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension? 

It seems terribly heavy-handed and interfering in a family's private lives. I can't imagine any "authority" telling me how to host a party in my own home. Most of our parties had 8 or 10 guests. There have been some disappointments, not only kids who didn't get invited to my dc's parties, but also when my dc weren't invited to classmates' parties. So yes, it was hurtful, to an extent, but nothing that wasn't manageable with some sensitivity and guidance on the part of the parents. It really isn't reasonable to expect a family to host 25 children at a party. 

Rude, no, not really, unless the children themselves were rude in a "You aren't coming to my party, na na na" kind of way. In which case, I'm pretty sure those brats were rude in all sorts of other situations in class and on the playground too. I'll bet they would indulge in rude behaviour at their parties, even if they invited everyone to be there. 

[limabean]

People have such vastly different ideas about birthday party etiquette. I figure the only thing I really have control over is how I teach my children to respond to the myriad birthday situations they'll encounter in their childhood, so we treat parties very casually from the beginning, making it clear that people's routines and circumstances change from year to year and family to family, and that even close friends might change the way they do things sometimes, and that's okay. So far my kids haven't expressed more than slight disappointment at not being invited to a party, and they haven't questioned the veracity of a friendship or anything over it. 

[Polliwog]

That's a pretty common school "rule." If you don't want to do it that way, you just don't have the invitations passed out at school.

DD's going to be five in February. Her best school buddy is a boy. She'd be crushed if she wasn't able to invite him. Her Pre-K program doesn't have a rule (that I know of) but since I'm passing out the invitations at school, we'll invite everyone (all 14 or 15 children.) She's only one of three girls in her class so it would be a small party if we limited it to just girls, anyway.

DS (and DD and I) went to a school friend's b-day party last weekend. The whole class was invited (it was at the park) and it went well. The kids are in first grade so it's not like you need to supervise them as closely as you do when they are little. He'll probably invite the whole class.
 

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom 

I think it's a bit strange for the school to dictate who to invite and who not to... I mean, it's your party, kwim?  Say you can only manage six kids- say you're of the mentality that you only invite the number of kids as the kid's age.  How would that work?  Only allowed to invite family?

I hate the gender role dividing line.  My kids are having a birthday party next month.  Of the 8 invited, 5 are boys, and 3 are girls.  The party is for two girls...

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension? 

....

Rude, no, not really, unless the children themselves were rude in a "You aren't coming to my party, na na na" kind of way.

The way this plays out at our school is that the children learn to keep their mouths quiet about parties. It isn't against the rules to have a party and not invite everyone, but one cannot hand out invitations at school unless everyone is getting one. Kids aren't allowed to by nasty about parties. Children breaking the rules would be called in for a conference with their parents and the policy would be explained.

It's easy to say that kids shouldn't be hurt, but the truth is that it is often the same kids who are excluded over and over because their behavior is such that the other children don't like them. There isn't any reason for those children, who are already struggling socially, to have it in their faces. 

If your kids doesn't get invited to every party of every child they've ever met, it's not personal. It's just the parents trying to keep the parties sane.  But there are some kids who in spite of knowing many children, never get invited. Being in the special needs community, I see it, and for the some of the kids who understand they are being excluded, it is extremely hurtful.

Originally Posted by limabean 

People have such vastly different ideas about birthday party etiquette. I figure the only thing I really have control over is how I teach my children to respond to the myriad birthday situations they'll encounter in their childhood, so we treat parties very casually from the beginning, making it clear that people's routines and circumstances change from year to year and family to family, and that even close friends might change the way they do things sometimes, and that's okay. So far my kids haven't expressed more than slight disappointment at not being invited to a party, and they haven't questioned the veracity of a friendship or anything over it. 

I think you are very wise, and I'm sure that your mellow attitude about the whole thing is helpful for your children. When we, the parents, read more into this stuff than exist, I believe we do our kids a disservice.

I'm still confused about the title of this thread. I don't see what there is to agree or disagree with about how another parent does a birthday party. We've had a few hurt feelings at our house over the years, and my kids lived to tell the tale. One of my children is much more likely to take it to heart than the other, and so I can see how the impact can really vary from kid to kid, regardless of how the parent handles it.

[Boot]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I'm still confused about the title of this thread. I don't see what there is to agree or disagree with about how another parent does a birthday party. We've had a few hurt feelings at our house over the years, and my kids lived to tell the tale. One of my children is much more likely to take it to heart than the other, and so I can see how the impact can really vary from kid to kid, regardless of how the parent handles it.

Hmmm.. I thought the title of the thread was clear but since I'm not American I could be using an unfamiliar idiom. I mean 'do you agree with' in the sense of 'where do you stand on' or 'what do you think of'. I was looking for people's personal opinions and experiences. I didn't mean 'do you agree with me that other parents shouldn't have gender specific parties'. Hope that's clears up your confusion. 

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension? 

It seems terribly heavy-handed and interfering in a family's private lives. I can't imagine any "authority" telling me how to host a party in my own home. Most of our parties had 8 or 10 guests. There have been some disappointments, not only kids who didn't get invited to my dc's parties, but also when my dc weren't invited to classmates' parties. So yes, it was hurtful, to an extent, but nothing that wasn't manageable with some sensitivity and guidance on the part of the parents. It really isn't reasonable to expect a family to host 25 children at a party. 

Rude, no, not really, unless the children themselves were rude in a "You aren't coming to my party, na na na" kind of way. In which case, I'm pretty sure those brats were rude in all sorts of other situations in class and on the playground too. I'll bet they would indulge in rude behaviour at their parties, even if they invited everyone to be there. 

Yes, they are given an F in class and a royal beating and then thrown out of the school while stones are thrown at them. Geez. Different people live in different cultures, with different rules and different social etiquette. How it works: kids go to class until 12 or 1. From that time until 5 is an after school program called SFO - which is at the school. If you have a party during the SFO, which most parents do, you come to the SFO to pick up all the kids. So kids would see right then that they were being excluded. And since a class can be up to 26 kids and some parents can't manage so many, they are given the option to have the whole class or just boys/girls. Some opt out entirely and just bring in a cake to school, though most have a gender specific party. Now if the same parent had a party on Saturday or Sunday or evening, then of course they would invite whomever they felt like. And after a certain age, kids can be discreet about it. Though in DD and DS case, I don't know too many 4-6 yo who can. 

To answer your question - the parents committee sends a reminder email at the beginning of the year with that info, as well as a bunch of other stuff. If a parent "hand-plucks" then another email reminder may be sent out, or the parents would be asked not to hand-pluck because it is hurtful to those that are excluded. 

Big private parties are not well-known here, people generally just have the school party, or have a very small party with immediate family and close friends.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

The way this plays out at our school is that the children learn to keep their mouths quiet about parties. It isn't against the rules to have a party and not invite everyone, but one cannot hand out invitations at school unless everyone is getting one. Kids aren't allowed to by nasty about parties. Children breaking the rules would be called in for a conference with their parents and the policy would be explained.

It's easy to say that kids shouldn't be hurt, but the truth is that it is often the same kids who are excluded over and over because their behavior is such that the other children don't like them. There isn't any reason for those children, who are already struggling socially, to have it in their faces. 

If your kids doesn't get invited to every party of every child they've ever met, it's not personal. It's just the parents trying to keep the parties sane.  But there are some kids who in spite of knowing many children, never get invited. Being in the special needs community, I see it, and for the some of the kids who understand they are being excluded, it is extremely hurtful.

I'm not convinced gender specific parties do much to alleviate that. DD was invited to four all girl parties this fall. Two of the girls are also friends to ds2. We've had days of crying, and thinking he's a loser and jerk and nobody likes him. The fact that the parties were girls only made no difference at all. His sister was invited. He wasn't. End of story. In fact, the rule kind of backfires in some cases, because explaining "oh, I know that girl isn't a good friend of T's, and you are a good friend of T's, but you're a boy" isn't going to make a kid feel any better.

I was invited to a couple of parties in school that, looking back, I'm pretty sure i was only invited to because the parents had some variant on the "all the kids/girls" rule. They weren't fun. Sure - being invited toa party is great. But, if the kids who are there don't like you, it's going to show...and if they're going to be exclusionary, they'll find a way to do it, and all the well-meant rules in the world won't change that.

I hate that rule. I'm really glad ds1's school didn't have it. And, I don't see it as rude for a kid to invite his/her friends to his/her birthday party. Yes - it can be done in a very rude way, but that can't be eliminated with rules.

[Spring Lily]

This topic is so strange to me, but maybe I just haven't run across it yet. I've only heard of parties where kids invite their friends, some of which may be all one gender. I haven't heard of all-girls or all-boys parties, except for slumber parties. My oldest is 5, so maybe that's part of it. Also, our schools haven't had any party rules.

I sure hope this doesn't come up, because I have boy/girl twins and party invites based on gender could cause some seriously hurt feelings. It would be difficult for me not to be upset at the parent for excluding someone for something so trivial.

[JudiAU]

Same issue here. At 3, everyone got a party invitie. At 4, the boys all invite everyone but some of the girls are having girls-only parties. Some fo the boys are very sad because they are the same ones that play with the girls all the time. As a parent, I don't really understand it. Why much a four year old boy be excluded. If they are just trying to reduce the numbers, that makes it even worse. Kids talk about parties all the time at preschool.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

I'm just curious how the school enforces this policy. What is their penalty for failing to abide by it? Academic sanctions? Standing in the corner during recess? Suspension?

I suspect the policy is actually that invitations may not be handed out in class unless all kids, all girls or all boys (respectively) are invited. That's how our pre/elementary schools handled this issue. I think that's fair enough.

[chaimom]

I don't have a problem with it if regular friends aren't excluded.  But the fact that your son is her BFF makes it not OK.  FWIW, when my twin boys were 4, they were invited to a princess party for their best girl friend.  They were the only boys there and they got to be knights.  There are ways to include boys if the mom wants to.  I think it's a shame she let this happen.

That said, last year, at age 9, was the first time girls weren't invited to my sons parties.  My dd, for some reason, loves hanging out with her brothers, but has never had a good friend who's a boy. It's weird because my boys were each good friends with girls and had many playdates with girls.  But my dd's not. interested. at. all. So she never invites boys.  But I don't think there's anyone out there who cares.