Our family bed's not working...

[azzeps]

Hi all,

Just wanted to check in here to see if anyone has any suggestions for our family bed.  We have a 3.75 yo daughter who has her own bed in her bedroom, but she joins us on most nights in our room in the king-sized bed.  We also have an almost 5 months old son who has his own crib in his room, where he starts out, and currently stays, most nights.  Me, I'm like a ping pong ball!  I guess that's why I'm posting here.  When DH and I go to sleep, generally, it is just the two of us, although sometimes DD is already in there.  DS may or may not have already woken up for a first nighttime feeding.  Lately, he has been needing 3-4 feedings or at least wakes up and needs some help going back to sleep (rocking, patting, or whatever).  My problem is that I don't feel like there's room for him in the king bed when DD is already in there.  That, and when he wakes and cries, I worry that he is going to wake DD, or bother DH.  So I am up every two hours, nurse him in his room in the rocker, and then try to squeeze back in my bed where my DD is usually sleeping perpendicular or on my pillows.  This morning, I went and slept in the queen sized bed that is in yet another room.  I end up feeling resentful that I can't sleep in my own room.  And I feel upset that DS is all alone when the rest of us are in my room.  If it were up to me, DH would be helping me get DD to sleep all night in her own room, but he doesn't want to.  He likes sleeping with her.  I do have at my disposal the bedrail we used when DD was little.  But then I am limited to nursing only on one side, because doing the other side would mean DS would be next to DD in the middle of the bed.  I am thinking maybe I am just going to give up and DS and I will sleep in the queen bed in the other room, and DH and DD can stay in the king.  (DH can't move during the night because he wears a cpap to sleep, and that would be a pain to unplug, move rooms, etc.)  Another possibility is to side-car a crib, I guess?  We'd have to buy an inexpensive one, I guess.  I suggested to DH that DD could use a twin next to our bed, but there really isn't that much space.  Then I tried to talk her into using a sleeping bag aka "special bed" a la Dr. Sears, and she did not.  She just got in bed with us.  Sometimes she doesn't even wake us up (well, mostly she doesn't wake DH - she nearly always wakes me, as she is squeezing in between us and then kicking off the covers). 

What would you do?

thanks for any suggestions!

[transylvania_mom]

Aww it's so nice your dh likes co-sleeping!

You mentioned you have a queen-sized bed in another room. I would let dh co-sleep with your dd and I would co-sleep with the baby, so he can get the benefits of bed-sharing too.

I would go nuts if I had to wake up and nurse the baby every two hours *in another room, I meant*. I wouldn't last a week!

Edited by transylvania_mom - 11/30/11 at 10:59am

[SweetSilver]

I slept much better when dh was out of the room during that stage.  Not that he complained, but *I* felt bad for making so much noise.  I was really better off by myself with the girls.  

I would definitely go for the queen-bed solution.  Try it, and you'll be amazed at how well you sleep when you don't stress so much about others.

[azzeps]

My DD may not be a fan of me sleeping elsewhere... she is having a hard time adjusting to being a big sister.  The other night when she awoke before I had gone to bed, I tried to get her to stay in her bed until we turned out the lights in our room, and she got really upset when I said I might be in the other bed.  I guess I will just not sleep in there and see how she reacts when it's just daddy in there.  I just can't have her wanting to be in the queen with me. ACK!  Last night was good.  At least the latter half.  I went in the queen by myself at 1 am, and took the monitor, and DS didn't wake up until 6:45 and it was fabulous!  Then I fed him and he slept with me a little longer.  Ahhhh.... sleep!

[transylvania_mom]

At this point, my baby's needs would come before my preschooler's "wants". And besides, she has her daddy with her.

But you know your family best. I wish you long and restful nights!

[D_McG]

Have you been honest with your husband?  It's very odd to me that he wants your preschooler there if you've expressed how it's not working for you.

I would move her out (she doesn't have to be happy about it but she'll adjust quickly) and move your baby in.  My 2 'big' kids sleep in their own rooms now that we have the new baby.  There is just not enough room for everyone.  We tell them that in our house, mommies and daddies sleep together and babies sleep with their mommies.  

I would not give up my place in my bed to a 3 year old.

[Imakcerka]

I don't know... why not move with the baby to the queen.  Then it's just you and baby for awhile. And sleep.  Let DH have the enjoyment of all the uncomfortable sleep he can handle.

[azzeps]

I don't want to sleep in the other room because I don't like playing musical beds all night long.  I like my bed! I like to sleep next to my DH.  I feel like, for DD, it is time for her to sleep in her own room, all night.  No, actually, I wouldn't mind that much if she slept on the floor in our room.  I could only continue like this, sleeping in the queen, if I totally gave up on sleeping in my room.  Because it is disruptive in the middle of the night to have to set an alarm clock for myself, move the baby monitor in the other room, drag my pillow and my jug of water in the other room.  I feel like DH and I need to be on the same page, because as a PP pointed out, we really are not.  And then we need to have a daytime conversation with DD and explain how it's going to be.  And then stick to it.  Even if she throws screaming fits in the middle of the night.  Sigh.  I am going on 4 years of disrupted sleep.  This is really taking a toll.  I hope I don't have another 4 years ahead of me with DS. Where's the crying smilie when you need one???

[SweetSilver]

I think this is the kind of fight that I chose to avoid, and why I chose the sleeping arrangements I did.  For some mamas, it's a worthy cause, and a battle worth fighting if it comes to that.  For me, I have no fight in me, especially in the middle of the night.  So we crammed two queen futons side by side.  The girls and I sleep on one side, dh on the other.  I crawl in bed with dh, then I crawl in between the girls because they still have sleep issues and getting-to-the-potty-in-time issues and I'd rather deal with them from 6" away than from another room, or even the other bed.

I do this arrangement because it relaxes me, diffuses the conflict and I can *sleep*!  It's not the specific arrangement that is important as much as finding the arrangement that can help you sleep better.  For me, I sleep better nearer to the girls.  Sleeping with dh is important for me, but in the end I chose real sleep in whatever arrangement allowed for that.  DH understands.  We get our time together.  

My last suggestion:  put the crib in the room with the queen bed (if it fits) if you don't want him in bed with you.  Keep a jug of water in there.  That way you don't need the baby monitor and the water is there.  Haul pillow and self to bed.

Anyway, good luck!

[modifiedmama]

My family does not co-sleep. We tried it, and it interfered too much with my relationship with my DH and pushed us to the brink of divorce.

I honestly think it sounds like moving your DD to her own bed might be the best. After all, she is three, and I feel that it's what is most fair to both you AND the new baby.

Remember, people, families are not just about one person's needs . . . everyone is equally important, including mom, dad, AND kid(s).

[Katie8681]

Hey azzeps, 

I just wanted to second what modifiedmama said. Go with your gut! If it's time, it's time. I personally can't imagine sleeping in a different room from my DH, although clearly it does work for some people. And the whole reason I started cosleeping is because waking up and walking to a hungry, crying baby every two hours would drive me out of my mind. So it's really unfortunate that you're getting the worst of both worlds: your sleep is interrupted by your flailing DD, AND you are walking to soothe your son in another room!

If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. Your DH needs to get on board with this.

[azzeps]

Originally Posted by Katie8681 

If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. Your DH needs to get on board with this.

This made me smile!  Yes, this is true! DH does need to be on board.  We talked more about it, and we agreed that if DD wakes before we are asleep in bed, he or I will get her to go back to sleep in her own bed.  Lately she has been waking up so early! Like 10:30 sometimes, and we are not even close to going to sleep.  We should be, but that's another issue entirely.  So that really helps.  Plus, when we get a minute, he is going to help me install the bedrail back onto our bed, so that I can sometimes just bring DS in to sleep with us.  At some point I feel that DD is going to have to transition to a floor bed in our room if she wants to keep coming in, and if DS is going to be in there too.  But the problem with that is that she climbs up on the bed and most times I don't even know she's in bed until I come back from DS's room and there she is.  I guess it's still normal for her to be waking up at night?  She is going through an "I'm scared" thing, which is new.  Part of me thinks she also knows that it pushes our buttons, though.  They figure out so quickly what will work!!! I am being outsmarted by my almost 4 year old!!!!

[SweetSilver]

Four seemed to be the age for my younger daughter to suddenly rekindle her need for *me* all the time, everywhere.  Imagination takes hold big time at this age, and so it's no surprise that they crave more closeness and reassurance (esp with a new little brother in the house.)  Glad to hear you have a probable solution for all.  Good luck!