Ready to date or not?

[Holland73]

How do you know when you are ready to date?

I miss male company, I miss the affection and, ok, I will be honest, the "bedroom" stuff.

I ask myself...would I date me? Well, as I long as I didn't expect a serious relationship within the next 4-6 months and just wanted someone to hang out with, give a little attention and truly do "just date", then, yes, I would date me.

Now, if I were looking for something serious and wanted any sort of commitment in a short period of time...NO, I would not date myself.

Am I making any sense???? : Am I the only that feels this way?

[the sunshine]

You're making perfect sense. I know what you mean, and what you want.
It can be awkward letting a man know that's what you want though......I'm new at this too so I don't really have any advice.

[brusselsprout]

I think it depends in part what you mean by dating. I think I am ready to try to find a babysitter once in a rare while, throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and go shoot some pool with a guy friend. BUT, until I can ask myself "If stbx were to call up right now, would you be able to tell him NO if he wanted to get back together" and be sure of my answer I do not think I would want to be involved with anyone else. Besides, as much as I miss all the guy stuff, I miss me more....there was 8 years where I was so wrapped up in my identity as a couple that really sometimes I wonder if I know myself at all....what kind of music do I like? where do I like to go? hmmm....maybe I need to get that babysitter once in awhile after all, and just date myself I like me, I want to know me better!!!

[fishy]

i know just what you mean. i have gotten lonely in the last (almost) year since i left my stbx. and i have thought that i sure would like to have someone to snuggle up with. but the truth of it is, i am NOT ready for any sort of serious or long term relationship.

i would so NOT date me. LOL! i feel like i am so needy i do not have anything to 'give back' to a relationship right now, but i think i could handle a date here and there with no strings. (not that the opportunity has arisen...).

and another thing...i dont want to put any emotional energy into something that i know is so temporary when i could use that energy better if i direct it to my son. you know? he is going thru so much and i dont wantt o divide my attention int hat way right now.

so, to answer your question, i guess i dont know when i'll be ready, but i do know im NOT ready right now.

but maybe if i could find someone like SingleDad... ()

[mocha09]

I'm on the same page as Fishy.

[wemoon]

I'm so ready to date! I feel like I've grown so much from when I first met X. I was needy and clingy with him for the first 2 years I would say. Then the next 3 I worked on myself, and found out things that I liked. I stood my ground. I would not allow certain things to happen. I really feel like I blossomed. I feel sooooooo ready to go out and have fun. I'm not ready for anything serious, but if a wonderful guy comes along I won't let him walk by, that is for sure! I still have major plans...I want two more children, I want to own land and build a house. These are not things I can do alone, so when dating I will be looking for someone who can fit in with my plans.

[Holland73]

You know, I have spent 7 months on a constant emotional rollercoaster ride with my stbx, which has come to a head in the past 3 weeks with him telling me he had met someone else while I was on holiday. He has known this woman, who is a single mommy of a 20 month old, for 3 weeks and has her picture up on his computer in his office (we work for the same company)!

I have been dealing with all of this on my own, 10,000 miles away from family and friends and I would love, for once during this horrible time, to enjoy some attention from a nice guy.

I know, for a fact, that if my stbx wanted to reenter the picture, that I would runaway in a heartbeat. I don't want a boyfriend or a relationship, but I would like a nice chat with a man that is interested in me and a conversation that would not revolve around stbx. I feel like that is all I have become...a constant drama because of stbx.

Is this a healthy way of dealing with my "issues", probably not, but I have been so strong, independent and healthy...so, don't I deserve a little bit of affection and attention. Do I need it, no, of course not! I know that I can be happy on my own again. I did it for many years before, granted without a child, and have always enjoyed being on my own. But, man oh man, would I love to have a nice, HEALTHY, guy interested!

What is wrong with me?

[fishy]

i can identify with waht wemoon os saying. i too feel like i have grown. i have learned so much about myself and about relationships thru my marriage and my divorce. i am so much more intune with myself, but on the other hand, i feel like i am also way to sensitive to the issues that were in my marriage and if those same issues came up in a relationship right now, i would overreact to them (i guess they call that 'baggage', lol)

anyway, i feel like i am preparing for a relationship, but im not ready now.

[wemoon]

I have major issues too (baggage), like I won't even look at someone who drinks, smokes or has to have meat in every meal. I had one guy online ask me if I was a b*itch??? Umm, I blocked him and asked him to never contact me again. Everyone hates dishes, right? If my guy can't at least help me in the kitchen I'll be looking else where. I'm at a point that I know what I want, and can easily say no thanks if something comes up that I don't want.

[Soul-O]

I feel like I am in the same boat - have lots of baggage, but would really like to have an interesting conversation, a bit of flirtation and a good time with a nice guy who is interested in me. However, I tried dating (you all heard about that saga!) last month and it just wasn't working for me. As much as I'd like to have a good time with someone, I fear that I will become emotionally involved way too quickly because I'm so love starved, and I just can't risk that happening again. I'm with fishy on this one - any extra energy I might have for dating will be devoted to my kids and my own healing right now. I just need to keep telling myself that every time I get the urge to flirt with that cute co-worker who has made his interest known .

[PikkuMyy]

Ok,

I'm not single, or even a parent yet, but I have to put in my $.02.

Ladies, since when are standards considered baggage?

I think that the things you've brought up - no alcohol, no smoking, yes to help around the house - are perfectly legitimate things to look for in a guy, particularly based on your experience. That is not baggage - these are things that will help you find a certain standard of man.

I had standards based upon my past experiences before I met DH and they made me stay single (and celibate! ack!) for 2 years before I met him. But I'm so glad that I kept them because he's the most wonderful person I've ever met. He doesn't smoke, hardly ever drinks, doesn't eat meat at every meal (we're vegan - but I'd never dated even a veggie before) and YES, he helps with the dishes.

Keep those standards up! You deserve it!

Emily

[mocha09]

PikkuMy, as a single parent (neither of which you are right now), a lot of us are in a place where we need to examine our own roles in the "emotional rollercoaster," as Holland described. Many of us were in abusive relationships of some kind, and are either overcoming co-dependence issues, or are "bitter and jaded" so to speak and are really unsure of what constitutes normal in a man.

I really like that anology actually. After we get off a roller coaster, we are dizzy (some of us throw up!), we are disoriented, our bodies have to re-adjust to gravity, etc. We walk funny because our balance has been thrown. That takes time. Walking to a man without balance could lead us stumbling into a place where we don't want to be.

Does that make sense?

[L.J.]

I tend to think that we attract the kind of people that reflect where we are at the time......ex. when we are not in a "good" place, we attract crap!

I know it's tough to figure it all out. I've been single now for 3 years & have really worked on myself. I am just starting to get my feet wet with this dating stuff & it's tough to figure things out & sift through everything & catch myself before falling into old patterns. I feel like I am strong enough though to avoid my old behaviours & do things differently. So far, I've attracted very different men than I ever have before.

There have been many times in the past few years where I've really wanted male company, but I really wanted to wait until I felt like I was in a strong place. It can be a tough thing and it can be lonely in the mean time.

[AnnMarie]

Originally posted by L.J.
I tend to think that we attract the kind of people that reflect where we are at the time......ex. when we are not in a "good" place, we attract crap!

Which is why I don't know if I'll ever have a serious relationship again. I always seem to pick jerks. Maybe cause I'm one? : :LOL Oh well, as long as I can go out once in a while and have a good time I'll be all set.

[toepea]

The other aspect that makes a new relationship difficult to consider is my boys. I am still not emotionally ready to date and the thought of fitting it in and doing all my single parent stuff too AND trying to balance my boys emotions within a possible new relationship for me,them and us, well it just seems a long, l o n g , l o n g way off. I hope that it is possible, but right now it just doesn't seem like it is. Plus, whatever $$ I may have available to pay for a babysitter is better spent elsewhere most of the time. I know that I will not allow another male to disappoint (fail) my boys, ever.

Casual, safe, discreet, awesome sex............ now that's another thread.

[fishy]

[i]Casual, safe, discreet, awesome sex............ now that's another thread. [/B]

im up for that thread...

[wemoon]

Um yeah! Count me in on that thread!!!

[SingleDad]

Hey...thanks for the compliment fishy and mocha!!

Believe it or not, men go through the same things that all of you are describing. (Although most wouldn't admit it) I've had alot of bad relationship issues over the past 5 years with just about everyone that I've dated. I get lonely at home for companionship and having someone to put my arm around at night and hold onto. It was hard for me to come to the realization that I wasn't ready to date again because that feeling makes you want to so badly. It's hard to seperate the wants from the needs when it comes to a relationship too, and I find myself jumping in just the find out the pond is frozen, ya know? It always looks good from the sideline, but it seems to be a nightmare when you're in it. I did finally realize after this last woman that I dated that not only was I not healed enough to date her, my boys weren't either. I wouldn't call my feelings baggage though, I think we all learn lessons from being burnt and it makes us more cautious so that we don't make the same mistake twice. Just keep your heart open to the possibility of the right person coming into your life, and enjoy getting to know yourself again in the meantime.

[dreadmama]

All I can say is...

Ya, what he said.


Karen

[mocha09]

Well said, SD.